Thank you Conor Oberst for being the soundtrack to my breakdown
I hope this is the last time I do this, because it’s getting harder with each attack.
I found my first YouTube video. At the impressionable age of 13, I made an achievement guide. Filled with excitement, I released it to the world. I felt alive in those few minutes.
Though, I may romanticise that singular moment, I feel that event is what has defined me. I had big dreams for myself; a dreamer through and through.
At that young age, I loved the dark; from all things macabre, to the early hours of the morning. Even as I sit here at 4am, I still feel attached to dark skies, lit up by the cosmos.
Thoughts have been haunting me tonight and it feels once again, my melancholy has won.
Am I a 21 year old fuck up?
I know, I’m still young; there’s so much of my life left, but my mind is fixed on this question.
For the past 3 years I’ve played it safe. Never pushing myself, or finding challenge. Just existing.
I can’t be safe anymore; I can’t hate myself anymore; I can’t ignore my depression anymore; I can’t hide in the dark anymore.
I’m anxious, I’m a wreck, but no one has gotten anywhere by crying themselves to victory.
To everyone that has been friends with me at some point, through my early teenage years until now, thank you. I want you to know I love you and I hope that you are doing well.
In 2 years, on the 10 year anniversary of that very first video, I hope I can finally look back and feel that although I’ve had a shaky path to achievement, I’m in a better place for it.
I want that child to know he’s going to be okay.
To everyone I’ve fallen out of contact with, if you have read this, thank you for taking the time. We should speak again, I’m sorry conversation ended.
origamiaround
ellievsbear
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