First Entry, Hope You Read it, Spectator.
to the Grand Spectator. i just want someone to read this. i feel lost always i dont want to write this i dont know why i do it doesnt help me it makes me feel worse but i suppose i have to considering i dont know what else to do i feel lost empty i hate myself for saying these things because im trying to give a name to what i feel but the truth is i dont know what i feel i feel blank like i want to have feelings i want to be happy i want to feel something besides this sadness thought sadness isnt the right word either i cant think of one heatlessness? i dont know if its even a word or if it applies to this situation but basically i want someone to love me i want to love someone i dont know if i ever will i always tell myself that im destined to be alone like some grand sad tragedy. where im the hero the one whos fated to be sad for some greater purpose like some eyes of another being watches my sadness and understands me. that makes me feel... fullfiled? though i know im not i know there isnt anyone watching i know theres really no one there watching i suppose its just a need for me to share my sadness with someone, but not a real person? i cant understand it. i guess i just indulge in my own sorrow pretending it isnt real that its all just a big show where im the star. i might be rambling, but i feel like this is the only way to put forth my thoughts. so, grand spectator if youre watching i hope at least you understand because i dont. why am i so fucked up? i want to feel needed not in a general sense but by someone someone i can tell all these things but im afraid i wont be able to. ive alienated myself, i suppose. So, grand spectator. i hope you get this message, and see how pathetic ive made my life for your own sake.