Up and Adam: The Dignity of Risk (a Camp Here and There analysis)
I will start this post by saying that no, I donât think Adam and Sydneyâs relationship is healthy. I think itâs toxic, manipulative, and that Adam is taking advantage of Sydney. ⊠that said, I also believe that Sydney is a consenting adult who can make his own decisions, regardless of what we think of those decisions.
To begin, what is the dignity of risk? At its core, the dignity of risk is the idea that everyone should have the ability to control what they do with their lives, even if itâs harmful to themselves. Itâs been especially important in topics of disability justice (where caregivers may try to prevent disabled people from indulging in âunhealthy habitsâ) and Mad pride/psychiatric liberation (as people who are Mad are often forcibly drugged, incarcerated, and barred from accessing their coping mechanisms). It is often used in the context of caregiversâ control over people with intellectual disabilities.
TLDR; everything in life has a risk. Who are we to decide for someone whatâs an âappropriateâ risk?
SO. How does this apply to Sydney and Adam?
Sydney October Sargent is a man struggling with many things, most notably chronic pain/physical disability, PTSD, and BPD. Sydney has been implied (episode 59) and outright stated (via word of god) to have sexual trauma. This colors how he sees the world, such as his tirade against Joshua in episode 59:
Fair? Fair? You want to talk about fair? Is it fair that I canât just exist without someone trying to drink me dry? Is it fair that every man who claims to care about me just wants to peel back my skin?
He automatically assumes that every man who âlovesâ him is just looking for a way to take advantage of him. So he goes to Adam, not because he believes Adam is better, but because he believes itâs easier to deal with harm when you expect it. When you seek it out. When you consent. Adam and Sydneyâs relationship is Sydneyâs best path to catharsis.
In episode 52, Adam prepares to drink Sydneyâs blood and he says âIt must be your choice, Sydney.â This is repeated: he asks for Sydneyâs permission to harm him, over and over again. From Jedidiahâs perspective, this is horrifying. His lover is self-destructing to the point of allowing his eyeball to be scooped out with a grapefruit spoon. But thatâs the thing: Sydney is allowing it. He sees Jedidiah as neglectful and cagey, so he goes to Adam for affection, attention, and autonomy. Jedidiah doesnât let Sydney hurt himself. He doesnât let him do a lot of things (out of a sense of protectiveness). Adam Sydney him that whatever he wants, itâs okay. And what Sydney wants is autonomy. He wants control over his own un-life, and he thinks he has that with Adam, who tells him that itâs his choice to be hurt, that he can decide to kill himself. And for someone who has never had thatâwho never had a choice in his death or in his life, who has been taken advantage of and mistreated and neglectedâthatâs all he wants.
He wants attention, and not in a bad way (I hate the societal implications behind the words âattention seekingâ). He craves connection and validation, which he isnât getting from Jedidiah, despite what Jedidiah has done to him and for him.
Sydney sees Jedidiah as neglectful; he is the malnutrition behind the food (the sauce packets Sydney would have to eat as a child), he is the starvation behind the love for a pet (fruity the fruit fly). And Iâm not here to say that Jedidiah is a bad person (thatâs not the point of this post), but heâs not what Sydney wants him to be. Because Sydney wants more than just to be loved. He wants autonomy too. And he has very, very complex feelings on how to deal with that, but itâs ultimately why he seeks out harm in a controlled environment like Adamâs office.
At the end up file 52, after Sydney has a flashback and Adam drinks his blood, Sydney says âIâve never felt so alive!â. Despite the fact that he was brought back from the dead, despite the fact that it was Jedidiah who gave him âlifeâ, that isnât what Sydney seeks. Jedidiah wants him to be alive. Sydney wants to feel alive.
All that to say, Sydney has his reasons for going to Adam. Itâs toxic, damaging, unhealthy, etc., but it is consensual, and Sydneyâs not used to that.
The dignity of risk isnât just about letting disabled people do normal human things. Itâs also about understanding why we all choose to do them, and respecting our decisions. While eye mutilation is more extreme than, say, smoking a cigarette, we also must understand that the eyeball scooping isnât a real thing happening to a real person. Itâs a fictional representation of a self-destructive relationship between a traumatized man and the person he thinks can free him.
