The Heather Haney Awards

I started these awards to capture the categories left off of the official Helen Hayes Awards roster. The beauty of this list is that it doesn’t end – please keep adding your own suggestions!

[notoriousrbg]

[theheatherhaneyawards]

I love RBG

[rejectedprincesses]

Next in the line of rejected princesses: Sita, from the Ramayana.

For those unfamiliar with the Ramayana, you should seriously read it, it’s incredible, but here’s a cliffs notes version: for 90% of the book, it’s basically Mario/Princess/Bowser by way of Tarantino. Bad guy (Ravana) kidnaps princess (Sita), good guy (Rama) goes on bloody rampage for years in order to get her back. Kills Ravana, gets back the princess, yay for everyone.

But then there’s that last 10% of the book.

About 5 pages after they get back, cut to Rama talking to his advisors. 

"Advisors," he says, "what are the people saying about me?" 

"Oh man, Rama, they totally love you. Way to rock it with killing that demon guy." 

"Wait, EVERYONE loves me? No way. There’s gotta be SOMEONE who’s not on board." 

"Well, I mean, there’s some knucklehead…" 

"Well, what’s the knucklehead saying?" 

"He’s saying that Sita totally hooked up with the bad guy, but, I mean, he’s a knucklehead." 

"Wait, what? People are saying that? Oh crap. Hey Sita! Baby, I’m sorry, I can’t be seen with you. Some guy is saying you hooked up with Ravana. Now, I know you’ve passed like, my hundred other purity tests, but still. You should go live in the forest for the rest of your life."

She then goes into exile - pregnant with their kids.

Cut to many years later, Rama’s having a festival, and some awesome guys show up. They wow everyone, and Rama’s like, “oh hey, who are YOU guys? You’re awesome!” They’re like, “SURPRISE! We’re your kids! Also, Sita’s alive and in the forest.”

Rama: “Oh snap! Yeah, that whole thing with Sita was totally my bad. Hey, can we get her in here? I got some smoothing over to do.”

Sita shows up, and is like, “no, guys, it’s cool! Hey, I’ll settle this once and for all. Everyone listening? Okay, so if I did NOT hook up with the demon guy, may the earth swallow me whole.”

Bam, lava, the end.

Now, that’s the overview, but if you go in depth, there’s more at play here:

In some versions, Sita was Ravana’s daughter in a previous life, and was reincarnated as Sita in part to help purge him of evil (he was a pretty nasty dude).

While Sita is generally described as the world’s most beautiful human, she was actually fairly supernatural — her birth basically involved her springing up out of the ground, with her later brought up as a princess. Thus when she jumps into the ground at the end, it’s kind of a return to her roots (no pun intended). She was also a reincarnation of Lakshmi, the goddess of beauty/wealth/love, while Rama was a reincarnation of Vishnu.

Even all that taken into account, I still hold my reading of “I’d rather jump into a pit of lava than be with you” is a valid one. Your mileage may vary.

Ravana’s kidnapping plot all began when Ravana’s sister, a demon named Shurpankha, hit on Rama’s brother — who promptly cut off her nose in return (come on dude, you could have just said “no.”).  Shurpankha then tells Ravana, who first swears revenge. She goes on to tell him about Sita and how attractive she is, and Ravana gets ideas. Gross ideas.

…and it goes on. The version of the Ramayana that I read was around 600 pages long, so there’s a lot in there. Seriously, read it, it is utterly metal. Characters turn it from night to day by piercing the sky with arrows, one of the bad guys has a chariot pulled by snakes, and a monkey leaps across the Indian subcontinent while carrying a mountain on its back. In parts it reads like a Hindu Dragon Ball Z. What more could you want?

[thanks to Varun Rama and Shubha Ashok for holding my feet to the flame and insisting I don’t gloss over the details!]

If you’d like to see an animated version of Sita’s life, you’re in luck — there is an independent short movie called Sita Sings the Blues that is available to watch for FREE online. You should go check it out, it’s pretty great. [thanks to the 10,000 people who emailed to remind me of this] Art notes:

That’s Rama in the back, doing his best “what I’d do, baby?” face.

Sita is doing a traditional Bollywood-style pose, except her upper hand is flicking Rama off.

The palace architecture is loosely based off of designs from some Indian palaces, but to be honest, I am not satisfied with it.

[theheatherhaneyawards]

Hahaha amazing

[theheatherhaneyawards]

The Costume Ninja Award

A great costume designer can create an entire world and knows your character as well as you do. Sometimes, they even know your character BEFORE you do ...

One minute you're at a 10 out of 12, the next ...

                                                 BAM! SEQUIN ANCHOR!

               or SHAZAM! ZOMBIES!

or even KERPLOINK! AN UNDERWORLD KINGDOM!

And you didn't even see it happen.

Oh that designer is good. Stealthy - you never even see her coming. She may not always get recognized for her outstanding work, but it's always unexpected and wonderfully story-telling. Is that an adjective? It is NOW.

The Costume Ninja Award goes to the fantastic Deb Sivigny. Give her a hug ... if you can catch her!

[theheatherhaneyawards]

The Good On Ya Award

We* here at the Heather Haney Awards have remained silent on the debate surrounding a potential restructuring of the OTHER HHAs, the Helen Hayes Awards. Truly, we* felt that there was a potential conflict of interest, as we* are a competitor - a fellow awards-giving and initial-bearing institution. We* certainly followed the debate, but really were unable to participate in the discussion for fear of angry mobs crying "conflict of interest!" and "Vive la France!"

No one wants to end up like this guy.

Last night, however, theatrewashington unveiled its new Helen Hayes Awards platform and all we* can say here at the Heather Haney Awards is:

theatrewashington has been involving the DC theatre community on this project for years now and the awards, while not perfect, reflect an on-going conversation with the theatre community.

You think those Swedes ask the scientific and peace-loving communities about their Nobel Prize award structure?**

Well, theatrewashington DID and I think they will continue to be an organization that works with our community. For that, they get a Haney! 

Congratulations, theatrewashington - you just won the Good on Ya Award!

*I may or may not be using the Royal We. 

**They may do that. I'm not really sure.

[theheatherhaneyawards]

Superhero SM: The Soothing Beaminator

Our first superhero bestows an all-encompassing sense of calm and order as well as bottles of delicious delicious whiskey on the deserving.

She is Maribeth Chaprnka, currently steering the Stupid F-ing Bird ship at Woolly Mammoth Theatre Company.

Don't you feel calmer already?

[theheatherhaneyawards]

Superhero SMs

Good lord - where would we theatre people be without stage management?! They cue us, they help us with our lines & blocking, they mediate between egos ... they even dress us sometimes! Stage management is what makes theatre possible ... well, that and an audience. 

I'd like to start a series on amazing SMs! Send me your nominee, a pic of this person and why he/she is a superhero. ASMs are absolutely included in this!

In the meantime, enjoy this epic SM drunken outburst from Slings and Arrows!

[theheatherhaneyawards]

For some reason, my gif of 'ow are 'ou didn't show up in the last post.  Weeeeeird.

[theheatherhaneyawards]

The Hercules Higgins Award

Acting is a pretty physical activity, requiring a lot of different parts to move and function at the same time. Sometimes it's a herculean effort ... sometimes it requires the linguistic dexterity of 'enry 'iggins. 

Our Hercules Higgins Award goes to our very own Kimberly Gilbert, for two feats that go above and beyond the normal requirements of an actor. 

Mega Super Quick Change ... ON A REVOLVE!

The Religion Thing, Theater J

... and ...

She Spoke in a Made-Up Language!

You for Me for You, Woolly Mammoth Theatre Company

We salute you!

[theheatherhaneyawards]

The But … But … I don’t WANT to like Mamet! Award

Ever since I saw a painful production of American Buffalo years ago, I've been completely off Mamet. I've happily lived a Mamet-free lifestyle. This worked out well for me as I became more sensitive to his other work, writing and, ahem, political views.

But damn it, two productions made me rethink my aversion. I still dislike him as a person, but Theater J and Round House Theatre made me respect the playwright who can create such musical dialogue.

RACE at Theater J (running through March 17th)

GLENGARRY GLEN ROSS at Round House Theatre (You missed it - it just closed!)

These productions were practically opera: the language rose and fell, weaving a strange spell where you found these people fascinating and ultimately inspiring. No one is perfect, yet you know and understand every single character.

Damn it. Do I have to say that I like Mamet now?

[theheatherhaneyawards]

Outstanding Punnery Award

Pun (/pən/), Noun:

1) a joke exploiting the different possible meanings of a word or the fact that there are words that sound alike but have different meanings;

2) a disciplinary device utilized by dads for decades on unruly children, particularly during long car rides or social gatherings. (Oh, is this one just me?)

When it's done well (and not as a form of torture), a pun can make you smile or groan. When done extremely well, it gets a Heather Haney Award for Outstanding Punnery!

Now, as Jessica Lefkow noted on the Book o' Face, we happen to have a Tie-reseus!

(It'll make sense - keep reading.)

Our first winner of the Outstanding Punnery Award goes to WSC AvantBard for it's social media marketing campaign for The Bacchae.

"Rock Out with your Bacch' Out!" (wah waaaah)

Bacchus with his Bacch' out and rocking. As in the chorus, people. Sheesh!

Our second winner of the Outstanding Punnery Award goes to Peter Marks and the Washington Post for its review of We, Tiresias at Forum Theatre.

"'We, Tiresius': Try not to myth it." (grooooan)

Thuper! We thall be thure to cath it!

Well done, you wacky punsters!

[theheatherhaneyawards]

The Magnificent Wedgie Award

I was very sad to discover that this moment from Forum Theatre's The Language Archive was not captured in film, but I can assure you that it was GLORIOUS nonetheless. 

There were no words. Just tears ... of joy. Also, I'm pretty sure that Kerri Rambow is one tough lady. I would not try to take her lunch money, if I were you.

[theheatherhaneyawards]

The Magnificent Foppery Award

Wigs! Fans! Beauty Marks! Oh MY!

The Magnificent Foppery Award goes to The Gaming Table at Folger Theatre.

Jessica Ford made some fine-looking people look even finer. Well done all!

[fedward]

I’ve got your grumpy cat right here.

[theheatherhaneyawards]

We may have to have a Grump Off.

[theheatherhaneyawards]

The Adorable Curmudgeon Award

We all love a good curmudgeon, don't we: Archie Bunker, Grumpy the Dwarf, Oscar the Grouch? Deep down, we all know that they really just need a hug or smelly pile of garbage; and after a while, their grousing just becomes hilarious. We have several curmudgeons in our theatre community, but one stands out for being so grouchy that you can't help pinching his cheeks.

The Adorable Curmudgeon Award goes to Eric Messner!

"Why are you laughing when there is so much misery in the world??"

I mean, look at that face. Can you really take his crabbiness seriously?

"I mean it, guys! Oh damn it all."

hahahah aw how cute!

[theheatherhaneyawards]

The Back off NYC - She's OURS! Award

This award goes to that juggernaut of creativity, Natsu Oonda Power. She's  a talented director, adapter, writer, designer and all around impresario of the stage, in addition to being an Assistant Professor at Georgetown University.

And she's ours, NYC. You hear that? You can't have her. She's one of the many people who make DC theatre great.

[theheatherhaneyawards]

Keep those suggestions rolling in!

I'm getting some great suggestions and ideas for awards! Keep sending them! Just remember to keep the tone silly and not evil.

(Disclaimer: Your ideas may or may not be implemented to defeat Nazis.)

UPDATE: I've changed the title of this post because the previous title of "Keep 'em coming" flagged this tumblr as porn according to some firewalls. hahahahahahahaha

[theheatherhaneyawards]

How I feel right now with it not only being the holiday season but also potentially the end of the world.