Mood Swings & Musings

Twenty-something. In love with books & adventure.

[thejohnthatgotaway]

I DON’T KNOW, but I met with my ex today— three months and six days after a breakup I really didn’t see coming.

Last night, before finally agreeing to meet at around lunch time, I had to ask what the conversation will really be about— you know, just to set limits and perhaps avoid unnecessary drama. He said he just wants to personally apologize, explain what happened, and set things clear. It’s for closure, that’s all it’s gonna be. So I said okay.

Yes, I have repeatedly read all these ‘the disrespect is the closure’ and ‘you can give yourself closure’ posts online, but no. I honestly thought I needed that closure. I needed to know why it had to end that way. I wanted to hear his reasons while looking him straight in the eyes.

And so it happened. Got the apology. Heard the explanation. Engaged in a conversation that felt familiar.

There were gaps — dead air — lots of it, actually. Maybe it’s that awkward feeling of looking at his eyes and seeing a stranger once again. Maybe we’re both holding back. Maybe he just ran out of words. Maybe I was being cautious.

Acknowledged his apology, but told him I can’t say for certain I have forgiven what he did. Told him the most painful part was that I never believed he was capable of doing it, but I have accepted what happened because it’s the only path left to tread. He said he understands and he’s really sorry.

The conversation was brief. Much shorter than how I expected it to be. Told him I’ll be heading home if there’s nothing more, but I can see and feel there’s something else that he wants to say. And I was right.

And here I am staring at the ceiling at 9PM. I honestly don’t know know what I’m feeling right now. I feel sad and mad and confused and regretful all at once. I feel like I shouldn’t have said yes to meeting up.

I thought hearing what he had to say will help. Why do I feel like I have fallen back to square 1?

[Sorry. I can’t even provide a clear context of what happened. It just feels bad having to recall every part of what I went through for what— an explanation that only led to more confusion. 🥺]

[thejohnthatgotaway]

I PERSONALLY THINK that one of the most challenging parts of being a teacher is the constant need to show up — living up to the society’s expectation that you always need to be present to steer the ship or keep the wheels running — even on days when you’re in bits and pieces.

And while others may argue that we, teachers, enjoy the same privileges that other employees do, perks like paid leave credits do not actually work like instant lifeline buttons we can just press whenever we feel too frail to move — not even when the heart is breaking or when the mind is wandering far beyond its boundaries. When you’re a teacher, the privilege to rest and take time off doesn’t work like an ‘I deserve it’ card you can use to grab a cup of Starbucks coffee or a pair of shoes you have been longing to get for yourself.

There are mornings when you just feel like you don’t have enough strength to go through the day — but you know you have to show up.

There are mornings when something blurs your eyes or when your voice shakes but you have to keep speaking so no one would notice the sadness and the frustration and the pain that’s eating you up inside.

There are mornings stained with disagreements at home or in your relationships, but you have to stand still and explain why the subject has to agree with the verb in sentences or why some things fail when people don’t communicate.

There are days when you struggle to understand your own thoughts, but you have to have clarity and help students understand the feelings of the characters in the stories they read or in the films they watch in class.

There are days when you’re down in the deep, but you have to act whole and smile because inside every classroom you enter, some look at you and find a reason to keep going or depend on you for hope.

Inside every classroom, someone who experiences chaos at home finds peace in your voice and in your presence – and yes, you’ll feel compelled to set aside whatever troubles you and be a safe space for others.

There are tough times when everything feels empty, but you know you have to keep pouring.

And when the day ends or the night falls, you stare at the ceiling trying to find answers to the very questions that won’t let you sleep. Or perhaps, pray for more strength because when the sun pops the following day – you know you’ll have to show up.

[Cheers to every teacher who may not be feeling okay lately, but still keeps on showing up. Our stories are diverse, some have far worse struggles than the others – but we all share a common purpose that somehow makes this world a better place.]

[thejohnthatgotaway]

You’ll know something’s off when you see me going for a light-hearted Christmas movie after a long day at work or late at night when everyone’s probably asleep. A bit too early for the season, but this somehow works, at least for me. These past weeks have been really draining and stressful and sad. Some nights, the body’s dead tired but sad thoughts just won’t let me sleep.

And I’m afraid I’ll be running out of Christmas movies in no time. 🥺

[what-iz-life]

You deserve a calm relationship that's good for your mental health, heart, and nervous system. A lover who's your bestie, your safe space, and soothes your soul during stressful situations. Life is tough enough – you deserve someone who brings you peace, not problems.

[thejohnthatgotaway]

This. 🥺

[thejohnthatgotaway]

Team SABA. Saba-hay lang ngayong long weekend. 😅

[thejohnthatgotaway]

Life’s little detours. 🌻🍃✨

[thejohnthatgotaway]

There’s more to mornings than just the vibrant yellow sunbeam and the crystal dew drops on the lush green leaves of plants you see by the bedside window. Some mornings come with a fresh dose of hope, while some— with little [or sometimes huge] realizations.

Today, I woke up earlier than usual since it’s Wednesday— novena day. I was taking a sip from my cup of [bitter] black coffee when it suddenly dawned on me: minsan pala talaga, even if you have a strong mindset of who you are and what you bring to the table, mahirap pa rin ‘pag hindi ka paborito. Kahit saan— sa workplace, sa bahay, sa circles na meron ka, sa lahat.

Alam mo ‘yon? ‘Yung kahit you always go the extra mile, your best efforts still seem unseen. Invisible even. And no matter how hard you stick to your mindset, it will keep on confusing your thoughts on whether some things are worth the hardwork. Because the truth is, sometimes it just feels like you’re being used. And at the end of the day, it will crush you to your core when you begin to realize that you will never be good enough for some people [or their standards].

Like, okay lang naman na hindi paborito, but at some point, it will be too discouraging— too discouraging that those who try to do well will begin questioning themselves and the worth of the things they do.

Some days, it’s okay. There are days, however, when it could both be discouraging and insulting for those who consistently try their best to prove themselves. Life’s already unfair as it is. I think we should try our best not to make it even worse for others.

No matter where we are or regardless of the positions we hold in life, may we always be reminded that our choices and actions either make or break people.

And some people don’t, can’t, and won’t forget. Remember that.

[thejohnthatgotaway]

HINDI KO ALAM kung mababaw, pero I really think one of the saddest realities that comes with adulting is acknowledging the fact that most days, you will be on your own— that there are battles you have to fight alone, that there are tough days you have to go through alone, and that there will be rainy days when you will get wet and no one will be around.

Hindi kasi ako sanay ng walang ginagawang work or kahit anong task. That’s why, siguro, this ‘uninterrupted’ school break is a bit weird for my system. I mean, I appreciate naman the time to rest and recharge, it’s just tough lang din going through the same set of routines araw-araw. It’s making me sick, TBH.

Plus, I don’t have a lot of friends. My circle back in high school, rarely na makapag-kumustahan. Siguro, kung makakasalubong na lang unexpectedly sa mall or kung saan man. Most of them, may family na. ‘Yung small circle ko naman ‘nong college, sila pa rin ‘yung constants ko hanggang ngayon. Pero, just the same, dalawa na lang kaming hindi married, for now. At kahit nasa isang city lang naman, parang once or twice a year lang ata kami magkita. Busy sa kanya-kanyang priorities. And ‘yung few friends ko naman sa work, hindi ko naman pwedeng asahan na uunahin nilang samahan ako na lumabas o mag-roadtrip. They are people much older than me. ‘Yung iba, parang parent ko na. Busy sa kanya-kanyang pamilya at mga gawain sa buhay.

I don’t know. I can go out alone naman. I can shop alone, stay sa café alone, go someplace alone. Iba lang talaga when you have someone or a few people na kasama. Malaking bagay kasi ‘yung conversations, eh. Or kahit ‘yung presence nga lang.

I’m not sure if it’s the universe’s way of telling what my future is gonna be like, but it’s honestly heart-wrenching at times. Alam mo ‘yun? And as an adult, parang nakakahiya din minsan magbakasakali na people will have time to spare for you.

Nakakapagod din naman magbasa o manood ng series buong araw hanggang gabi. Basta, hindi nawawala ‘yung longing for company. Ako lang ba?

Maybe it’s just the rainy weather kaya I’m being sentimental. Or the fact na matatapos na ‘yung break, pero ‘di pa nakakapag-travel man lang. Or perhaps it’s just me overthinking things, again.

[thejohnthatgotaway]

The truth in Joy’s realization really hit hard. 🥺💙

[thejohnthatgotaway]

🌿🍃🌸✨

[thejohnthatgotaway]

🌸🙏🏻✨

[thejohnthatgotaway]

Got a life-changing opportunity [something I prayed hard for], pero ‘yung utak ko sobrang distracted na hindi ako makapag-isip at makapag-prepare nang maayos. I’m feeling anxious and a lot of other emotions I can’t describe all at the same time. Huhu.

I need you to calm down and focus, self. Can’t waste this one. 🥺✨

[thejohnthatgotaway]

A DECEMBER STORY. I’m almost done purchasing simple items [boxes of gel pens, water tumblers, highlighter sets, notepads] which will be used as game and raffle prizes for my students’ thanksgiving party on the 15th. Just waiting for the cute kraft wrappers I ordered online so I could wrap each of them and they will be ready to be shared to my advising class.

I think it was Monday night this past week when I thought of checking if the remaining funds I allotted for my class can still cover grocery bags [basic Noche Buena items] for learners in my class na ‘di man pala-kwento, eh, alam kong madalas short sa mga bagay-bagay. I have my own share of ‘kapos’ days growing up, so I sure know how it feels to lack things.

My funds can only cover a few bags so I thought of reaching out to my closest friends to ask if they’ll be willing to celebrate a recent feat by paying it forward. By ‘few’ friends, I meant four or five. I’m not really sure about it, but I know I have to try and have faith. I quickly edited the Canva template I found and sent it to the said few.

I remember discussing the idea to my class prexy and VP, and they were both happy about it.

I fully understand those who replied with “try ko ah” or “balitaan kita”. Minsan kasi kahit talaga gusto nating mag-share, mahirap ‘pag ‘yung funds natin sakto or kulang pa para sa mga responsibilities, bills, at allowances para sa susunod na sweldo. A bit sad kaninang umaga kasi less than a week na lang, pero ayos lang naman. Perhaps, the few bags I’ll be able to cover will be enough.

Today, however, I feel happy that I took the chance. Got a positive response from one of the few good friends I reached out to. He asked for my account number and sent an amount enough to cover five more bags. I was only making lambing for a bag or two, but he pledged five.

See? The spirit of sharing is still alive— even in the littlest and simplest of things.

If you, too, have been blessed, this season may be a good time to pay it forward.

Merry Chritmas! 🎄🎅🏻⭐️❄️☃️

[thejohnthatgotaway]

Roadtrip, coffee, and a bit of life’s unexpected detours. 🍃

[thejohnthatgotaway]

Patuloy pa ring bibili ng books kahit wala pang kasiguraduhan kung kelan mababasa.

[thejohnthatgotaway]

Abot-kamay. ♥️

[thejohnthatgotaway]

Realization after a long drive to this paradise in Bauan, Batangas yesterday:

It’s always tough when you gradually realize how some people have drifted away— and it leaves a bigger wound when these are the ones who swore they’d stay.