Recover.

Recovery doesn't come easily. This is a place for tears, and joy. A place for pain, frustration, accomplishments, failures, and thoughts. Thoughts that are personal, negative, and positive. This is my net. A place where I can unleash things that I shouldn't be keeping inside. This is here for me to look back on, once I have made it to the other side. This is a place to give others hope. This is a place to- recover.

[thejourneytorecovery]

I had my first positive feeling doctors appointment I have had in a long time. 

[thejourneytorecovery]

Session 2

Summary: 

Three goals

Figuring out my disassociation/avoidance 

Self-esteem/communication with John

Dealing with my grief

Made a timeline about when I started feeling unhappy with my body (third grade), and talked about ways it was dealt with/not dealt with at home. Talked about the result of my feelings, I became shy and withdrawn. Teasing from GS and parents. How my needs where never truly met and now my needs/wants could be blurred emotionally. I reenact ways of getting the love and attention in my safest relationships (John and Dani)

Things to remember:

My needs are important, and I am good enough for them to be met

I could not repeat the sentence she wanted me to.

Tough stuff:

Realizing that I had to seek out love/attention/affection it was never openly given to me and how greatly that has affected me. 

For next session:

try to decide if I want to go weekly or bi-weekly

[thejourneytorecovery]

2018 has filled me with a lot of grief. Grief I know seeped through into this year. This year feels like it was a pause. I wanted to work on my self-love and mental health but things were too heavy and I think that I wasn't ready to process or grieve yet. 2019 I will. I went to a psychic for the first time ever yesterday and it was one of the most incredible experiences I think I have ever have. I have never felt my feelings and emotions they way I did and I had never felt so validated. It was amazing. And I am so thankful I was able to be present for it.

[thejourneytorecovery]

I have been in a weird head space lately. Vacation what great and maybe going back to the old routine is what has me feeling off.

New therapist. Don't really like her. But I'm trying. Reached out to another so we'll see.

Grief and complex tramua is what's going on right now. Took that depression text thing and scored low. But why do I feel so low?

[thejourneytorecovery]

Going back to threapy this week.

Wahoo.

Give her a chance, give it a chance. You need it.

[thejourneytorecovery]

I have been studying your face, each spot, each hair, I can feel the stippling on your face. I just want to feel that warmth. I want to remember the feeling of your weight that would slowly end up entirely on me, but talk it all off of me at the same time. 

I miss you

[thejourneytorecovery]

I need to be more honest, I need to stop biting my tounge because my anixety tells me know one wants to hear about it. 

I have so much to say, but nothing wants to comes out. 

Grieving is a odd thing. I have tired to write something since the night I came home without you and whenever I try nothing comes. Nothing does you justice. You saved my life. You were my whole heart. I just want words to explain the amount of love that I felt for you and from you. Nothing, nothing-no one has ever made me feel so safe in my entire life. 

I love you Renee. I miss you with ever fiber of my being. 

[thejourneytorecovery]

I just want to write it out. This is all that comes out. better than nothing I guess. Ugh. I hurt. 

[thejourneytorecovery]

Laying on the couch for hours. In the dark, in silence, some times with music. Avoiding homework or housework, watering the flowers, etc. That's what my depression has been looking like lately.

I'm so tired.

I miss Renee.

[thejourneytorecovery]

I have been feeling really overwhelmed lately, which is the first step in my anxiety getting the better of me. My depression is really heavy right now. I miss Renee so much. I give anything to have her back with me.

[thejourneytorecovery]

I have never missed anything as much I miss you. I still have no words. The shock hasn't worn off, and it still feels like I'm just dreaming. I love you so much. I miss you so much. I'd give anything to rest my head on you again.

[thejourneytorecovery]

I miss Renee so much. I still don't think it's fully hit me and I am really scared for when it does. I don't even know who I am without you. I'm nothing without you. I don't want to be without you. You are supposed to be here still.

[thejourneytorecovery]

Renee I miss you so much. I want to write something about her, but I can’t yet. How is she gone for forever... i cant do this without her 

[thejourneytorecovery]

Reading through my Tumblr, I seem to crash in may. I wonder why.

[thejourneytorecovery]

My depression is making me feel really heavy and in a fog. I can feel the tightness in my chest. By the end of the day I have been so tired. I don't know what's making it so heavy.

[thejourneytorecovery]

I feel good today. I didn’t think I was struggling, but I have been lately. I was thinking about how I have been acting and feeling lately and it kinda hit me that I wasn’t doing so hot. After how I feel today, I know that I have been depressed. Cam’s suicide still hurts and it is still lingering in almost everything we do.

[thejourneytorecovery]

I have been wanting to start a clean eating plan and weight lifting again. Both would be good for me, but thinking about them make me crawl will the obsessive feeling. I can feel it in my chest, and arms. If i think about food, I obsess. If i just eat and dont think about it, it's okay.