The New Yorker Aint Got Nothin on This Girl: Jen’s List of Movies, TV Shows, Food, Music, Cultural Stuff and Anything Else Deemed Worthy of Review in 2016.
Now compiled in one easily accessible volume, Jen’s List of Movies, TV Shows, Food, Music, Cultural Stuff and Anything Else Deemed Worthy of Review in 2016 is a list of posts that appeared throughout the year on Facebook to the delight of the masses.
The rating system is dissimilar to rating systems found anywhere else in known existence, except for that one guy who first inspired me with this type of system but I can’t give credit to because I don’t remember who he is. Whoever you are, I salute you, man. You’ve changed the face of social media review writing forever.
These reviews are not only for movies, TV shows, etc that were produced in 2016, but a selection of current or older titles that I watched in 2016, and are listed in no particular order. I’m very inclusive in that way. Enjoy responsibly, and if you have any questions or concerns, please take them up with the management.
Jen gives Deadpool 890 doses of irreverent humor out of 12,700 drops of Vancouver rain with 4530 bonus points for excessive profanity, violence and nudity and all the parents who had to explain it to the vast array of 5-13 year olds who were in attendance or at the very least squirm uncomfortably for bringing their kids and minus 9006 points for the parents who had no problem whatsoever with their kids being there. If more superhero movies could be this good I might really like them, although granted if they were all this good then I wouldn't have as much fun bashing them in Facebook reviews so maybe we'll just keep the one good movie for now.
Jamaica Vacation, February 2016
Jen gives the Grand Bahia Príncipe Resort in Runaway Bay, Jamaica 5-10,000 Canadians and Americans I probably wouldn't spend time with in any other setting out of 4 glorious 30+ degree days with 890 bonus points for fried plantains, burn your face off jerk chicken and Jamaican Apple, a 4th floor ocean view balcony that was an excellent vantage point for late afternoon sunbeams and evening entertainment without having to actually go to the beach for the entertainment, the beautifully warm and clear ocean that I pretended to swim in, the wonderful staff who were too good and funny to deserve most of the guests in attendance and sang and danced to the various musical performers like no one was watching, white people sunburning so good, white people with ridiculous braids and beads that will only ever remind me of Monica in that Friends episode where she got the braids and beads, only getting one bug bite and determining that while I don't like rum or Coke, together they are magic. Minus 32,000 points for the "colonial style" resort truly feeling like Michael Fassbender was hiding somewhere waiting to discipline any staff or guests that tried to leave the compound, not seeing any real Jamaica other than the hour bus ride back to the airport during daylight hours where we saw roadside bars that didn't have 10,000 people queuing for dinner and goats eating grass and kids playing soccer and lush forests and natural beaches that didn't have sand trucked in and rocks trucked out, resort staff no doubt being forced to endure numerous team building exercises wherein they are told to play up all their Jamaican stereotypes as much as possible for the benefit of the tourists, all inclusive really being more inclusive to some than others, communal food (even if it was okay communal food and sometimes the guys slicing meat or making omelettes called me princess, it's still communal food and that's generally not a good thing) and the difficulty in getting beach or deck chairs or towels after 10am unless you hoard them which is prohibited but highly recommended. Would I go to Jamaica again? Ya mon. Will it be to an all inclusive resort like Grand Bahia? Nope. It's just not irie for me.
All Things Must Pass: The Rise and Fall of Tower Records
Jen gives All Things Must Pass: The Rise and Fall of Tower Records $5 billion worth of profit out of $5 billion plus $1 worth of debt with 780 bonus points for creating an absolutely compelling and often hard to believe history of a record store, the most fantabulous hairstyles and some excellent musician interviews (even if they're pretty white), and minus 820 points for middle aged men crying and then me crying, Napster and Walmart and other monsters that killed the record store industry, and the fact that we don't get to make handwritten signs for stores anymore because those were the best. It turns out there is talent in the Hanks family after all and no, it's not Tom.
Jen gives the first new X Files episode 2 people living a lie out of 20 years worth of conspiracy theories with 56000 bonus points for me not giving spoilers because I don't want to be that girl although if you didn't watch it yet you probably aren't going to so I probably could just talk about the plot anyway and you wouldn't care that much but how about you just go check out my Twitter feed if you really want to know all the stuff I said about it and we'll call it even, and minus 9267 points for it starting late because of sports go sports. All in all it went from typical X Files to boring to interesting to possibly relevant in today's world, so needless to say I was pleasantly surprised. And a little bored. But mostly surprised. Low expectations are key in situations like these.
Jen gives the new X Files mini season 2 awesome episodes out of 4 shitty ones with 10 bonus points for everything about the Were-Monster one and 99% of the Babylon one with minus 13 points for all the dumbass alien conspiracy stuff that was just as boring now as it was in the 1990s. Maybe my low expectations were warranted after all. Now do yourself a favour and go watch all the good ones from the original seasons, get creeped out, laugh, cheer for Krycek, boo for Cigarette Smoking Man, and call it a day.
Jen gives Sense and Sensibility 4 gossipy old ladies out of 6 fashionable hats with 5631 bonus points for Hugh Grant's awkwardness, Hugh Laurie's grumpiness and Willoughby's utter caddish-ness and 90,001 minus points for WHY DID YOU HAVE TO DIE ALAN RICKMAN YOU WERE MY FAVOURITE PART OF THAT MOVIE AND ALL MOVIES WITH YOU IN THEM. And then some more bonus points for Emma Thompson's screenplay, Ang Lee's perfectly painted shots and the fact that watching this movie in 1995 motivated me to wear an empire waist dress to my Grade 12 grad dance thing like the awesome English nerd that I was and always will be.
10.0 Earthquake and Ferngully: The Last Rainforest
Jen gives tonight's Environmental Disaster Double Bill of 10.0 Earthquake and Ferngully: The Last Rainforest two escapist little movies that in no way reflect the current state of global deforestation and pollution and fracking-induced earthquakes, with 120 bonus points for all the hot actors that die in creative ways in Earthquake and me getting to spend some quality-ish time with Desmond from Lost, the best and most subtle animated film ever made and me for thinking for the longest time that the "get funky one time" line in the Tone Loc song was "just fuck it one time" thus proving that even as a naive little teenager I had distinct potential as a swearing librarian. Minus points for nothing because I'm feeling optimistic and it's good that these sorts of things will never happen in real life, because how scary would that be?
Jen gives Beasts of No Nation 1 intense gut punch out of 10 human rights violations with 9005 bonus points for Abraham Attah's brilliant kid actor performance giving Quvenzhane Wallis a run for her money in that other really good Beast movie, Idris Elba's considerable skillz for playing such a detestable character of questionable morals that one almost reconsiders how beautiful he is, and Netflix for paying to make this movie. Minus 450,000,000 points for our world being fucked up to the point that children are forced to be soldiers in a war they don't want. It's been at least 9 years since I read Uzodinma Iweala's novel and regardless of whether this is a seamless adaptation, this film will haunt my dreams for many years to come.
Jen gives The Fall 1st and 2nd Season 49 OH MY GODS out of 36 HOLY FUCKS with 6780 bonus points for the incomparable Belfast accent, sexual tension that's thicker than a nicely marbled cut of beef and enough creepy sense of foreboding to last a lifetime. Minus 96 points for the large amounts of counselling that will be needed in later life for Paul's daughter, babysitter and probably any woman he's ever met, the occasional disregard for plausible situations and the fact that there's no point trying to see Jamie Dornan as anything other than a creepy serial killer and Gillian Anderson as a hot British lady going forward in their careers.
If you have ever made an assumption about an Aboriginal person, you should read this graphic novel. It's beautifully illustrated, simply and heart wrenchingly told and is capable of creating empathy towards a fucked up history that most of us are happy to ignore. Who do I have to bribe at Edmonton Public and Catholic schools to ensure that this is essential reading for all high school students?
Jen gives Trainwreck 1 non SPORTS GO SPORTS fan out of 27 hilarious sports references explained to me by the SPORTS GO SPORTS husband with 598 bonus points for numerous bouts of snorking laughter for the entire screenplay with special bonus points for lines like "I look like Mark Wahlberg ATE Mark Wahlberg", "He's Keyser Soze. That's not important, it's not a spoiler", "Oh ok - so you had breakfast, lunch and a snack. Let's go get some food", "When you're looking at the clouds, do you see his face?", and "Oh Yeah? Do you want me to just go to my gown closet?" (And those are just the few I wrote down), Tilda Swinton being the very best of Tilda Swinton, some excellent famous people cameos, the 100 year old actor guy and the music of Billy Joel. Minus 3 points for the fact that I always doubt that I'll enjoy lowbrow movies and Judd Apatow in general and I always love them so maybe I should just admit to the fact that I love them and it's not a guilty pleasure. It took me 2 hours to realize why I liked Amy Schumer and her character so much and I finally figured out that it's because that she's like a slightly more believable version of Carrie Bradshaw who I don't want to punch in the neck. Also she's really fucking funny.
Jen gives White House Down one deadbeat dad with a heart of gold out of one smooth talking president in a slightly too long bromance action film with 47 bonus points for the fact that the terrorists are pissed off white guys (a move which is remarkably forward thinking for Roland Emmerich), the kickass daughter with the YouTube channel who was a cute plot device and hopefully doesn't fuck up the role of Stargirl in the upcoming YA novel adaptation, and such winning lines as "You just killed the secretary of defence ... Well he wasn't doing a very good job", "I know you're into peace and all but you gotta stick that thing (rocket launcher) out there and go to work", and "As the president of the United States, this comes with the whole weight and power off my office: fuck you.". Minus 2301 points for having to wait a full 30 minutes for the first explosion (even if it was a gooder), finding it hard to believe that hackers really listen to classical music while taking over the defence systems of the world, and Tatum for doing a great job of protecting the president but not taking off his clothes so I could objectify him a little.
Jen gives Creed 28 pep talks out of 42 traumatic brain injuries with 6732 bonus points for blood spatter and white satin hoodies, Vince from FNL having another Coach in his life, and the turning scene of the film that made me change my mind from this being a boring sports movie to this being both totally over the top and totally grounded at the same time (and for the record, that scene was the one where he got nervous right before his first big fight and had to take a shit). Also extra bonus points for me being into that final boxing scene way more than I thought possible given that I have no interest in boxing whatsoever and for the boxer boys respecting each other after kicking the shit out of each other, as one does. Minus 410 points for trying to make out the inspirational Stallone speeches through the mouthful of Botox and salt water taffy he was obviously chewing, the girlfriend being super hot and cool but very one dimensional, and it being a sports movie and a cancer movie and a comeback movie at the same time so there were SO MANY GREAT OBSTACLES TO OVERCOME. But also a really great movie to watch when you feel like punching stuff.
Trudeau 2.0 Visit to Mill Woods Library
Gives the Justin Trudeau visit to Mill Woods Library 49,000 doses of nervous excitement out of a few hundred people swarming the library with 8701 bonus points for getting to shake his hand, listening to the friendly RCMP security detail (who included a bunch of women and an aboriginal guy) talk about donairs and then winning them over to how great the library was, and Justin and his people doing important speech writing in our staffroom that he then sent to me in an email to print off so really that counts for having the prime minister asking for help with printing at the library, and minus 42,980 points for him not reading the beautiful picture books I had carefully selected for Trudeau Storytime and the fact that even though I'm almost in a lot of news photos and in a group photo, I didn't get a Monkeybutt selfie, which I'm okay with, but MB is a little pissed about. Also he had time to change outfits and eat Indian food in our staffroom without us but not selfies. Maybe Monkeybutt is more than a little pissed about it. They swooped in with security and sniffer dogs and a full entourage and then just like that, they were gone.
Jen gives Inside Out 26 doses of adorable sadness out of 43 doses of necessary joy with 670 bonus points for Lewis Black, Mindy Kaling, Bill Hader, the pink imaginary elephant friend, and lines like "crying helps me slow down and obsess over the weight of the world's problems", "Sir! Reporting high levels of sass!", "I Like tragic vampire romance island", "Boo! Pick a plot line!" and "Fuck You Pixar! I am not crying because I am not sad" (that last one was from me and not the screenplay but equally worthy of praise). Minus 9005 points for the creepy manga like animation that makes me yearn for the Oreo teeth Disney characters of the 1990s, and this being sort of like the adult version of Herman's Head and Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind except actually smarter and that pisses me off because I keep hoping that Disney and Pixar are dumbasses who make stupid movies when the reality is they actually make kind of insightful movies sometimes, and that may be helped by the two old fashioned drinks and one hot toddy so really maybe all the credit should be given to whiskey and not to Pixar. This may be one of the smarter ideas they've ever had for a film and I've heard it's been really helpful for child psychologists to talk with their patients but even so, it's still Disney and so it's still essential that I mock it a little. Even if it's really good. But don't tell anyone that.
Jen gives The Hunting Ground one masterfully made documentary out of the rage of 100,000 daughters and sons with 2055 bonus points for all the amazing activism done by Annie and Andrea and similarly awesome students that has done more to support rape survivors than any of the universities probably ever will, and minus 89,543 for college sports machines, fraternities, police departments, and more than anything, the colleges and universities who failed to punish those responsible and recognize and support the students who came forward so that those same students who'd suffered the worst of crimes felt that the process of trying to report their assault was even worse than the assault itself. I'm 650 shades of sad and mad after watching that and I think that's likely the intended outcome of the documentary so well done to the filmmakers.
Jen gives Spy 1 Melissa McCarthy out of 1 Melissa McCarthy with 540 bonus points for Jude Law and Jason Statham playing total tools, Rose Byrne for being much more tolerable than usual, Allison Janney for being her normal delightful self and Miranda Hart for being an excellent sidekick. Extra double bonus points for lines like "you got a lotta rage in that jumpsuit" and "what is this fuckery", which may work their way into more frequent conversations for me in the future. And some more points for the writers having a field day with the elaborate closing credits, and special props to Dorothy Witherspoon, professional sleep coach, for averting the assassination of the Canadian prime minister. Minus 12 points for the fact that even though I was completely impressed how all the female characters were more complex and interesting than the male ones, a situation rarely found in action films, I went from thinking that was cool and empowered to that maybe the girls were just acting like boys and maybe that's not cool after all, and it doesn't really matter if girls are acting like boys in an action movie but at the same time it's kind of shitty that I assume they are acting like boys when really girls can be kickass too but my conventional movie beliefs aren't used to that so it seems like I need to make some type of analogy in order to explain it and why did I just get all feminist philosophical after watching a truly fun movie that maybe wasn't as deep as I'm making it out to be. And I'm looking forward to Girl Ghostbusters.
Bad News: The Last Journalists in a Dictatorship
"Sometimes I cry to myself at night, not because of the memories of the genocide. But because of how the government mocks the genocide, uses it to get pity from the world, to get money, and at the same time keep us in a state of fear". Anjan Sundaram’s book was sobering, to say the least. For those (myself formerly included) who think of Rwanda as a place of mountain gorillas and progress made in the 20 years since the genocide, this is an important read, and reminder that things are not always as they seem.
I believe it takes a comedic writer like Will Ferguson to capture the true tragedy of the Rwandan genocide - sharing numerous sorrow filled accounts of those killed and those who survived, mixed in with typically witty Ferguson quips, some excellent accounts of encountering chimpanzees and gorillas, and the incredibly moving portrait of his friend and travel companion Jean-Claude Munyezamu. It was odd reading this after Bad News: the Last Journalists in a Dictatorship because at times it felt like Ferguson didn't pick up on the true sense of hypocrisy in Rwanda, but also shows that there are many sides to this complicated country and both outsider and insider views are equally valued in telling the story. There are many other Rwandan history books and memoirs that are needed to get the whole picture, but I'd suggest that if you wanted one book to start with, Road Trip Rwanda is a great choice.
Jen gives the documentary Cooked 4 mind blowing episodes out of 24 slow motion shots, 3 lens flares and 6 drone shots with 9800 bonus points for all the smart scientists, delightful cooks, a microbiologist nun and all the amazing farmers and bakers and cooks and fermenters from around the world, many thought provoking things that made me go HUH!, and a great author/subject of the doc who put his money where his mouth was and tried making versions of most of the things he discussed. Minus 7 points for our modern ways of food production and processing that are causing all sorts of health and economic problems and likely the downfall of civilization, the editors for putting subtitles on the screen when non English speaking people were speaking heavily accented English, me for not knowing that cacao beans were fermented before they're turned into chocolate and there for not being more episodes of this show. Also I need to be friends with the microbiologist nun, ASAP. That can happen in the second season.
Frank Turner concert, March 2016
Jen gives the Calgary 2016 Frank Turner show another stellar performance out of 1 cute tshirt with 998 bonus points for the crowd being supportive and non dickhead enough to ensure that Frank's friend could crowd surf the entire room and Frank surfed a little too and neither them appeared worse for wear after the fact, the band playing a fantastic blend of old and new songs including some they rarely play live, and Jeff for buying VIP tickets for my birthday last November that at most, we thought would admit us to sound check and get us some cool merch and maybe an autograph, and so being suitably amazed to find out that there were only 6 VIP people and we got to sit with Frank for 10 minutes listening to him play 2 new songs in addition to the merch etc. Minus 34 points to not being able to sing along and the couple coughing fits I endured when I tried to sing along. This is our 7th visit with the Church of Frank and they just improve with age.
Jen gives Captain Phillips 3 glasses of wine out of I was bored enough to watch a Tom Hanks movie with 4 bonus points for it sort of being like the Poseidon Adventure except the boat wasn't upside down and there were some subtitles and people of colour and no Gene Hackman and minus 9860 points for it being boring as fuck until the end part with the negotiation and other people's blood and whatnot and I wanted to make fun of Tom Hanks because he's an overrated actor and we all know he's an overrated actor but for a minute there he pulled a Cast Away/Philadelphia and was an okay actor and did a pretty convincing job as a guy who was in severe shock but it may just be the wine talking and he probably wasn't that good after all so we don't have anything to worry about and all is right in the world. Maybe tomorrow I'll watch a Nic Cage more just to remind me what good acting is really all about.
Jen gives Mad Max: Fury Road 24 hot empowered people with disabilities out of 18,650 counts of distracted driving with 310 bonus points for the most furious of the fury road scenes at the end and especially the part where they fought with chainsaws while racing through the desert (which is the natural cause I'd like to die of one day), Charlize and Tom being sexy badasses with some great DIY skills and the ability to adapt to the ever changing state of the dystopic modern relationship, the Lightning dust storm thing putting our Dirt City dust storms into perspective and Stuart for making me laugh harder than anything in the movie did when I tweeted "She just tore his face off. As one does." And he responded "like you've never torn anyone's face off". Minus 56,000 points for the fucked up dead baby scene and the first wives club girls in general who reminded us that sexism is even stronger than global warming and destruction of the planet, the electric guitar playing guy who should have varied his selections to include some singer-songwriter style ballads, and the failure of George Miller to realize that if he'd cut out the driving scenes, he could have had a very artful 12 minute long film about the existential nature of the future. It was definitely unhinged and absolutely impressive, but Mad Max was also kind of boring.
Jen gives Demolition 1 bag of peanut M&M's out of 17 disassembled appliances with 7895 bonus points for Kaufman levels of beautifully layered whimsical existentialism, the ridiculously talented Jake Gyllenhaal, kid film roles vastly improving in recent years so that the kid in this film is just as complex as all the messed up adults, and a sparse yet powerful screenplay that included one of the best conversations about the word fuck I've ever heard. Minus 2 points for all that stuff he broke during his one man fight club: someone's gotta pay for that you know, Jake. This film (along with others made by Jean-Marc Vallee) is a perfect example of the wonderfully complex art form that film can be. To see Davis progress through grief and the ripple effect his actions have on all him around him make us want to search for metaphors that may not be there but could also change everything. Yeah man, it's some heavy shit, but also hilarious. Just watch it, and you disagree, you can come to my house and take apart my fridge.
Jen gives American Ultra 1 stoner secret agent Jesse Eisenberg out of 1 consistently likeable in the face of all Twilight haters Kristen Stewart with 889 bonus points for the curious soundtrack, weirdly well written supporting characters and such gem lines as "why the fuck do you know that monkey fucking motherfucker", "that's a $400 Million puppy, sir" and "Is the house not ... Basically all on fire yet? Uh no, the house is basically normal right now". And 14 extra bonus points for the excellent proposal scene. Minus 1002 points for there not being nearly enough of the seemingly ageless shirtless badass tattooed shiny panted John Leguizamo, Topher Grace being doomed to a life of playing characters that no one takes seriously because of That 70's Show, and there being maybe a teensy bit too much gore, even if it was stylized and mostly hilarious. This film was Bourne Identity meets Grosse Pointe Blank meets Dazed and Confused meets A Life Less Ordinary meets Tree of Life and even though it couldn't really make up its mind genre-wise, I liked it.
Aboriginal Family Night planning group Sweat Lodge, June 2016
Jen gives my first sweat lodge 4 hours of introspection out of 12 very sweaty people of diverse backgrounds with 19,001 bonus points for Philip and Jason for leading the ceremony, songs, prayers and teachings and the gatekeeper whose name I unfortunately forget (but who was occasionally called Star Wars) for opening the lodge door when we asked so as to not cook us alive, John for organizing this for the partners of the Aboriginal Family Night planning group so I could have this opportunity and me for boosting my immune system in smoking tobacco with 12 other people with a pipe that's been used for at least 80 years and sharing corn and salmon and berries that were sitting in the sun for 4 hours as an offering to the spirits. Minus points to nothing because it was an incredible few hours and while I'm not going to delve into the depth of emotions and thoughts I had, I learned so many things and wish a similar experience on anyone. There was a moment in the fourth round where we had the maximum amount of rocks (and such intense steam from the water that even the leaders thought it was pretty hot) and one of the rocks had a small ember tag along so that it was the only bit of light in the otherwise pitch black lodge, and the red light swam through the darkness as Jason sang a grief song in response to some of our sharings and it was a moment in time I want to remember forever.
Jen gives Into the Woods 1 British accented singing Chris Pine out of 1 bear mauling (with the bear played expertly by Meryl Streep) with 890 bonus points for the few minutes where they weren't singing, Johnny Depp for being in a mercifully small role and the Cinderella sisters having their eyes pecked out by birds as the good fairy tale gods intended. Minus 90,001 points for the subtle feminist tones, the asshole singing kids who should have accidentally fallen off a cliff or been stomped on by a giant in the woods so I didn't have to listen to them anymore, Steven Sondheim for everything he did for society including cringe inducing talk-singing, and for leaving out the b-sides Into The Woods before they get chopped down through deforestation and burned down through climate change, The Spell Is On My House so I need a home renovation show to fix it up and flip it for profit, and I Want To Go to The Festival to wear a culturally inappropriate headdress and drink expensive wine with hipsters. If you want mixed up fairy tales, check out some Jon Scieszka. There's less singing, less Disney and it's actually funny.
Jen gives The Revenant one bear mauling out of one hatchet fight with 960 bonus points for the classic Jim Halpert look, the film having more bearded men than a Williamsburg bar in 2010 and all the credit in the world to the crew who went through hell and back trying to appease a batshit crazy director to create some epic masterpiece that wasn't really all that masterful. Minus 58,369 points for hibernating in a dead horse being sooooooo 35 years ago Hoth Planet Logic, Domhnall Gleeson for being too damn adorable and the movie for being so long I was hoping for another bear mauling just to end it swiftly. This movie was like Last of the Mohicans meets Gladiator meets Tree of Life meets any movie filmed in Canada and it was great Leo won best actor for dragging himself through the snow and grunting in pain and vengeance so he could make that nice speech about climate change but I'd rather he just made that speech for some other reason and that this movie was never
made.
Jen gives Jurassic World one motorbike riding dinosaur whispering ass kicking Chris Pratt out of three well trained albeit still vicious velociraptors with 23 bonus points for running in heels, questionable family vacations that lead to excellent bonding opportunities and no one learning from any mistakes of the past because if so, we wouldn't have had this chance to revisit the scientifically impossible and CGI driven world of childhood delight. Minus 89,600 points for it taking 4 screenwriters to create that cinematic achievement, the distinct lack of Jeff Goldblum, the super subtle use of Mercedes cars and Steven Spielberg just because he's got so much money that we have to at least take a few movie points away from him to make the world more balanced. While watching Chris Pratt on Parks and Rec a few years ago, I never would have predicted he'd become the next beefcake action star but I sure am glad that he did.
This is one of my top 5 restaurants of the last 10 years and it was a delight to see their renovated space tonight. The antipasto was an explosion of salty and sweet flavors, the wine was perfect, the waitress was Italian and helpful but not hovering, the panacotta was a little cloud of sugary delight and the braised rabbit with tomatoes, mushrooms, rosemary and gluten free pasta was quietly delicious and maybe the third best pasta I've ever had after the rabbit spice pasta in Ischia and slow roasted pork shoulder (with tomato and basil) pasta at Mario Batali's restaurant in New York and even at number 3, that's still pretty fucking excellent. Yes, I really like good food. It may be expensive but if you remember the taste for years to come, it's worth it.
Lessons learned from Ex Machina:
1) Domhnall Gleeson may be Thomas McKechnie's doppelgänger.
2) People are always more genius when drunk.
3) Even robots are better at walking in heels than me.
4) Alex Garland totally watched Return to Oz as a kid and thought the witch was hot.
5) Artificial Intelligence is a bad idea and computers will overthrow us all one day.
Jen gives Rage 1 Nicolas Cage Vehicle out of 1 movie that wouldn't have received any funding otherwise, with 2 bonus points for Danny Glover getting a pay check, Peter Stormare's right as a Swedish actor to have any accent he wants in a movie (all of them bad), and great lines like "Thug: how deep do you want me to go?" "Cage: how deep is hell?". Minus 88,001 points for this one not even being fun bad like some of the other Ragey Cagey films, it not even pretending to have a plot, and accidentally providing some commentary on gun control laws and background checks and accidental shootings and whatnot, because I'm pretty sure that level of thought didn't go into the actual making of the film. But despite the senseless violence, I am comforted by the fact that years from now, acting teachers worldwide will use Nic Cage as a prime example of the "phoning it in" acting method.
Jen gives the 5th Wave one husky voiced hot teenager following in the hot husky footsteps of Shailene and J-Law out of another ridonculous YA dystopia with Others but not the good kind of Benjamin Linus Others from Lost but aliens that look like humans but have some brain parasite thing which was maybe just from bad sushi, with 560 bonus points for despite the fact that the movie was total crap, the scene where she gets shot on the highway of dead people and consequently rescued by Dreamy Evan looked exactly the way I pictured it in the novel, Dreamy Evan for being dreamy, a complicated man and really good at helping to bandage the bullet wound on her sexy upper thigh, and Dreamy Evan's great line "love's not a trick; it's real. I know because of you". Minus 908 points for aliens killing the planet with electromagnetic pulses and tidal waves and avian flu, which is such a total bummer, Liev Schreiber's child soldier army which is kind of like Beasts of No Nation except they're mostly white kids and the story's not even a little bit true, and me falling asleep for a bit but still being able to follow the story totally when I woke up so that meant it was living a lie predictable. And good news, there will be some more movies with sexy badass kids before the trilogy is over, but I haven't read those ones so I don't know what type of sexy badass things they'll get up to, because let's face it, 450 pages of the first book was more than enough, thank you very much.
Jen gives Interstellar 5 to 6 time dimensions out of 2 Matthews with 980 bonus points for Michael Caine (because everything's better with Michael Caine), the robot with the 90s honesty rate (much like myself) and the 67 hour day and night cold planet clearly being a stand in for Edmonton winters. Minus 4501 points for it being an hour too long, I mean don't get me wrong it was really good and a bit of a think piece but I firmly believe that epic < editing in movies like this, getting the sense that Christopher Nolan has taken some mighty good drugs in the last few years because there's no way you come up with Inception or Interstellar if you're not at least a little bit high, and the missed opportunity of 124 year old Matthew McConaughey not taking advantage of the fact that he could have had the final line be "I love those Earth women; they get older, I stay the same age". Big mistake. HUGE. It's 2001 meets XFiles meets Lost meets The Abyss meets Inception meets Gravity meets Top Gun meets Sunshine meets Field of Dreams meets Dazed and Confused meets Tree of Life meets Harry and the Hendersons meets Good Will Hunting meets a Ken Burns doc meets a couple more hours worth of stuff at least. Now if you'll excuse me, I need to go drop some acid and see if I can figure out what the hell happened in that movie
Animal Ark for grownups. Fascinating idea but not riveting to read and I'm mad at Andre because over the last few years I've been genuinely starting to like dogs and we've been contemplating getting a dog and because I didn't care about these dogs at all I don't know if that means I don't actually like dogs after all or I just didn't like his dogs and so now I'm feeling even more existential than the dogs did. Maybe the gods should give me dog thoughts for awhile to help solve this dilemma. The one ingenious thing about the book though is that by giving dogs human thoughts and urges it helps highlight how fucked up humans are, which is something that we don't necessarily seem to recognize when humans are being fucked up on their own. Also that the gods are assholes who drink lousy beer, but that part didn't surprise me.
Jen gives The Big Short 7 trillion dollars worth of economic collapse (or something like that) out of a bunch of really good actors, with 12 bonus points for scruffy paranoid Brad Pitt, 4th wall snarkastic Ryan Gosling and the Margot Robbie and Selena Gomez bits where they explained things like the scientists do on Quirks and Quarks; in a way that people can mostly understand even if they know nothing about the actual thing being explained. Minus 950 million points for stupid banks and stupid mortgages and not understanding anything they were talking about but being entertained nonetheless which I think was kind of the point so maybe that's more of a bonus point, and by the end of it I did at least figure out that sub prime stuff is bad and also banker/trader people are the rude people always on their cell phones in meetings and everywhere and Ryan Gosling is always adorable.
Even a hastily made Boyle-Sorkin film is still better than most movies, especially when you have an actor like Fassbender who excels at playing jerks, and Kate Winslet, who excels at putting up with jerks. It looked great and sounded great and was not one of the bestest Boyles ever made, but it could always be worse. It could be Sunshine.
Orange is the New Black, Season 4
Gives Orange is the New Black Season 4 thirteen emotionally devastating gut punches out of an intelligent overarching critique of the justice system, with 78 bonus points for the complex and fascinating relationships, heightened focus on race and the abuse of power of prison guards and clusterfuckiness of bureaucracy and prison privatization. Minus 10,000 points for Q spoiling the ending for me when I still had 5 episodes left but it not really mattering because the ending was just as wrenching nonetheless. Extra bonus points for me not spoiling the last few episodes for those of you who haven't seen them yet; I won't tell but will start the online support group whenever you're ready.
This film was highly delightful with excellent writing and proof that British character actors have even less shame than American characters actors do. It was like Trainwreck meets Serendipity meets Nick and Norah meets Love ActuaIly meets the low expectations and therefore unexpected happiness caused by films like Safety Not Guaranteed. I don't still think that everything which is British is automatically better as I did a few years ago, but when it comes to romantic comedies, that is often the case.
Jen gives Day 3 of Osheaga 1 uneven sunburn out of 1 hot sunny day full of stellar music with 560 bonus points for the delightful danciness of Leon Bridges, Cat Empire and new discovery Mo, exploring various stuff and things and not feeling like total bollocks today but still having the beauteous Osheaga Platinum food/drink barge to escape to for zen time and an assortment of fruited water drinks (this time including watermelon, cucumber, lemon, and the crown jewel strawberry basil), and of course last but not least the suitably epic Radiohead performance which included a great range of relatively unknown songs that no one could dance to and some of the greatest hits in their two encores, and Creep, a song I thought they'd vowed never to play again, followed by the opportunity to wait in the zen barge for an hour before going home so we could avoid the long and claustrophobic metro lines. Minus 9804 points for Grimes and M83 both breaking the sound barrier and possibly my ears and while Grimes isn't my favourite style she is fiercely talented and it's sad she was sick and ended her set early (even though she was breaking my ears), Disclosure for cancelling at the last minute so there was no opening act for Radiohead which was actually a positive because I'm pretty sure no one was there to listen to them anyway and it meant that a random DJ was able to be the opening band while 40,000 people were a captive audience and also that my VIP people got to chill in the lounge while we waited and still have a pretty close up spot for Radiohead which no doubt angered the hell out of the diehard fans who'd been there ALL DAY against the barrier and seemingly not enjoying any of the other music, one particular Radiohead fan who deserves special minus points for being a dickhead and ensuring that some of us who were in a sweet "between the barriers" area had to move so that his view wouldn't be blocked, and black nose boogers I've had every night as a result from all the people that smoke in Montreal. Sadly another Osheaga comes to a close, but I can happily say that the VIP tickets were worth the money.
Jen gives Day 2 of Osheaga 3 girls who rock out of an indeterminate amount of folk/pop/rock guy bands that white people like with 90,001 bonus points for the sunny afternoon spent on the food and drink barge on comfy couches drinking gin, listening to but generally ignoring most of the indeterminate guy bands, and getting a Montreal festival sunburn as the good lord intended, the nefarious plan that meant Jeff was able to get a camera in this time and take some great music photos, bathroom lineup camaraderie and a golf cart ride from the main stage to the forest stage that was better than an amusement park ride and definitely revealed another perk of the VIP tickets. Minus 670 points for the few medical situations that may or may not have been related to all the drugs that people have probably been taken (as demonstrated by just the couple occasions of us watching people taking various drugs), the whole lotta boobs and butts I've seen the last two days which is delightful and I appreciate girls of any shape or size putting them on display and I'm even getting I used to the unofficial uniform of jean shorts and bra toppy things even though it's a bit boring but at the risk of sounding like a prude, I'm not really sure what fashion statement is being made by the girls wearing underwear - just underwear, sometimes silky lingerie and sometimes 90s style Calvin Klein cotton underwear - to the festival, perhaps they are hoping to be discovered as the next great Instagram/Sears catalogue models, and me not realizing that Coeur de Pirate was so fucking awesome and dynamic and a little over the top but in the best way possible.
Jen gives Day 1 of Osheaga 23,000 shirtless bros out of 30,000 high waisted acid washed denim shorted girls with bra tops or bodysuits or overalls with 967 bonus points for the VIP tickets getting us front of stage access at a couple of the bigger stages, zen river barge restaurant bar/lounge rights and hidden bathrooms, the always entertaining fashions that today included a girl in a hospital gown who we can't quite decide whether she was wearing it for fashion or perhaps had escaped from somewhere, and some good musical selections of Dear Rouge, Wombats, Bloc Party and some other people we mostly didn't pay attention to, and minus 49,001 points for the dumbass organizers who led us to believe that Jeff could bring his good camera in but then we found out at the gate that he couldn't after waiting in the long line up so we had to take the metro back to our hotel to drop it off and then come back and wait in an even longer line up to get back in and there were all sorts of people with the same type of lenses at the festival and I know Jeff is mostly over it now so I should let it die but this is my review and I get to pick the bonus and minus points, the fact that this festival is even bigger and more corporate than the last time we were here, and above all the disturbing 1990s fashion revival which is mostly allowable other than chokers. There is no need to bring chokers back into this world, and this trend must be stopped.
Jen gives Martin Dockery's latest Fringe storytelling adventure The Exclusion Zone 1 spastic scrawny 47 year old (he told us his age, that's not a guess) out of 1 old chatty audience member named Iris with 1.5 bonus points for it being a story about a book about a Russian movie about a nuclear disaster that hadn't happened yet about a visit to that place where nothing happened and lots of stuff about Burning Man performed in a fully air conditioned yoga studio with lights on, and minus 1.5 points for it really kind of being bullshit about nothing but he's been doing this for so long that he knows how to sell nothing and it's still hella entertaining nonetheless, and again 1.5 extra bonus points for the front row lady who answered his audience participation question about Chernobyl but then kept talking after he was clearly done with his question and after a very long feeling minute or so her friend said "shut up Iris, stop talking" and he promised to go for coffee with her later to talk more if he could go back to his show. Did he deserve the 1.5 stars for this show? Probably. Will I go to see him again next year, not knowing if it will be good or bad or just bizarre and overwrought as always? Absolutely.
Tragically Hip Concert on CBC, August 2016
Gives the last Tragically Hip concert 7 Kleenexes out of 11.7 million crying fans with 89,001 bonus points for CBC exemplifying the role of a public broadcaster with their 3 hours of non-commercial coverage, Devin and his Magical Internet Skills for making it possible for Jeff and I to watch the show a week after it aired and Justin Trudeau for looking damn fine in a Hip shirt and confident enough to carry out the promises Gord made for him. 62 minus points for not being a part of the Communal Hip Fan Weepfest last Saturday but at least I was filling the worthy role of Unpaid Camera Operator #2 for the Great Balanzo's Official Paparazzi at the Fringe so it's a pretty good reason to have missed the original broadcast, there just not being enough middle aged male rock bands with singers who wear shiny fuchsia suits with jaunty hats and feel comfortable in publicly kissing their band mates on the lips before and after shows, and fucking brain cancer for giving tumours to some of the nicest people I've known. It was a beautiful thing to watch and those who did shall remember it for a long time to come.
Jen gives my first brunch at Cafe Linnea 1 beautiful space out of 1 forward thinking living wage establishment with 694 bonus points for a delicious and (hopefully) Jenny Friendly buckwheat crepe galette paired beautifully with a strawberry pimento pepper juice, the indoor garden and gorgeous design and them for being busy already even though most people don't even yet know they are open. Minus 45 points for all the other yummy looking things that I wasn't able to eat today because you can't eat all the things in one day, potential naysayers who think that costs are higher when tips are included/factored into prices because if you do the math, they really aren't that much higher to places that have equally delicious food, and me for always forgetting that despite the artfully done quality of them, I really don't like cappuccinos that much and I should get a London Fog next time. Extra bonus points for Kelsey and her crew for getting the place up and running and the staff for looking relatively calm and controlled (at least externally, they could have been freaking out internally and I never would have known). I look forward to visiting again (especially when the liquor license arrives and so do the breakfast cocktails) and it's probably a good thing we don't live very close or I'd be there all the time.
Jen gives Mr Nobody 1 creepy old Jared Leto out of 1 hot young Jared Leto out of 1 alternate reality Jared Leto out of 1 rain drop out of 1 train out of 1 extra just in case Jared Leto with 905 bonus points for Blade Runner meets Matrix meets Benjamin Button meets Tree of Life meets The Fountain meets Sliding Doors meets the Sweet Hereafter meets Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind meets Inception meets Cloud Atlas and 32 minus points for it being 2 hours and 19 minutes of my life I'll never get back except that if time starts going backwards then maybe I ended up ahead in the end and that also proves that the movie that cost $47 million to make and brought in $1600 on the opening weekend and $650,000 in 3 years hasn't lost money but has made 2.8 new civilizations and paid for at least one Jared Leto haircut and a fish and with a German-Canada-Belgium production there may be such a thing as too many weird cultures working together on one movie.
Jen gives Stranger Things 5 awesome kid characters (plus some nearly awesome teenage characters) out of 2 exploded rotary phones with 780 bonus points for a paycheck for Winona Ryder and Matthew Modine, a perfect blend of all the 80s tropes and details to make it just predictable enough that it was never truly scary but satisfyingly creepy as hell, and the greatest mood music since Trent Reznor managed to make Markus Zuckerberg seem ominous. Minus 67 points for mean government people being mean to Eleven (but more bonus points for them getting what they deserve eventually), Steve being kind of a douche and still not getting eaten by a monster, and the Duffer Brothers somehow knowing that through all of that creepy creepiness, they saved one of the only things that I've truly had nightmares about for my entire life for the last episode and scene and along with Neil Gaiman and the weird worm pulled from the kid's foot in Ocean at the End of the Lane, I will likely be scarred for life by what happened in the last scene of the show. But apart from that it was tons of fun and I loved the show and I think everyone should watch it and sorry if there's spoilers in there. #notactuallysorry
Jen gives my 38th Birthday 1 hilarious play expert who advocates for kids playing with hammers and axes out of 1 most excellent conference where I got paid to build a cardboard box fort with some of my favourite library ladies with 901 bonus points for it not snowing or being totally wonky fucking weather today, all the wonderful birthday wishes from everyone and a spectacular surprise dinner from Jeff at Rge Rd that was amazing despite the fact that as an English Major I usually make a habit of not humouring businesses that are spelled cutesy or incorrectly AND a dessert and appetizer that were so good I assumed they were too good to be true and I was probably allergic to them but they were actually totally alright for me and sometimes places actually serve delicious foods I can eat without making a huge fuss about it. 12 minus points for Canada not being more like Scandinavia because they clearly do everything better there, me for not having a little more faith in fancy restaurants that can make delicious foods for me and my birthday for not being a national holiday or at least a week long because honestly I don't care how old I am, I will never stop loving my birthday.
Gilmore Girls: A Year in the Life
Jen gives Gilmore Girls: A Year in the Life 2 fast talking Sorkin-inspired Palladinos out of 2 failed Kirk businesses with 904 bonus points for the always fabulous but seemingly shrinking Emily Gilmore for her newfound liberation and ability to now say bullshit, how hot Jess is now, the hilarity of the Paris/Rory Chilton Bathroom scene, the typical pop culture mocking and meta references, the secret bar, some stellar cameos, the 30 something underemployed Stars Hollow crowd who seem like a not so subtle dig at their fan base that it feels like the Palladinos hold both in contempt but also have to thank for the longstanding following and revival of the show and lines like "hey, what was the exact moment you became a Mamet play?". Minus 652 points for the midlife crisis vibes, the Hamilton/all the musicals ever and Across the Universe homages that were probably supposed to be funny and stuff but were mostly just annoying, Logan for being Logan, and the fact that the final scene implies either a definite potential for future episodes or definite potential to piss fans off if there are no more episodes and either way it's kind of a silly cliffhanger way to end a show that has never really been a cliffhanger sort of show. But even with that, some terrible lighting in the Winter episode, some overly dramatic bits, not enough Melissa McCarthy, some jokes that fell flat, some people that look old, some people that don't look old enough and the inclusion of stupid Logan, I'd still say this rebooted version is worth watching for all the same reasons that the original seasons were worth watching - fast talking and ridiculously loveable characters and very little plot to worry about. Now I need to see what the Gilmore Guys have to say about all of this.
Jen gives Baz Luhrmann's 1996 Romeo + Juliet 1 hiccup crying Leo out of 1 chin quivering crying Claire with 890 bonus points for all the typical subtle stylistic nuances of a Luhrmann film, John Leguizamo and some pretty great Radiohead song action. Minus 6 points for me taking about 20 years to realize the inherent dreaminess of Leonardo DiCaprio (although to be fair I had to sit through The Revenant so retroactively that probably put me back at least 5 years and he was in Titanic and there was no need for Titanic), and the fact that he was 22 and she was 17 (so probably at least 16 and 21 when filming took place) and does that make anyone other than me feel a bit icky about it being the greatest love story ever told, if not a tad illegal? But not to worry, because LOOK AT THOSE EYES.
Jen gives Mr Right 1 Wonderfully Weird as Ever Sam Rockwell out of 1 Always Delightful and Similarly Odd Anna Kendrick with 904 bonus points for Steve and his green gummy bears, Tim Roth for being Tim Roth and the Grosse Pointe Blank vibe which I originally thought was derivative but then I decided who cares, there need to be more of these screwball comedy romance hit men stories in the world because they are so much better than hit men movies that are dark and depressing because obviously hit men are funny people. Minus 12 points for the cat scratches that magically disappeared, the fake rain at the end and the throwing knife thing which was more creepy than sexy and gave me flashbacks of the one time an ex boyfriend thought it would be funny to stand outside the bathroom door with a knife like a serial killer and when I screamed he realized it probably wasn't as funny as he had predicted. He just needed to be a funny hit man and it would have alright, which I think is a lesson we can all learn in life. Or maybe he just needed to be Sam Rockwell, who I've loved since about 1996 so that pre-dates all the boyfriends except for the 3 day boyfriend in high school. It's possible I'm digressing here but really the moral of the story here is don't throw knives, kids. Unless you're Sam Rockwell.
Jen gives Left Behind 1 Expertly Phoned In Nic Cage Performance Helping to Pay Off Continued IRS debt out of 4 million instances of the Kindly Wrath of God with 142 bonus points for Chad Michael Mudface helping Nic Cage yell at an off screen person and shake in his seat like the plane was going down even though it was totally just in a studio all along, the porn star flight attendant who ended up being a good girl after all and also helping to save the day (but can't have been that good if she didn't get taken to heaven along with all the nice innocent people, if you know what I'm sayin) and me having a brief twitter conversation with Torquil Campbell tonight which is totally unrelated to the movie but far more interesting than anything that happened in the movie. Minus 78,000 points for it getting pretty Goddy up in there all over the place, people freaking out so much about the disappeared people when really you think they'd be a little more appreciate about the accidental population control and there not being nearly enough (aka none) swearing for a Nic Cage movie, making this the polar opposite of something like Ghost Rider but reassuring to know that Nic Cage unites the most diverse of bad movies. And in closing, let us quote the Church of Frank - We're definitely going to hell, but we'll have all the best stories to tell.
Jen gives the Cleveland vs Chicago World Series 108 years out of 4 million-ish dedicated and delightfully insane Cubs fans with 9001 bonus points for Grandpa Rossy's home run, the 7th inning renditions of Take Me out to the Ballgame by Bill Murray and Eddie Vedder, the bow tie interviewer guy who gets to do all the Bull Durham interviews at the end and me for finally making good on some of my wedding vows and learning some of the rules of baseball (along with the help of some new twitter friends). 78 minus points for Cleveland not changing their racist logo yet, the multiple near heart attacks of the last game and some of the games for happening during times that weren't convenient for me. It turns out that sports can be kinda fun when the team you like wins. But don't tell anyone that or it might wreck my street cred.
Jen gives Boxing Day afternoon 780 buckets of slushy snowy rain out of 780 varieties of slushy snowy rain depending on what elevation I was in the city with 56,000 bonus points for Devin and Lisa visits that included train playing and interpretive dancing time with Sophie, the decision to avoid visiting any stores, the choice to wear my ugly snow boots and my delicious but mostly Jenny unfriendly dinner at Earls. Minus 670 points for the evening not including a movie because I neglected to buy my ticket ahead of time and apparently no one buys tickets at the time of the movie anymore and the only ones that still had 7pm shows available were about video games or Harry Potter and I had little desire to spend my hard earned gift card on either of those topics, the car for almost running me over on the walk back to my hotel (which even slowed down as I crossed the street and then sped up right before I walked in front of him) and extra minus points for being a total frozen drowned rat who laments the fact that she may have become more Albertan than she cares to admit given that minus 30 and snowy may actually be preferable to this shitty weather. Extra bonus points to the tea and bubble bath I'm about to have to compensate for the extra minus points.
Jen gives Girl Ghostbusters 4 ass kicking 30 and 40 something actresses saving the world wearing non skanky outfits out of 8 vats of goo with 96 bonus points for the cameos by most of the original gang, the objectification of a Hemsworth boy and it just being a fun movie. Minus 21 points for it not being that good of a movie but since when did that ever really matter, the asshole haters for being jerks to Leslie Jones on Twitter and being generally whiny about an all female remake destroying their childhoods, and the omission of the dance sequences except for in the end credits. It's not often I'd fault the omission of dance sequences but when they involve a Hemsworth brother, I make an exception to that rule.
Jen gives La La Land 1 scruffy dancing Ryan out of 1 big eyed singing Emma with 204 La La bonus points for mercifully little singing for a musical (and let me tell you it wasn't looking good when they started the movie off singing and dancing on cars on the freeway and I thought I might have to run up and down the aisles of the theatre screaming SLAYER until it stopped), some dream sequences and surprisingly unhappy ending despite them basically achieving their unrealistic dreams. 92,054 La La minus points for them not really deciding on what sort of movie this was because it wasn't enough of a musical for me to fully hate it but not enough of a romantic comedy or whimsical drama for me to love it and for the part when I found myself tapping my foot along to a dreamy dance sequence and felt like I was living a lie because I'd been totally prepared to hate the fuck out of this movie but it really wasn't that bad. It wasn't that good either but it was well worth every penny and by every penny I mean $8 of my $15 gift card.
Jen gives Facebook Year in Review (the real version, not the ready-made slideshow edition) 1.79 Billion monthly active users out of 319 actual friends out of 48-ish people whose posts Facebook lets me see on a regular basis, with 890 bonus points for some intelligent conversations with opposing yet respectful view points, friendships that may not exist if it weren't for Facebook, some excellent photos and some news stories I may never have learned about otherwise. Minus 67,201 points for outrage (including mine), open letters, weird ass algorithms, badly targeted advertising, more outrage, real dead celebrities, fake dead celebrities, chain letters, selfies, baby photos, food photos, animal photos, orangutan photos (mostly mine), fake news stories, the realization that some people are more racist and sexist than previously thought, a lack of critical thinking skills, a society of people suffering from social media addiction (including me), and Facebook not caring that I WRITE MY OWN GODDAMN REVIEWS, I DON'T NEED YOUR REVIEWS, REVIEWS ARE WHAT I DO, I LOVE WRITING REVIEWS, DON'T TAKE THAT AWAY FROM ME, THANK YOU VERY MUCH. And extra minus points for more outrage.
Congratulations, you made it through the reviews! I give you 6780 bonus points and a couple bananas.
