This is the last second chance

[operation-canada]

You would think Canadians are all tough and shit when it comes to the cold but I literally just heard my next door neighbor screaming in fear when they saw the first snowflakes falling out of the sky.

[1989wwonderland]

can i just say how much i love canadians.

[thelastsecondchance-blog]

BECAUSE ONCE IT BEGINS IT NEVER ENDS.

[thelastsecondchance-blog]

I blocked this guy on my phone, Snapchat, and Instagram because I’m so sick of his bullshit and I’m sick of being worried of seeing something I don’t want to see every time I open any social media.

Then I had a nap and maybe rethought it but didn’t realize that blocking someone from Instagram means you force each other to unfollow each other forever.

So either I leave it like this or I re-follow him and let him get a notification that I followed him again, thereby letting him know I unfollowed him in the first place...

I was not ready for this! I didn’t want to get rid of him all together. I just wanted to spend a few days or weeks away from his social media so i could properly get over him. I still wanted him to be able to see my posts! I didn’t want to force him to unfollow me! I didn’t want him to know anything was different! And I didn’t want to fucking cut off our mutual follow forever.

If I wanted to unfollow him forever I’d just unfollow him, you know!? I should be able to block him temporarily til I’m ok with seeing his posts again, right!?

I guess blocking is for harassment and shit but if you unblock someone it should go back to normal not unfollow someone forever!!!!!! That’s what unfollowing is for! Isn’t there an ex-boyfriend setting!? A person-I-don’t-want-to-completely-unfollow-forever-but-can’t-really-deal-with-seeing-right-now setting!?!?! Come on. Now I have to just lean into it and block him from everything else. It would probably do me good but fuck. I’m sad.

[thelastsecondchance-blog]

What is happening!? I was upset with this dude and I really don’t think we should be talking anymore anyway so I was all “I’m just gonna ignore his ass forever” but he hasn’t even tried to speak to me in over a week and it’s like I’m desperate for him to text me now just so I can start ignoring him. It doesn’t count as ignoring him if he doesn’t even know I’m ignoring him! Come on, man, I’m trying to make a point here.

[thelastsecondchance-blog]

Ok I get that “aside from the cheating he’s a perfect boyfriend” is a bit of a problematic sentiment but it’s kinda true and it pisses me off. Obviously being a total fucking snake negates the whole perfect boyfriend thing but it’s really just this one horrible thing she may never learn about amid a sea of presents and dinners and weekend road trips and declarations of love on social media. Aside from the fact that he pretty consistently sexts me and has talked about meeting up and actually physically cheating on the girl, he treats her like a queen. It’s like learning the neighbourhood’s perfect wholesome family man is keeping bodies in the basement. 

It actually really annoys me that he’s not an asshole to her in other ways. I feel like most people who cheat on their girlfriends have some sort of tell; they’re all-around douchebags to begin with so it’s not hard to see cheating coming down the pipe. But he’s ostensibly a saint, she’s not gonna find out that he isn’t what he seems, and they’re gonna stay together for who knows how long. I know I wouldn’t break up with a dude who treated me how he treats her. If he were a neglectful dick, or treated her like dirt even in the slightest I’d be confident that she’d eventually dump him and I could just sit back and wait for that to happen, but he’s giving her no reason at all to think he isn’t the perfect boyfriend.

I think it also pisses me off that he just expects me not to say anything. I could so easily blow up his relationship with a few screenshots but he assumes I won’t, and I guess he’s right. I think she deserves to know but I don’t think it’s my place to tell her. It wouldn’t really accomplish anything, anyway. She’d probably break up with him and he’d never speak to me again. Or they’d work through it and he’d never speak to me again.

Obviously a selfish ho over here. Before he started dating her, he and I had a thing and I had feelings for him which were perfectly innocent and totally legal and I can’t just turn that off, so yeah I still enjoy attention from him. I don’t want him never speaking to me again because I ruined his relationship. I’m weak and stupid and a home wrecker and this whole situation is stressing me the fuck out 24/7 and I genuinely don’t know what to do. I should stop talking to him but I don’t fucking want to. It’s not my responsibility to reign in someone else’s cheating dickhead boyfriend. I don’t have to be a moral compass and do ~the right thing~ for everyone else’s sake. I’m human and allowed to enjoy attention from someone I had real feelings for, and I’m allowed to live a complicated life! FUCK.

[thelastsecondchance-blog]

Ew, I just have to sit around and feel this feeling? I don’t even know what this feeling is! I’m sad that this guy I like has a girlfriend now but what do I want to happen? 

He and I are in no way actually compatible. Being with him wouldn’t make any sense and I don’t know if it would make me happy. I’d like to think so, for a while, but he definitely wouldn’t be a long term type of relationship for me. I don’t want him to break up with his girlfriend who is actually good for him, just to be with me, who wouldn’t make him happy. I don’t want him like that. But I do still have feelings for him that are currently manifesting themselves in bouts of total despair, or blind rage. Why not me? You should choose me. Proceed to cry for 20 minutes. Repeat about 5-15 times per day. Except he so obviously shouldn’t choose me, and I don’t want him to. My heart hasn’t caught up with my head on this one yet. Unfortunately, the only way out is through. I just have to feel this heartbreaky feeling for a guy I never even dated and don’t even want to date until the feeling goes away. It doesn’t seem fair. I know I should be over him, I want to be over him, but I still want him, I’m still lonely without him, I, apparently, still have to feel like utter shit for a while. I’m being punished for nothing. I didn’t fucking do anything to deserve this feeling. Heartbreak is such bullshit.

I’m also having a dumb crisis of self. It’s not just about him not choosing me; it’s how effortless it was with her. They just met (in a different country btw. who the fuck goes on vacation and meets someone who lives like 10 minutes away from you back home? who.) and liked each other and he pursued her and now they’re dating. It has never happened like that for me. Nobody has just decided to go after me and thought I was good enough to be with. It was so fucking simple for them. All my romantic relationships are always surrounded by so much confusing bullshit and they never work out and I’m so envious that it was so simple for her. This guy wanted her and she wanted him and now she’s his girlfriend. No bullshit. Nobody has even been that sure about me. She’s so fucking lucky

Ugh. The last time I had to get over someone it took 4 months of actively not talking to him to finally do it. 4 months of resisting the urge to text him EVERY DAY. I don’t know if I have 4 months of ignoring this guy in me, but my only other option is to stick around and pine for him til he fucking marries this girl then throw myself off something very tall. The only way out is through. 

[rachelhilbertdaily]

BACK @ IT 🌻💕

[thelastsecondchance-blog]

Ugh Day 8 no alcohol.

I’ve given up drinking for September as an experiment or whatever. If I’d known how long 30 days actually was, or how slow days go when you can’t end them with a bottle of wine, I probably wouldn’t have even started this. But it’s gonna be good for me, I guess. 

I thought I’d be over the hump by now but I’m still pretty desperate for a drink. I really don’t want to feel this way for another 22 days. I’m super irritable and anxious and everything is really boring. And I’ve totally replaced alcohol with Coke Zero which is probably only damaging me in a different way. I’m hoping to wean myself off the Coke as well by around week 3, then end the month with a 7 day teatox that I bought a few months ago but never really kept up with because I was drinking too much alcohol to be consistent with it. I still have enough teabags left for a week.

On the plus side I think my emotions are leveling out, and I have more energy and mental focus. However, that energy is kinda manifesting itself as a very anxious feeling and I don’t really have much to focus my mind on right now. I’ll see where it all goes! Drying out is bound to have some emotional and mental consequences.

I’m hoping my body might show a difference too. I’m working out more, and giving up all those alcohol calories should get me somewhere body-wise. Honestly just giving up alcohol, if I eat normally, should give me a loss of 4-5 pounds this month. Meaning if I exercise to lose 1 pound a week and just stay away from alcohol for another pound a week I’ll be down 8-10 pounds this month. That’s nuts! And really what I’m focusing on right now. Being 10 pounds lighter at the end of the month would be an amazing outcome! I have a few items of clothing I’m hoping I’ll be able to fit back into in October that are just a feeeeew inches too small right now. 

I just have to keep my head down and fucking do it. I just can’t deal with how many more days I have left right now! It’s been the longest 8 days of my damn life and now I have a full week before I’m even halfway done!? It’s like when you space out on the treadmill and you think “woah I must be so far by now!” but you look down and you’ve only gone like .2 of a mile since you last checked. Ugh. But time will pass regardless! I have to remember that. Whether I’m doing this or not, September will be over in 22 more days. Time will not stand still so I may as well finish what I started. The month WILL END.

My best friend is doing this with me but she already had a “cheat day” for her mom’s birthday, and she smokes weed all the time too, which apparently she’d doing more of since she’s not drinking. I dunno. It’s not really a sober September if you’re getting high every day. And it’s not really a big challenge if you’re gonna implement random cheat days when the urge to drink is overwhelming. She said I could have a cheat day too which I kinda fucking desperately want to do but I think my desire to have gotten through 30 full days without a drop of alcohol is stronger than my desire to drink right now. Her accomplishment will have several asterisks by it but mine will be unsullied. Total sobriety for a full month!

Can’t wait for the halfway mark! I think it’ll all become easier when more days have passed than days I have to complete. I will be so fucking proud of myself when this is done! 22 more days! Ahhhhh!

[thelastsecondchance-blog]

I had men coming outta my ears this weekend. I’ve been in such a dry spell this year and it’s been really bumming me out but damn this weekend put me in a good mood! The highlights are as follows: 

A friend of a friend I’d met once before was at the bar I was at on Friday. I thought he was just a nice, kinda dorky dude who has no idea how cute he is and probably wouldn’t make a move because he’s too nice but I was wrooooooong! So wrong. The man can throw down. It was a really nice surprise. We parked in an alleyway and did it in his car but he’s so cute and respectful it didn’t even seem as sleazy as it sounds. We stayed out all night and he was super affectionate the whole time. Great night!

I woke up the next day to a message from a guy I went on a few dates with earlier this year. I was pretty into him but he just sorta stopped talking to me for no reason, which was hurtful and confusing because we had a good time together (and, not to be a shallow bitch, but I’m like a thousand times hotter than him? Looks don’t matter that much to me but there was an obvious, objective discrepancy. Sorry.) Anyway, he was all ‘we should grab a drink’ and I told him I’d let him know, but I had such a busy weekend I didn’t have time...and I don’t think I had the desire either. Why now? I liked him at the time but not enough to give him a second chance 4 months after he ignored me. The point is: having him break the silence and want to see me again makes me feel good, and I feel better about the fact that he totally shunned me before.

Furthermore, a man I was crazy in love with for 6 fucking years and who made me miserable and broke my heart a thousand times who I haven’t seen in over a year but who I recently started talking to again seems to still be into me. He’s said quite a few things recently that make me wonder if he wants to start up again. And I got a random good morning text from him today which is sweet but also like WHY? I don’t have feelings for him anymore! At all! Me from 3 years ago would fuckin’ SLAP me today for being totally indifferent towards this guy and for rejecting his advances. But that’s growth, 3 years ago me, and one day you’ll be relieved to not have him around, and not really care that you already have plans on days he wants to hang out, and you won’t get super resentful toward your friends or obligations for keeping him from you, and you will shrug it off when he cancels on you, and you will see other men as actual viable human beings instead of just placeholders who aren’t him and could never make you happy. Anyway, I don’t know if he wants to be friends or more than friends but he seems to be back in my life so that’s interesting.

I was also texting a guy I met on the internet who I may be interested in, and trying to weasel out of seeing a guy I met on the internet I’m definitely not interested in so IT WAS A BIG WEEKEND.

[thelastsecondchance-blog]

Woah today was some bullshit and social media is some bullshit.

My friend had people over to swim in her pool and didn’t invite me, and other friends went to the beach and didn’t invite me even though we were talking about that YESTERDAY and I was talking to that bitch THIS MORNING.

Like, OH yeah I’ll do that thing you asked me to do this morning but don’t invite me to the thing you’re doing later that we talked about doing yesterday. 

WHAT THE FUUUUCK. I’m actually so mad about it.

[thelastsecondchance-blog]

Apparently that dude my friend and I met online and were both talking to is no longer speaking to either one of us. We never talked about him because she knew she was being shady as fuck by seeing him so I never knew what was going on with them but I saw her texting him once, and then she added him on Facebook so I guess they were more serious than he and I were. But that was also the beginning of the end.

Once he found out she and I knew each other he got all weird with me, then quit texting me altogether. I figured he did that more because he wanted to continue to see her and decided that cutting me out was the smart thing to do. I thought he chose her. That while he was ignoring my texts he was continuing to see her. But I guess not. I overheard her telling another friend yesterday that their thing just kinda faded away, which is totally the face-saving way of saying he stopped texting her out of nowhere and she has no idea why.

Anyway, I know it’s bitchy to be happy they’re done but fuck it! I’m happy it’s over. I was pissed at her for going after him in the first place when she knew I liked him, and pissed at her when I found out she was still seeing him without telling me, and super jealous when I assumed he had chosen her over me, and dreading the day I’d show up somewhere and they’d be together there and I’d have to like...pretend everything was fine and I didn’t fucking hate them both. Now it’s a non-issue! Wooo! We can both go on to meet guys the other one doesn’t know and not ruin our friendship over some rat bastard coward who ignores his problems. Like, what a bastard.

[vintagesaltbackup]

[thelastsecondchance-blog]

oh my god this woman on Four Weddings had an ~Asian Inspired~ wedding and it was the most racist thing I’ve ever seen. Everything was decorated with paper fans and chopsticks, she served Chinese food, and had white waitresses dressed up as geishas...

[beauteousrachel]

Victoria’s Secrets Spring Break PINK Party in Miami (14-03-15)

[meesterdaily]

[moreylane]

[thelastsecondchance-blog]

Uhhhhh I had a dream about that internet dude and now I care. Like I was forcing myself not to care in a big way because the whole situation is humiliating but my fucking subconscious wants me to face it like a meddling little skank. 

[gobblechopstv]