Change pronouns as needed
"I'll have what she's having."
"Would you like to have dinner? Just friends."
"I thought you didn't believe men and women could be friends."
"This is an amendment to the earlier rule."
"Because what happens then is, the person you're involved with can't understand why you need to be friends with the person you're just friends with."
""No, no, no it's not true, nothing is missing from the relationship."
"I mean, come on, who the hell are we kidding, let's face it."
"Which brings us back to the earlier rule before the amendment, which is men and women can't be friends."
"So, where does that leave us?"
"The fact that you're not answering leads me to believe you're either (a) not at home, (b) home but don't want to talk to me, or (c) home, desperately want to talk to me, but trapped under something heavy. If it's either (a) or (c), please call me back."
"When you realize you want to spend the rest of your life with somebody, you want the rest of your life to start as soon as possible."
"What're you saying? That they fake orgasm?"
"Most women at one time or another have faked it."
"Oh. Right. That's right. I forgot. You're a man."
"Marriages don't break up on account of infidelity. It's just a symptom that something else is wrong."
"Well, that "symptom" is fucking my wife."
"It is so nice when you can sit with someone and not have to talk."
"You take someone to the airport, it's clearly the beginning of the relationship."
"That's why I have never taken anyone to the airport at the beginning of a relationship."
"It's amazing. You look like a normal person, but actually you are the angel of death."
"You realize of course that we could never be friends."
"What I'm saying is - and this is not a come-on in any way, shape or form - is that men and women can't be friends because the sex part always gets in the way."
"You say I'm having sex with these men without my knowledge?"
"They all want to have sex with you."
"No man can be friends with a woman that he finds attractive. He always wants to have sex with her."
"The sex thing is already out there so the friendship is ultimately doomed and that is the end of the story."
"Well, I guess we're not going to be friends then."
"Had my dream again where I'm making love, and the Olympic judges are watching."
"She's supposed to be his transitional person, she's not supposed to be the ONE."
"All this time I thought he didn't want to get married. But, the truth is, he didn't want to marry me. He didn't love me."
"If you could take him back now, would you?"
"Why didn't he want to marry me? What's the matter with me?"
"I'm too structured, I'm completely closed off."
"It's just sitting there, like some big dead end."
"Well, basically it's the same dream I've been having since I was (age)."
"That's it? Some faceless guy rips off all your clothes, and THAT'S the sex fantasy you've been having since you were (age)?"
"There are two kinds of women: high maintenance and low maintenance."
"You're high maintenance, but you think you're low maintenance."
"I just want it the way I want it."
"(Name) mentioned you had a dark side."
"Why? Don't you have a dark side?"
"You're probably one of those cheerful people who dot their "i's" with little hearts."
"When I buy a new book, I read the last page first. That way, in case I die before I finish, I know how it ends."
"I've been doing a lot of thinking, and the thing is, I love you."
"How do you expect me to respond to this?"
"I don't have to take this crap from you."
"If you're so over (Name), why aren't you seeing anyone?"
"Have you slept with one person since you broke up with (Name)?"
"Right now everything is great, everyone is happy, everyone is in love and that is wonderful."
"Everybody thinks they have good taste and a sense of humor but they couldn't possibly all have good taste."
"The first time we met, we hated each other."
"That is just like you,. You say things like that, and you make it impossible for me to hate you."
"With whom did you have this great sex?"
"I miss the idea of him."
"Doesn't what I said mean anything to you?"
"I know you're feeling lonely, but you just can't show up here, tell me you love me and expect that to make everything all right. It doesn't work this way."
"I love that you get a little crinkle above your nose when you're looking at me like I'm nuts."
"I love that after I spend the day with you, I can still smell your perfume on my clothes, and I love that you are the last person I wanna talk to before I go to sleep at night."
"I don't know if I want to be married anymore."
"Why don't we take some time to think about it, you know, don't rush into anything."
"I mean I got married so I can stop dating."
"Don't you love me anymore?"
"I don't know if I've ever loved you."
"You don't bounce back from that right away."
"I'm a writer, I know dialogue and that's particularly harsh."
"I didn't want to ruin your birthday."
"You might not believe this, but I never considered not sleeping with you a sacrifice."
"You know, I have a theory that hieroglyphics are just an ancient comic strip about a character named Sphinxy."
"You know, I'm so glad I never got involved with you."
"I am not your consolation prize."
"You're going to have to try and find a way of not expressing every feeling that you have, every moment that you have them."
"Draw SOMETHING resembling ANYTHING."
"No one has ever quoted me back to me before."
"You are a human affront to all women."
"When someone's not that attractive, they're always described as having a good personality."
"All of a sudden I'm in the middle of this massive anxiety attack, my heart's beating like a wild man, and I start sweating like a pig."
"You're afraid to let yourself be happy."
"You know, you may be the first attractive woman I've not wanted to sleep with in my entire life."
"Why are you getting so upset? This is not about you."
"I just didn't wanna sleep with you and you had to write it off as a character flaw, instead of dealing with the possibility it might have something to do with you."
"What's the statute of limitations on apologies?"
"Suppose nothing happens to you. Suppose you live there you're whole life and nothing happens, you never meet anybody, you never become anything, and finally you die."
"Obviously you haven't had great sex yet."
"You're coming on to me!"
"It just so happens that I have had plenty of good sex."
"I don't think it's a matter of opinion. Empirically, you are attractive."
"Can't a man say a woman is attractive without it being a come-on?"
"You get to a certain point where you get tired of the whole thing."
"You're the most obnoxious man I've ever met."
"You were just so uptight then. You're much softer now."
"I hate that kind of remark. It sounds like a compliment, but it's an insult."
"Well, that's the good thing about depression - you get your rest."
"You have all your video tapes alphabetized and on index cards?"
"You want to act like what happened didn't mean anything."
"I'm not saying it didn't mean anything, I am saying why does it have to mean everything?"
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