Imperial Guard-kin

White cisgendered trans-Imperial male. I was born in the wrong era. Preferred pronouns are guard/guards/guardself. My triggers are thieves, Skooma, the Mythic Dawn, criminal scum, and filthy Khajiit. Do not mention these around me or I WILL block you.

[theimperialguard-kin]

Here at troll co. (an llc) we have need of your skill set. As of right now we employ over 8,999 people, and some of them are being a little less than well honest about how many pens they need.I as much as I would like to let every employee take as many pens from the supply room as they wanted, Troll co. (an llc) simply can not afford such waste. Employee theft is very costly and hurts all of us. Would you like to be our new "Head of security"?

No thanks, I'm fine not having (TRIGGER) cancer.

[theimperialguard-kin]

I found a great mood that turns your character into a Khajit wielding an enema bag full of Skooma. I intend to capture a sequence wherein five Khajit forcefully sodomize a young guardsman with these items. Do you have an email I can send this to?

[email protected]

[theimperialguard-kin]

Have you remembered to thank mr. skeltal today?

Of course! Thanking Mr. Skeltal is the only way I get good bones and calcium since I don't drink milk (vegan) or water (it's a trigger for my genderfluid friends and Morphling-kin).

[daedrakinhugzz]

Tumblr is hateful

I am trying to send asks and no one replies. I am certain that my tumblr is being silenced because my truths are damaging to the patriarchy. When even the platform you use to fight your oppression is itself a tool of that oppression, how do you go on fighting?

[theimperialguard-kin]

Damn rats.

[theimperialguard-kin]

Are (TRIGGER WARNING) Argonians triggering for you as well? I hate those filthy sewer-swimmers as a guardkin myself. Pirates, thieves and some of them even worship DAEDRA.

I once felt the same way about (TRIGGER) Argonians (/TRIGGER) until my second cousin confided in me that he was planning on coming out as a genderfluid Muslim trans-race Argoniankin. 

Sure, they’re a bunch of scum-sucking (TRIGGER) Skooma (/TRIGGER) addicts, but my hatred forArgonians doesn’t get in the way of my family. I supported my cousin while he swam in septic tanks and dabbled with skooma, and helped him with all his problems, including trying to figure out which section of the mosque he needed to go to when he wanted to (TRIGGER) jack off (/TRIGGER) to the (TRIGGER) Prophet Muhammad (/TRIGGER) .

That being said, I support all fellow guardkin and understand your burning hatred. 

[theimperialguard-kin]

Oh look! A thief! OH NO, CRIMINAL SCUMS. WHATS THAT OVER THERE? IS THAT A SKOOMA?? Hey, dude, its the Mystic Dawn! Lastly, Kahjiit's waiting for you outside.

By the Nines, I'm literally three seconds away from a literal full-on trigger-induced panic attack. I'm THIS close to pissing and shitting everywhere while stress eating, and it'll probably take me seven months of therapy to get over what I just read.

You may think you're clever being anonymous, but I've traced your IP and reported it to Tumblr, as well as the cyber police. Have a nice time in federal prison, shitlord.

[theimperialguard-kin]

I heard that you promote all racecar preference. What is your stance on fools who believe that the LS series engine is a better platform to provide power in a racecar than the indestructible power of a naturally aspirated R26B Wankel Engine? How could these fools ever believe that an apex seal could possibly be destroyed when they're under such a constant stress that doesn't change direction, effectively increasing the engine's potential as a race engine. Instead they argue for ancient pushrods.

Yeah

[theimperialguard-kin]

Hi, I'm a cis white male. Can I join you in your quest to defeat the filthy (TRIGGER) Khajiit?

Excuse me? 

I'm sorry, it sounded suspiciously like you were bragging about being a cis white male. I know that couldn't be the case though, because NO ONE could be proud of being a member of a group of people who vile and oppressive as cisgendered white men. 

Let me make one thing clear, I don't want you or any of your filthy kind helping my fight against my triggers. YOU can fight on your OWN, you shitlord.

[theimperialguard-kin]

#yesallcriminals are total scum. Plain and simple.

[hate-criminalscum]

Last Morndas (or it might have been loredas) I was patrolling the streets of Anvil. When a putrid stench filled my nostrils, I turned 360 degrees and looked behind me, just in time too for I was faced with a horrible sight: the stench, of course, was a kh*jiit, what’s worse, this vile beast was...

[theimperialguard-kin]

Knowing that that criminal scum will rot in jail for several days and lose several stat points in the process gives me such a non-gender-identifying hard-on. You're doing the Nine's work, guardkin.

[theimperialguard-kin]

Okay, this is something I have to get off my chest...

Today, I was leaving Whole Foods after shopping for some gluten-free, salt-free, vegan-free, trigger-free foods, and I saw three (TRIGGER) Khajiit sitting on a park bench, harassing passerby, and doing generally shady things. I am so sick of the state of Cyrodiil ever since those furry fucks starting immigrating.

Ever since the Khajiit started showing up in Cyrodiil, they've taken all our jobs, muddled our culture, and desecrated our air with their terrible hygiene. The crime rate in the Imperial City has increased tenfold in the last twenty years in direct accordance with the increase in Khajiit within the city. Additionally, the (TRIGGER) skooma trade is at an all-time high. 

Shit, I bet those fucking Khajiit did 9/11, too.

[imperialguardkin]

The other day I was embracing my inner guard, dressed in guard armour. It was a great feeling. I was so empowered! I decided to reward myself with a pensive stroll in the park. I then heard laughter. I look to see a group of high teenagers pointing at me.

"How goes it, citizens of [town]?"

They...

[theimperialguard-kin]

This is so disgusting. It angers me to no end when people try to differentiate fantasy and reality. THEY'RE THE SAME, PEOPLE.

I'm sorry you had to go through this disgusting abuse. 

[theimperialguard-kin]

Hello Guard! I am glad you have also finally made a blog to express yourself and your kin, as there seemed to be a shortage of Imperial Guard-kins around, and I wanted to be sure the ciskin (TRIGGER WARNING) humans weren't stifling your kind's representation. As you can see, I am proto/break-kin, but recently have been questioning myself. I find every day a growing repulsion to (TRIIIGGER) skooma (not one that overshadows my trigger to busters however). Could I be guardkin as well as proto-kin?

It's nice to meet you, Proto-kin! You most certainly could be guardkin as well as protokin. 

I once had a distant cousin who identified as guard-kin, dragon-kin, plane-kin, train-kin, and plantain-kin. It's a miracle he made it through day-to-day life with all the (TRIGGER WARNING) triggers he had, but he was such an inspiration.

He really helped me come out of my shell and feel comfortable as an Imperial Guard-kin, and helped me find a group of like-minded individuals here on Tumblr. He was my hero up until the day he molested me, scarring me for life and giving me PTSD.

[theimperialguard-kin]

It's so good to know that I'm not alone in my connection to the imperial guards of tamriel. I came out to my parents recently and they still haven't accepted me for who I am and they call me imperial scum because they worship that false king Ulfric

I’m so sorry to hear that. I have a similar story:

When I was sixteen, I was forced to come out to my parents as a trans-Imperial guardkin after they found out about my fetish for Uriel Septim. They kicked me out, and now I spend all day on Tumblr ranting about equality and social justice and scolding people for triggering me and I never go outside and I’m fat and gross and have no self control when I eat and it’s all my family’s fault.

I just want you to know that you’re welcome here. This is a safe place. Everyguard equal, everyguard loved.

[imperialguardkin]

Hello tumblr. I’d like to just introduce myself. I am Aya. And before this website I had no where to express myself… I am a guardkin. I’ve always associated with the guard NPCs in RPG games and after a goodle search have come to realize I was just born in the wrong dimension…I am trapped in this...

[theimperialguard-kin]

You are so brave. I hope other closeted guardkin can take inspiration from your actions. Welcome to your new family. (:

[theimperialguard-kin]

As an actual, literal dragon, one who's having a human type this for him, I have to ask. Do you fear my kind? You and your brothers are no match for us, so I wonder, do you at least have hope?

Of course I fear dragons. I've been seeing a therapist on and off for months to try and get over "dragon" as a trigger word. I was there in Helgen. I still remember what happened that day.

Helgen... Destroyed by a dragon. Can you believe it?

Any time I see my friends goofing off and not looking to the skies for danger, I get so frustrated. You gotta keep your eyes ready. Damn dragons could swoop down at any time.

[theimperialguard-kin]

Hi, I'm an Imperial Guard-kin that feels like a Khajiit. I can't stop doing Skooma, and I get triggered when I see criminal scum NOT violating the law. What should I do? Can I really be Khajiit? Because I am definitely an imperial guard.

First of all, I have to ask you to kindly censor words that could be potential triggers for me and everyguard that might be reading. Just looking at your question is giving me extreme indigestion and I feel a bout of explosive, trigger-induced diarrhea coming on. 

Secondly, it isn’t too late to get help. Go to your city watch tower, talk to the guards, and enlist to help the Imperials. 

Your current lifestyle is disgraceful and you’re bringing shame to yourself and your offspring and your pets. Please change.