// The Happimess //

Navigating through life, one bad decision at a time. Pseudo philosopher, washed up romantic and always optimistic enough to try. I have no idea what I'm doing here, just like I don't know what I am doing with myself. I read (sometimes) and write (other times) and ponder over the mysteries of life.

[wnq-writers]

My mind is lost, so now I must, go lose myself indeed

abreezyblues (via wnq-writers)

[thehappimess]

To The One That Got Away

My dearest,

I know we aren’t together because of my decisions and in your head, there are no chances of a probable future together. I know your heart is closed to me. It’s something you desperately wished for and at the same time, not. I know you think you weren’t slipping but deep down, you knew you were. You’re trying your best to dislike my presence but somehow, a small part of you just cannot. I know all of it.

But, contrary to what you think and believe, it isn’t true. Thoughts of you still make me blush and coming across your name on my mobile’s screen still makes my heart skip a beat. I do love you. I did from the moment I said it, still do and always will.

Somewhere, we misread each other and things changed. They burnt out, maybe? Personally, I believe that only the outward expression of it burnt out but everything was still the same until a while ago. From a raging fire, it turned into a mild ember; an ember that is always going to stay, waiting to be fanned into a fire again.

It isn’t that I stopped loving you, no. Instead, I was filled up with someone else’s love and I couldn’t help but reciprocate. That’s my Achilles heal, my fatal flaw - I always reciprocate. Yet, all my insecurities about you still thrive; your lack of acknowledgement of my existence still bothers the hell out of me even though I don’t want your attention anymore. It frustrates me, this burning ember of my love.

I notice everything that is happening. I see it in your messages, the rarity of your presence and various other places. But I can’t blame you - I would’ve done the same had I been in your place. I suppose that’s why, if I were you, I wouldn’t believe me too.

I can’t do much except use my words, love. It’s that and my attempts at holding onto you but not crossing any lines while doing so. It’s difficult but I cannot stop trying.

Despite every unanswered text, every rude word, every admonishment, I am still holding on. How can I not? How can I let go of somebody I love? I cannot. You’d know the best about how that feels.

I can feel you push me away, one day at a time. I can feel you trying to stop caring and put me into the box that you’ve labelled ‘could be but never will’. I was afraid this would happen and I desperately didn’t want to end up there but yet, I have. I know I’m different and you were willing to be so too but then, it just went away when I walked away.

I don’t regret my decision. This isn’t my way of trying to get you back. What I do regret is the fact that our lines of communication are quickly deteriorating and it’s messing with our heads among all the other things that mess with us. I had no intentions of causing any pain but inevitably, it has happened.

You weren’t meant to be a missed connection and somewhere really deep down, there is the thinnest sliver of hope - a hope that in my years to come, we cross paths again and walk together. As ridiculous as it appears to be, every word of it is true.

Look at you, man. You’ve made me rhyme, made me hope, made me think of doing some very reckless and impossible things and now, you’ve made me into a hopelessly romantic fool.

I guess after everything that has transpired between us, my words still hold true: no matter where I am, I will always love you. You best believe that little one for in the matters of the heart, a writer never lies.

With all the love there ever was, Yours truly.

[thehappimess]

Poster Girl

I’ve barely lived any years in this world but I already know a couple of things; things that do not complement my age or my nature. If you asked me and I told you, you’d wonder if I am insane and honestly, sometimes, I wonder that too. Maybe it’s the premature life interpretation or maybe it’s barely the wine. Who knows? But more importantly, what do I know?  I know the woman I am turning into, slowly but surely. I am the one who will be sitting on the floor of the balcony on a Friday night after a hard day of white collar work, a bottle of red that is half empty accompanying me. I’d be sitting alone, looking out onto the street and probably talking to one of my girlies. No, I wouldn’t have a man next to me, no matter how hard I try or want or need. I know that when I go to sleep, the loneliness will envelope me. I will be the woman they didn’t want to fall for because they never really knew if they could be happy with me.

I won’t be anyone’s first thought or last breath. I belong in the category of those women who come into your life when the time is right, build you up and quietly (or not) leave. They won’t talk about me with the fire of their souls, faint blushes and involuntary smiles; on the contrary, they talk to me about those who make them feel that way. No, I am no one’s first love nor am I anyone’s dream partner. I am that girl who is good for the time being, the not-so-mysterious mystery. I am the one whose friendship they love too much to let it be destroyed by other possibilities, too close and too dear. I am the one they see themselves happy with but ask them again and maybe, they wouldn’t be so sure. I am the choice of drug for consumption; a “trip” they enjoy too much but not quite enough to handle for the rest of their godforsaken lives. I am the casual lover because they couldn’t handle the intensity but couldn’t deny themselves the pleasure.  I am their advisor, their agony aunt, their source of comfort. But I am I anything more? Boy oh boy, I wish but no.

I am the one who they remember if you ask them about their missed connections; that girl they could’ve and should’ve been with but things never really fell into place. They remember me fondly ofcourse; I made them smile after all. If they were to meet me again by coincidence, because there is no other way, they’d smile and say the same old things, reminisce and never figure out why things faded away. I could go on and on but I suppose by now, you know if you are this person or not.

I am the one who almost had it all but lost everything, time and again. I am your poster girl for missed connections, of what should have and could have been.

[thehappimess]

Late Night Scribblings - 3

What an amusing thing the mind is; it creates, innovates, analyses, evolves and absorbs so much. Yet, it’s so easily influenced, so malleable. Say the right words, do the right things, press on the correct buttons and voila! You’ve impacted another individual with your presence. How utterly fickle, this mind of ours.

It’s ever-seeking and ever-evolving and just like all things that are ever-evolving, it has it’s pros and cons, which are also evolving. Gosh. So much evolution and yet, we’re the species that has Donald Trump.

Consciousness and conscious thought trying to study itself and understand itself; well who would’ve thunk it. Then again, the other critters don’t actually think. I mean come on, do you really think your pet (a non-existent one in my case) really thinks to itself about its purpose here on earth? God, no. It wouldn’t be as carefree if it did and we don’t need depressing dogs and cats. We have enough depressed (and depressing) human beings.

I think the point I’m trying to make is that the human mind is a brilliant thing that’s highly underrated. It’s capable of so many things and yet, no one thinks about it. It’s the sharpest weapon we have but we don’t care about it. More than that, the human mind is powerless and yet, it is powerful.

Our mind, it’s powerless. You control somebody’s mind and you can control their life. Make yourself a part of someone’s life and affect their mind to an extent where they can’t do anything but obey your wishes. As sinister as that sounds, people indulge in it under the facade of love. And darling, love is nothing but a very complex amalgamation of thought patterns and biochemistry, all controlled by the responses and process of our lovely little machine called mind.

Yet, as powerless as it seems, it’s surprisingly powerful too. Tweak your thought patterns and next thing you know, you’re putting yourself back together and focusing on things that matter. Your mind can pull you out of the worst possible scenarios as well as put you in the best and not only that, it can do the same for others. If you think it, there is already a ripple of change in the infinite lake of your mind. When they say that thoughts are powerful, they aren’t wrong because if it wasn’t the power of our thought, we, as human beings, wouldn’t be where we are now. I wouldn’t be typing this and you wouldn’t be reading this.

The structure of our mind, according to Freud, is like an iceberg. The conscious is accessible and utilised, like the top of the iceberg. The subconscious can be tapped into and made use of but its not entirely accessible, just like the part of the iceberg that’s under the surface. The unconscious is far below, away from the physical realm but constantly being affected by it, like the bottom of the seemingly endless iceberg.

We, we’ve just scratched the surface of understanding our mind. The mind was, is and will always remain a mystery that cannot be entirely solved and yet, the mind itself tries to decipher its roots. Now that, my dear, is what I call awesome.

[thehappimess]

Late Night Scribblings - 2

It’s funny how all the good things in life, no matter how big or small, come to an end. It’s an unwritten rule, isn’t it? And good things that tend to stay for longer times, they’re those that do not involve other people. Maybe that’s how things are meant to be, to find happiness without the help of anybody. It’s poetic and a fantastic way to live; to be independent of anybody for your own happiness. But the thing is, we are all human and no matter how much solace and joy we find in these things, it can never top the happiness one finds in another person’s love and acceptance and unless you are really and truly lucky, someone’s love and acceptance is probably not the kind that you want or imagined.

For some, you are a replacement, for others, you’re a reminder. Some love you because they believe it is human nature, an inevitable thing,  and others love because they want to get over that special one that they found and lost. Some give love because they can’t stand being with themselves and they deal with it by thinking that if they give love, they’ll get love. Ofcourse, what’s the point in that if you can’t give yourself any love? And there are some who love because they can’t get out of the feeling. For them, being in love is their drug and that’s a high they want to be in, permanently. So if one partner goes, they’ll find another one to invest themselves in, to love. But it isn’t love; just an illusion of it. Atleast with all these kind of loves, you know you can disillusion yourself by saying that maybe, just maybe, it will last long enough. But God save you if you’re a muse because you know for a fact that when the person musing about you finds another one, you will be replaced and discarded. There is a sense of certainty in the impermanence of being a muse. Yes, you will be immortalised in their works but would the love for you be immortal? No.

Surely, the love transforms with time. It starts off with these things and changes into the actual form of love that a person deserves. But it’s depressing when you realise that it wasn’t always that way since the start but a recent phenomenon. Now, I am not saying that every individual loves this way. Somewhere down the road, you might just actually find somebody who will love you for who you are, see you as an actual person and not a coping mechanism or an inevitable truth of life, but the chances of coming across such a person is dwindling, especially with the way things are running nowadays. It seems that nowadays, everybody is broken or hurt, their hearts battered and bruised and preoccupied by people or the thoughts of people who aren’t a part of their lives anymore. Their hearts are filled to the brim;  there isn’t a place for anyone else and the ability to see somebody else as another person who is investing their emotions in them is lost.  It’s terribly sad and terrifying to a certain extent, realising that most of the love in this world starts out with selfishness at its base even though love is one of the most selfless emotions that human beings experience. Despite such realisations, it’s a human tendency to hope that with every new person, things will be different. So it’s a cycle of self-torture that never really ends (especially for people who wear their hearts on their sleeves). But I think this is what makes us human, the emotions that we feel, the hope that we have and the perseverance of our hearts despite being ripped to shreds. No where on this earth you will see any species reconcile faster than we do. You would never see any other creature go back to another after the latter has grievously injured the former. 

We’ve been set apart, a boon and a bane rolled into one.

[thehappimess]

Late Night Scribblings - 1

There are very rare times (if you're on the optimistic side like I am; often if otherwise) when the first thing that comes to your mind after you wake up is the thought of why did you even wake up in the first place. You'd rather spend your time sleeping or in a mini-coma than be awake and deal with people and thoughts. It's exhausting, to be the way one becomes when sucked into the state of melancholy. What really bothers me is that it's not only melancholy and it's varying shades but all the other emotions that accompany it as well: self loathing, self depreciation, anger, anti social feelings, irritation, etc. More than sadness, it's these things that bother you and drain you of all mental energy. In my case, mood instability creeps in as well, which makes things worse because you force yourself to be happy and peppy while you know you feel like complete and utter shit. But in a bid to distract oneself from the uninvited guests of melancholy, one is willing to do anything, even if it is forcing yourself to smile and amuse your friends. As much as happiness and optimism are a personal choice, the path to it is never easy. It gets painful, more often than not and times like these, you either tread on or give in and there's only so long before a dilapidated mind can tread on. I suppose the question I should ask myself is how long am I going to tread on? Or will I even bother to after tonight?

[rachsketches]

[thehappimess]

How I'd like to spend my days.

[thehappimess]

A Love Letter to Mr. Nobody

“You’re like a wave Washing over me Pulling me underneath Sinking Slowly”

- Drift by Alina Baraz & Galimatias

I love you. I think I do. I’ve never met you, felt you, seen you in front of me, living and breathing, but somehow, I love you. I don’t know if you exist but I love you. I know nothing about you yet I love you. All I know is that when you’re sad, I’m unsettled and when you’re happy, I feel content. All I know is that I feel something inside of me, something intense and that this thing inside of me, it moves at the sight and sound of you.

I know that if I’d ever hear you cry, I would weep with you. I know I have no reason to feel this way because inside, you can never be mine but somehow, I know you’re out there and I do feel this and I feel it so deeply that it scares me. You’ve stirred something inside of me.

Maybe this feeling is here because of the loneliness that haunts me. Maybe I’ve created you, breathed life into you because the loneliness is unbearable. The loneliness inside eats away at my soul and as much as I’d like to think I’m complete and sufficient, I know I am not. Is this why I feel what I feel? I don’t know. I don’t know at all, to be honest. I suppose it’s both but honestly, a small voice tells me that it isn’t the loneliness, it’s you that I'm looking for.

You’re my winter sun on a cold December morning. You’re the sea breeze that calms my mind, the warm hug after a terrible day, the silly joke that makes me giggle and the beautiful person that leaves me speechless. You, in your very essence, are love.

I love you. I think I do. Mr. Nobody I love you.

[thehappimess]

A never-ending love affair with paper and ink. ❤️

[heartbreakhur]

[thehappimess]

The Ultimate Escape - A really short short.

Someone said that books were my way of escaping the world, something for me to hide behind because I was too scared to face the world. It’s right. I don’t deny it except the latter part. That, that is what is wrong.

I am not scared to face the world but instead, I want to know it better. I expand my mind through reading and experience a new author’s perspective on the world around and the art of writing every time I read a new book. It exposes me to the methods of how 26 alphabets can be manipulated to convey an idea that a person, 1 person in the crowd of  7.125 billion people, had. It makes me respect people who I will never meet, appreciate those who I shall never speak to and learn from those who never intended to teach. Reading books allows me to grow and face the world in a manner that isn’t conventional.

Reading makes me grow, travel, learn, feel and sets me free, all at the same time. It is the ultimate escape.

[wnq-writers]

It takes a lot to be kind. You were fed a lot of fairy tales and fables growing up only to realise they don’t apply in real life. You try to be good, yet bad things still happen. Some days, you walk around with your insides feeling dead cold and the last thing you want to do is smile. But nobody ever said it was going to be easy. It takes extreme courage and strength and effort to be compassionate. It makes you vulnerable, and the worst thing is you might not even get rewarded for it. It is never easy. So if today you were kind even though you felt torn up on the inside, you are wonderful and you deserve to be celebrated.

Sylvia, Unsung Bravery (via wnq-writers)

[dogdude420-deactivated20140914]

[dogdude420-deactivated20140914]

this is my favorite picture of me i will not give up until this reaches one million notes and i have won tumblr

[kushandwizdom]

If we never vibed on a level where we continuously had deep and meaningful conversations, I simply didn’t trust you enough to be comfortable and fuck with you like that. A deep conversation is a form of intimacy and I can’t be intimate with just anybody.

MR (via kushandwizdom)

[thehappimess]

Ain’t that the truth.

[writingquotes-deactivated201509]

The only way to do it is to do it: by writing, writing, writing.

Barbara Michaels (via writingquotes)