The Mandy Project

I'm Mandy Stadtmiller (editor-at-large for xojane.com) and I'm putting the top 30 dating cliches of all time to the test as I search for the perfect Valentine's Day date.

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Dating Cliché 30: “Everyone should have a Valentine’s Day date.”

Steve just picked me up and we arrived at the spa. The most perfect valentine ever.

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HAPPY VALENTINES DAY!!

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Dating Cliché #29: “Be Busy.”

Challenge: Spend a day priming on yourself no matter what happens on February 14.

Getting ready for the big date!

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30 Dating Clichés defined and tested by Mandy Stadtmiller

These last four weeks have been insane.

Honestly, I've felt like I was going to go insane at certain points -- but what's that saying about brilliance being on the edge of madness? The Mandy Project achieved that for me because I met more men in a month than I ever have in my entire 39 years of existence on the planet. And you know what? It was a GREAT thing. I've never felt like so many very desirable possibilities were literally a date away on POF.

However, I've also learned that a lot of the traditional dating advice should be thrown into the garbage. DO NOT wait two days to contact him if you reach him. And as traditional as it is, I also think we can throw the "make the man pay for the first date" into the garbage as well. Even though that challenge worked out great, so did my experience with paying for the first date. It's 2015. Do you. But the most important rule is that you do really have to love yourself before you an love anyone else. That one is non-negotiable. It's the only way you'll find someone special, which I believe I have.

Cliché: 1: "Honesty is the best policy."

Challenge: Make a brutally honest online dating profile on POF Learning Point: Unfiltered selfies make for unfiltered dating.

Cliché: 2. "You never get a second chance to make a first impression."

Challenge: Hug strangers in Times Square, and ask them what their first impression of me is from that hug. Learning Point: Lead with confidence and it will follow the whole night through.

Cliché: 3: "You'll find him when you stop looking."

Challenge: Hand over my dating profile to a friend, and let them look through your matches. Learning Point: Not being able to see a man’s face leads to so much less judgement and more reflection.

Cliché: 4: "Everything happens for a reason."

Challenge: Reply to one of my “suitors” on POF and explain to them how everything in my life had led up to the moment when I read their message. Learning Point: Taking a radically different intro approach in online dating works.

Cliché: 5: "Love like you’ve never been hurt."

Challenge: Have a date where no matter what, I can't talk about exes or my past. Learning Point: I suck at leaving exes out of things. When I consciously try, not just the date is better – but my life is better, too.

Cliché: 6: "You should date a nice guy."

Challenge: Message a guy and ask him, “Would you consider yourself to be a nice guy? Give me several good examples why.” Learning Point: Nice guys are honestly the sexiest guys on earth.

Cliché: 7: "Opposites attract."

Challenge: Ask a guy out who is my opposite. Learning Point: Don’t let someone who is totally different than you scare you away from a new potentially life-changing experience.

Cliché: 8: "Never dress too sexy on a first date."

Challenge: Ask Instagram to pick my first date outfit in order to achieve just the right amount of sexiness. Learning Point: Go with classy-sexy not slutty-sexy.

Cliché: 9: "Trust your gut."

Challenge: Pick a guy based only on his profile picture and ask him out. Learning Point: Overthinking dating ruins dating.

Cliché: 10: "You have to date your type."

Challenge: Figure out what my type finally is – with a little help from a lot of New Yorkers. Learning Point: The only way to know what you want is to look deep inside.

Cliché: 11: "You have to love yourself before you can love anyone else."

Challenge: Do something to treat myself that I’ve never done before. Learning Point: If you take care of yourself then you're able to be your best self with other people.

Cliché: 12: "Never accept last minute dates."

Challenge: Don’t accept a last-minute date, unless social media thinks it's okay to do so. Learning Point: Screw the rules. Go out whenever you want.

Cliché: 13: "Be yourself."

Challenge: Go on the most genuine date ever. Learning Point: Authenticity leads to laughter leads to a really great date.

Cliché: 14: "You have to accept men exactly as they are."

Challenge: Watch the Super Bowl with a group of manly men being exactly as they are. Learning Point: I love men so hard, especially when they are being all manly men.

Cliché: 15: "Love should be easy."

Challenge: Go on a date and we have to agree with each other no matter what. Learning Point: Going with the flow is a choice.

Cliché: 16: "Don’t have sex until you’ve been on at least three dates."

Challenge: Message ten guys from POF to find out if this cliché is actually relevant. Learning Point: Only ever listen to your intuition when it comes to sex – because you’re the only person who matters in this decision.

Cliché: 17: "The two-day rule."

Challenge: Keep a diary of everything that I wanted to say to my date – while waiting two days before contacting him. Learning Point: Contact him while he’s still walking out the door if you want to. If a man likes you, he is going to like you.

Cliché: 18: "It’s a numbers game."

Challenge: Message as many guys from POF in one day as I could using the briefest messages possible — and see how many quality responses I got back. Learning Point: Being bold, fearless and concise is the only way to play it.

Cliché: 19: "Play hard to get."

Challenge: Create a scavenger hunt for your first date. Learning Point: It's okay to make them chase you. They like it.

Cliché: 20: "You have to put yourself out there."

Challenge: Walk around New York City with a sign that says, “I’m currently SINGLE." Learning Point: Humiliation leads to fearlessness leads to risk taking leads to amazing things happening.

Cliché: 21: "Don't kiss on a first date."

Challenge: Poll Twitter and find out if it’s okay to get intimate early on. Learning Point: Coyness and directness are equally great strategies.

Cliché: 22: "Love knows no age."

Challenge: Message 10 men older and 10 men younger than me on POF. Accept a date with one of them. Learning Point: Younger men are thirstier than the silver foxes – which is less attractive.

Cliché: 23: "A man should pay for a first date."

Challenge: Create an estimate of how much you’re going to spend for the evening and present to a man at the beginning of a date. Learning Point: It’s okay to expect and demand old-fashioned chivalry.

Cliché 24: "Make a man “engagement chicken” so he’ll fall in love."

Challenge: Bring a man engagement chicken on a first date. Learning Point: There is no quicker way to cut the ice than to give a man a chicken.

Cliché 25: "Avoid the topics of politics, money and religion on a first date."

Challenge: Create a conversational itinerary directing my date to every topic other than these three. Learning Point: Why steer clear of anything? You’re on the date; not the representative.

Cliché 26: "Don’t play games."

Challenge: Print out a list of relationship expectations and give it to a man on the first date.

Learning Point: There is nothing sexier than honesty.

Cliché 27: "Go after what you want."

Challenge: Pay for the date instead of expecting a man to do it.

Learning Point: Don’t be helpless.

Cliché 28: "There are plenty of fish in the sea."

Challenge: Ask out one of these “fish” in a big way for Valentine’s Day. Learning Point: You can't find your fish if you don't ask him out first.

Cliché 29: "Be busy."

Challenge: Spend a day primping on yourself – no matter what happens on Feb. 14. Learning Point: You’ll never be bummed or stressed when you treat life like a spa day.

Cliché 30: "Everyone should have a Valentine’s Day date."

Challenge: Go out and have the most celebratory V-Day ever. Learning Point: V-Day exists. Why deny it? Own it instead of letting it own you.

Special thanks to PlentyOffFish for helping me out with this crazy experiment. And thank you to YOU for following me on this adventure. 

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Steven has accepted my date, and classy guy that he is he has already booked us a dreamy relaxing spa getaway for the special day. I can't wait!

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Dating Cliché #28: "There's Plenty of Fish in the Sea."

 Challenge: Pick one of the many 'fish' that you've dated overthe past month and ask him to be your valentine. 

 This is it. It's time for me to put it all out there. This wholething start with me searching for perfect Valentine's Day date. There's been many quality guys on POF but in the end it was Steve the Helicopter guy who stole my heart. Sweet, kind, a true gentleman. 

 So what do you say, Steve? Will you be my valentine?

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Dating Cliché 26: Don't play games.

Dating Cliché 27: Go after what YOU want.

Challenge: Create a relationship checklist before going on a first date. 

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I LOVE THAT TARYN PUT HERSELF OUT THERE!!! She is down down down. And Mr. T is tight.

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Dating Cliché 25: Avoid the topics of politics, money and religion on a first date.

Challenge: Create a conversational itinerary directing my dateto every topic other than these three.

Steve, a hilarious teacher from POF, and I had a blast trying to avoid these topics on our date together. The results were, um, a little less than perfect. Which I think taught me more than anything else: Don't try to direct it. Just go on the damned date. 

Verdict: Talk about whatever the hell you want. Life is short, dudes.

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Dating Cliché 22: Love knows no age.

Challenge: Message 10 men older and 10 men younger than me on POF. Accept a date with one of them.

Dating Cliché 23: A man should pay for a first date.

Challenge: Create an estimate of how much you’re going to spend for the evening and present to a man at the beginning of a date.

Dating Cliché 24: Make a man “engagement chicken” so he’ll fall in love.

Challenge: Bring a man engagement chicken on a first date.

Okay this date was by far the most batsh*t crazy of all the dates I’ve done.

Valentine’s Day is almost here so I had three clichés to tackle all in one date. Which meant one lucky, lucky PlentyOfFish fellow got to be subjected to the crowd sourced psychological test tube that is The Mandy Project.

Enter Mike, a good-looking 43-year-old technical arts teacher, who I forewarned that this date was going to be a little off the charts in terms of ridiculousness.

Before the date I had to prepare (1) an engagement chicken and (2) an itemized inventory of what I projected the date would cost. So I was running late. Which is always good when you have a chicken in tow. “So sorry am like 15 minutes behind,” I texted. “Take your time,” Mike texted back. With a smiley face. I felt immediately at ease. This guy was not going to mock my chicken.

I did that thing – that very annoying thing and yet I did it anyway – where you text the person 1-minute by 1-minute incremental updates. “Leaving the house.” “Walking out the door.” “Stepping over a patch of ice.” “STILL WALKIN.”

His reply was always super nice and positive: “Great.” Smiley face. I cannot tell you how much this put me at ease. I smelled like chicken.

I arrived at The Commons, a coffee house in Chelsea where I have had about four different cursed dates so this date tonight was going to be the deciding factor in whether or not this place was just cursed forever or had some hope. Mike was cute just like his pictures. His eyes are kind and intelligent. He also looked like one of my cute high school teachers. Remember when they used to look so old? Anyway, I tucked my chicken discreetly next to me and we exchanged pleasantries that had nothing to do with poultry.

Then I busted it out. No, not the chicken. Like I said, this date: off the charts ridiculous, but kind of in a great way. No, what I busted out was my itemized inventory of what I projected the date to cost. Mike laughed and nodded and said, “Yep that’s about the average I would say. $60-$80. Sounds about right. I’m okay with that.” This guy? He is The Most Agreeable Dude Ever. For an overly stressed out Type A chick like me, can I tell you how nice it is to have a date with T-MADE? It’s super super nice.

Now I don’t know if you have a ready to bust out at a moment’s notice easy peasy conversational segue into, “I brought you a chicken,” but I do not.

“Have you ever heard of engagement chicken?” I asked Mike.

“No,” he said, looking slightly concerned.

And then I busted my chicken out.

Then I did what I do nowadays instead of having complex human interaction: I Googled “engagement chicken” and had him read the Wikipedia entry about how Beth Ostrosky cooked it for Howard Stern after reading about it in Glamour magazine.

“Is this the part where I’m supposed to propose to you?” Mike asked. There was a little gleam in his eyes. No worries, guys, it was totally a “I’m down with this chicken stunt” gleam. Not like a, “I’m about to call the PlentyOfFish police” gleam.

“How amazing would that be?” I responded.

Then we sat there awkwardly and looked at the chicken.

I have to say, if there’s one thing I’ve learned about men and dating via The Mandy Project it’s that every single tenet and precious rule you’ve held close should be tossed out the damned window.

Bring a chicken on your next date. Bring two. Bring a live pig. It don’t matter. Just do you, and if the guy is a rad guy, he will vibe with it, and the two of you are going to have a hilarious awesome date.

The Verdict: Older guys are still my favorite. A $60 tab is not going to sticker price shock any Manhattan guy anytime soon. Engagement chicken isn’t just for engagement season anymore.

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Dating Cliché 21: Don’t kiss on a first date.

Challenge: Poll Twitter and find out if it’s okay to get intimate early on.

Of all the parts of being close with a man, I think my favorite is the first kiss. It feels like magic when there’s chemistry there, and that feeling can stay with you an entire lifetime. (Although to be honest, now that I think about it, I seem to have blocked out a lot of the bad kissers from my memory and all I can remember are the good ones. So there’s a tip: BE A GREAT KISSER. Slow, passionate, gentle, meaningful, like a dance.)

But what about on a first date?

I’ve had several first dates on The Mandy Project but the only one where I let the guy get anywhere close to a first kiss was with Steven after our helicopter date. Still it was fairly chaste (but there were fireworks all the same).

I have a few more dates coming up this week, and now that basically all of Twitter has told me it’s okay to kiss on the first date I’m thinking that I’m a bit of a prude.

Verdict: The entire world seems to agree that we should be kissing on the first date (if we want to), and I agree that when the chemistry is off the charts to go for it, but only then.

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Dating Cliché 20: You have to put yourself out there.

Challenge: Walk around New York City with a sign that says, "I'm currently SINGLE", bonus points if you get a rapper to serenade you.

You know the old cliche "You have to put yourself out there"? Well look what happens when a single woman does exactly that -- walking around the busiest area in the entire United States wearing a sign that says, "I am currently single." These reactions are priceless.

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 Dating Cliché 19: Play hard to get.

Challenge: "Create a scavenger hunt for your first date."

I Made a Guy Go on a Scavenger Hunt to Find Me on a First Date

(The following article first appeared on xojane.com as part of the Sex/Love section on Friday Feb. 6, 2015.)

Read More

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Dating Cliché 18: It's a numbers game.

Challenge: Message as many guys from POF in one day as I could using the briefest messages possible -- and see how many quality responses I got back.

I Messaged 225 Men Just One Word From Their Online Dating Profile — And 73 Percent Replied

(The following article first appeared on xojane.com as part of the Sex/Love section on Thursday Feb. 5, 2015.)

Read more.

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Dating Cliché 17: The two-day rule.

Challenge: Keep a diary of everything that I wanted to say to my date – while waiting 2 days to before contacting him.

Did I tell you how on Cloud 9 I was after my date with Steve the helicopter adventurer man? Because I was. I’ve definitely been meeting other awesome guys (that MMA guy was sexy for sure) but it’s not very often that you go on a date with someone who brings you up for a view of all of New York City via helicopter.

It wasn’t just the date, though. It was the conversation and the ease with which I got along with Steven. He and I had so many points of reference in common (we both know several of the same New Yorkers and even with some comedians we had some overlap), and I could tell that unlike so many guys, he was enjoying the entire ridiculousness of The Mandy Project (or so I thought).

When I said goodbye to Steven, he got out of the car and we had a nice light kiss on the lips goodbye. That’s the kind of thing that makes my heart flutter, honestly. More than anything else. It’s those first moments of contact.

But, because I was testing out this cliché, I did not get in touch with him after we said goodbye. Instead I kept the following diary, which I emailed him once the two day-mark had passed.

Here is that diary:

4:50 p.m. Wednesday: Steven just dropped me off. I had so much fun. Silver fox. He texted me right after that he had a great time. I love that. So sweet and considerate. But I’m going to wait two days before I get back to him because you know, I’m a very busy person with many exciting things in my life happening.

7:20 p.m. Wednesday: Everything that I’m looking at around New York looks different after you’ve seen it in a helicopter. I wonder if Steven ever thinks that?

9:52 p.m. Wednesday: I just sent a few of my friends Steven’s picture. One of them wrote back, “Silver fox.” Great minds.

11:42 p.m. Wednesday: Steven said he was traveling. I hope he has a good trip. I hope he takes me to Cuba with him. That would be so incredible. He said he was picturing me in a bikini. Oh man. I cannot wait.

11:42 a.m. Thursday: I still have not written Steve. I’m still thinking about the date.

2:27 p.m. Thursday: I wonder what Steven’s diary would say if he kept one in the first two days with thoughts about me. I hope he liked what I wore. Maybe I should have people vote on outfits on my Instagram more often.

5:26 p.m. Thursday: I just made another date for this weekend. It’s not with Steven, obviously, because I haven’t even written him and he’s traveling. Maybe I shouldn’t show him this diary. It’s kind of bizarre. Maybe I should just write “Steven, Steven, Steven” over and over again with hearts. He does have a good sense of humor after all.

7:18 p.m. Thursday: I bet I would not be thinking about this guy if I wasn’t keeping this dumb diary.

9:17 p.m. Thursday: Only one more day to go. Thank freaking God.

11:56 p.m. Thursday: I’m definitely never keeping a two-days-after-a-first-date-diary again. I think I would have felt better if I just texted him right away honestly. What a dumb rule.

1:18 p.m. Friday: It’s almost been a full 48 hours since I saw Steven. Maybe I should watch the movie “48 hours” to pass the time. Do you know what makes people obsess? Clocks. Man, I am getting deep.

9:14 p.m. Friday: I made it, dudes. I’m going to return Steven’s text right now. How funny if he wrote back, “Who dis?”

Postscript: It took almost three days for me to hear back from Steve. He called me and told me he had never been given a 48-hour diary after a first date by a woman before.

Oh boy.

But it did take three whole days. He was really nice on the call, though, and I know he had been traveling to the Bahamas but still, I’m not sure.

Maybe he’s not as into me as I thought?

I’m torn between whether or not I should ask him out for Valentine’s Day or one of the other guys I’ve met (and I have a few more dates lined up this week).

Right now, he’s probably my top contender though. (If he’s into me, that is…)

My verdict: Don’t wait 48 hours. If you like him, let him know.

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Dating Cliché 16: Don't have sex until you've been on at least three dates.

Challenge: Message 10 guys from PlentyOfFish to find out if this cliché is actually relevant.

Oh boy is it FUN FUN FUN to constantly be telling men that you’re using them for a dating experiment. I’M SORRY, GUYS. Honestly -- I really am interested, I’m just you know, in this for the science, too.

I fully wrestled with how to best challenge today’s cliché without, you know, risking my chastity and all. After considering a lot of different options fairly thoroughly, I decided that an anonymous survey of guys seemed like the way to go. I went with the working premise (as you can see in the sample headline I gave the guys I messaged) that 7 out of 10 guys would think that you should wait at least three dates until you give up the cookie (as my boy Steve Harvey calls it).

Turns out: Only 5 out of 10 guys thought this! WHAT? This leaves me so conflicted.

I’ve cut and pasted a few of my favorite answers so you could see the messages in all their glory, and I’ve excerpted the other fascinating responses as well. 

1. DON’T WAIT THREE DATES: 

2. WAIT THREE DATES: 

3. WAIT THREE DATES: ""I like girls who wait. I don't even like it when girls want to kiss me right away."

4. WAIT THREE DATES: “I don't think about it as a numbers game. Each woman is different, each date is different. You don't know where the night will take you.

When she's pushing to sleep with me on the first date, I'm gonna sleep with her, but we might not date again depending on the girl.

If you wait too long and you like her but you're not compatible in bed, what are you supposed to do then?

I actually like to take my time with the woman I'm seeing. I like to kiss and to draw out the tension. There's no rush to get into bed, you just have to wait until that right moment and then it happens.”

5. WAIT THREE DATES: “I really don't want a girl who's going to hop right into bed with me. Maybe it's old fashioned but I want to set the pace and the mood, maybe after a couple weeks or so.”

6. DON’T WAIT THREE DATES: “I can't stand when you're talking to a woman and she's really flirtatious and forward, but then when you actually meet her, she's reserved and doesn't respond to you. The mixed messages are tough to interpret, just be yourself.”

7. DON’T WAIT THREE DATES: “Sleeping together on the first date is almost like getting it out of the way. A trial run. You have to find out if it works.”

8. DON’T WAIT THREE DATES: “Why would we want to wait?”

9. DON’T WAIT THREE DATES: “I used to not care if she didn’t want that and I still respect it lol but I want to know what she’s about.”

10. WAIT THREE DATES: “Three dates is kind of the perfect amount of time to wait. You're getting to know each other, so there's still a lot of mystery there, but you’re also a lot more familiar than you would be on the first date.”

So where does this leave me? Let me just pull out another handy cliché to explain my verdict here. I’m going to go with my gut. In general I usually wait at least three dates, but the most important thing of all is to stay within my comfort zone -- as all women should, no matter what any man says.

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Dating Cliché 15: Love should be easy.

Challenge: Go on a date and we have to agree with each other no matter what. 

At long, long last – my first IRL date with Steve “the helicopter guy” as my friends have been calling him. Since we needed to challenge a cliché on the date, I decided to test out “love should be easy” in which I had to agree with everything he said.

Let me tell you: Going on a helicopter is the PERFECT date in which to do this challenge.

Because you can’t hear a damn thing when you’re hovering above Manhattan. It’s very easy to smile and say, “Uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh.”

I was so all about this date – and Steve is fantastic.

I mean -- wouldn’t you agree?