The Secret History: Abridged (part 1)
Fair use disclaimer: The following text is intended as a parody and literary commentary of the published book “The Secret History” by Donna Tartt. Some direct quotations from the book, constituting a very low percentage of the original, have been integrated in the parodic text where appropriate. The author of this text neither profits nor intends to profit from it.
Richard Papen, the narrator, a perpetually starry-eyed youth with all the agency of the proverbial sexy lamp
Julian Morrow (played by King Julian of Madagaskar), a Greek professor who doesn’t actually teach
The Toffs, as viewed through Richard’s rose-tinted glasses:
Henry Winter, a young genius, deeply devoted to Julian
Bunny Corcoran, an uncouth older student with a heart of gold deep inside
Francis Abernathy, a refined yet sensitive youth
Charles Macaulay, a young man who sometimes has a bit too much to drink
Camilla Macaulay, an exquisite beauty, the only girl in the clique
Judy Poovey, the only character in the book with both brains and heart
Georges “I told you so” Laforgue
the greek chorus (played by a person in a floral bedsheet toga with two sockpuppets)
The Fans, seated in the front row of the audience
The farmer, brutally murdered by four rich kids on a drug trip
Chapter 1, in which Richard joins a cult (and the greek chorus monologues)
Richard: My name is Richard Pipen and I like pretty things. Maybe that’s cause my childhood was real poor and real awful.
Richard: I even picked Hampden College cause it looked pretty in the recruitment brochure. I have no friends, I failed pre-med, and the only thing I’m okay at is Greek language. …Guess I’ll take Greek.
Georges (the French teacher): Monsieur, I’m afraid zat will be a problem. You see, ze Greek teacher is incredibly… selective about his students. And by selective, I mean on a personal level.
Richard: oh, so he’s gay.
Georges: Non! He isolates his students, he grooms them to have ze same views as himself, and ze only reason ze school puts up with him is because he refuses his salary!
Richard: I dunno, my dad beat me before and after dinner, so this sounds perfectly healthy to me. Guess I’ll go knock on his door.
Richard: knocks on Julian’s door …Please let me study Greek.
Julian: Why, that’s rather quaint of you, young man, but I’m afraid my class is filled to the brim. Only got space for five people, you see. Very rigorous, that. Anyway, excuse me, I have a princess to tutor. Istrami royalty, though I don’t assume you would know. pauper
Henry and the Four Toffs: stroll the campus, looking pretty
But I watched them with interest whenever I happened to see them: Francis, stooping to talk to a cat on a doorstep; Henry dashing past at the wheel of a little white car, with Julian in the passenger’s seat; Bunny leaning out of an upstairs window to yell something at the twins on the lawn below. Slowly, more information came my way. Francis Abernathy was from Boston and, from most accounts, quite wealthy. Henry, too, was said to be wealthy; what’s more, he was a linguistic genius. He spoke a number of languages, ancient and modern, and had published a translation of Anacreon, with commentary, when he was only eighteen. The twins had an apartment off campus, and were from somewhere down south. And Bunny Corcoran had a habit of playing John Philip Sousa march tunes in his room, at full volume, late at night.
Not to imply that I was overly preoccupied with any of this.
the greek chorus: yeah riiight
Richard: totally not eavesdropping on The Four Toffs studying Greek
Charles: That’s Latin, you dumb-
Richard: Excuse me? I’m sorry, but would the locative case do?
Bunny: Thanks, man, you helped a lot. Wish you were in our class.
Henry, appearing out of nowhere: Ah, yes, the archaic locative. Are you a Homeric scholar?
Henry: Oh, you “like” Homer? Name all the 1,186 ships in the Catalogue.
Richard: All my life, I’ve dealt with poor jerks, so dealing with rich jerks sounded way more appealing. I figured I’d do what worked with my old man - lie my ass off. Excuse me, Dr. Roland, I need uh two hundred dollars from my financial aid? It’s for my uh car, it’s the uh transmission.
the greek chorus: that’s 548 dollars in 2020 money. also, is everyone in this book named after a historical figure?
Richard: knocks on Julian’s door again, having bought one hundred [274] dollars’ worth of expensive clothes
Julian: Oh my, and to think I mistook you for a peasant the first time. Come in, young man - any relation to French kings? Are you from California? What do you do in California?
Richard: Oh, you know… money, orange groves, money, ennui and more money - wow, he’s actually buying it.
Julian: Even Plato knew that class and conditioning and so forth have an inalterable effect on the individual. cough that’s why I only tutor rich and classy students. cough I’m afraid my students are never very interesting to me because I always know exactly what they’re going to do.
the greek chorus: fly, you fool
Richard: listens with stars in his eyes
Julian: Young man, I will take you on as a student, but you must take me on as your academic counselor, drop all your classes and pick up the ones I tell you to. Most of them are going to be with me - you know, a great diversity of teachers is harmful for the young mind.
Richard: Oh wow, that sounds elite and exclusive and totally not like a weird cult.
Georges “The Voice of Reason” Laforgue: Mon Dieu, are you serious? Do you understand how isolated you’ll be from ze rest of ze college? What if you have a disagreement? What if he is unfair to you? And this man is so elitist - why, that’s ze first time he’s accepted a student on financial aid! …Does he know you’re on financial aid?
Richard: I’m not gonna tell him.
the greek chorus: annnd he switches majors
the greek chorus: did he just say “Wanna fu-”
The Fans: oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooohh!
Bunny: Get a load of this guy. Henry actually bought himself a Montblanc pen just cause Julian loves them. And he used to say they were ugly. What was it, three hundred [822] bucks?
Henry: You “studied” Greek? Recite every single Greek poem.
Henry: fake fans smh. Now I’ll speak Latin and flex on you some more.
Bunny: Don’t be a prick, Henry.
Julian, coming in fashionably late:
He was a marvelous talker, a magical talker, and I wish I were able to give a better idea what he said, but it is impossible for a mediocre intellect to render the speech of a superior one – especially after so many years – without losing a good deal in the translation.
the greek chorus: do you know what it means when someone talks big and beautiful and yet you can’t remember the talking points? means they’re talking nonsense
Julian: Though after all your Xenophon and Thucydides I dare say there are not many young people better versed in military tactics. Because, as you know, ancient Greek battle tactics are still valid in our modern age! Do you feel sufficiently special and superior, my lab m- lovely students?
Henry: The six of us could conquer Hampden town!
the greek chorus: this is new england, you’d get shot like deer
Richard, stars in his eyes: Awwwww he said six of us!
Camilla: recites from Aganemnnon
How quiet he sinks now - his soul starts from his mouth:
with one jerked gulp he brings up his own blood,
spatters me dark with the scarlet dew in his breath.
And that dew falls on me as the gods’ spring rains
fall and bless harvest back to the long-parched earth.
Julian: Now, why is this so beautiful?
the greek chorus: cause there’s no mention of the dying king voiding his bowels
Francis: It’s the meter - iambic pentameter.
The Greek Chorus: In a way, the discussion that follows is some pretty hefty foreshadowing. The subject is horrible - a dying man gurgling, choking on blood, spits it out all over his killer - but the way it’s described is poetic and makes the reader enamored with the act of murder.
This is exactly what Tartt does later on.
Five rich, entitled young people have a drug-fueled orgy, trespass, and beat an innocent farmer to death. But call an orgy a bacchanal, and it’s suddenly classy and beautiful.
Henry: Death is the mother of beauty.
The Fans: oooooooooooohhh!
Julian: And what is beauty?
The Fans: OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOHHH!
the greek chorus: this toxic belief is so not gonna backfire
“Are we, in this room, really very different from the Greeks or the Romans? Obsessed with duty, piety, loyalty, sacrifice? All those things which are to modern tastes so chilling?”
I looked around the table at the six faces. To modern tastes they were somewhat chilling. I imagine any other teacher would’ve been on the phone to Psychological Counseling in about five minutes had he heard what Henry said about arming the Greek class and marching into Hampden town.
the greek chorus: richard, you idiot sandwich
Julian: The Romans’ genius and fatal flaw was their obsession with order! The Greeks knew not to deny the irrational! This is why Romans, usually so tolerant of foreign religions, persecuted the Christians mercilessly – how absurd to think a common criminal had risen from the dead, how appalling that his followers celebrated him by drinking his blood. The illogic of it frightened them-
The Greek Chorus: The Romans valued loyalty to the state, which meant practicing the state religion. Local beliefs were okay as long as they didn’t contradict that.
Christians placed their god, monotheistic God, above the emperor. The First Commandment forbids the worship of other gods, and this includes refusing to take part in feasts, to offer incense to the emperor - this was disloyalty to the Empire. Judaism, it seems, got a pass on the same because of the ancient origin of the religion.
Furthermore, the persecution of Christianity was sporadic until Decius’ decree mandating participation in public sacrifices, and even then this edict was not universally obeyed - the Empire was far too large and too diverse. Not to mention, a lot of the accounts of persecution and martyrdom were invented by Christian historians.
Julian is full of it, and a five minute Google search can tell you as much.
Julian: …And that’s why Bacchanals are good fun for the whole family!
Chapter 2, in which Bunny invites Richard to dinner (and then nothing happens)
Judy: So you’re hanging out with those posh guys now?
Judy: I don’t know, they’re bad news. Like, I was at a party, everyone was slam dancing, and this girl was walking across the dance floor for some reason and got mad when I slammed into her. And like I threw a beer at her, it was that kind of night, and this Henry guy and her brother Charles came to yell at me? And my friend Spike saw that and came to defend me, and then Henry and Charles beat Spike to a pulp. Those people are crazy.
Richard, stars in his eyes: Gee whiz, Henry is badass.
Judy: Aren’t you hot in this tweed jacket? Like, here, you can have another one for free if you like it.
Richard: Thanks, it’s a family relic
Bunny: Anyway, why are there so many [slur omitted] working in restaurants? Oh man, I remember when we pulled a dine and dash here, all in good fun, and then Dad took us here for drinks and it’s a good thing he was so soused he didn’t notice the waiter putting it all on his bill.
the greek chorus: boy, it sure is a good thing the cops don’t get called on rich people
Bunny: And Henry’s so damn smart, you know? He was in a bad car accident, had to stay in bed reading all those old books, and now he’s really into it and he speaks seven to eight languages, even reads them hieroglyphics.
Richard: well, Bunny’s kind of an ass but he’s not an ass to me, sounds good
Bunny: Whoops, forgot my wallet.
the greek chorus: the bill is, quote, two hundred and eighty-seven dollars and fifty-nine cents [786 dollars]. without the tip. twenty percent more is about tree fiddy [950 dollars]
Bunny: …I’ll call Henry. He’ll be chuffed to bail us out.
Henry: is not chuffed Bunny freeloads off people all the time.
Richard: wow that’s… imagine doing that haha
Richard: totally not eavesdropping again
Henry: Should I do what is necessary?
Julian: You should only, ever, do what is necessary.
the greek chorus: this will definitely not be taken at face value
“Reading The Great Gatsby. #relatable #billionaire-life”
“Attended a party, mingled with the hoi polloi. Plebs. How I long to be elsewhere.”
Camilla: Come to the country house with us
Richard: totally not freeloading
if the secret history was a movie
Happy times montage. Classical music plays over the country house; it is revealed that Charles, quite drunk but still composed, is playing the piano. Henry and Camilla are in a rowboat together, with Henry monologuing, unheard to the viewers, as she listens with rapt wonder. Bunny is pouring champaigne from a teapot. Occasional moments of foreshadowing in between the happy times - a pot of laurel leaves boiling on the stove, Richard wandering the house in the middle of the night and finding that everyone is gone - and back to happy times, playing cricket, fancy dinners with Julian. Everything looks pretty, classy, and expensive.
Chapter 3, in which Richard is more an idiot than usual
The Five Toffs: leave for the winter holidays
Richard: I need a place to stay. Henry’s place is empty, I could ask my other friends to sublet to me, or split the bills with somebody… Nah, there’s this hippie who lets you live for free in his warehouse. I’m in.
The warehouse: literally has a hole in the roof
The Hippie: It’s all a metaphor, man. The situation is obviously dysfunctional, but Richie boy just assumes that it’s normal and he’s gonna be fine. Deep, man.
Richard: I’m sure I’ll be fine. gets pneumonia
Henry: Good thing I came back early, or you’d be dead.
Richard: Y-you saved my life, man. …Can you please bring me a mag to read?
Henry: …You must be raving. Here, I brought you a Pharmacology Update from the lounge.
the greek chorus: that’s all, really
Chapter 4, in which something finally happens
Bunny: Richard, man, Henry is not who he pretends to be. Be careful.
Richard: You mean, he’s gay? That can’t be right. My gaydar says it’s Francis; Henry’s straight. And I’m not gay, but if I was, Bunny wouldn’t be attractive. I mean, he’s handsome, but he’s rough trade, you know what I mean. Not my type.
Richard: Oh no, I left my book in Henry’s apartment. I’ll have to find it there. …Weird, why does he have a flight to Argentina reserved? And why were the four of them, minus Bunny, absent from classes?
cheesecake in the fridge: please don’t steal me, I’m on financial aid
Bunny: Mm, too lemony but tastes better flavored with tears.
Richard: Haha, screw the poor
Bunny: Man, Henry’s a bit of a Jew. I like him tho.
Bunny: keeps making weird crime-and-punishment jokes before class
Richard: Good old Bunny, such a jester.
The Toffs: tell a weirdly rehearsed story about their absence
Julian: notices absolutely nothing
Henry: Don’t you want to know about our trip to Argentina? By which I mean, I know you snooped.
Richard: Man, why the secrecy? It’s not like you murdered someone.
Henry: The four of us must flee to Argentina. But there’s no way I can get my hands on more than thirty thousand [80,418 dollars]. Francis, you have a trust, right?
Francis: Yeah, I can withdraw one hundred and fifty thousand [402,090] a year. …Bad news, my mum cleared it out.
The Toffs, in unison: What? Do you mean we’d have to live like the poor? Or worse, resort to menial labor? That is inconceivable.
the greek chorus: and they didn’t go to argentina.
Henry: We had but a meager five thousand [13,403 dollars] between us. Anyway, why did you cover up for us?
Henry: So yeah we decided to take drugs, party, and fornicate, like everybody else in this college does. Except we’re rich and smart and we’re calling it a bacchanal, because it’s classier that way.
Henry: Julian knew and approved, by the way, but you’re not gonna learn this until chapter five.
Henry: And Bunny just wasn’t taking our posh rave seriously. I caught him eating when he was supposed to be fasting. Barbarian.
Henry: Anyway, when we all came down from our trip, we were drenched in blood and there was a corpse of a middle-aged middle-class man with his neck broken and his brains splattered and a huge gash in his stomach. And worse, he was wearing an ugly plaid shirt.
Henry: I haven’t been so upset since I hit a deer with my car. Oh, hi, Francis.
Chapter 5, in which we forget about the farmer
Francis: oh no did you just tell him
Richard, still starry-eyed: Why didn’t you call the police?
Henry: Yeah, right. We’re too rich to be judged by poor people.
Francis: It was just an accident, a little harmless fun.
Henry: Imagine being tried for my life by a Vermont circuit-court judge and a jury box full of telephone operators.
Francis: They’d just say that we are a bunch of rich entitled kids who got high and trespassed on private land and tore an innocent man to pieces.
the greek chorus: THAT’S EXACTLY WHAT YOU DID
Henry: If Bunny snitches, we’re dragging him in too. He has no alibi. Can’t prove he wasn’t with us. He saw us dressed in bedsheets and covered in gore and got upset for no reason at all. Dropped a pint of ice-cream on my antique rug. Honestly, that was the last straw.
Henry: I paid for our trip together in Italy to shut him up, but then he found my diary - in which I happened to write a poem about our Bacchanal in iambic pentameter. I didn’t think the rube could even read. I slapped him rather hard, and he took offense to that. And now we have no choice but keep letting him mooch off us!
Francis: It’s a terrible thing, what we did. I mean, this man was not Voltaire we killed. But still. It’s a shame. I feel bad about it.
Henry: But not bad enough to want to go to jail for it.
Francis: snorts No, not that bad.
Henry: So… wanna play cards?
the greek chorus: here comes a turning point in the story. will richard do the moral thing, will he turn his friends in?
the greek chorus: yeah, right
The Toffs: Time for a road trip!
Richard: It’s odd how little power the dead farmer exercised over an imagination as morbid and hysterical as my own. Oh well, nobody cares about poor people.
Julian: In America, the rich man tries to pretend that the poor man is his equal in every respect but money, which is simply not true. A poor man who wishes to rise above his station is only making himself needlessly miserable. And the wise poor have always known this, the same as do the wise rich.
Bunny: You don’t care about a goddamn thing, do you? Not a thing but your own self, you and all the rest of them!
the greek chorus: edmund corcoran, the bigot, the idiot of the group - the only one who cares about the murder
Richard: And now Bunny’s acting like a huge ass to me and to my friends. Gee, that’s no fun at all.
Richard: He’s nagging Charles about him being a drunk, Francis about him being gay, and me about being poor! And Camilla about being a girl, but women are inherently inferior in Greek language, nothing personal. And he’s implying the twins sleep together!
the greek chorus: all of these are true
Henry: I know! I shall poison my traitorous friend with death cap mushrooms mixed in with fun trip mushrooms. The ancient Arabic treatises on poisons must still be relevant.
the greek chorus: textbook high Intelligence low Wisdom
Henry: Richard, my friend, weren’t you in pre-med?
Richard: Uhh I guess, let me just… add the number of mushrooms, carry the one - jeez, that’s some advanced calculus…You know, the concentrations in chemistry are measured in moles, so we have catch a mole first…
Henry: I tested it on two dogs. Sadly, one lived.
Richard: Oh, Henry, you’re such a rascal. First a farmer, now a dog? Anyway, those mushrooms are just too funny-shaped. It’s just too hard.
Henry: Why don’t you weigh - you know what, nevermind, I can see I’m dealing with a genius.
Julian: I’m so concerned for young Edmund! He’s such a lovely and smart boy…
Richard: yeah, right - I mean, bright. Very bright.
Julian: I fear he may be about to convert to Christianity! Not even Catholicism, but something plebian. He keeps asking me about sin and forgiveness - how very… not Greek of him.
Bunny, piss drunk in the middle of the night: Richard, man, I can’t take it, I just have to confess - they killed a man! Tore him to pieces!
Richard: Guys, this is bad, Bunny just told me.
Henry: Welp, got no choice but to kill him. He’s acting so irrational.
Richard: Yeah, and he’s been real racist and bigoted lately -
Charles: I know, right? Why can’t he be more like us and hate on poor, classless people instead?
Henry: re-rolls wisdom We’ll push him into the ravine in the forest he conveniently loves hiking in. Piece of cake.
Judy: Rich, there’s gonna be a big party, come have fun!
Henry: Who’d have known there would be a party? Aside from, I mean, everyone who doesn’t live in their own Greek bubble. Oh well, guess I’ll dig for ferns instead.
Bunny: Hey, guys, whatcha doing?
Henry: Oh, you know… killing time. Now, who wants to see a flying rabbit?