Trauma Driven Ramblings

[theholeinherheart]

Arguing with a person who doesn’t listen used to make me so angry it would literally raise my core body temperature. The anger would fester and sometimes I could feel it literally searing my insides.

I feel silly this morning as I realize it’s actually quite convenient. When you’re arguing with someone who doesn’t listen, especially by text, all you have to do is copy/paste/send, copy/paste/send, copy/paste/send.

You save an insurmountable time bickering. It’s bickering with zero effort. Effortless arguing. I love timesavers.

Is this me, growing?

[theholeinherheart]

I was cornered into a trip I didn’t want to take Saturday. (The 1 I said I was too exhausted to take, warned that too much had already been spent, but that got booked anyway & I was told multiple times was “non-refundable.”)

Immediately upon retrieval, I was dragged through pointless & repetitive/obsessive discussions over shit that’d already been discussed, ad nauseum. (Knew that would happen) So, I tried to just sleep. The day went without incident, thanks to a friend coming out & acting as a buffer, which wasn’t his intent, but still helped.

I intended to sleep in a room alone but fell asleep too quickly due to anxiety medication. The dreams set it. Even sitting & thinking of it now - it’s strange to me the way they occur in real-time. In real relevance.

I woke to the chatter of people I didn’t know. I stumbled into the living room of our AirBNB to find the host, with 2 people who were unknown to me. They carried on as if I hadn’t just been jostled awake and wasn’t currently standing and staring at them, mouth agape. It was as if they didn’t see me.

She seated the 2 strangers & exited, to return with 3 more people, who chattered just as the first without taking any notice or mind of me. These people looked through the rooms and took their time surveying closet contents.

While I marveled at what the hell was happening here, the host had left and returned with 5 more people. Two of them seated themselves on the balcony and the other 3 rifled through the rooms, including some of my things.

I felt myself becoming faint as the buzzing of the conversations grew to a maddening, disorienting volume and as 7 more people entered the condo we’d rented.

Then I found myself back in the place I’d dozed off, with my space being rudely invaded against my request (also expected this); so I just gave up on sleep, got up, used the restroom and took myself to the freezing balcony with my blanket so I could enjoy some space.

Of course, the drive home went as usual. The longest possible route was taken...I suspect in order to hold me hostage as long as possible & when I rose from feigned sleep to point out that we should take the HIGHWAY, obviously, I was plunged into another distasteful, repetitive, obsessive discussion over shit that’d already been discussed, ad nauseum. (Knew that would happen)

I suspect b/c I gave in to the guilt, this will become a regular thing when I need space to re-center myself. I suspect plans that would usually appeal to me will be made without my knowledge, then a guilt trip will be instilled to try to back me into another corner & go. My kindness will be taken as “bending to his will” & this pattern will become a new & most unfortunate one.

[theholeinherheart]

I slept better than I have in weeks after fleeing another violent, screaming, frothing-at-the-mouth man. 🚩#1.

And, the dreams didn’t plague me. Last night validated my belief in myself & my trust in my gut. Things were thrown. 🚩#2.

There was yelling. 🚩#3.

Physical obstruction. 🚩#4.

I had to call 911. 🚩#5

(Hats off to them. I hung up when I was mercifully allowed to back away from the danger; but they called me right back to make sure I was ok.)

I keep attracting these irreparably broken, violent & obsessive men. There must be something my body or behavior emits that attracts them to me (or perhaps me to them). I think this is the root of the problem. Until I figure out what invisible beacon blazes from my chest to the skies-I’m doomed to repeat this cycle.

I’m proud of myself for remaining absolutely calm, not returning any of that shit energy. I took it all in (undeservingly) & have thought on it, heavily.

My conclusion is that it’s everything I don’t want, wrapped in a package that obsessively tries to convince me I don’t see what I’m seeing. 🚩#6

A person who obsessively tries to force/demand me to believe they aren’t obsessed & unhinged (weirdly enough). 🚩#7

Those tricks just don’t work on me anymore. When people show me who they are - I believe them.

I’m going to have to figure out how to democratically back away from an insane, obsessive person who quite literally insanely & obsessively insists they aren’t insane or obsessive.....and hand to God - they do not see the irony in this. 🚩#8

The entire situation last night would have never occurred if I’d been listened to right away.

I wasn't. So, I removed myself. Sadly, instead of simply being left to my own devices, I was followed. 🚩#9.

Again, I asked: Leave me alone, please.

The response I met was enduring 20 minutes of pleading & demands (as if anyone who didn’t create me has the right). 🚩#10.

I repeated my request & it was repeatedly ignored. 🚩#11.

I then stated the 2 remaining choices: I am left alone (or) I leave. I was not left alone.....however, mind-numbingly, the choice left was still somehow presented as “shocking” by the chooser. 🚩#12

I’ve never been able to understand why men steadfastly refuse to believe or accept that when I make a statement; that statement is followed by action. I’ve never been a game player. If I offer 2 choices & 1 choice is made, my action follows the remaining choice, accordingly. I do what I say, 100% of the time.

Despite leaving, as that was the choice made, Despite my original requests:

Stop.

Leave me alone.

I have 15 missed calls on my phone. 🚩#13.

8 unanswered text messages. 🚩#14

I responded this morning with yet another request to

Just.

Stop.

To which I received 7 more text messages. 🚩#15

To the normal, average functioning brain, this is unfathomable. There are actual human beings out there who think that “stopping” & “getting yourself back in check” & “leaving me alone” is defined by 15 phone calls & 15 text messages.... all asserting, shockingly, that this is them “stopping.” That “they were just asking* for a favor” (*Yelling). Completely overlooking that all this started by me “asking for a favor” that was declined. 🚩#16

Then I asked a second “favor” after removing myself. It was also declined. Numerous times. 🚩#17.

But, in typical fashion, I’m supposed to immediately rewind & be understanding that I should do the favors being yelled at me over & over & over & over & over & over, because that’s how it’s supposed to work, right? The woman’s requests are ignored & the man’s request is granted despite that, because I’m just misunderstanding a very clear situation. I just don’t live in that world anymore.

I’m told “I’m the only release to work stress” (🚩#18) & the irony, again, chokes me. A whole, complete person doesn’t rely on other people to fix their problems. I was relied upon to do the fixing until there wasn’t a shred of life left in my soul. And now, here I sit. Feeling reminiscent as hell. 🚩#19

Again, I have someone trying to make ME feel like a spendthrift after my saying early on - “Hey, we just did vacation. I’m exhausted. You could just save the money.” But - I was not heard or respected. 🚩#20

I wanted to rest. I had no interest in spending. Still over & over & over & over (unwaveringly obsessive behavior) it’s repeated: Non-refundable. Non-refundable. Non-refundable. Non-refundable. (Definition: guilt trip. guilt trip. guilt trip.) 🚩#21

I may feel guilty if it were my idea. I might feel bad if I hadn’t warned I’m too tired. I’d possibly feel shitty if I hadn’t reminded the spender we’d just spent (likely) too much. I may have felt troubled had I not contributed my rent payment (which isn’t a lot compared to the amount spent; but IS a lot to me). Yet again, in classic fashion, my pleas were ignored. So, also in typical fashion - I feel nothing. I don’t feel guilt because I did the right thing. I don’t feel guilt because that would be feeling something.

I have to escape this.

This will never, ever stop. And, I’ve known that for quite some time. 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩

I have to escape this.

Run, Red. Run.

[theholeinherheart]

It’s difficult when the people around you are obviously requesting some sort of comfort, yet acting like they aren’t (which I see as pathetic); but they know you’re dead inside & have nothing to offer.

It’s also shockingly overwhelming when the same person (who you did not birth) is constantly looking to you for everything they need, emotionally. Worse, confusing if that person is around you all the time, is well-versed in your condition, but continues to press heavily on you, knowing full well it’s the opposite of what you need.

[theholeinherheart]

Today he asked for help. STILL asking for help. After 8 months. After everything. I want to SCREAM:

ASK YOUR SWINGER, JIZZJAR OF A NEW G/F FOR HELP!!!!!!!!! Oh, right. She’s likely only good at/for 1 thing & being a solid, contributing member to your life isn’t it.

But what would that solve? What would that do? Would it reset time & give me back the life I deserve? Would I want my real life back knowing I’d have to walk through it with my eyes firmly clenched, knowing deviant shit was going on I couldn’t control & didn’t deserve, knowing I’d be risking my health every single day, knowing how many ppl were worrying about me?

I don’t have the answer to that, despite the answer seeming obvious. That’s how much I miss my lifestyle. My life partner? No. Not at all. But the lifestyle? I can’t even think of it without my guts churning.

The saddest part is: My knee jerk reaction is to help. I have to force myself not to. He chose his help. It’s not my problem she’s no help at all.

[theholeinherheart]

Last night the dreams continued. I fell asleep & woke up upright & in the kitchen at my grandmother’s house with my siblings. I inhaled the sugar of something sweet baking in the oven & the chatter of my siblings immediately warmed my entire body. I smiled & leaned on the counter. Then, as if my leaning had depressed some sort of bizarro button, the house lifted a foot on the South side & crashed back onto the earth. Before any of us could react, the North side of the house lifted a foot & immediately dropped back into its foundation….

We stood firm on noodley legs but before we had the chance to process these quakes, the house began to slide slowly West. Mouths open, yet silent-we stood petrified, listening to the house groan, gravelly & slow in protest & waited for it to stop. And, it did; halfway off its foundation & in the middle of the alley that runs beside it. We ran outside to survey the damage but despite the new resting place, there was none….

[theholeinherheart]

Also -

The dreams have come back. They’re visions of getting ejected from my home, causing my mother displacement & embarrassment, meeting devout disdain from my father (which for me, is a special level of utter torture & hell);

images of desperately needing to scream but being unable to do so through a mouth silenced by a large piece of plastic that’s also slowly smothering me….

But that’s a story for another day…

[theholeinherheart]

Usually when a person with severe relationship PTSD explains the trauma based baggage they carry; people either understand & adjust - or go their own way.

I’m dealing (poorly) with cyclical false claims to understand/adjust; peppered with immediate persecution for inadvertent, trauma-driven behavior. It’s retarding my healing instead of assisting it.

This will not end well & likely sooner than later.

[theholeinherheart]

It’s a very strange feeling going from the girl who literally never cries to being the girl who’s so emotional she breaks tf down b/c my dad came in my house unexpectedly today & secretly left me a homegrown tomato (my favorite…)

[theholeinherheart]

Turns out having your heart shattered is really motivating. I decided to help my sister paint too.