I dont remember the last time i posted.
2019 has been...strange and sad and happy at the same time. My mom had been in the hospital since fall 2018. Sad. My mom got out of the hospital after nearly 6 months. Happy. Girlfriends grandmother had fallen in her house and was getting sick so she had to be hospitalized. Sad. My partner and i moved into a house. Happy. Her grandmother was moving into an assisted living facility and were moving into her grandmothers house to watch over it. Sad. My dad had heart attack. Sad. Her mom and boyfriend got married. Happy. Her grandmothers illness was getting worse. Sad. We got engaged! Happy! My brother fell on hard times and our house seemed like the best bet. Sad. Her grandmother passed. Sad. We made a plan for him to fix his budget and he refused our help. Strange. He said he couldnt pay rent and had to move back on with our parents. Strange and frustrating. (Family is complicated as fuck.) My uncle just passed away. Sad.
Maybe this is a dumb post. Maybe im an idiot. But honestly. This has been a weird fucking year. And idk how to take it. Good things and terrible things have happened. Maybe that happens all the time and i never notice. But at this moment its hard to deal with all thats happened. Its alot coming in. Ive had a few friends dissapear. I just like coming home to my fiance and dogs and watching tv or youtube. I dont like going out. But maybe thats my fault cuz im so antisocial. Idk. But maybe we werent all that close in the first place. It sucks to see the longtime friendships just evaporate in front of your eyes. Its a hard feeling to talk about your wedding party and not know who to rely on to pick.
Work fucking depresses me. Its a fucking great job. Good money. Great benefits. Full time. But its fucking soul sucking. What once was all about just making the customer happy has turned into what can you sell them. Constantly having managers breathing down your neck with how the last conversation with a customer went. The drama and bullshit politics within the location. Its too fucking much.
Job searching is the most stressful and emotional thing. I have terrible anxiety and the smallest thing puts me in a tailspin. The fact of leaving my stable job, because im unhappy is....not natual to me. Arent you supposed to be unhappy at a job? Isnt that why they call it work? Turns out. No. Which was a big shock to me. You can, in fact, have a career and still be in a good mental state. I mean. I have yet to experiance that for myself. But im hoping thats the case cuz im planning on finding a job that makes me not want to cry everyday. Problem is. Idk what the fuck to do. Idk what i even WANT to do. I want to do something where i feel i have purpose but not the slightest idea where that even begins. I dont wanna work sales. I want to help. People or animals or something. Something with projects not sales goals. Something to keep my mind occupied. And like i said. Anxiety while i figure that shit out.
My fiance and i are good tho. Solid. We bicker occasionally. But no biggy. Honestly, shes the greatest thing to ever happen to me. Makes me see the true positive sides of me that i never knew existed. Makes me smile even when i dont want to. Can bitch to her and shel give me honest advice and not the bullshit i wanna hear. Shes beautiful. Gorgeous in every way. Her eyes sparkle when she smiles. She squints her nose and tells me “nooooo stopppp” and acts all shy when i wink at her. Its the cutest fucking thing i swear to god. She makes me laugh, and just wants to hold my hand randomly. I didnt think love like that actually existed irl. Well maybe i did believe it existed but i certainly didnt think i deserved it. Or would get it in my lifetime. I like that we bicker. It keeps it real. Communication. Thats all it takes. If she pisses me off, shel hear about it and same with me. We both have had our share of yelling and apoligizing. If im bothered by something, she can tell. Shes my best friend and the only one i wanna tell the tea to when i have it.
No matter how the year. Im lucky af to have her. I love her. With my everything. I love her.
Heres to hoping the rest of the year wont fuck up. I guess? Idk what the fuck ive been rambling about. Just ignore me. Lmao.
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