Oblivion.

@themoonchildxxx

Stuck in the middle of nowhere. Please find me. And when you do Save me from myself.

384 posts

Hiroshi Yoshida - Color woodblock prints from the series United States of America.

To practice any art, no matter how well or badly, is a way to make your soul grow. So do it.

Kurt Vonnegut (via quotemadness)

“I’m not much, but I’m all I have.”

— Philip K. Dick

All my life has been about waiting for people to go

do it for yourself do it for yourself do it for yourself do it for yourself do it for yourself do it for yourself do it for yourself do it for yourself

But maybe everyone’s a little bit ugly. Yeah, maybe we’re all just ugly, dying sacks of shit, and maybe all it’ll take is one person to just be okay with that, and then the whole world will be dancing and singing and farting, and everyone will feel a little bit less alone.

No one wanted to feel that they can be easily replaced. No one wanted to be mistreated. Unwanted. Left behind. Ignored, abandoned, and forgotten.

No one wanted to suffer a heartbreak over and over and over again.

But why do we stay?

Perhaps, destroying one’s self is the first step of understanding it. It’s like disassembling an object piece by piece, understanding clearly how it works and how every part supports each other. After that, you assemble it back. Carefully. Disasembling will always be easier than putting it up together once again, though. But you’ll get there.

The thing is, only in the process of fixing myself did I know who I really was.

And I’m still on it.

izzysfilmblog-deactivated201902

First Reformed - Film Review

First Reformed is a unique film in a lot of ways, tackling themes that we rarely see articulated so beautifully in cinema whilst also being an incredibly riveting film mainly consisting of reserved and thoughtful performances. Though it was an uncomfortable film, it was a film i got a lot of pleasure out of simply for how different it was to anything i had seen previously. In the film we follow Ernst Toller, a reverend who we see questioning certain aspects of his faith as well as the industry in which he is a part of whilst dealing with his terrible health, an aspect of his character that to me told us the type of person that he wanted to be, someone that was in control of their life, not someone that was actively going down an endless spiral that made them weak and susceptible to something as uncontrollable as sickness.

Throughout the film he carries this immense weight on his shoulders and you can feel the self-doubt inside him slowly growing into what becomes this darkness that manifests itself into an outward act of violence. Therefore, Toller was experiencing a literal and metaphorical sickness, both uncontrollable and inevitable. Of all the things that First Reformed is, for me it was mainly a spectacularly orchestrated character study. Paul Schrader once agains creates another character who is unsatisfied with the way in which society is handling certain issues, and as a result gets pushed out of it though in this film that arc is handled with a lot more subtlety and sentimentality. It is a black and melancholic film that explores the greed of people in positions of power but also the alienation and frustration that the people who see the world differently often end up feeling.

Unfortunately religion most of the time in films is often either vilified or mocked, and so for this film to portray it in such a neutral and authentically honest and raw way whilst being able to bring up important and confrontational questions was so impressive and amazing to see. It made me think about what is going on behind the scenes of these large organisations that are running things who are most likely doing things which are morally corrupt and unjust. The most hard hitting aspect of the film was it’s thoughts on climate change, a topic that has become increasingly controversial over the years. It is something the film handles with delicacy and care and it knew when to introduce it into the film and when to leave it out and i thought it was a really impactful backdrop for the film. The lack of camera movement and music really added more to the overall tone of the film and also helped elevate its themes in a way that didn’t feel clichéd or preachy. Same goes for the cinematography which was just out of this world. I felt the cleanliness and sterile nature of the film as well as the dullness of its colours were incredibly important especially when the film decided to break out of its own rules and use vibrant colours in order to make a statement.

Looking back i really did love the ending even though at first i was not a huge fan of it. When i realised what this film was about it helped me realise the importance of the ending. At the core of this film was a story about love, understanding and overcoming that inner hatred and anger, and so when i realised that it made the ending much more meaningful and relevant to the story.

There was this long scene between Toller and Michael that i thought was absolutely fantastic, the acting in that scene was truly outstanding and that was the scene that initially made me realise this film was going to be great. It brought up topics like social activism, guilt and faith as well as the deep-seeded pessimism that people feel towards the future of our planet in a way that to my surprise was not intrusive at all but was rather incredibly moving and powerful even though it was just a conversation between two people, one that managed to bring up so many different topics that branch out into their own mini discussions, it’s a fantastic scene that stood out to me.

In summary, First Reformed is a multilayered character-driven story that i cannot recommend more.

APOLOGY LETTER TO MYSELF

Why is it so easy for me to forgive others but I find it hard to forgive myself? Why it feels so good to praise the progress of others but I’m always hesitant to appreciate my own improvement?

This time, I owe myself an apology letter because this is the right thing to do. I want to end 2018 with a forgiving heart and welcome 2019 with new hope and positivity.

I am sorry for doubting your abilities. I know you missed a lot of good opportunities this year because you continue questioning yourself. You came up with excuses not to pursue your passions because of your fear. Self, people believe in you. Again, they believe in you. You can believe in yourself too. Let me tell you a truth, you can do so much more than what you’re doing right now.

I am sorry I have compared you to others. There are times when all you can do is to appreciate the intelligence, appearance, and lifestyle of others. While doing that, you forget to acknowledge the good in you. You came to the point that you belittle yourself for not being like them. I’m sorry for these times, I mean it. Self, you don’t need to achieve what they achieved. You don’t need to know everything. You don’t need to be everything. You are unique and you deserve your own appreciation.

I am sorry for letting achievements define you. You grew up with their expectations that you need to achieve great things. You forget that you are not the awards, recognition, positions that you achieved. I know this is a hard year for you. I know that you’ve learned from this experience that you are not defined by these impressive titles. Sometimes, all you need to do is to give your best every single day.

I am sorry for bringing you down instead of lifting you up. Instead of being your own best friend, you criticized yourself. Don’t consider yourself a disappointment because you’re not. You failed but you’re not a failure. You are the learnings of your failure. Keep moving forward to take the second chance. Actually, you deserve more chances until you achieve your dreams.

I am sorry for the times that you think you’re worthless. When life feels meaningless, you also feel that you’re worthless. You experienced the struggle of waking up and sleepless nights. I don’t really know the reason why you feel that way but I understand your feelings. Maybe, you still need time to find your purpose. Don’t rush things. As long as you’re doing the right things, you’re more than enough. YOU ARE WORTHY.

I am sorry for not loving you enough. It’s okay to be selfless but never forget yourself. It’s okay to be generous but save for yourself. From time to time, it’s okay not be okay. But, it will never be okay if you don’t love yourself. I’m sorry for this late realization. But I promise that I’ll never feel guilty if I decided to put you in my top priority.

Self, accept my sincere apology. I’m really sorry for doing the things you don’t deserve and not doing the things you deserve. I also want to say thank you. Thank you for not giving up this year. You’ve been through a lot and you still managed to be resilient. You learned so much. You handled pain really well. You are stronger than before. You are smarter today. You are so much ready to face 2019 with a better perspective at your best self!

This is the best apology letter I ever made. Hayy!!

The Beautiful is always strange…it always contains a touch of strangeness, of simple, unpremeditated and unconscious strangeness, and it is that touch of strangeness that gives it its particular quality as Beauty.

Charles Baudelaire (via quotemadness)

self-care-suggestion

If you’ve been swamped lately with endless hours of work and school and maintaining relationships, I want you to try and take an hour for yourself today or tomorrow. Go somewhere quiet and just breathe. Take a nap, have some coffee read a book, watch a show. Do something that you wanna do.

“We accept the love we think we deserve”

and she accepted none.

“It’s only a bad day, not a bad life”, I kept on telling myself this, repeating and repeating until it almost sounds like a mantra. It’s not only a bad day, tho. It’s a bad week. A bad month. But I hope it won’t last.

I badly wanted to believe that things will work out for me one of these days. I wanted to believe that this isn’t a bad life, the good and the best things are yet to come, but it doesn’t feel like it sometimes. Saying that the worst is yet to come is even more believable. It feels like I’m such a complicated mess and disaster that has no end, drowning and drowning in my own decisions and just letting the worst consume me, while slowly consuming the people close to me.

I am poisonous. Toxic. A grenade, blowing up then and then, obliterating everything in my wake. It feels like it, feels like a living disaster while everyone close to me gets messed up.

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