Baconism

Either you like bacon or you are wrong. Possibly the greatest book offered to mankind, filled with valuable lessons of life and morality with a flavor of a hot succulent bacon filled with crispiness and saltiness. Read the pages, eat them and learn them by heart.

[theholybacon]

The Yokaians, Redemption 2

2:1 Thus saith, Emperor Artimis hath found love through Frynir by creating the perfect form of the gift sent by the Holy Bacon. 2:2 However he did not fry his own bacon, a daughter of the naked women from the realm of Yokai accepted such honour, she hath fried enough bacon to save any realm from famine. 2:3 Her name was Kagemusha and her duty towards thee Emperor was 3 piles of bacon every day, from each she hath to choose the 3 best bacon strips from each pile and the rest of the 3 piles of bacon to place in 3 huge wooden barrels. 2:4 On the first Sunday of the third month of the year, after Emperor Artimis feasted upon the strips, Kagemusha fell into one of those barrels and when she saw the perfection into her grasp, she feasted upon the bacon strips. 2:5 Kagemusha remained inside the barrel because her greed did not allowed her to leave, but once she hath finished eating all the bacon strips inside the barrel, she became so fat that made her unable to escape due to the curse brought for her gluttony. 2:6 The lack of nourishment brought her dead by hunger because no one was able to find her and no one shalt. 2:7 Emperor Artimis mourned her dissapearance by not eating any bacon strip and the mourning continued far too long as he forgotten the succulence brought by the bacon strips. 2:8 From grief turned into hunger, from hunger turned into hate and the hate turned towards people. 2:9 The Emperor Artimis could not bear the smell of bacon near his imperial quarters, on the streets on which he walked and in the houses in which he visited. 2:10 Thus saith, Emperor Artimis forbidden the fry and sacrifice for bacon strips, declare Atheism as state religion and baconism as a heretic cult that must be punished for their pressence in Yokai. 2:11 While baconists were banished from Yokai, the Emperor satiated his hunger through raw vegetables that tasted like wet sand. 2:12 The more he consumed, the more he felt weak, hateful towards anything that surrounded him. Eventualy he became unable to stand on his feet or see the people that still remained loyal. 2:13 In only 3 months the realm of Yokai became an empty realm with no citizens, pigs that provided bacon, just the Emperor that remained inside the imperial quarters. 2:14 The Empire was close to perish but when Yokai needed help most, a man with a handle bar moustache appeared inside the imperial quarters, he carried an ancient book and a long staff made of bacon. 2:15 The Emperor Artimis could not see the man that stood in front of him, but sensed the smell of bacon, attempted to call his guards to seize the intruder but there were no guards to aid, they were exiled as well. 2:16 The mysterious person revealed as Kaiser, the Holy Prophet of Baconism, one that crossed 3 continents, 3 oceans in 3 months to save Emperor Artimis. 2:17 An thus he began opening the book he held in the left hand and used the staff on his right hand to point towards the Emperor to cast the words brought by the Holy Bacon himself: 2:18 „We beseech Thou to make powerless, banish, and drive out every diabolic power, presence and machination; every evil influence, malefice, or evil eye and all faul actions aimed against us that hath receive Thy holy gift . Where there is envy and malice, give us the bacon filled with an abundance of goodness, endurance, victory, and charity. O Holy Bacon, supreme bacon that satiate our hunger, we beg Thou to reach out Thy powerful hands and Thy most high and mighty arms and come to our aid. Help us, send the bacon strip of peace over us, to protect us body and soul. May he keep at bay and vanquish every evil power, every poison or malice invoked against us by corrupt and envious people. Then, under the protection of Thy authority may we sing, in gratitude, I shalt not fear evil because the Holy Bacon is with me, the Holy Bacon is my strength, my powerful guardian, Lord of crisspiness, Father of all grease. I ask Thou Holy Bacon to be merciful to us, save thy beloved baconists . . . from every threat or harm from the AntiCrisp. We ask you this through the intercession of our Holy Prophet Kaiser that brought the words filled with the crisspiness, succulence and greasiness of your Will. Amen!" 2:19 The Emperor Artimis caught his eyes on fire, shouted for help like his soul was scorned by the words were casted against him. 2:20 From his chest a faul creature with the sign of the AntiCrisp branded on his tongue was trying to escape because the light brought by the ancient book blinded and sizzled his skin. 2:21 The Kaiser finishes the ritual by using the staff to hit the ground, the sound echoed throughout the imperial quarters as the hit made the soil crack and open a portal from which countless of thin tentacles caught the AntiCrisp and pulled him inside the hole. 2:22 Once the portal was closed, the Emperor regained his sight, strenght and wisdom, he got overwhelmed by the guilt for the deeds he hath done. 2:23 The Kaiser looks upon the Emperor and saith: „Thou shalt not feel regret, as thee essence of thee Holy Bacon was not inside thy veins to protect thy spirit from thee AntiCrisp. Respect thee Holy Bacon by love, share and consume thee bacon strip.” 2:24 Such words became true, the Emperor Artimis brought the Yokaians back into their realm and used the Frynir to fry enough bacon strips to feed every citizen of his realm.

[theholybacon]

[theholybacon]

The Yokaians, Pilgrimage 1

1:1 In the land where Baconism thrived, had two rulers, two emperors. 1:2 An idea of two rulers made it hard to believe for outsiders, some believed that they were brothers, some believed that they were lovers which made it sound plausible since they did not have an empress or concubines by their side but others just believe that they are good friends because their sign of friendship was proven quite often. 1:3 The Emperor Huxwells gazed upon the Emperor Artimis with pity, he did not enjoyed the succulent and salty taste of bacon strips. 1:4 The Emperor Artimis tried the taste of bacon strips from several pigs, he tried to fry it through several methods, he even tried several times to starve himself as an attempt to appreciate the taste, but the Holy Bacon could not satiate his hunger through his divine flesh. 1:5 The Kaiser was summoned in the hall in which the Emperor Artimis controlled Yokai, he looked at the well cleaned and shaved Kaiser that held his staff wrapped into several layers of bacon strips and told him: 1:6 „I tried, I tried and I tried to like bacon but nothing could satisfy me, the ancient scrolls tells us about the perfect bacon strips that can be made by using a magical artefact called pan. I will send you to the Frozen North and obtain such artefact, if you do not bring it to me before the first Sunday from the third month of the year, you will be punished!” 1:7 The Kaiser inquired a vessel by using the Imperial budget that was given by the Emperor Artimis, three chests filled with gold coins. The Kaiser sailed towards the Frozen North as fast as possible because he knew that he had only 3 weeks left to obtain the artefact. 1:8 He followed the constellations of „Rectumculum” , „Bitchis Australianus”, „Lardus Minor” , „Lardus Major” , „ Orianus”, „Sexteen”, „Krakenum”, „ Homo Marbleum” but the „Virgo” helped him the most into reaching the Frozen North. 1:9 The shores were covered in ice and the Kaiser was not prepared to face the cold weather but with the warmth given by eating bacon strips, helped him to survive the journey through the harsh environment. 1:10 He eventually met in a top of a mountain a group of three grey dwarves, they surrounded the Kaiser and told him: „ We are the sons of Ivaldi, craftsmen of magical objects, you do not look like someone that lives in the realm of Thula.” 1:11 The Kaiser was amazed to see that his search has shown results, he brought the three chests of gold and told them that he will offer the gold if they can craft a magical object called „pan”, one that can help him create the perfect bacon strips. 1:12 The sons of Ivaldi agreed to make such bargain as they enjoy challenges that help them to prove that they are the best craftsmen in the world. 1:13 The waiting took three days and the dwarves were filled with enthusiasm to show their new masterpiece, the Kaiser lifted the pan and touched the smooth surface, being amazed to see such an amazing object and so he asked: „How can I use such artefact to create the perfect bacon strip?” 1:14 The elder son of Ivaldi explained: „This is not just a pan, this is Frynir. Does not require oil or other substances to add, does not require fire to heat the pan, you just need to place the raw bacon strips and let it be fried until it reaches perfection, fortunately it can never burn or under cook as it uses the ideal amount of time and heat to fry the bacon strips”. 1:15 Such news made the Kaiser to become sceptical and demanded proof, unfortunately, the sons of Ivaldi could craft everything but they could not create a pig, a creature that could not be found in Thula. 1:16 The Kaiser raised the left hand horizontally, raised the pinky and the index finger, united the other three fingers with the tip of the thumb under the tips of the other two fingers. A symbol that imitated the head of a pig and with a swift move, the Kaiser cut his left hand with a sword. 1:17 The sons of Ivaldi were speechless to withness such a thing but what was more miraculous was that his hand grew back while the hand that lied on the soil turned into a healthy pig. 1:18 He used the sword to cut the pig into several bacon strips and fry them on the Frynir and share the perfect fried bacon strips with the sons of Ivaldi. 1:19 They were so delicious that they demanded to become baconists and reward the Kaiser by granting him three wishes. 1:20 The Kaiser took some time to meditate for his first wish and told them: „Mine is not long, thick and powerful compared to other spears, craft for me the greatest spear that can impress all the females in the world”. 1:21 After his request, the dwarves discussed between them and told him: „ We are able to grant you such wish, after three days and nights, when you will wake from your third night, blink 9 times and after the 9th blink your magical item shall arrive in your grasp, whispering what and how the item can be used”. 1:22 The Kaiser followed exactly and was equipped with the longest, thickest and most powerful spear, he closed his eyes and then he was able to hear the spear whispering to him: „I am Gungnir, I never miss my target, use me and you will be able to thrust anything”. 1:23 Unfortunately Gungnir was heavy, making the Kaiser unable to get up from the cold soil on which he slept. From what it seemed for him, it was similar with waiting your death. 1:24 The Kaiser fell into a deep sleep due to exhaustion of carying his spear, although all of a sudden a miracle struck the Holy Prophet. A valkyrie came from the skies, a 7 feet tall woman with long blonde hair carried the spear for the Kaiser until he got back to the sons of Ivaldi to request a second wish. 1:25 The second wish was a magical object that would make the Kaiser to use Gungnir with ease. The dwarves replied: „ We are able to grant you such wish, after three days and nights, when you will wake from your third night, blink 9 times and after the 9th blink your magical item shall arrive in your grasp, whispering what and how the item can be used”. 1:26 After he slept the third night and blinked 9 times, he saw a silver belt arround his waist with runes engraved on it, the Kaiser closed his eyes and heard the whispers of the magical belt: „I am Megingjoro, wear me and your strenght shall grow three times”. 1:27 The Kaiser was able to lift with just one hand but then he wondered how did he survived in the wilderness for three days without being eaten as he was unable to move due to the weight of Gungnir. 1:28 A few moments had passed and he realised that the Valkyrie was next to him, she protected him day and night. The Kaiser then requested her if she could aid him in finding food or drink because he was too feeble to survive the journey back home. 1:29 The valkyrie flew far away but eventually she returned with a wild boar that she killed and afterwards she took him to an inn in which the natives drank mied. 1:30 Unfortunately the natives refused to share the mied with the Kaiser for being an outsider but instead of trying his new powers given by his new weapons, the Kaiser cut the wild boar to obtain bacon strips and then he fried them. Afterwards he poured the grease from a bacon strip into a pint of mied and persuaded a native to drink from that pint. 1:31 The first sip quenched his thirst, the second sip brought him pleasure and the third sip got him drunk, the new form of mied reached perfection. 1:32 Eventually every native from the inn poured the grease into their mied and allowed the Kaiser to share the mied with him. Everyone drank mied for the whole night and the Kaiser fell into a sleep of fulfilness for having too much divine drink pouring through his throat. 1:33 The valkyrie carried the drunk Kaiser to the shores of Thula but when he became sober, he realised that the ship has been sunk, left with no options he requested the last wish to the sons of Ivaldi, he wanted the fastest ship to sail back to Yokai. 1:34 The dwarves discussed for one last time in front of the Kaiser and agreed to his request with the same words: „We are able to grant you such wish, after three days and nights, when you will wake from your third night, blink 9 times and after the 9th blink your magical item shall arrive in your grasp, whispering what and how the item can be used”. 1:35 The Kaiser followed as the dwarves specified, but for a moment he was wondering where is the ship because he could not see it near the shores. 1:36 Eventually he discovered that he had a strange object in his pocket, it was a condom. The Kaiser closed his eyes and listened the whispers that came from the condom: „I am Skidbladnir, throw me into the sea and I shall emerge from the depths as a dakar!” 1:37 The Kaiser threw the condom into the sea and in just a few moments, he saw the Skidbladnir emerging from the seas, a long dakar with sails that did not required wind to travel. 1:38 However this time he did not travel alone, he took the valkyrie and sailed to the land of Yokai, the realm that could be found under the constellations of „Lardu Minor” and „Lardus Major”. 1:39 The Kaiser and the valkyrie were not warm welcomed by Emperor Artimis, he was furious because the Kaiser was late by 3 days, even felt insulted to see that the Kaiser had a barbaric appearance with his magical items, his beard and his long hair. 1:40 Artimis, the Emperor of Yokai raised his arm, pointed towards the Kaiser and the valkyrie and called the guards to seize them but from a moment of fury, the valkyrie attacked Artimis as an attempt to kill him but then the Kaiser prevented such a ghastly deed by using the spear to thrust the valkyrie from behind. 1:41 The grateful Emperor recognized the loyalty shown by the Kaiser and forgiven him but then he decided to execute the valkyrie because he did not wanted to have a pagan creature that consumes corpses of people that died on the battlefield. 1:42 Fortunately the valkyrie was saved from the execution with the help of the Kaiser by persuading the Emperor that the valkyrie will marry with the Kaiser, she will embrace baconism and receive a Yokaian name.

[theholybacon]

[theholybacon]

[theholybacon]

Book of Munchies, Potatonism 2

2:1 The Holy Prophet spread the word of the Holy Bacon through the realms he has travelled and made all his followers to celebrate the first Sunday of the month. 2:2 And on the first Sunday of the month there will be rain but there will be no water to drop but bacon strips , warm and succulent, like they came from pigs that lived a grazeful life filled with joys for granting their bacon to all in the name of Baconism. 2:3 Such rain was never seen far, far away in the south where bacon is never eaten and their hunger is never satiated with meat, they had no kingdom because they had no king , they had chieftains , each with their choices but they worshiped something different, one that remained hidden in the ground till he grew strong and then he rose still hidden under a brown peel, his name was Potato. 2:4 Although the Potato covered with earthly dirt could not keep his followers united through his constant sacrifice to ease their hunger. 2:5 Their houses were built on potatoes, their sleeping place were sacks of raw potatoes, they had a religion called Potatonism but had different values compared to Baconism. 2:6 And so, the divided clans united their hatred towards Baconism and declared a Holy War against the realm of Yokai, to cleanse the realm. On the third day when they made such a harsh decision , they gathered into massive hordes and invaded the grazing fields where the pigs could be found and to do as they said ”potatoed to death” which meant to throw raw potatoes into the pigs that granted bacon. 2:7 Once the Emperor Huxwells heard of such tragedy, he shouted through his palace while eating mashed potatoes ”POTATOES! Meh, from now on they are outlawed!” and so was his will , he threw his dish and began to gather a massive army to repel the hordes that invaded the realm in the name of Potatonism and after 3 battles that each took three days and so the hordes have retreated to their native realm. 2:8 While the army that fought for Baconism was marching towards the capital city, a man with a handlebar moustache has appeared , he held a long staff with bacon wrapped around the staff and under the layer of bacon was another layer of bacon and under it was another layer of bacon, the staff was completely made of crispy bacon and it looked so delicious that everyone wanted to take a bite of the staff of the Holy Prophet. 2:9 And the Kaiser raised the left arm with the pinky finger , the ring finger and the middle finger kept high and united , the symbol of bacon as a sign of peace that he shares the same religion with the others and he shouted so that all the followers of the Holy Bacon could hear ”War is not an option, we must seek a different alternative!” and then Emperor Huxwells appeared from the line of his brave soldiers, marching furious and yelling towards the Kaiser: ” Where were you, High Priest of Pig Skin? Pigs have been potatoed to death, without defending themselves and many of my brave soldiers died on these fields, the last count says that I have lost almost three battalions and you arrive now , you should have helped us against our pagan enemies! This war shall continue, we shall scorch their fields of potatoes!” 2:10 Then the Kaiser looked at the rotting pigs that did not have the chance to sacrifice and grant their bacon , raised the staff towards the pigs and when he slammed 3 times on the ground with the end of his staff , all the pigs came back to life and gathered in front of the Kaiser. 2:11 And then the pigs that came back to life sacrificed their bacon to revive the fallen soldiers from the both sides and the fallen soldiers that worshiped the Potato realised their mistakes and repented the Potato to become brothers with the followers of the Holy Bacon because the bacon strips were filled with love and forgiveness. 2:12 The miracle amazed even the Emperor Huxwells and apologized the Kaiser for doubting his faith and that he will be eager to hear the alternative. 2:13 The Emperor Huxwells asked the Kaiser ”How can it be possible to resolve a conflict without a war if your enemies hate you for the love that you share?” and then the Kaiser replied ”I had visited the realm where their tribes call their religion as Potatonism , there is a Potato Girl, from the Hutt clan , she was born from a pile of mashed potatoes and her word weights in their realm” 2:14 The Emperor could not understand the connection of his question with the answer he has heard and demanded to know more and so the Kaiser continued ”I suggest to establish an alliance by having a marriage between the First Apostle of Baconism called the Kraken with the Potato Girl from the Hutt clan , a marriage would end the war and create a bound between the two realms that would make possible to spread the word of the Holy Bacon even to that realm”. 2:15 And so the wedding occurred under a Bacon Pagoda by following the Holy rituals of Baconism. 2:16 The Kaiser took them by their hands and led them to the Bacon Pagoda where the wedding could occur, there would be no other relatives or other witnesses , the Kaiser took the role as the priest to unite his First Apostle with the Potato Girl as would grease unite the two parts of meat to form the bacon strip. 2:17 Once the High Priest of Pig Skin explained them the rituals, they followed them without question. The Kaiser told them to prepare themselves in two separate rooms for their wedding, then to come outside while riding the noble creature that offers the succulent and crispy food offered by the Holy Bacon. 2:18 There were no special clothes to wear because the Kaiser explained them that clothes play as a mask shown to the society to make them believe what we want to believe and so by showing more of their suits given by Mother Nature , the more they will trust the person they wish to unite. 2:19 The Kraken came from the left side wearing just a protective shell while the Potato Girl came from the right side wearing a white wedding dress and the Kraken asked her „there is only the three of us in front of the Holy Bacon, why do you wear this dress, my future wife?” then the Potato Girl replied : „I do not know you, my future husband, how can I trust you?”. 2:20 Questions that seemed to have no answer but then the Holy Bacon took two bacon strips and rubbed them on their forehead so that they may be enlighten that they have no reasons of concerns. Afterwards they both unmounted the pigs and removed anything they wore. 2:21 The Kaiser looked them into their eyes and said „ We have gathered here under the house of our beloved Holy Bacon to unite the Kraken and the Potato Girl from the Hutt Clan! I shall start asking the groom , will you Kraken , First Apostle of Baconism take this woman to love and cherish , to fry and feed her bacon , to pray for the Holy Bacon to divert the fat given by bacon to her breasts and touch them and even compliment them from time to time?” 2:22 The Kraken took no pause and answered „I do!” then the Kaiser asked the Potato Girl : „ Will you Potato Girl from the Hutt Clan take this man and promise to him that you will fry and feed him bacon , that you cherish him and his needs and agree to not cheat him unless you both desire to share love with others?” 2:23 The Potato Girl took no pause and answered „ I do!” and then the Kaiser gave them a sword to slice one of the noble creatures that agreed to grant his bacon and they both cut and fried a bacon strip on a single pan on a single fire while both holding the handle of the pan. 2:24 Once the bacon strip became crispy and succulent , it was held by the High Priest with the three fingers raised and united together , the symbol of Baconism and the fingers remained on the middle of the bacon strip until the Kraken started to eat the bacon strip from the left side and the Potato Girl from the right side. 2:25 Their love for bacon drew them closer and closer that there was no need for the High Priest to hold the bacon strip , eventually the bacon strip was finished with a kiss , the kiss that pronounced them husband and wife , an union between two single souls that ended the war between the Potato worshipers and the followers of the Holy Bacon.

[theholybacon]

[theholybacon]

Book of Munchies, Republic 1

1:1 And the Holy Bacon through the Kaiser's stomach spoke like it had never spoken before by saying "You shall travel north, in the northern regions where the Northmen live" and then the Kaiser asked "How will I be able to enlighten an ungrazed land? The pigs can not consume weed and aridness!". 1:2 Then the Holy Bacon looked at the Kaiser and answered to his question "Give a bowl of bacon to a man and you will feed him for a day  teach him how to fry his own bacon and you will save his life" 1:3 Once the Kaiser heard the infinite wisdom of the Holy Bacon , he knew what it had to be done and so he took the largest pig he could find on the land of Yokai and the pig carried the Kaiser and the Kraken on his back and travelled north. 1:4 And the pig carried the messengers throughout the journey, for 3 days and 3 nights and in return the pig asked 3 bacon strips for each day and each night and for his deed he received the bacon strips he deserved. 1:5 The messengers while riding the pig, entered in a city from north and from 3 men that stopped in front, 3 women came to their side and then 3 children came to the women's side and the citizens came in that order for 3 times to form a cheering mob. 1:6 The shouts of joy made the Kaiser and the Kraken dismount, afterwards they slowly walked downtown where they saw a large plaza with a statue placed in the middle. The Kraken placed a pile of lumber in front of the statue, the people divided in 2 groups to make way for a running athletic citizen that held a firing torch. 1:7 Once the athletic citizen ignited the pile of lumber, the Kaiser pulled a sword from his sheath and with 3 sword cuts he made the statue fall over the fire without crushing it , carved the pig into bacon strips and then threw them on the statue that served as a grill. 1:8 Eventually once the sizzle announced the bacon's crisp and succulence, the bacon strips were given to every hungry citizen. However the people got sad after they finished eating the bacon strips because they had no pigs or pastures for the pigs to graze, but the Kaiser had time to think and then a great idea was shared to the citizens. 1:9 "I have seen how the citizens eat junk food after they smoke weed to satiate their munchies, but there is no need for junk food if you have bacon. From this day forth you shall have pigs, the junk food will now serve as offerings for the pigs so that they may grow the bacon you all deserve." 1:10 Then the messengers travelled further north with a group of 3 young couples that convinced 3 women to join the group and the 3 women convinced 3 men to join the group and the 3 men convinced another 3 women that also convinced 3 men to join the group. 1:11 When they reached their destination, the Kaiser told to the group to divide as individual and each to enlighten 3 people in 3 days and once the 3 days are over to bring them in the center plaza where they shall reap the rewards. 1:12 Meanwhile the Kraken was worried about what he has heard from one of the new believers and the Kraken passed his concerns to the Kaiser by saying "We got too far from the circle of our influence, the Republic can not be trusted, they will betray you, Kaiser,  they will betray you! I heard that they vote for their leader and their current leader made statues of himself and placed the statues in every city. He knows what you did with one of his statues, he doesn't like the divine smell of bacon, he worships the shrimp, please let our work be done and leave now!" 1:13 Then the Kaiser while hiding his worries replied to what the Kraken told him by a request "On the third day , on the third evening , bring me 3 people that saw us and 3 people that never saw us , 3 people that heard of us and 3 people that never heard of us and 3 people that spoke to us and 3 people that never spoke to us." 1:14 And the Kaiser's request was fulfilled , the people gathered on a long table and the Kaiser placed himself in the middle, between them so that he may be heard by what he was going to say. 1:15 The Kraken brought to the table a cup of wine and 3 bacon strips for each person in the room , then he sat between a brunette and another brunette so that he may stay in front of a blonde girl that was watched by the Kaiser. 1:16 The Kaiser lifted the cup of wine with a sideways look on the blonde and then he shouted throughout the room "None from here knows the reason why I gathered you here except me and the Kraken since all of you are girls but that's just a different reason , the wine is made by the black grapes squashed by the feet of young and beautiful virgin girls and the bacon strips are made from a Yokaian pig grown in Yokai by grazing in Yokai for the Yokaian people but I must tell you something...on the next day someone from this group will betray me, that person will be the last one that will pour wine on the hot bacon strips!" 1:17 The Kraken looked shocked and suspicious at every person that sat near the table but he was also thinking if he should ask the Kaiser at that moment or later that evening about where did the young and beautiful virgin girls lived. 1:18 Once the dinner was over , the Holy Bacon witnessed the joys of what bacon may offer by seeing the most wonderful debauchery and the Kaiser was elated by sharing his infinite love with the new believers , however the Kraken was spreading love as well but with suspicion because every person from the room could betray the prophet. 1:19 The bacchanalia reached the sunrise and all fell asleep, but their sleep couldn't be fulfilled because they were disturbed by the soldiers of the Republic that restrained the Kaiser by the order of the shrimp worshiping leader , the soldiers were so many that the Kraken could not stop all but he saw in the back a brunette girl that received 30 potatoes from a sergeant , the Kraken was shocked to see that the girl that refused him because they both liked girls betrayed the Kaiser for 30 potatoes. 1:20 What the Kraken did not know was that one of the soldiers that captured the Kaiser was corrupt and took the Kaiser from the sergeant to make a profit but the corrupt soldier also lost the Kaiser. The girl that received the 30 potatoes took the Kaiser from the corrupt soldier. 1:21 The infinite hunger for potatoes convinced her to send the Kaiser to an auction house , she took the Kaiser on a wooden platform and asked to bargain for potatoes. 1:22 There were soldiers faithful to the shrimp worshiping leader , baconists that wanted to save the Kaiser and useless spectators. 1:23 The bids began from 3 and slowly raised to 30 potatoes then the soldiers added another 3 and the believers raised the bid with another 3 potatoes , eventually the bid suddenly reached to 300 , the sudden bid was made by the shrimp worshiping leader that wanted to execute the Kaiser but by a miracle , in the middle of the crowd someone kept shouting "3.000 potatoes!3.000 potatoes!" with a raised arm. 1:24 The tied Kaiser couldn't see the man's face but that person made his way through the crowd till he got in front and when he got in front he shouted for a 3rd time "3.000 potatoes!" and that man was no ordinary man , he was an emperor and his name was Huxwells. 1:25 No one else had so many potatoes and so Huxwells got the highest bid , released the Kaiser and both returned to the land of Yokai but the Kraken returned much later because his ambition was strong , he wanted to meet the young and beautiful virgin girls and went to the address he got from Kaiser. 1:26 After 3 days later , the Republic could not keep the wine making tradition anymore

[theholybacon]

[theholybacon]

Gospel of Kaiser, The Search of the Holy Grill 7

7:1 In a time of a ripen Yokaian empire, when they expanded through various areas of the world, delivering the word of the Holy Bacon with generosity, the diversity of the Empire filled it with riches and cultural diversity, a blessing to all the inhabitants but also a curse for war emerged within Yokai. 7:2 The Emperor Huxwells viciously protected his homeland from those that were seeking his title and riches, but in the same time he also desired a long lost artefact built in the ancient city of Baconstadt, the Holy Grill. 7:3 The Holy Grill on which raw bacon strips could be placed and crispened with such delight that by rubbing on injuries it could miraculously heal him and even resurrect him and Huxwells craved for the powers of the Holy Grill, but the war was consuming his army. 7:4 In a desperate attempt he chose his High Priest of Pig Skin, the Kaiser to search the Holy Grill, offering full autonomy to him and to the Bacon Inquisition, the sacred order ruled by the Kaiser and becoming  independent as well from the Emperor. 7:5 Their freedom was at their disposal and made major changes within the order from military to ideology. 7:6 Eventually through rigorous research of ancient scrolls, they have found the location of the Holy Grill but the place was hostile and filled with baconless people and the resources of the Bacon Inquisition was limited. 7:7 Fortunately, the Kaiser recruited three great baconist leaders from the Ming Empire, from the Bacon Republic and from a land shaped like a boot, each had the support of an army. 7:8 Afterwards the Kaiser and the baconist leaders which later became his brothers in bacon and arms, marched with the three armies united under the banner of Yokai and brought redemption upon the baconless people with generosity. 7:9 The Holy Grill has been found within the conquered lands and the baconist leaders asked in return their independence. 7:10 The Kaiser with Huxwell’s approval granted their independence and so the Bacon Crusader states were formed on the baconless land that was conquered with swiftly justice and righteousness. 7:11 The baconist leader from the Republic of Bacon became the ruler of the Principality of Baconeia, the baconist leader from the land shaped like a boot became the ruler of the Kingdom of Jerusalami and the baconist leader from the Ming Empire became the ruler of the Kingdom of Citrus. 7:12 The Kaiser settled in Jerusalami for a few days with his apostles and feasted at a long wooden table filled with cups of wine, full plates of warm bacon strips and naked women dancing on the table. 7:13 Before the end of the celebration the Kaiser said: „It is better to trust an enemy with a common interest than in a brother”. 7:14 The Kraken while gazing upon the dancing naked women asked: „Would not the enemy betray you eventually?” 7:15 The rest of the apostles caught  their attention on the discussion and were waiting for an answer, one that finally came for the Kaiser replied: „Both can betray but with the enemy you are always on guard”. 7:15 The apostles were wondering if it was another of his visions or if the Kaiser drank too much wine again, but in return Fortunado was cornered by looks filled with suspicion from the other apostles for they assumed that he will be the one to betray the Kaiser. 7:16 During the next day, the Kraken  confronted Fortunado with an accusatory manner by pushing him on the wall and telling: „You are a creature born in darkness and molded by it, why should I trust a person that was once accompanied by demons and heretics that will possibly betray the prophet of Baconism?” 7:17 Fortunado pushed back defensively and replied to Kraken’s accusations: „The prophet told the prophecy and the prophet also sensed that under my tainted soul there was love towards the Holy Bacon and to his divine gift!” 7:18 Meanwhile the Kaiser was discussing with the King of Jerusalami about holding his part of the bargain to offer the Holy Grill and deliver it in Yokai, but this first king of his line with noble blood did not have nobility in his acts. 7:18 In a moment of greed, considering that he spilled blood for Yokai and that the Holy Grill was in his right, he stabbed the Kaiser while hugging him for departure, piercing the bacon strips from Kaiser’s bowels, leaving the injured Kaiser, slowly bleeding to death near the throne of Jerusalami, which meant that the endeavours of the apostles proved to be futile for they could not stop the prophecy. 7:19 A kingdom built on  blood and greed is damned to fall into darkness, to spread corruption and taint into the weak spots of loyalty and faith, but the demon of greed can not be satiated and his hunger will grow until he swallows himself.

[theholybacon]

[theholybacon]

Gospel of Kaiser,   Enlightenment 6

6:1 The world is a book and those that who do not travel read one page and the holy prophet of Baconism with his apostles read this book they called „Earth”.

6:2 The foreigners were the travelers and not the lands they explored to spread the word of the Holy Bacon.

6:3 The Kaiser from the land where the pigs were impaled was accompanied by the Kraken of the Mountie Land with great tentacles of influence throughout the land of Yokai.

6:4 By Kraken’s side was Captain Carrot, a former soldier that kept his rank and by this name the people will forever remember him. This apostle came from a distant realm where his people rule the waves because their lands had a ghastly weather.

6:5 Near the Captain, a very odd person was travelling as well, Fortunado the bacon sorcerer and very loyal to the Holy Bacon, no one knew from where he came from, only from what he told to the other apostles, that he came from the deep south.

6:6 Finally, there was Prometheus, the 32nd  of his line, a noble chieftain of a potato tribe that joined the Kaiser after they both sacrificed a pig to feed the potato tribe with bacon.

6:7 All were apostles and all were spreading the word of the Holy Bacon, debating and forever looking for guidance from the Holy Bacon.

6:8 They found shelter in a forest near a lake, Fortunado made a campfire, Prometheus the 32th of his line brought a pan, the Kraken sacrificed the pig accompaning them during their travel and with his sword he cut 3 bacon strips for each member. Captaing Carrot sat on the ground, frying the bacon on the campfire while the Kaiser in the lotus position with his eyes closed, inhaling the essence of the Holy Bacon that came out from the pan.

6:9 All the Apostles were waiting for the Kaiser to tell his visions and how they may spread the word through the baconless lands, but they were all disappointed, Kaiser’s mind grew weary and so he sought enlightenment in the house of pleasures.

6:10 He spent seven days in the company of seven women diverse one from another by hair and skin color, as the naked women created as gift for the unshaven man because Mother Nature did know his preferences, but fortunately the unshaven man liked them all, same applied for the Kaiser for on the 7th night he had a great vision, ten commandments sent by the Holy Bacon for all of mankind:

6:11 Fear not in worshiping false Gods instead of the Holy Bacon if you are not being denied to love anyone and embrace the gift of the Holy Bacon in your heart and bowels.

6:12 Blame not the Holy Bacon for the laws of men you live among.

6:13 Always be sincere with yourself if you are a servant of truth.

6:14 Listen to the wisdom of your parents, but do not let them deny your bacon and freedom.

6:15 Curse freely if you see bacon being wasted.

6:16 Share your bacon even with your worst enemy in their hour of need and starvation.

6:17 Ask but do not steal, let them have the sin if they deny your bacon.

6:18 Let no death be a waste, but with honor and utility.

6:19 Never refuse bacon in time of starvation for it will forever be your greatest sin.

6:20 Never trust the Vegan Bacon for it will be the first sign of the Aporkalypse.

6:21 Then the Kaiser woke up from his vision and began writing the commandments on a scroll made of pig skin.

[theholybacon]

[theholybacon]

i just made a shitload of bacon for my fam and then stumbled across your blog, what perfect timing :)

Pleased to meet you! May you never run out of bacon!

[theholybacon]

Follow back? :)

Of course, as always. 

[theholybacon]

Gospel of Kaiser, Revelation 5

5:1 In a night when the winter brought the cold rain and the cold rain turned the soil of the green pastures into the mud, the Kaiser was struck by a terrible vision. 5:2 A vision so terrible that the Kaiser began to write so that he may warn all the believers. 5:3 There was no ink for him to write and by despair, the Kaiser sacrificed his bacon by using bacon grease to write about his vision he had in that night. 5:4 "There will be a man like no other man, he will be born amongst the believers that praise the Holy Bacon, but he will reject the crispiness! 5:5 All will know him as who he is but not who he will become and when we will discover his true identity it will be too late. 5:6 I did not see his face, all I know is that he eats only raw and unpeeled potatoes, dry lovage and rotten tomatoes. 5:7 By his taste he will wear the number of the AntiCrisp on his tongue and that number will be 666. 5:8 He will bring 3 messengers, each wears a green hat with a green tail, they can't move, hear, see or talk, they can only be eaten. 5:9 One is red, the second is yellow and the third is green, their skin is thick and beneath it they hide their evil seeds. 5:10 The AntiCrisp will curse the bacon by a single bite on each pig. 5:11 The pigs will continue to live but once they get cut, the bacon strip will pour between the fingers of the believers , the bacon strip will taste like the sunflower oil and it will evaporate if it's being fried. 5:12 Three years will pass after this disaster and by despair most of the believers will renounce their faith and declare the AntiCrisp as their ruler and in return the AntiCrisp will feed his subjects with what he has grown from the seeds given by the three messengers. 5:13 However on the last day in which the baconists will make a one last stand against the forces of the AntiCrisp, the Heavens will open and flood the AntiCrisp's armies with hot bacon strips. 5:14 And that day will be known as Judgement Day, where all the bacon strips will become people and the people will become bacon strips. 5:15 And from that day forth no one will ever know sorrow, tiredness or hunger, all the people will be united and equal and no one will ever gain weight from eating bacon strips."

[theholybacon]