conversations overheard through the batkid com lines pt 40 (masterpost here) (direct sequel to pt 39)
*background noise of rubble crumbling, stones crashing*
Tim: *gasping for air* i... cannot believe that worked.
Jason, distantly: i can't fuckin' believe that thing one-shot my ear and somehow only managed to hit the com piece. how fucking useless of a robot do you have to be to make such a neat shot at such a shit time?
Damian: *cough* i fucking- i am going to kill. all. robots.
Tim: dude you are... really mad at this thing.
Damian, seething: it hit me with a fucking stop sign.
Jason, distantly: *cackles* aw man, yeah i saw that you went flying,
Damian: it isn't too late to lift that things shut-down body and plant you underneath before letting it drop, Jason.
Jason, distantly: mememememe~
Tim, groaning: can we like, re-set my shoulder before we start fighting? there's no way i can swing like this. also where the fuck is Nightwing?
Jason, distantly: he should be fine, i saw him right before the thing dropped taking out the last of the human guys.
Dick: yeah yeah i'm... i'm fine i'm on the other side of the robot thing. i'm just googlin' somthin. hold on.
Tim: the fuckre'- ow that hurts- Robin-
Damian: do you want this to be left untreated?
Tim: *groans* just be quick. fuckre' you googling Nightwing?
Dick, absently: mmm. the minimum legal age for marriage in Pakistan.
Tim: ...what- *faint snap* AUGH-
Damian: there. back in place.
Tim: YOU FUCKING CUCK YOU DIDN'T EVEN WARN ME.
Damian: well doing that would be kind, and i am not kind to those that laugh when i get hit by stop signs.
Tim: THAT WAS FUCKING HIM,
Jason, distantly: don't you fucking point at me. don't you point at me with your One Good Arm. how dare you.
Jason, distantly: i can't hear the coms by the way, is Dickie alive or not?
Tim: *strained grunt* oh- right, yeah, he answered. he was googling- Dick what the fuck are you googling marriage laws in Pakistan for?
Jason, distantly: *casual* oh he's still on that huh?
Dick: bECAUSE I'VE BEEN THINKING ABOUT THIS SINCE BEFORE THAT ROBOT EVEN SHOWED UP AND JASON- one of you tell Jason his marriage is fucking ILLEGAL because he was UNDER EIGHTEEN WHEN IT HAPPENED.
Tim: ...sorry his what is what now?
Damian: oh, is this about Shaman Fahima? he was underage but i don't think laws really apply where we were. and Fahima was pretty on board with the idea of the marriage's purpose only being to frustrate Grandfather. she was more like an old kindly auntie than a sister-in-law.
Jason, distantly: oh is he on about the age of consent over there? we didn't fuck we just held hands in front of Ra's for a while.
Tim: WHAT are you TALKING ABOUT?
Dick: JASON MARRIED A FAKE WITCH IN THE LEAGUE OF ASSASSINS AND DIDN'T TELL ANY OF US.
Tim: *abrupt coughs* exCUSE ME?!
Jason, distantly: what? what- Day why's he lookin' at me like that?
Damian: it's not that big a deal. there was a neighbouring tribe whose leader was a self proclaimed shaman that seemed to unsettle Grandfather. since this is the only person we'd ever seen manage to intimidate him before, naturally, the next occasion Jason wanted to piss him off, he went to her.
Jason, distantly: stop looking at me like that. it was funny.
Dick: why was marriage what he settled on?!
Damian: he's asking why you went for marriage.
Jason, distantly: oh. i dunno... her sister was ordained in their culture and she was right there, and there was a big banquet with all the tribes including the loa the weekend after. i thought sitting at the head table with Fahima would piss Ra's off the most. also i think it legally made me a king or something, which was cool.
Damian: your wife was remarkably good-natured about the whole thing.
Jason, distantly: yeah she's fuckin' fun. taught me how to butcher a snake.
Tim, slightly indignant: oh, well in that case she's a fucking keeper then isn't she?
Dick: why the fuck has this not come up before?!
Damian: in akhi's defence, it was only really relevant for the month or so after it happened; then we all mostly forgot about it. i'm fairly sure Jason and her only exchange messages once or twice a year if there's something they need to discuss regarding the league.
Jason, distantly: also she sent me an anniversary goat once. to this day i don't know how she managed to ship it to Gotham. she's chill though. i call her Nana Fahima.
Tim, lost: she's your legal wife?
Jason, distantly: yeah but emotionally she's my Nana Fahima.
Tim, solemnly: what the fuck is wrong with you.
Dick: i am so telling on you to Bruce when he gets back to earth.
Damian: he says he's snitching on you to Father once he comes back to earth.
Jason, distantly: good, i can freak him out too. what does he think i am, a coward?
Dick: for the love of- WHAT HAPPENED IN THAT FUCKING DESERT?!?
Damian: *sighs heavily* a lot happened Richard. a lot.