...🦖 "By the way, does it feel good to just say whatever is on your mind? To you, it may seem like people hold themselves back because they're dumb. But if you say everything that's on your mind, you have to watch others get hurt by what you say. Some people find it harder than holding back, so they try hard not to say anything."
Well that was surprisingly fun and as of now, zero evil editing.
That moment when they were deciding seats and we got a last minute twists was on brand for Mnet tho 🤣
Highlights:
🔥Park Dong Gyu existence
🔥Daegu Chingu - his performance is what we all love about these shows.
🔥Lee Sang Weon's adlib 🤣
🔥Them not really showing the bad performance (except for like 2, but they were also entertaining lol)
🔥How the "kids" aka 15s are ACTUALLY fucking good. Usually the kids are cute and cute only and I want them gone after episode 1. This time it's different.
🔥Yeom Ye Chan/Kim Tae Jo is a comedy goals duet.
Screenshot shows my rankings. Not always matching the judges lol
About why I gave Lee Sang Weon 2 stars... you can REALLY hear they cleaned his voice post production. This like metallic/robotic sound. And here's the thing - it does not even mean he did bad, you cannot fucking tell how he did, you can just hear they fixed whatever imperfections there were. I get they probably did coz they did not want to fuck him over since even if he was good Lee Rion was so fucking great, but now I cannot even judge how well he actually did....
They also did Swi Ching Wi dirty. If it was not for his solo dancing I'd give him 2 stars too. Like they literally showed him only say "oh ah yeah" during the performance - like dude can be tone deaf as far as I know hahaha
Controversial All Star from me: Kang Woo Jin (for the vibes omg love him).
But he was probably one of the most charming and natural on stage. That is his asset. Just as the judges said - it does not matter how much skill you have when you do not have the charm basically to sell it. Kim Geon Wu was that for me - it was a clean and good performance, but damn it was boring 🤡
To say I was impressed is an understatement. I am honestly shocked how well this story was presented, acted and developed for how short it was. It was engaging from the beginning till the end. It completely took over my life for a month. I am not ashamed to admit, this will be a full on positive analysis of the unforgettable story. I will point out some minor flaws I have seen, but for making me this obsessed, I cannot care for them too much.
This is a great presentation of how external circumstances can shape a person. How one can be a perpetrator without being a victim first, be a victim and become the perpetrator, and sometimes just be the victim who tries to free themselves out of the abuse. How one cannot be saved from toxic relationships, they need to leave them willingly. How our current situation is not always our fault, but it is our responsibility.
I appreciate so much that Da On did not fall under either a submissive shy mouse, nor a chaotic victim who acts with no reason. I loved how he did try to set boundaries, sometimes he managed to, sometimes he failed. He knew the limits of how much he can do without putting himself in harm's way. There was a clear pattern to his behavior - he was more willing to say no to Su Hyeon in public, than in private. He set boundaries and when the situation escalated, he gave in. Yes, him not being straightforward was frustrating to watch, but that’s life. Su Hyeon had too much power over Da On’s life. There was too much trauma associated with his aggressive behavior to move past it quickly. Leaving an abusive relationship takes time, learning how to set boundaries has to be learned. It’s a process.
Even with limited length, they were able to explain the context of Da On’s life. Being neglected, living in a toxic environment, feeling like he has to carry too much responsibility from a young age, being ridiculed for being poor, isolated from others by Jae Min, attacked and abused, and on top of that abandoned by the person he liked. He did not know what it means to be in a healthy relationship. Or what is an appropriate behavior. He was simply groomed by Jae Min - to trust him only, alone with no other relations. Being groomed for 11 years has a massive impact on you, and you cannot just cut these people off like it’s not a big deal. Even if they do something awful, traumatic, scary - they have been part of you and your life. Da On acting like that was annoying, but it was not lazy writing. People wanted him to go from victim to a completely healthy person with proper coping mechanisms right away, and were frustrated when it did not happen.
Out of all the scenes, the one that truly got me a bit confused was when Da On willingly left the building and got into Su Hyeon’s car just to avoid Seong Hyeon. This scene was weirdly constructed and contradictory. They were really clear Da On wanted to have nothing to do with Su Hyeon… but then he put himself in the position to be with him alone with no valid external reason.
I also lowered my rating from a perfect 10 to 9.5 because of that presentation. That scene was more psychotic than anything Jae Min did in the whole show. After being kidnapped and almost killed, witnessing the man he loves stabbed, having his face smeared with blood… He went and did the presentation. What the actual fuck.
That said, except for these two moments, while his actions were frustrating, they were cohesive, they made sense in the context of the show and who he was as a character, they were believable. I will die on this hill if needed, but I do believe Da On was not a weak person nor weak character. And here comes the compliments for Kim Jun Seo’s acting. I cannot believe this was his first role. To be able to present so much vulnerability and deep emotions, while also showing determination and strength. The duality!
Then we have the toxic and the psycho - Su Hyeon and Jae Min. Can we appreciate that we got two completely different and distinctive versions of different abusive relationships thanks to these characters? We really got a deep dive on what can go wrong between two people. Be it constant criticism and belittlement, psychical violence and intimidation, excessive jealousy and controlling behavior, lack of respect and boundaries that Su Hyeon presented, or lies and deception, emotional manipulation and gaslighting, unhealthy dependence and isolation that we saw with Jae Min. They are both toxic, they are both unhealthy, even if they are vastly different.
I know people love to have a soft spot for Su Hyeon, mostly because of his rather tough upbringing in a psychotic family and how he was not as aggressive in the flashbacks. I get it. But the fact is - there is nothing redeemable about him in the present timeline and I strongly believe even without Jae Min in the picture, he would still turn violent at some point. Why? Because from the start the issue was not Jae Min, but Su Hyeon’s complete lack of emotional maturity and emotional regulation. If it’s not Jae Min, he would snap because of his family. If not the family, he would snap if Da On would not be able to handle the constant micromanagement, jealousy and possessiveness. Su Hyeon does not know how to deal with negative emotions and frustration, they always lead to anger and aggression.
Yes, the flashbacks were great. I agree that the library scene with him pinning Da On on the desk and the chat about the ring was great. But putting it into the context of who his character is and how he behaved - this is way too little for me to see him as a right person for Da On. Or anyone if I must be honest. Maybe a “hot date” with a psychiatrist. Can he get better? Yes. But that would require a lot of work. To be honest, I did not want him to be redeemable, but the last episode changed my mind a little bit. I struggled with seeing what could possibly happen for me to believe he might change. But with how psychopathic Jae Min became, I think the shock of that situation could potentially be enough to make Su Hyeon do 180.
On the other hand I believe Jae Min cannot get better. The difference for me between Su Hyeon and Jae Min is why they act the way they do. Su Hyeon had bad tendencies that were reinforced by his environment - he learned a lot of negative actions from his aggressive father. As far as I see it, Jae Min’s natural negative tendencies were actually held back by his environment. The advantages of acting good and not going full psycho were strong enough to keep him in check. Let’s be honest, if he grew up in the same environment that Su Hyeon did, by university age he would be a serial killer.
And that’s when I knew the one that kidnapped Da On was Jae Min. Because it’s not something Su Hyeon would be capable of doing. Not that he wouldn’t want to, he just couldn’t. Su Hyeon would never go full psycho, because he still has many things that limit him and things he fears - especially his family and his father. He acted out as much as he could with the external restrictions he had.
On the other hand the only restrictions Jae Min had were the ones he placed on himself. He acted as this model teacher, great friend, cool hyung - perfect man, because it was advantageous for him. He controlled himself, because it was worth it. But when he lost control over Da On, keeping that perfect persona was useless, he let go of all the restrictions he placed on himself, and now nothing was stopping him from going full loco.
And when Jae Min went full loco, he truly did not hold back. What glorious moments these were. I am amazed with Kim Ho Young’s acting. You watch him act and you understand why people believed his fake personality. But you also truly see how out of control he is when the hell breaks loose. Whenever it was his nice act, or the chaotic outburst - they were acted perfectly.
Cha Jung Woo did not do worse. Truth to be told, the whole cast did an amazing job. Kim Su Hyeon was such an annoying character, and yet even I saw the charm he had during some scenes. I could understand why Da On fell for him. And the last episode? Outstanding.
While these character had many differences there was one thing that they had in common - they wanted to own Da On, claiming they love him. Love and obsession are different though. Neither of them truly cared about Da On, his feelings, happiness, life, well-being. All that mattered was to possess him. They both believed it would be better to have him in their life broken (or dead), than set him free. From the start they kept using terms like “What I want”, “What I lost” - indicating they saw Da On not as a person, but as a thing they wanted to possess.
And that’s when Seong Hyeon shows up. And you know what I love about this character? That he makes mistakes. That he is not in fact this perfect green flag with no flaws. He is a human being with his own feelings that also get hurt. He sometimes reacted emotionally, childish even. And that’s what made him real. Because of these moments when he acted more selfish, when he did something without thinking - that’s what made his character more interesting.
While he had a lot of great personality traits like being helpful, kind, patient, mature when dealing with setting boundaries, and confident, he also had many relatable flaws. He was childish and pity when he thought someone was not following certain social norms he deemed important. Sometimes he regretted saying something, sometimes he regretted taking actions. And then at times he regretted backing off.
One of the aspects of his character I found the most fascinating was his ability to be really flexible in his reactions and behaviors. Depending on the external context, he reacted differently to the situation, but it was all consistent with his motivations and goals. He was more straightforward with Da On when he saw he was in a good “state”, he tried to distract Da On instead if he saw he was exhausted. Even without understanding the reasons behind Da On’s state, he was really good at reading his emotions and acting accordingly.
What separates him from Jae Min and Su Hyeon is the fact he knows how to love and how to receive love. How to care for people and receive that help. How to view relationships as mutual support and not transactions. For Seong Hyeon it is not “I want”, but “Can I?”. Can I stay with you? Can I hold your hand? While Jae Min and Su Hyeon try to control Da On, Seong Hyeon gives Da On the choice. He asks instead of stating. While Jae Min and Su Hyeon said they want to be with Da On, Seong Hyeon asks if he can stay with Da On. Yes, he is persistent in his approach, but there is something gentle about it. Rather than forcing himself and his presence, it seems more like a reassurance that he is willing to wait, to fight for Da On, to be there for him. Reminder that he is waiting and still there, whenever Da On is ready.
One thing I feel like Seong Hyeon and Su Hyeon share is the fact they are rather emotionally expressive. The difference? Seong Hyeon is expressive, but in control of his emotions and how he expresses them, while Su Hyeon is completely lost in his emotions and has no control over them. Then Jae Min is not expressive, but also in control of his emotions (until he is not… oops).
Here sadly comes one issue I had writing wise - the non-consensual kiss between him and Da On, and the aftermath of it. Truth to be told, I was not even “angry” at the writer for including the kiss. As I said, I love the fact that Seong Hyeon fucks up from time to time, and this was one of these cases. There was no excuse for that kiss to happen and then continue with Da On being this drunk. But while I can understand what led to it happening, the fact that it was not once addressed later on kind of annoyed me. He apologized for wrong things. It’s less a character fault, but more cultural norm fault though.
Now, Cha Sun Hyung’s acting. I still cannot get over how he switched from Puppy to Guard Dog depending on the scene. The way he was able to present that golden retriever energy, but without looking dumb and silly that often happens with characters like him. He still looked mature, strong and confident.
For the general writing, directing and editing:
I really liked the structure. I think the placement of the flashbacks was perfect. The way they were cut in just the right places to give some information, but also mislead us as viewers. The way they made it seem like Da On liked Jae Min in the past, just to reveal it was Su Hyeon. Or who Su Hyeon attacked and why. They just cut the scenes smartly. How much we want to show, how much we want to confuse the viewers - all seemed like deliberate choices, carefully crafted.
Was the “borderline childhood connection” needed? No. I honestly dislike that so much. This was just… unnecessary and added nothing to the show for me.
I’m not going to lie, I am more of the internal analyzer of the bigger picture and the context, than someone who looks for details and symbolism. So to truly appreciate the production, I had to do some research, because I simply do not pay that much attention to things that are in fact important.
Let’s start with the fact the drama was more or less color coded for specific characters (Da On - yellow, Su Hyeon - green, Jae Min - pink, Seong Hyeon - blue). The scenes for the characters were actually often light in a specific color hue. Even in the intro scene with Da On and Jae Min they used this peach pinkish hue, the scene where Su Hyeon attacked the guy with the bottle was yellowish-green. The color flipped only between Da On and Seong Hyeon. Da On’s narration had a blue background, and the scene between Seong Hyeon and Da On had the yellow/orange warm tone from the setting sun. Am I reading too much, or was it a deliberate choice to hint who the end game is? Who knows, I like to pretend it was all planned and hype myself more about why I love this drama.
Colors aside, they also really did a good job with just the lights and the warmth of it. Perfect example - the scene when Su Hyeon dragged Da On away to his apartment, leaving Seong Hyeon behind. The part of the corridor with Su Hyeon and Da On is cold and dark, while where Seong Hyeon is staning it has this warm orange light.
Then we have the symbolism of chess connected to Jae Min - how from the start it was hinted (for some less, for some more obvious), how he was the mastermind behind it all, how he manipulated both Su Hyeon and Da On for years. How he was the one controlling the situation.
Also, extremely random thought, but white is such a psychopath color, so the fact Jae Min was the only one wearing the white outfit in the intro is just cherry on top. And how it had a comeback when he completely lost his marbles in the last episode. Greatly appreciated.
Overall, what a fucking ride. I get it. This drama had flaws. It was not some high budget production, but the way it won my heart is illogical. One could say I was in a completely toxic and dependent relationship with it for the past month. I’m Da On - blind to flaws the same way he was blind to all these red flags.
Daon drinking the shot for Seonghyeon was SO ATRRACTIVE, you just know Seonghyeon's heart was SHAKING. Daon is usually more of a cutie you want to protect but that..that was HOT.
First of all, I don't know what happened, but when I started writing I could not stop and here we are with 5 pages essay 🥲
I want to start with saying: there is a difference between having flaws and being abusive. Jae Min and Su Hyeon are abusive, Seong Hyeon has flaws. Sometimes I question if anything like a “green flag” even exists, because even normal people with a healthy approach, but just normal flaws are somehow red for others.
THAT SAID, I will address the elephant in the room first - which was his non-consensual kiss with Da On when Da On was completely drunk and Seong Hyeon could not be more sober. This was wrong. There are no buts. It was simply wrong. And the lack of addressing it the next day was also wrong. Do I think this situation automatically makes him a red flag? No. Do I wish it was addressed? Yes. The drama truly did nothing to make this moment more favorable towards Seong Hyeon’s behavior. Dude did not take even one shot. It’s not like one was drunk and the other tipsy. Seong Hyeon was 100% sober. Was it abuse though? No. It was one time extremely shitty behavior that crossed the boundary, because you cannot consent when you are drunk. If he was also drunk, there would be no conversation here - it would be a mutual mistake. But he was sober, so in this situation he should push Da On away and leave. And talk about it the next day. I’m honestly glad Da On said Jae Min’s name, because if he did not… where would it lead? I like to think he would stop, but who fucking knows…
Moving on to a more “holistic” approach to this double agent - Puppy who turns into Guard Dog when needed.
I think Seong Hyeon likes the idea of being a good person - it’s something he is proud of. That’s why he helps others without asking for anything in return. BUT where his flaw is - for him intentions are more important than the results. Perfect example is him “saving Da On” and ruining his watch in the process. He is honestly annoyed that his good intention of saving Da On was ignored, and the focus was on the broken watch. He does not necessarily expect anything in return, but he also does not want his good intentions and action to be presented in a bad light. He was annoyed, because Da On saw him as a busybody rather than a helpful person. He wants his efforts to be appreciated and noticed.
What’s more, I think he values kindness and decency. Basic proper social interactions. Appreciating other people's help, helping others when they struggle, listening to what the other person is saying without interruption, apologizing and accepting an apology. As I said, basic decency. And when he thinks someone does not act according to it, he can be pity as fuck about it (all the turning off AC when Da On feels cold, letting the door go when Da On enters the room). Da On summed it up quite well - he acts childish in situations like that.
But as childish as he acts, he is also extremely willing to move on from misunderstandings and clear the situation when the other person shows they will to do that too. I honestly think he just wants to live a good and happy life: having a good social circle and positive interactions are a big part of it for him. That’s why he agrees to work with Da On on the project only if the two of them will also work on improving their work relationship. I do think he always takes like half a step too far in how close he wants to get to people, but depending on whom he interacts with it might be both a flaw and a good thing. With Da On who is so guarded and honestly socially isolated (both by his own making and schemes of Jae Min), someone being more upfront is the only way to get to him.
What I also value a lot is his ability to admit to his mistakes and simply apologize. Which then leads to him actually having good communication with Da On too. Even if they say or do something wrong, they are willing to own up to their mistakes in front of each other.
I think he has a rather high sense of self-worth, but it’s not blinding his perception. He was obviously showered with love from his grandma, who is also from what we see a rather emotionally wise and stable person - and it also shows in how Seong Hyeon behaves. While Jae Min and Su Hyeon care about themselves above others, Seong Hyeon is willing to care about others more than himself when needed. Simple example: Seong Hyeon gives up bed for Da On, while he himself sleeps on the floor. Su Hyeon takes the bed, while Da On sleeps on the sofa.
What I find most important - he is actually really flexible in his reactions and behaviors. People say he cannot read the room and situations, but for me he reads it quite well. He almost always reacts in the right way even with limited knowledge he has. He knows when it makes sense to ask questions and when to lean more into comfort and distraction. I think he reacts more based on the emotion of the other person, rather than the facts of the situation. Some examples:
Episode 2 when he asks Da On to eat lunch with him (a suggestion Da On agreed to the previous day). Da On is visibly stressed and you can see something is going on. What does Seong Hyeon do when Da On says he won’t have lunch with him? He does not push. Why? Because he sees that Da On is stressed and under the weather and it’s not a good time to push. He does not get annoyed and angry that Da On did not keep his “promise”. Instead he gets worried about him. Worried that he might be sick, worried that he might not be able to eat at all. And so he gets him meds and writes a cute note. From the start he prioritized Da On’s feelings over his own.
Same episode after Da On’s father shitshow - this time he insists on eating with Da On. Because he sees how much it hurt him how everyone is gossiping about him, how everyone who complimented him now turned their backs on him. So he wants to make sure Da On knows he is not alone and that he will stand by his side. There is a huge difference between giving someone who overall has a good support system space to calm down, and giving someone who does not have the support system space. In the first case, it will let them breathe, the other will make them feel more abandoned.
Episode 3 and their movie date - he is extremely anxious and curious about Da On’s past with Su Hyeon, but he knows it’s not the right time to ask. So he tries to distract Da On with the happy chat and movie date. Because at that time distraction and comfort was what Da On needed, not more confrontation. BUT he is also assertive and gives Da On’s excuse to at least momentarily remove himself from a stressful situation - taking away his phone and turning it off when they watch the movie “since you are supposed to turn off your phone when watching a movie in cinema” - he saw Da On kept checking his phone stressed, he understood it’s not something Da On can himself just ignore, so he created a perfect external excuse for Da On to lean into.
And then we have the “Can I hold your hand? If you are not seeing anyone, can I hold your hand?”. Da On did not say yes, but he also for sure did not say no. And yeah it might seem like a consent issue, but for me it’s more about understanding that Da On is simply not a person who says yes, but someone who does not have an issue saying no. I am 100% sure, if Da On said no, or removed his hand after Seong Hyeon held it, Seong Hyeon wouldn’t try to forcefully still hold it.
Episode 5 when he asks Da On not to like Jae Min - it is a selfish ask. But he also backtracks from it the next sentence asking if he can just stay by his side. At first it might seem like a “smart manipulation” - he asked for something big, but his goal was something smaller he knew Da On would agree on after the first unreasonable ask. But for me it’s a simple reaction to what Da On was saying. Da On did not say “I don’t want to stop liking him”. He said “I am not confident in stopping” and “I’m not as good of a person as you think I am, I will most likely hurt you”. For me, he backtracks not for his own sake, but for Da On’s sake. He does not want to burden Da On and stress him more, but he also wants to make sure Da On knows he is there, and will be there whenever Da On needs him.
What’s more - he does not take away Da On’s agency, even when he thinks Da On is making a mistake. He might share his opinion, but at the end he does not try to stop him by force or manipulate him away from it. He communicates what he wants and then leaves it to Da On to decide.
As for him being a “simp” who just sits and waits for Da On no matter how much he hurts him”. Might be wild for some people, but what he is doing right now is exactly what he should be doing if he wants to be with Da On and it has nothing to do with simping, it has everything to do with understanding how Da On feels. You cannot force someone out of abusive relationships, they need to make the decision to leave themselves - whenever it’s toxic friendship, abusive household, or partner. All you can do is make sure they know you are there for them when they decide to leave so they don’t feel alone. So they know there is something/someone waiting for them outside.. Adding pressure to choose, to take action right away, to make decisions and bold choices is the quickest way for them to push you away more and completely shut down. It’s the perfect way to make sure they will in fact stay with the abuser.
I also really want to talk about the progression of his scene protecting Da On from Su Hyeon.
First time it happened was when Su Hyeon wanted to take Da On away after work (episode 3). This happened before Seong Hyeon knew or understood anything about Da On and Su Hyeon’s relationship. He just saw Da On angry and not wanting to go with Su Hyeon so he stepped into action and made a silly excuse. He was trying to de-escalate the situation rather than confront Su Hyeon. Because at that time he did not know confrontation was needed. He probably just saw it as an uncomfortable situation Da On wanted to get away from. He set a soft boundary in a polite manner without provoking Su Hyeon.
Second confrontation happened during the “office meeting” that Su Hyeon orchestrated to basically intimidate Seong Hyeon. Was Seong Hyeon intimidated? No. I think this is when Seong Hyeon starts to grasp what kind of person Su Hyeon is and he is not willing to play the games. He is confident in his answers, but still keeps it polite/proper for a working environment.
And then we have the glorious epic scene in front of Da On’s house. This time he knows Su Hyeon is not just some random guy from Da On’s past. Based on all the previous situations, he knows it’s more serious and it’s not just about Da On feeling uncomfortable, it’s about his safety. And that’s why, compared to previous situations, he does not stand on the side, he puts himself directly between Su Hyeon and Da On. And that’s when he starts to point out how out of line Su Hyeon acts.
That moment when he puts Da On behind his back more - it was a reaction to Su Hyeon threatening to harm Seong Hyeon and I think Seong Hyeon understand Da On is willing to put up with a lot to protect people he cares for, so him pushing Da On more behind his back was not only to protect him, but also a way to reassure him he does not have to give in and that Seong Hyeon is willing to stand up for him. That the threats do not work on him, and they should not on Da On. The way he stood firm and did not even blink or backed away or try to fight with more aggression when Su Hyeon grabbed his collar.
But you know what’s more important? That he is firm and does not give in to Su Hyeon, but is also not physically stopping Da On from leaving. He asked him to stay, to not go with Su Hyeon, but he does not try to actually stop him. He makes his wants perfectly clear, while also giving Da On the freedom to make that choice, even if he disagrees with it. It’s Da On’s decision and he respects it. Even if it hurts. Seong Hyeon does not lash out, just asks Da On not to leave - not because he is "choosing" a different man, but because he is scared for his safety.
Side confrontation was the asshole “university friends”. His eyes were again locked on Da On. His reaction and what he said was constructed in a way that does not make Da On look good. He had no issue being vulnerable and saying he likes Da On alone. He set the bounty of how the dudes should behave interacting with Da On. He did not argue, did not make a scene. He cleared the situation, set the bounty and right away got Da On away from that place. Why? Because Da On is his priority. “I don’t like seeing people I care about get hurt” - this is what separates him from Jae Min and Su Hyeon who have no issue not only seeing the person they “care about and like” be hurt, they also have no issue hurting that person as long as it means they can “keep him”.
Another thing is how technically both Seong Hyeon and Jae Min keep “helping” Da On without Da On asking. With Jae Min, Da On feels uncomfortable and in debt, he asks Jae Min to stop. With Seong Hyeon he feels grateful, wants to thank him, but does not tell him to stop. Why? Because Da On reacts to the unspoken intention behind the help. There are things that do not need to be said, but you can feel it. Jae Min helps because he wants Da On to feel like he owns him. While Seong Hyeon helps simply because he wants to help and he makes sure Da On understands it “I’m giving without expecting anything in return. You can always be on the receiving end.” Technically both Jae Min and Seong Hyeon verbally said something similar, and yet Da On believes only one of them. He only starts to reject Seong Hyeon's help when he tries to separate himself from him, to protect him from Su Hyeon.
Then we have the confession - be it on Da On, or the other’s side. When Da On confessed to Jae Min, Jae Min got pissed. Why? Because his focus was on how that confession hurts HIS plan. On the other hand when Seong Hyeon confessed to Da On, he told him he does not need to reply. Why? “I’m afraid he’ll feel uneasy”. His concern was Da On’s feelings about his confession, not his own situation.
Similar shit constantly happens with Su Hyeon too. Every interaction that includes Su Hyeon, Daon and Seong Hyeon we have: Su Hyeon focusing on Seong Hyeon and trying to intimidate and piss him off, and Seong Hyeon focusing on Da On, watching his reactions and emotions and trying to act accordingly to them.
At the end of the day, Seong Hyeon might be a flawed person, but he knows how to say thank you, I’m sorry. He knows how to ask for advice and how to give it. He knows how to help others and receive it himself. He does not calculate his every move, he is an open and honest book. And that honesty, transparency, but also stable force that does not budge and is willing to wait is exactly what Da On needs.
Let’s start with his background, since just like in Da On’s case, it’s extremely important to understand his correct personality and behavior.
He grew up in an abusive household. Probably both emotionally (that we know for sure based on his conversation with his father and mother) and physically (I highly doubt he was not hit when he was growing up, if his father was so casual about pointing a gun at him). So this is what he learned about relationships and social interactions. I would not be surprised if the father abused all the members of his family, his mother included. He never learned emotional regulation, from whom? He learned that the “appropriate” reaction is anger. What he learned from a young age is - you either control and own people, or they control and own you. He does not understand partnership. You are either on top, or people walk all over you. There is no cooperation, there is only control.
What’s more - because his emotional needs were never met, and no one cared about them, he had to prioritize them himself. And now he is egocentric and completely lacks insight into what other people think and feel. I think that’s one of the more interesting aspects of his character that is especially clear when he interacts with Seong Hyeon.
The end of episode 5 and the whole episode 6 was a perfect example of it.
“What do I do? He’s asking me to go in with him”. Why he said it? Because he wanted Seong Hyeon to feel jealous, To feel like he lost Da On. Make it seem like Da On chose Su Hyeon. Because this is what he would feel in this situation and this is what would make him angry. Why? Because he would not be able to see Da On’s fear, he would ignore how for any normal person Da On did not willingly choose him out of love. He would completely ignore Da On and his existence as a person. He would only focus on his own feelings and the fact he “lost” something. Something was taken away from him. While Seong Hyeon’s anger comes from worry over Da On’s safety, not jealousy. More than wanting Da On to choose him and stay with him, he just wants Da On not to go with Su Hyeon because he is scared he will hurt him. Su Hyeon thinks only about his feelings, his egocentrism makes it impossible for him to understand that other people might perceive the situation differently, might have different motivations than him. So he acts, says and reacts in accordance with how he himself would feel and think in any given situation.
It’s exactly the same during the “meeting” when he tells Da On “Leave work with me later”. Da On is just a tool here to assert Su Hyeon’s dominance. He is not a person in Su Hyeon’s eyes in that scene, he is his possession. His shining toy he “won” and now is annoying Seong Hyeon with. He said “leave work with me” not because he wanted to spend time with him, he said it to hurt and anger Seong Hyeon. And he is dumb enough to think he actually won and achieved what he wanted. He recognizes anger, it’s a feeling he knows quite well. But he cannot comprehend that Seong Hyeon’s anger comes from his care and worry over Da On, not the jealousy of him being with someone else.
And him being so egocentric is exactly why it was so easy for Jae Min to manipulate him. Because Jae Min is actually really good at understanding people - he understand their emotions, he just does not give a fuck about them. He knew exactly what to say to Su Hyeon to push him to do whatever he needed to be done.
Why did Su Hyeon agree to that fucked up contract? Because he completely failed at understanding Da On’s feelings. Him and Jae Min are quite similar in one aspect - both to some extent see any and all relationships as transactions, the mix of pros and cons. They view them from a business perspective. So he could either agree to the contract and keep Da On in his life, or not agree (while thinking Da On likes Jae Min) and potentially lose Da On completely. The choice was rather simple. For us, normal people this is such a bullshit situation, but for someone who grew up seeing how any and all relationships are about potential gains and profits (since this is how his family works), this was not as wild and ridiculous as it would be for literally any other person.
Jae Min knows Su Hyeon’s default reaction to anything is anger and he used it on every turn. And Su Hyeon played along without knowing.
You know the simplistic view on different types of reactions to danger: Fight, Flight, Freeze? Su Hyeon is in constant fight mode when faced with someone who is weaker than him. And that works for both actual physical danger, but also subjectively perceived emotional danger. For him Da On being “taken away” is the danger of losing the person he thinks he loves. Fighting is the only thing he learned growing up. He had nowhere to “flight” since his family was too powerful for him to run away, freezing would mean losing and being abused more. So he fought, and now he is fighting. Coz that’s all he knows.
He does not know how to make someone want to stay with him, but he knows how to make them fear leaving him. He understands fear, because that’s how he was raised. So when Da On sets boundaries, for him it means he wants to cut him off, so he reacts with anger and intimidates Da On, because that’s the only way he knows how to make him stay. He is so emotionally inept he can easily convince himself Da On still has feelings for him, that he chose to stay with him, and not that he was forced to do that. He is so focused on his feelings alone, he is simply incapable of understanding others. Which only makes him more angry. Because it’s hard to control people when you do not understand their motivations. Fear works on him, so he assumes fear works on everyone else. So he uses his anger to make them scared.
So, by all means Su Hyeon is a social and emotional idiot. But he is also abusive and aggressive. He is not a child, he needs to own up to his abusive behavior and “mistakes”. While his current mental state is not completely his fault, it is his responsibility.
I feel like many people do not understand Sin Jae Min, which is good for you, means you are normal 🙂 By all means, majority of people should not understand the “logic” behind his actions. But let me explain some shit.
He is not normal. While I cannot diagnose him based on the few scenes, he for sure is a good example of someone with personality along lines of dark triad (narcissism, Machiavellianism, and psychopathy). I know we all call him psychopath, but I do feel he falls closer to Machiavellianism with a dash of narcissism. Putting aside terminology, let’s focus on specific behaviors and his reasoning for them.
First of all, he loves being in control. That’s why he surrounded himself with weak or hurt people who are easily manipulated and controlled. Da On based on his lack of support and parental neglect was a perfect victim for him. A perfect possession to have. Su Hyeon with his complete lack of emotional control and retrospection, also growing up in an abusive family is a perfect tool to use. Even the few dudes he used for his scheme were clearly shown as people who were in a vulnerable situation - mostly financially, and Jae Min used that to make them do what he wanted. For him life is a game when, and he wants to win, whatever it takes.
I also think the aspect of control was the reason he kept Da On as a friend rather than boyfriend. Initially he probably did not have any strong feelings/obsessions about Da On. Then Su Hyeon showed up and started to win Da On over. Jae Min was losing control over the situation. Hence the contract. But that plan, even tho it worked at that moment, was also what limited his actions later on. People asked why he did not accept Da On’s confession. Well, where would it lead then? Su Hyeon would be pissed and tell the truth. That contract is not something he would be able to easily explain to Da On. It was a potential trigger and risk that could lead to Da On cutting him off of his life. He made his calculations and he saw how it was not worth the risk. I think it;s extremely important to understand he doesn't love Da On. He is obsessed over possessing him. It’s not the same.
And usually what it takes is manipulation. He makes sure he does not get his hands dirty if there is a different way to achieve his goals. And if he cannot, he makes sure the other person’s hands are as dirty as his, so they won’t spill the truth. The contract between him and Su Hyeon was a mutual agreement he achieved by making Su Hyeon believe Da On likes him, not Su Hyeon. Making him unsure to the point he would rather take the stupid deal than potentially lose Da On.
He used the other guy in the university to put Da On in a dangerous situation to 1: provoke Su Hyeon to act in an aggressive way (which would scare Da On and potentially make him move away from Su Hyeon) and also to scare Da On from trusting people and interacting with others. Keeping Da On vulnerable, scared and not willing to open up to others was the goal.
In the present timeline, why did he tell Su Hyeon about how close Da On is to Seong Hyeon? It was not out of understanding how Su Hyeon feels since they both like Da On. He wanted Su Hyeon to react badly, become more aggressive, and potentially hurt Seong Hyeon. Why? Because that would solve all his issues - Da On would push Seong Hyeon away to protect him from Su Hyeon, and hate Su Hyeon even more because of his behavior. That would leave Da On yet again alone and vulnerable, exactly how Jae Min wants him to be, so he can show up and be “good protecting hyung” saving him from the situation he himself orchestrated.
If I had to guess why he hurt Da On’s sister, I’d say he wanted to use that opportunity to get close to Da On again. Da On’s weakness is his family, especially his sister. Up till now, he did not reject Jae Min’s help because it was also helping his sister. They were in an awkward situation because of that confession and he needed a serious external factor that would force them to move away from it. He would show up as a savior to help his sister, help the person Da One cares about a lot, he wanted to create a situation where Da On would not be able to reject his help and “care”.
His goal is not to be with Da On, is to own him, isolate him from other people, and have control over his life. That’s why he was able to “be friends” instead of risking a relationship. Friendships are more stable, easier to control, easier to maintain. It’s all about pros and cons and calculations.
I think we can all agree he lacks empathy. Completely. He is remorseless and goal oriented with disregard of morality. He has no issue hurting Da On if that means he can keep him by his side. The more hurt Da On is, the easier it is to manipulate him cosplaying as a savior. He creates a dangerous situation and then shows up to solve it. He does not care who gets hurt as long as he achieves his goal.
And that leads us to him literally stabbing himself. Why? As a means of control and emotional manipulation. I am sure many heard stories of people threatening their partners that they will kill themselves if they leave. This is the case here. I will hurt myself so you feel bad, you feel guilty, you feel obligated to take care of me. He was backed into the wall when Da On confronted him about his schemes and pushed him away, so he went to extreme lengths to keep Da On by his side - even if it meant hurting himself. He did it to regain control over the situation. To force Da On to stay. It was not emotional breakdown, it was an emotionless cold calculation and manipulation.
So yeah, he is batshit crazy and if you do not understand him and his motivation, and see no logic behind his actions, that’s a good thing in real life 👍🏻
Episode 6 was so wild I've spent 3 hours writing character analysis: one for Da On, one for Jae Min and one for Su Hyeon. I needed to collect my thought, now I'm sharing my subjective take on them.
I understand a lot of people are frustrated with his “lack of action” and passiveness when interacting with Su Hyeon and how blind he was about Jae Min’s schemes. But let’s put that behavior in the larger context. Da On was neglected throughout his childhood - growing up with a father who was addicted to gambling and a passive mother who did nothing to help her family, as his sister said - just lying down crying. It’s obvious he did not receive much love and support as he was growing up. He did not have healthy relationships examples, hence for him it’s hard to judge what is good or bad, appropriate, real care and manipulation etc. No one knows what is right, you learn by experiencing it. If he never experienced real care, how would he know if what we receive is right or not?
For specific “relationships” Su Hyeon is not some random dude that showed up at Da On’s life and right away turned aggressive. He was his beloved hyung during university. They knew each other for 7-8 years. He liked him. From the flashbacks we can see he was pushy, borderline disregarding Da On’s feelings (the library scene with the ring would be a good example), but it was never aggressive in the past and knowing Da On liked him, it might even be seen as a possessive flirting. He was someone who protected Da On.But he was also someone Da On never thought he could have, since he was in a “relationship” with Jae Min. And then he was gone after that “beating up a guy” moment. Probaby without much explanation. He never got a real closure. He saw someone who was taking care of him almost kill a man, and then he was gone.
And now he is back all angry, aggressive, possessive and with so much actual power over Da On’s life. He is not someone you can just say: fuck off, because the consequences might be: you losing your job, you being completely blacklist from the industry you work in, someone getting serious hurt or even potentially killed. Su Hyeon is not some ugly ass bitch that hit on Da On in a bar, someone he can reject and move on with his life. Su Hyeon is someone with great social, economical and emotional power over Da On. So from Da On’s perspective, with his lack of support system in literally all areas of his life, all he can do is de-escalate while trying to keep Su Hyeon in check so he won’t cross the line too far. He was not completely passive, agreeing to each and all Su Hyeon’s requests and demands. He set as much of a boundary as he could at any given moments - sometimes it was telling him strict no when they were in public place and Su Hyeon could not hurt him, but sometimes when they were alone, it was being passive, because he knows how aggressive and fucking nuts Su Hyeon can be when he does not get what he wants.
And that’s why he did not try to push away Su Hyeon when he forced that kiss on him in the beginning of episode 6. Because the consequences might have been worse than said kiss. He is traumatized by Su Hyeon's past and current behavior. He cannot predict when he will lash out next time, and how it will end, It’s not a unique behavior. Many victims of sexual assault do not fight their abuser out of fear of the escalation of the situation. It’s still not their fault, they were still assaulted. Being passive out of fear is not consent.
Moving on to his “situationship” with Jae Min. Initially he might have been the one who Da On liked. I am honestly not sure if at first he just admired him, or he truly had a crush on him. But it also does not matter much. Jae Min was kind and helpful hyung who was the first person in his life that offered him help, who seemed more interested in just making sure he improves and is in a good place, than gaining anything from it (free tutoring being the case). By all means he was the tiny part of normalcy in Da On’s life. For the longest time the only friend. Jae Min is extremely good at hiding his true nature. There was no reason for Da On to suspect anything. But since Jae Min always treated Da On as just a friend, he moved on with his romantic feelings - and started to like Su Hyeon. From Da On’s perspective, not much happened or changed even when Jae Min was “dating” Su Hyeon. He still admired Jae Min, he was this constant part of his life. When something seemed wrong between Jae Min and Su Hyeon, he was on Jae Min’s side, even when he liked Su Hyeon. Jae Min was the good part of his life.
I can easily see how his feelings started to grow after Su Hyeon left. He was left with Jae Min and Jae Min alone in his life. And I’m sure Jae Min made sure it was the case for years. After what happened with Su Hyeon, I’m sure he made sure to not make the mistake of letting Da On get close to anyone else. So Jae Min was literally all Da On had. And he never did anything wrong. Not once. But maybe he did? It’s obvious he crossed the boundary Da On tried to set countless times. How Da On told him not to get involved with his family, and Jae Min kept doing that. And it made Da On feel so in debt and guilty. And that made him feel like he is connected to Jae Min even more. Jae Min And Da On had no one in his life to call Jae Min’s actions out. To question the validity of his “help” and the true goals he might have. To show Da On how sneaky and manipulative he is.
But also, even if someone did, I don’t think Da On would listen. Why? Because Jae Min was the only person in his life that cared for him, stayed with him, and did not leave. turning his back on Jae Min would mean being comp;letely alone, and being alone is fucking scary.
And that leads me to why Da On had no issue pushing Jae Min off of him when Jae Min kissed him - because he never, not once saw Jae Min being aggressive. He never feared him. He had no reason to think pushing Jae Min away might put him or someone else in danger. It’s not like Da On did not push away Su Hyeon coz he liked the kiss, and Da On coz he did not. He just felt more safe to react in one situation compared to the other.
And then we have Seong Hyeon who showed up and Da On was “confronted” with what true selflessness means, true care and genuine feelings. And that’s when he slowly started to see that what was between him and Su Hyeon and him and Jae Min was just wrong. That’s when he started to set boundaries. That’s when he for the first time told Jae Min “no”. Because he experienced what a healthy friendship/relationship should be like. BUT you cannot just change your personality in one day. The bad habits and the passiveness caused by neglect, manipulation and trauma does not go away just because you were confronted with them. He takes tiny steps to improve his situation, but also himself. He falls back into bad coping mechanisms out of fear. Because change and healing takes time.
And that’s why he tries to push Seong Hyeon away, because at the moment it is the only way he knows how to protect him. He does not understand quite yet that Seong Hyeon truly likes him. He does not want him to be hurt, simply coz he feels pity for Da On and wants to help him. So he willingly locks himself in the cage with the abuser, and leaves Seong Hyeon safe, outside of it. He is yet to understand that he could lock the abuser, while stepping out of the cage himself. Tho from the end of episode 6, we might see actual progress in that area so yey!
Anyway, Da On is a dude that experienced a lot of trauma and neglect, had no examples of healthy relationships in his life, had all the burden of supporting himself and also worrying about his sister. He was a young guy who, as far as I see it, was groomed by two influential seniors into an easily manipulated and put in place possession. He was in that cage for years (7+, with Jae Min probably longer since they met when Da On was still preparing for university). You cannot heal, move on and set strict boundaries in a day. I honestly think he actually does so much better in this situation than the MAJORITY of people would. No matter how I see him, I do not think he is weak. The fact he did not break down yet for me proves he is strong. He just needs some guidance, be confronted with good experiences and behaviors to see how bad his situation is, so he can make a conscious choice to leave.
In hell we’ll meet, tortured by the past.
I have such conflicting feelings about this drama. I loved and hated exactly the same aspects of the writing.
This is not a fun romance with excitement and angst delivered by the war context. This is not “Descendants of the Sun” with no real stakes. People die here, painful and tragic deaths. There are real consequences the characters need to face, the traumas are not magically healed. It’s heavy, it's painful. It’s real.
As much as it is a love story, I think the central part of it is the trauma. From a psychological point of view, they did a lot of this right, starting from the diagnosis and ending on the conclusion. Traumatic experiences do not always only lead to PTSD. Sometimes you might end up with anxiety, depression, OCD. So not labeling every character with PTSD was great. Different people will react to situations differently.
Song Ran became depressed, Li Zan who was by all means no cut for the job in the military, ended up with severe PTSD. Benjamin who from a young age led a rather hard life was able to require a lot of emotional resilience and handled the emotional pain in the most healthy way. Sa Xin who lost his mother spiraled into anger and need for justice and revenge.
What's more, I do appreciate how with Li Zan case, they show psychological issues can heavily impact your recovery from physical injuries too. How scary the process of recovery is. How, while taking the first step is the key, it's not the end of it all. Even after seeing the psychiatrist he was still hesitant. He did not follow up. He claims to be better. He kept lying to himself and to others. So sometimes it's easier to convince yourself you are getting better and you can push through it by yourself. Fooling yourself you are stronger than you truly are.
Then we had Song Ran - what a great portrayal of depression and anxiety. How from the outside she might have seemed fine, but we as viewers saw how she was not, how she was honestly barely holding up at times. I love how they didn’t show depression as this 1:0 idea - you are either completely dysfunctional, or fine. With depression you can also have good days, you can be happy, smile.
What’s so tragic for me is - this is a love story that should have not happened for Song Ran’s sake. She could have healed from her depression, she could have gotten better, if it was not for Li Zan constantly re-traumatizing her with his actions. Li Zan was such a great and complex character.
I could write a whole essay just about him. A man that had skill that could save many people, but also no psychological advantages and strengths required to do the job. I love how this drama shows good intentions do not mean good results. How traits we see as good: empathy, selflessness, compassion, in extreme situations can be a person's biggest flaws. Li Zan has a savior complex and there was no good way out of the situation he was in. Not going to Easter Country would eat him alive from the grief and guilt of not helping when he can. Going back to Easter Country means getting more traumas on top of the ones he did not heal from. He hurt himself, he hurt people he loved, but he also saved so many lives. But no matter the choice, he would be feeling guilty and that feeling would slowly kill him. It’s a tragic story that could not have a happy ending.
I know there are different opinions about the ending, but for me it’s rather clear him and Song committed suicide. He understood she would never leave him alone. She understood he will never get better. They decided to be together till the end. And they decided when the end will happen. From the scene of them talking about reincarnation, to the narrated goodbye letter to the parents, not once showing them interact with anyone after it was written. Even the oversaturated editing that made them glow in the last scene - that’s the tragic ending I think the majority of us knew will happen, even if we wanted to live in denial till the end.
At the same time at some point I was getting tired with how "realistic" the drama was. Yes, the recovery from any psychological issue is a whole journey, but this is a show... it has to be presented in a way that reflects reality WHILE keeping the viewers engaged and not exhausted. We are running in circles with little to no development. The message was clear, but they still hammered it over and over again.
The repetitiveness at some point crossed the line from - that's how life works, to - well now I don;’t feel as emotionally impacted by what I’m seeing, because I saw more or less the exact same scene in this show five times already.
It kind of starts to feel like a trauma porn... no balance of anything. There are no ups and downs. It's just down, down.... and a bit more down until we are in a fucking hell of traumas and mental disorders and bad news and no happiness and no rays of hope. Especially on Zan’s part. Song at least vented her sadness to him, and he just took it all in, when he couldn’t even handle his own feelings, not to mention help others dealing with theirs. He was emotionally overworked and it's exhausting to watch.
I am aware that the drama truly showed just glimpses of how bad a real war is. This is nothing compared to reality. But this is not reality. This is not a documentary. I do think that it’s a valid criticism of how far they tried to make the audience feel sad and bad. A Perfect example was Ben’s death which was extremely unnecessary. What was the point of killing Ben? What did it bring to the story? To the message? Other than dumping more trauma onto the viewers? Especially with how they set it up with Ben’s talks about how he found a new family in his friends, how he felt more grounded and alive than ever before. Scenes of his plans to start over and get a degree in journalism. They did everything they could to make Ben’s death feel as tragic and painful as it could get, and I do not understand why. It’s just dumping trauma for the sake of trauma alone.
Moving on from the sadness into more happy/good aspects: I cannot ignore the bromance between Ben and Sa Xin. I honestly went crazy for these two. By all means they followed so many dynamics of a typical straight secondary couple. They shared such a profound connection and care for each other, it was hard not to want something more from them. The writing team did all they could to include as much of them as possible, by passing the censorship by giving Ben a “romantic interest” that got barely any screen time or depth. I will die on this hill - Dr. Pei existed just to pass the censorship.
Now, I need to talk about the performances. I want to be clear - the whole main cast did a stellar job with their portrayal, but Chen Zhe Yuan delivered probaby the best performance of his life and everyone else just faded into background. I am speechless. I knew he was good, I did not know he was this good. I don’t even know how to express how impressed I am by each and every scene he delivered. How much Li Zan changed as the character, how well Zhe Yuan was able to transition from this confident man to a shell of his past self. How you could feel the silent pain when he was trying to hold it all in, and the raging despair when he was breaking down thinking Song was hurt and dead. Be it subtle representation of extreme emotions, or completely uncontrolled misery - he did not waste one second of his screen time.
On the other hand… the way the poor dubbing and acting of the majority of foreigners often completely took me out of the scene I was watching was simply disappointing. such a high quality of drama and production, with such a low quality of casting for guest and bits parts.
Then we have the soundtrack. I am not a person that pays that much attention to the music in dramas and music unless it’s extremely good, or extremely bad. Here the extremely good fits perfectly. Some of my favorite songs were: Ignite Me On Fire, Into the Pieces, Find My Way Back to Life, Home. As a whole the OST is an easy 10/10 (except for that do re mi fa sol la song, I cannot with that chorus, it should not exist).
For the production - impressive. The fighting scenes were well choreographed and it made sense there were not that many of them - no one has hand to hand combat during wars, they use guns. The explosions were surprisingly well produced too. We know how off Chinese dramas can get with their CGI and special effects, so I’m glad they put quite a lot of effort to make it good here. What’s more? Really well done prosthetic make up for Zan’s fingers. I was curious if they would just cleverly use angles or make him hide in hand all the time, and I was surprised they actually made the effort to show us how it looks, and also make it look realistic.
Overall, this was for sure a journey. Emotional and tragic one. Maybe a bit too tragic on the delivery. At some point I felt like the tragic scenes were not even said, because they did not make much sense plot wise. Maybe if the show was a little bit shorter - 30 episodes would probably be enough to present the same story with the same impact, but less repetitiveness. As human beings we get desensitized after being exposed to the same thing over and over again, and the writers did not take that into consideration when planning how to present the plot.
I am so impressed and speechless with how well they craft Ben and Sa Xin scenes. They make it so fucking obvious there is a thing between them, but leave just enough deniability so it will pass the censorship.
When they were talking about commitment? FUCKING MASTERPIECE!
The way they were talking about how Ben cannot offer anything more than money to her. And Sa Xin confronts him that money is not what she wants, she wants commitment. To which Ben says that's one thing he cannot give, taking into consideration his situation.
And that's where the conversation shifts. Initially I still thought Sa Xin was talking from the perspective of Ben and Dr Pei:
"Is that so? You knew Dr. Pei wouldn't come, yet you still waited here alone until closing time."
But then...
"You knew joining the special force wouldn't pay well, and you could die at any time, yet you still stayed and became the captain. You never promised Rina to take care of me, yet every time we go on a mission, you shield me from danger, fearing that I might die before you. Tell me, what are all these?"
When did Ben decide to stay in the military? Why did it match exactly the time Rina died, and Sa Xin decided to join? The whole second part of that conversation was not about his commitment to Dr Pei, not even his commitment overall - it was specifically about his commitment to Sa Xin and keeping him safe 😭
His commitment to Dr. Pei is waiting for her for a few hours at the bar.
His commitment towards Sa Xin is literally being okay with dying to protect him.
The way this whole scene was presented from my delulu perspective:
Sa Xin waiting for Ben outside of the bar all these hours screams: wanting his crush to be happy, but also wanting to make sure he does not get hurt. The way he said he would leave if Dr. Pei showed up is basically saying - I can give you up for the person that will treat you better than I do. Another thing - him pointing out how Ben likes Dr. Pei because he waited for her in that bar, while he waited outside of that bar for Ben. Seems like he is admitting to something 🙂
Ben was honestly surprised by Sa Xin outside of the door. He told him he trusts him, but it seems like he now starts to feel like it’s not just him protecting Sa Xin, but also Sa Xin helping and protecting him. Sa Xin shows more of his mature sides, makes Ben confront his past and reflect on his current feelings. The way he called him out on “not being a man who is committed”, by pointing out all the ways he was committed to Sa Xin. I fucking cannot. Ben just gives me a strong: I have a crush on Dr. Pei, but I LOVE Sa Xin, but I also do not want to admit I love Sa Xin, so I'm fooling myself into getting more into Dr. Pei. But when I'm with the two of them, my eyes will tell you the truth.
LIKE SA XIN LITERALLY SAID THAT BEN IS A MAN WHO SAYS ONE THING BUT DOES THE OTHER. And the whole conversation pointed out how his actions are more true and reliable than his words. He keeps saying he likes Dr. Pei, but his eyes follow Sa Xin everywhere, even when he is with Dr. Pei.
He keeps teasing Sa Xin to see if Sa Xin cares. And when it seems like he does not anymore (like when he just left the bar right away when Ben told him Dr. Pei can help him back) he gets disappointed.
