The Ferret Review

We post Monday-Thursday just as the gods demand.

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Man In Sinking Boat Exhibits Good Business Sense

               A man aboard a vessel sinking into the ocean sat calmly while those around him worked to save the boat and their own lives. He chose not to act without incentive, responding to his crewmate’s cries for help with indifference, saying, “What’s in it for me? I’m not running a charity over here.                More people should keep this in mind. Too many volunteers give out their help for free when they could not getting paid. You’re not going to make money helping others.

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Local Uncle Admonishes Teen for Eating Before Prayer

Joel Francis, ex-drug-dealer and born again Christian admonished his teenage nephew for not waiting to pray before eating at a recent family function. His Nephew, Kevin Francis’s parents are not as religious as his uncle, who spent the morning in a black out drunk on the couch before going out to smoke. Joel was quoted as saying, “Kids just don’t understand the importance of a strong moral foundation.” He then proceeded to invite our reporter to go out to a strip club, which he says he “doesn’t normally do, but hey it’s Labor Day.”

More on this story as it continues.

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Real People Write-ins

               Liberals claim to support the needs of the working man with their push for a raise in the minimum wage, but what does the actual working man want? The Ferret Review was recently contacted by an anonymous source who claims to work at a fast food restaurant earning the minimum wage. Here are his views.

               Ahoy-hoy Ferret Review, I just wanted to write in and clear up a few misconceptions.               I know that a lot of people are claiming that we workers in the fast food restaurants want a higher working wage, but it just isn’t true. I work at McDonald’s restaurant, and if he were to offer me a raise I would tell him no thank you. I think people make the assumption that I’m working to feed myself and my family, but it’s not true. Fast food is my passion, and I just think that being paid more would dull my senses. The hunger keeps me on my toes.              If they paid me more, what am I going to do, send my kid to college? You don’t need to go to college to work fast food.  It’ll only hurt the business, and the truth is I think we all know that the business is more important than I am. It’s more important than my kids. It’s more important than anything.                 So I just thought I’d let you know. The people fighting to pay me less are my heroes, not big city liberals. Something to think about as this issue continues.

                                                                                                               Sincerely,

                                                                                                               Definitely Real Human

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New State Quarters Series Continued

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From the Field #2

57 years ago, during The Ferret Review’s golden years renowned field reporter Penny Farlove boarded a fishing boat chartered for Madagascar. Her mission was to document the lifestyle of a newly discovered Lemur, which had remained hidden previously due to it’s incredibly small size.Unfortunately her voyage was interrupted by a tropical storm, and she was never heard from again. A young boy speaking a foreign language entered the Ferret Review headquarters deep in the mountains. He brought with him a laundry basket full of lost Correspondence from Penny Farlove. This is her story.

The following was carved into the inside of a coconut with a shark’s tooth.

June 9th, 1960

Salutations once again sponsors. I have yet to escape the island, though I’d suspected my rat would be completed quickly I have run into complications. The islands center, which I have not yet ventured into, appear to hide some sort of reptilian creature. I am only hypothesizing the beasts nature based on it’s tracks. Last night, while I slept in my makeshift hammock high in the trees, the beast came down to the beach and destroyed my raft.

I am not a vengeful woman, but I do feel that this beast may be of some scientific worth, so I have decided to track it down. Its size implies that it is some cousin to dinosaurs, and my paleontology professor from back in the day would hand me my ass if she found out I hadn’t investigated further.

The island is not large, so I doubt very highly that the beast will be able to hide for long. Whether that is in it’s favor or mine, remains to be seen. I send this note out just before venturing inward, armed only with my machete, and the steely will of an adventurer, as my grandfather would say. Wish me luck, and know that if this is the end of my communications I have died as I would wish, as a part of the food chain.

So long!

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Local Man So Mad about Hipsters

Aw geez, this guy is really mad. Ooh boy, he is steaming. Just mad like you wouldn’t believe, look at him go. He is p-i-s-s-e-d, pissed, turning red and all that. Just furious, jeez. Wouldn’t want to meet him in a dark alley at all. Wow oh wow, is he mad or what!?

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Above: President Trump gropes wall

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U.S. Mint finds states have become too cocky and releases worst statistic quarters for each one. 

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From The Field #1

57 years ago, during The Ferret Review’s golden years renowned field reporter Penny Farlove boarded a fishing boat chartered for Madagascar. Her mission was to document the lifestyle of a newly discovered Lemur, which had remained hidden previously due to it’s incredibly small size.Unfortunately her voyage was interrupted by a tropical storm, and she was never heard from again. A young boy speaking a foreign language entered the Ferret Review headquarters deep in the mountains. He brought with him a laundry basket full of lost Correspondence from Penny Farlove. This is her story.  The following was originally written on a palm leaf using some sort of berry as ink.

June 7th, 1960

Greeting my bountiful benefactors at The Ferret Review. It would appear that I have run into a small tad of trouble on my way to Madagascar. Have no worries. I shall find your miniature lemur, but I will be slightly delayed. MY hopes is that I can provide some entertainment for your readers (who I know are ravenous) by documenting my escape from the island I find myself shipwrecked on. 

First, allow me to explain my situation. Last night, my chartered vessel was hit by a tropical storm. The ship was tossed about like a rubber duck in the bath of a particularly malicious two year old. As a result, all hands were on deck, including myself. Waves crashing onto us, we struggled to keep the boat afloat, and I was washed overboard.

Luckily, I spent two years in Hawaii documenting the lives of free divers, and I was able to narrowly avoid death by drowning. I awoke floating among debris from the ship, and found that I’d tied myself to a board sometime during the night to keep myself afloat. It’s strange. I don’t remember doing it at all. The only memories from the previous night I have are of darkness and salt.

I saw the island I’m now on in the distance and was able to reach it after hours of swimming, pausing occasionally to rest on the board I was tied to. I was forced to confront the fact that the crew had almost certainly gone down with the ship. Distressing. I had grown quite close with one of the deckhands over the course of a few nights. I made note to perform a ceremony of some sort to pay my respects, but so far I have been too preoccupied with survival.

The island I am now writing to you from is tiny, not even worthy of putting on a map. I can circumnavigate it in half a day, and resources are scarce. I have gathered supplies, and found a source of water inland, so I should have no problem surviving until I can finish constructing this boat. 

For now, I’ll sign off. Expect more correspondence as I complete the construction of my boat, well, raft more like. 

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Movie Script looking for funding

-Big, Evil Government: With Unions, we can keep taxes high and great cheese expensive. Then Americans will only be able to afford our cheese!

-Sam Walton: Do you mind if I open up a couple stores to give American great goods at a reasonable price?

-Big, Evil Government: No. If Americans want stores like that, they can vote us out of office and lose all their food stamps and starve! *Deep State Laughter*

-Chinese Government: Yes, the American Government has learned well from us.

-Sam Walton: I hate to be rude, but this doesn’t sound right . People need power and choices. People should be able to speak to their manager if they need a day off, a raise, or even a hug instead of giving all their money to unions or spending all their time fighting a faceless government. That’s just my two cents. 

-Big, Evil Government - You Blockhead. Can’t you see that people don’t want freedom?

-Sam Walton: Maybe you’re right. *Said Slyly* But What do the people of China want?

-Chinese Government: What? What are you talking about you capitalist foot?

-Sam Walton: Well, we’ll have you make our top quality goods giving you money, jobs, and freedom for your people. 

-Chinese Government: Wow, sounds like this capitalist spark would do wonders for our godless nation. 

Sam Walton: We’ll work on that part later. *Genius Laugh*

Big, Evil Government: But...How can this be happening? 

Sam Walton: It’s because you turned your back on our founding fathers. The New Deal stabbed our country in the back and destroyed our spirit. Nothing will be made in this country until you find a leader that knows sacrifice and how to be an honorable businessman. That is the only way to make America Great Again. 

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Donald Trump posts feelings on today's news on his Myspace feed.

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You know that knife in your gut? That feeling that you’ll never get better? You try to pull it out, but that little stream of blood says stop. I’m going through that. Can you ever rip it out or do you just have to let it heal into your body? I’d do anything to get it out. I’d do anything for it to for it to never have happened. Do you feel the same way?

-An Elf in Santa’s Workshop

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Nation surprised that local idiot continues to be an idiot. 

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A List of Demands from The People

The Ferret Review recently surveyed regular Americans, to find out what they wanted from their government. Here are some of the most voted for results. 

Better Infrastructure Lower Taxes Helping Small Businesses Helping Big Businesses Better Healthcare Lower Taxes Robot Military End War On Christians Deport Refugees More Jobs But good jobs that pay well Lower Taxes People to be held accountable for their decisions Let me make decisions for them Lower Taxes Remove eyes in the hills, always watching me Basic income Lower Taxes Socialist Policies Until I’m Rich Lower Taxes Kill The Poor Lower Taxes Let them poison us Lower Taxes Lower Taxes Lower Taxes The crowd is chanting, “Lower Taxes.” They are all around you now, hands reaching for you, trying to pull at your clothes. “Lower Taxes,” one of them slobbers, a hulking monstrosity lumbering towards you. How did it come to this you wonder. You had only wanted to help. You’d only wanted to help.

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New Strategy for Democrats

Today Democrats have taken a new strategy for fighting the Trump administration. Over the weekend Bernie Sanders and other far left leaning democrats gathered together at his garage. There they constructed a White House model at 1:2 scale out of cardboard and other recyclable materials.

They plan to place it in front of the actual White House while Trump is away on his weekly golf vacation. They have already drawn straws to determine who will be trapped in the White House replica with Trump to convince him it is real. Elizabeth Warren has valiantly agreed to spend the next three and a half years watching Trump.

Political analysts expect this to be a successful strategy based on Trump’s previous interactions with building design, and his growingly obvious dementia.

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Letter to the editor

Dear Jessica,

It wasn’t what it looked like. I know it looked bad, but It wasn’t my fault. I got such at great deal at the local Wal-Mart that I couldn’t help but celebrate with adultery. It was nothing, but I realized how much it means to you. I will never do it again, and the limited time offer of 10 dollar machetes makes it certain that I will never do it again. However, I am not a perfect man so I will still have to go to the local wal-mart to save money to buy you everything you deserve like 20 dollar grills, 50 dollar .22 rifles, and those little chocolate things that say “I Love you”. Please forgive me Jessica. I cannot live without you, and I don’t want to share the dollar savings with anyone else. 

Your True Love and Coupon Cruncher