Woman On The Throne ♔ @thenotsobeautyqueen - Tumblr Blog

and i guess i had this whimsical idea of all the boys sitting on a porch as old men reminiscing about the good old days in the biggest boy band in the world as five terrible dancers with a whole lot of heart, but life is cruel and just doesn’t work out that way sometimes, and it fucking hurts

theambitiouswoman

Everyone likes to hear advice that reassures their way of thinking. But good advice challenges you. If you are not where you want to be, you should be more accepting of the latter. Triggers are for growth. If you didn’t need to hear it, it would not trigger you.

There’s something about quiet mornings, enjoying breakfast while putting up a little mellow music on the background. Thinking about the little things I’d like to accomplish on the day itself. Also, remembering the times I didn’t have the excitement to wake up and do something because there’s not much worth of a good reason, really.

Although, this time feels different. Everyday, I feel alive in the simplest ways and I like that. I like how life is making me realize that this could be enough, how we can choose to be steady but happy and we’re bound to master its unpredictable cycle and not lose sight of the things we want the most for ourselves.

I'm still on the path that I really want the most. I get tired sometimes, but it's the good kind. It feels nice to know and be certain of where I want to place myself.

Everyone’s life timeline is different from another. Never rush, never compare, never compete. I realize we’ll get what we deserve eventually. So don't look at anyone else's life timeline, for you have a path that is made for you only. Value the art of waiting and it won’t ever disappoint.

As Joena San Diego once said, "Love, you don't need to compete. You don't have to struggle in a battle that doesn't exist. Let it go. Stop looking at others. Discontentment is a character not welcomed in the temple of the Lord. In this case, that temple is you."

Exercise that free will to make this life right.

I have always believed that we are the sum of all that happens to us, a mosaic of a person put together by all the people we meet, the experiences we acquire, and every single decision that we choose, leading us from one thing to another.

For some reason, the universe unfolded me in certain ways that led me here. It’s kinda scary because this “here” is pretty familiar to me — presence of slight aches and getting over. With time passing by so quickly and everything that’s been going on, it can be challenging to keep up at times. There are moments when everything feels like a blur and I just go through each day in a whirlwind of thoughts, worries, and emotions.

I still have too many questions in my head with no clear answers. I’m still completely overwhelmed and severely tired. But the experience changed me. And as much as the road to get here is one that I wouldn’t wish on anyone, there is a silver lining in truly learning your own strength.

2021 broke my heart in more ways than one. My world literally felt like it had been turned upside down. But if I am being completely honest with myself, this sense of loss had been lingering for a good while beforehand. I had generally been lacking direction and focus, and this was starting to permeate into other areas of my life as well.

2021 made me realize that life can turn you into a person you don’t want to be. I mean yes, I get that you can be whoever you want, that’s what everybody else is telling us but getting there requires you losing half of your heart. How? I am not quite sure but it felt like I lost mine somewhere in the process.

All I know is I have been selfish, or I have always been, and that I did not see the things I kept doing wrong. Strange that we are so blind of our own flaws and funny how quiet times can give me certain realizations like this.

I need some serious self-fixing. So this 2022, I promised myself better days. I will keep on reminding myself that I deserve good things in life, too. I will try to let go of the things that hurt. I will start to forgive myself for not becoming the person I always dreamed to be. I will start again from where I left off.

I pray that things will work out for the best. I pray that it is not yet too late. I pray with all my heart that 2022 is a good year to dream again.

traumasurvivors

My trauma did not make me stronger.

I made me stronger. I pulled myself through. That strength was already a part of me.

My trauma did not add to my character. It did not make me kind. It did not make me a warrior.

Anything I am is thanks to me, and me alone.

Please quit telling survivors that “at least it made you stronger”. That credit goes to us, and not our trauma or anyone responsible for our trauma.

I came across this photo on facebook just in time when I needed this reminder the most. I'm still navigating my way and putting what matters most on front line — myself. I've struggled with depression and I didn't even realize it until it just dawned on me one day.

I've been through a lot of suffering this year that I prolly don't even deserve, and I no longer want to pretend that I'm fine. I've fought battles I didn't talk about because I knew I had to fight alone (and partly because I don't wanna be a burden). I've been working hard in protecting my peace, really, it is so difficult. It seems like I have a constant battle overnight, overthinking things, people's reactions, opinions, and even disappointments. I've been so anxious. But lately, I'm just tired of everything.

It takes a longer time to know somebody else but I’m pretty sure it takes double effort to know ourselves deep and it’s never an easy discovery. We choose what to sustain or what to let go, gotta allow our hearts to feel too much in order for us to see what we’re capable of.

I know I gotta work on myself, but first, I gotta work on my peace —so I'm starting to stay away from people and things that are not helping. Let's consider this as part of unbecoming the person I'm not and becoming the person better than I were.

Let's start here. Choose and focus on what matters.

"You're a strong woman and that strength has undoubtedly played a major role in getting you where you are. But if you have suppressed feelings about this incident, you need to find someone to share them with. Because if not, they will eat you up no matter how strong you are." — The Good Doctor, S01E07

It's a bit tricky to let ourselves be vulnerable and unguarded. It's hard to admit our own weaknesses so I mastered having a strong front and kept everything to myself — fears, anxieties, sadness and insecurities. I'm afraid to fuck up. I'm afraid to mess up. I'm scared that I might never reach whatever it is that others — family, friends, society, may expect from me.

But you know what? It doesn't matter.

This episode reminded me that I really don't have to conceal my emotions. It's okay to lose my shit and cry and let it all out. I think it'd be nice to enjoy a good cup of coffee with few genuine people to share random thoughts without being judged, to express myself without holding back and to appreciate more of my growth without being too dependent with the comparisons, competition, and insecurities I have in everyone. It's just lovely to think that some people are really sincere and honest towards me even if it will cost me pain and so much things to contemplate about. However, that will cost me growth, too. So, my appreciation goes to people who are pure and sincere with their intentions.

They say “what is meant for you will be yours and what is not won’t.” I’m still learning how to not force things, relationships and people; to just go with the flow. Whenever I lose something, no matter how much I want it, I want to be able to tap myself in the back and say, “it isn’t for me, yet.” Honestly, it’s not easy. Although it’s peaceful to live like that, the universe has its own way of deciding what’s meant for you and what isn’t.

Most nights, especially when it's cold and the cicadas are asleep, I stare at my ceiling and think of it — of desires I chose to brush off my chest, of dreams I chose to forget, of all I lost believing it isn’t for me. Whenever I do, I can’t help but wonder, is it really not for me or I just didn’t do my best or am I just not good enough? I can’t help but think that maybe I should’ve wanted it more, that I should've pushed myself harder, that I could’ve been wherever I wanna be if only I went against the current more than letting the waves take me anywhere they wanted. I can’t help but wonder if it really is true that if something didn’t land in your hands it isn’t for you or people just say it to justify the lack of effort.

All these keep on coming at me that sometimes I don’t know what to believe anymore; if the universe will simply hand over everything that I deserve or it's up to me to convince the universe that I deserve something good.

Slowly, I'm emancipating myself from this. It's hard of course, most of the time my prison is my own mind. I want myself to be free. Slowly, I'll get that enlightenment.

theselfcarelifestyle

You can always start again. Clean out your social media. Create a new account for your new taste in music. Study or work in a new city. Start socialising with new people. Choose a new signature scent and style and purge the outdated parts of yourself. If you don’t like where you’re at, but you don’t know what to do about it - try starting again.

I’ve been doing some serious self-check these past few weeks and I really think this hit is necessary. I’ve reached that point, again, that I have to fake happiness in order to convince myself that I really am.

I’m fine, don’t worry about me. I think I’m absolutely feeling neutral now.

It has been a tough fight emotionally. Literally, everything I kept avoiding for the longest time just blew up and I figured I can’t keep running away from my own feelings. I’ve been holding back my human emotions for quite some time that it’s making me lose myself.

I got too happy, turned extremely sad and then suddenly borderline furious. It was insane. Although, I kinda felt alive expressing it out loud. Besides, humans are allowed to feel anyway.

When all is well, I will challenge myself to do (not try) a better approach in everything. It's a terrifying thought to try something new but it's always better compared to being in a status of stuck life. I don't want that, I had to remind myself that that used to be my fear and I gotta avoid the same mistakes. I really can’t waste my time and effort anymore.

Today felt so comforting.

Cycling has always made me so happy. I enjoy the risk and opportunities for the thrill of the ride — and the buzz of a fast descent, the rush of a bunch sprint, or the challenge of an off-road track or rock-garden. More importantly, I can notice the tiniest detail of my day: the motions of leaves rustling, how the wind and sunlight touches my skin, and the distortion of my shadow on the pavement while I move.

Thorns in the Flesh

Apostle Paul described “thorn in the flesh” as a persistent problem in his life that has caused great torment and prevented him from fully doing what he wanted to do. Fr. Malicdem, Rector of the Manila Cathedral, elaborated that, “We all have thorns in the flesh... We’re talking of people, things, events, experiences that leave a deep mark in our lives. They constantly bring pain, sufferings and sorrow to us. Thorns in the flesh are like causes that are so heavy to bear, yokes that are burdensome, afflictions that do not easily get away.” However, Apostle Paul later realized that there’s a purpose why he has this thorn.

Tonight’s homily is really timely for me. These past few weeks, I've been questioning God why He doesn’t take away my thorns in the flesh. I’ve been suffering from these thorns that everything’s just too much for me to handle. I’m overwhelmed. Every night, I plead to God to help me get through these thorns. Yet, I’m still struggling. As of this writing, I still carry these thorns in my flesh, even though things may somehow be slightly better. Many days I wish I didn’t have these thorns in my flesh.

However, tonight’s homily reminded me that these thorns could be the most beautiful part of my flesh. Tonight, I’m reminded that God not only lets me thrive despite these thorns, He lets me thrive because of these thorns. As Fr. Malicdem explained, according to the Scriptures, there are three reasons why we have these thorns in the flesh:

First, thorns keep us humble. These thorns will remind us that we’re not perfect, we’re weak, limited and inadequate in many ways. God knows that pride has the potential to destroy us. Pride takes us out of our place and causes us to covet His place. Our place is to glorify God not to get His glory. While it’s challenging to live with thorns, God’s grace is more than enough to keep us. He is and will always be sufficient.

Second, thorns teach us to be more compassionate and understanding toward other people who, like us, have thorns in the flesh. These thorns will prevent us from being judgmental. These thorns will teach us to be in solidarity with one another because we all have our weaknesses.

Lastly, thorns teach us to rely on God’s grace and to trust Him. Thorns will remind us that we’re limited, powerless and we’re not in control of everything. Because of these thorns, we’re reminded that God sustains us, we don’t sustain ourselves. We’re mere human beings and we’re prone to forget. Without thorns, we often forget how much we need God.

To sum it all up, thorns cause God’s power and glory to be seen in our lives. As Apostle Paul said, “when I’m weak, it is then that I’m strong.” Our weaknesses and shortcomings don’t make us less of a person. Instead, these thorns would make room for God to step in and help us do what we can’t do ourselves. It’s only through His grace that our thorns wouldn’t overwhelm us.

God-given Purpose

Do you ever felt that? Like you’re not good enough? You try so hard to be the best but it never works? You’d sometimes question your life’s purpose? Yeah, I’ve felt that. I’ve spent a lot of time staring out to emptiness and wondering what my purpose was.

I do know that God created me for a reason and that’s the only thing that I’m sure of in this world. However, I really don’t know what He wants me to do with my life. If my life’s really up to me, I have a long list of things things that I want to be and to do. But I fell apart and even doubted if my plans are still aligned with His plans for me. Honestly, I’m on a dead pit of self disappointment and I don't know how to handle this situation. I hate it so much.

Until one of my friends shared Proverbs 19:21 with me, “Many are the plans in the mind of a man, but it is the purpose of the Lord that will stand.” Hence, Jeremiah 29:11, “For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans for welfare and not for evil, to give you a future and a hope. Then you will call upon me and pray to me, and I will hear you. You will seek me and find me, when you seek me with all your heart.”

During tough situations, God wants to remind us that He has a plan and a purpose. It’s okay if you still don’t know where life is taking you. It’s okay to feel lost and have self-doubts but you have to trust His plans for you. Seek Him. Glorify Him. Speak to Him and put your 100% trust in Him.

Take your own time to find your God-given purpose, love.

I'm going to try to be a little bit more expressive through means of writing again. I deactivated all my social media accounts (prolly temporarily) because, even if people do not realize it, social media is basically the universal block of good ideas.

With everything that is happening to me lately, I've been craving to be a little bit more honest with myself and blogging might give me a better insight or greater emphasis on my much needed self-contemplation.

I really don't want to put pressure on myself but I miss embracing the blunt in me. For the last months, I've been too cautious with how people would react to what I've to say or do. I felt like I'm being caged. I felt like I'm being controlled by the system and the standards set by the society. It's really more of a self-battle. Clichè but they said, "yourself will always be your worst enemy" and I couldn't agree more.

I just wish the universe could hand over a manual to tell me that I'm on the right track. Still, I want to learn a lot of things on my own. My decisions may not always be right but I'd always keep them in my pocket.

sk-lumen

You’re most powerful when you honor your own rhythm. If your circadian rhythm is nocturnal, don’t follow those “waking up at 4 am changed my life” routines because they’re not for you. If you function best when you focus on a single task, single job, single goal, then working half a dozen sidehustles may not be for you. Honor your own rhythm, work with it instead of against it, and you will achieve so much more than if you blindly follow what’s considered “correct” by social conventions of the time.

thoughtkick

“Sometimes you put up walls – not to keep people out, but to see who cares enough to break them down.”

— Socrates

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Woman On The Throne ♔