The Niente @theneinte333 - Tumblr Blog

I’m just a codependent borderline.

Everywhere relationship has left me broken or have I always been and it’s just an effect of my mental state? My values? My self concept? My life was too based on devotion to other people. If I ever want a family one day I have to give myself my own power or it might never happen. If I keep going thru life obsessed with people who only reflect my brokenness, then I already know what to expect.

I understand why it never worked out for me. How can you find stability in someone (me) who’s so unstable? I had a ft from an ex that I was with for about 2 years. Our breakup was bad but now we’re such good friends and talk often. She told me that she would have married me, that her mom even thought we’d end up as endgame. I said me too. I was too lost in acid. I was too insecure, afraid, and obsessed with her love towards me that I lost myself. We did too many drugs and I became heavily dependent on both her and the acid.

It’s almost like deep love terrified me but I searched for it. Even if it was intense and I couldn’t handle it I still wanted to be loved. Sometimes you can want it so much that you can’t even see that they don’t love you anymore, or worse maybe you just took all the love they had and suffocated them.

I’m sorry I made you home when you still needed room.

I was a homeless, hungry ghost thinking that if I wasn’t loved then I wasn’t worth anything. Breakups happen and I always lose myself. I became blind to how beautiful my life is. I became lost in the pain of not being loved. I became addicted to thinking about what hurts like feeling betrayed by you and the jealousy I had about your guy friend that I hid from you.

I lost sight in everything else in my life because I made girlfriends my life. My devotion. My purpose. it’s no wonder I’ve struggled. I’ve never made it about me. I thought if I showed my devotion that maybe they’d see im worth loving. One day I will completely worthy of myself the way I felt about them.

Im sorry I said I love you too, too fast. I was so excited. I’m sorry I fell asleep so fast, the idea of the next day with you, I couldn’t wait. Even though you hurt me and caused me a lot of pain, I forgive you. Even though it wasn’t okay what you did I still forgive you. I shared my fears to you, and you woke up not wanting to be with me, blocked me, and stayed away with dead silence for months. but I still forgive you.

I made a choice. I made a decision to abandoned my old self too, and I’m very grateful for those who abandoned me as well.

How can I find my life purpose when I’ve made relationships my main focus? How do I shake it off and realize how addicted I am to misery and the idea of being alone so much. I am depressed and I am not happy and yet I act like I am blessed but it’s truly denial. If I was truly blessed and felt blessed then I would be blessed. If I truly believed I was the creator of my life would I be missing such a fundamental role of meaning in my life? I can’t play music without thinking of you. I can’t go on unity without thinking of you. I made my whole life dependent on an image I was trying to fake. Of course it didn’t work out. I was an illusion. I did art to get attention from my ex. I did it everyday to get attention from girls but it never happened because I never impressed myself. It’s not rocket science. All my goals were relationship oriented and now I feel lost with no purpose because I’m left with myself. Sobriety was for a relationship one day, along with my hobbies and everything I try to do for myself. All for the hopes of being loved. Is it surprising that I’m not loved ? I look at my behavior and I can’t see an excuse anymore. I have to pretend that relationships don’t exist. I have to get rid of that idea or I will always be lost. If only I can manifest a life purpose.

I was congratulated while opening my first white claw. All the time and effort seemed worth the complimentary words, the following I had gained, and yet my self esteem was still low. I felt lonely. I felt alone with my misery, and my prideful struggle to be important. I had desperately wanted to be important and made myself into someone that’s less than sand on carpet. After my breakup I’m not sure who I am anymore. I am someone now. Right? Am I savannah or theniente

So I think to myself and now I know that everything I’ve ever done is perfectly laid out in a way that everything I’ve ever wanted is now mine.