This seems pointless compared to the above statement, but I'm getting to that.
I'm really sorry for my inactivity, as you all know, real life takes precident, and real like has been kicking my ass.
I've been reforming my priorities and I'm trying to do all I can to move up at work, and get to a point where I can move to another state and start the next chapter of my life...
Today, one chapter is ending.
A two year chapter that has given me many laughs, smiles, and tears. This chapter has taught me a major lesson, and while I have enjoyed it, it is time to move one.
I have been with this guy for over two years now, but unfortunately it's time to draw a close to this relationship and move on with life. It has been a long time coming, and I love him, but it's best for both of us. I have my priorities figured out and I'm not even 21, and he does not have his own figured out and he is about to be 26. He is an amazing person, and he has done so much for me, including helping me out of a dark time, giving me so much love, taking such good care of me, and I have done my best to return all that he is done, but he has done such much that it is impossible for me to.
He is my best friend, and it is going to suck to lose him, possible forever, we have so many cats together, and we've spent the last two years so far up each other's asses that it's almost impossible to think of it any other way. The past several months, probably 6, have been the roughest, and more recently we have drifted apart, so far that I don't even feel that I am in a relationship anymore. I just pray that he will not be angry with me, I pray he wants this, just as I do, and just hasn't said anything (because I get the feeling he does). I pray that we will still be civil, and in time, even best friend again, I pray that he does not hate me and touroughly understand my reasons, and the day that he opens his eyes, be it today or two or three years from now, and sees that it was best for us both (if he doesn't agree now, that is) will be a day I am overcome with joy.
I feel that he is not happy, and I'm not really either, and I don't want to smother him and hold him back like I've been doing for the past two years. It's time to let go-It's time to move on. I'm done coasting aimlessly in life, and if wants to continue, who am I to stop him, but I need to move forward...I need to get out of this and in to something better, into freedom and life and friendship and success, and I can't if we're holding each other back.
If he is utterly shocked, and turns hurtful and angry, I pray that he takes it as a lesson-He loved me so much at first, but what happened? I am tired of feeling single, without the freedom and independance of being single, and even in this distance he has not made effort to bring us closer...
Maybe one day our paths will cross again, though I don't think they will..
I just hope that I can keep my friend, because that's all I wanted him to be anyway-He screwed it up, he hurt me into thinking that it's what I wanted, and it was, for a while, I wanted nothing but what we had and so much more, with each other, but now it's gone for the both of us, and if there is no goal between the two of us, there can be no future in which we are tied to one another.
You are my best friend Sean, you've seen so many things that others have not, experienced so many things that others have not, and yet, I've kept my biggest secrets from you all this time-Because I never felt I could tell you certain things...
The more I type, the more it justifies that my decision is the right one, but it still hurts.
I don't want to hurt him, and I hate to throw away two (mostly amazing) years, but it's time to put sentiment aside and do what's best for us as people, and no 'us'.