The Nozomi Trail

[seamsewswell-deactivated2021101]

[thenozomitrail-blog]

Don't you dare quit.

When the going is painful, that is where you need to endure the most! Because in pain there are lessons, and in lessons there is growth.

[langleavpoetry]

[thenozomitrail-blog]

So today i woke up late for work. Not that i slept late but i just woke up late. It didn't bother me at all. I even took my phone, played a little before showering. 🤭

While showering, it took me the usual amount of time to be in the shower. I just stood under the pressure of warm water as it flows all throughout my body. I just stood without thinking about the running time. It didn't bother me.

Going in the bathroom is easy, going out for responsibility is hard. I thought that i will be back to senses when i finish taking a bath. To my surprise, i did not. I was inside my room and just stared blankly between my uniform hanging on the closet and the pair of jeans next to it. (Take a breather) I took the jeans and wore a shirt. It didn't bother me to wore a casual attire for work even if am the head of my department. Took up my pair of jean-designed Chuck's, snatched my keys, intentionally left my id, grabbed my glasses, and then took off to work.

Didn't say any words to my parents and siblings. I just tossed a peace sign on the air, smiled to the plants, went down to the drive way and then went off the road. It didn't bother me!

Before i get to work, i make sure i have my gym bag and protein shake with me, and along the way i have to pickup my usual coffee (regardless of how late i am). But today, i did not!

Coming in to work exactly 1 hour and 17 minutes late did not snatched my confidence even if i stared to the digital clock located at the entrance of the hospital facility am working in. On the hallway down to the clinical laboratory, i did not waved 'hi' to people, which i usually do. I just passed by them without giving eye contact. Well, the moment i stepped inside the laboratory i just sat down my chair and silent allowed the time to swallow me. 'Did i sat there with my morning coffee on my hand?', apparently i did not. Did not even a tiny rat's ass about it (FRIENDS reference). Yes, jazz music was playing on the background but coffee cup was missing and me not even moving to work (even do paper work) is so missing in the picture.

So lunchtime came. Time went so fast even if i was just sitting on my chair. I am even surprised to have witnessed it. My colleagues invited me to join with them even if they knew that i only have my oatmeals for lunch, yet i said no. They offered to cook it for me, yet i said no. They took off and had their lunch without me, it didn't even bother me at all.

Despite the fact that one of them intentionally decided to disrespect me and acted unprofessionally, i was just in my seat. To my surprise, i fought my subordinate. She presented her arguments, and usually i will just ditch the issue and allow her to just vent out. However, nit today. Halfway to her "speech" i interrupted her. Said, probably, mean things against her that are true (on my defense) and didn't even felt sorry for her. I went out to work with fullness of thought that i am leaving my workplace A. undertime since am late, and B. someone, my subordinate, is so wounded. It didn't bother me.

By now you might be thinking (if you know me) that i will be heading to the gym. Jokes on you! I went home. At this time let us look back: was late, took long while to shower, did not wore uniform, intentionally left the protein shake and gym bag, sat my ass the whole time, was fed up with a subordinate, and went home to sleep.

Around 5 in the afternoon, i woke up for i have a counselling session with my childhood friend. I am honestly surprised that my body did not craved for the sore it gets every after workout. Anyhow, though we agreed to meet at 5:30 pm, i came 6 in the evening and i did not even texted him. When i arrived, he wasn't there. By the way, before i went to the shop, i have called to order the meals already and reserved a table for the session, so that means i am left alone. Oh, by the way, the colleague I had an heated argument with is so apologetic about what happened. (If she wasn't, still i won't get bothered.) True story. 😌☕

After awhile, he called and said that he cannot make it because "got stucked to work and reports". So we agreed to meet up next time. But still, i didn't felt so sorry, in fact, did not felt any sorry for myself even if i ditched a bible study session with a Monday group i handle for this. Now, am left with 2 cups of americano with both having single shots of espresso and two Truffle Cream Pasta. Normally i would not cancel the order especially if it is coffee. But get this, i cancelled the order, and ordered a new one. I ordered one americano, NO EXTRA SHOT, WITH SUGAR. If you know me, you'd be surprise now. And as if it could not get any surprising with the sugar, i ordered a grilled cheese sandwich with extra homemade fries! Just imagine the look of the barista, who by the way knew me so much becuse the coffee shop am inside is like a home to me.

Today, it so not me. I recognise it and acknowledge it too. I am not proud of it (with emphasis on the americano with sugar) but it felt like kind of liberating. Actually now that am writing it, a part of me says that i should have went to my old routine. Yet, at the same time a very loud voice is saying, "The hell with tje routine! You have been so hard on yourself. Loosen up bigtime!" So, let us just call this as "Relapse" where in I just allowed the part of me that is just so not fan of routines ans disciplines and order to takeover my body.

What else to do to make kinda feel like a rebel today? Hey, i know! I will sleep early tonight without jazz music playing on the background, and i will not be writing on my journal!

[thenozomitrail-blog]

Today, i was haunted by my past. As if the morning rain and cranky set-off coming from the lack of sleep are not enough to make my life uneasy as it is.

The day didn't came off as expected, or the usual thing that happen that i will wake up expectant that she's somewhere out there thinking about me. Or the fact that there she is that i can greet and set the day with encouragement and confidence knowing that am just around here.

Apparently i woke up late for work with just 2 hrs of sleep. I dozed off unsettled to the reality that she's gone again. That she's ditching me for she's being attacked by confusion having been in affection with me and she does not have any hopes to act on it. So there - cup of coffee ran dry and is light-weight again.

And i dropped off my routine for today. No gym. But still the love coffee floats atop everything. I grabbed a cup at 4:30 in the afternoon. The soonest I touched my lips to the mouth of the mug, i saw a very familiar face coming near to me. It was from my past and a part of my stories.

There, walking up to me was my comrade and my confidant, my brother, my childhood bestfriend.

He was with some of his colleagues and i was alone by myself. It made me felt like an ex girlfriend being jealous of the life he has. Not that mine is boring, it just so happen that am all alone (though i enjoy it much more). The days we had haunted me to the very core and it felt like no amount of coffee can fill the void because i had 3 cups already and my eyes were locked to the direction he was sitting.

We grew up together. Spending weekdays and weekends and sharing stories. We shared a lot of interests at that time. He played football and so did I. I play guitar and so did he tried learning it. I can still remember when we were still sophomore and we had this activity on a particular subject where in you describe your bestfriend and tell the class who he or she is. At that moment, we were placed on different sections, and yet despite of the distance and the separation i proudly presented who my bestfriend is. And after that day ended we walked together in the hall and we can hear whispers like, "they're the best of friends the teacher was speaking about" and "they are truly inseparable". The latter made the two of us so giddy. And i held on to that for so long.

Fats forward 2018, there i was taking every drop of coffee into my body. Alone. And i can only catch a glimpse of my old buddy from afar.

Why would the desire to be with the people you valued keeps on coming back? Maybe because you shared your life with them. And being pulled away from it feels like pulling a segment of your DNA off of your story.

[thenozomitrail-blog]

Do not compare your life with somebody else's highlight reals.

[thenozomitrail-blog]

When you realize of how amazing the love of the Father is for us, you cannot help but embrace it and let go of your embarrassments. 😍

[thesovereignword]

[catscafecomics]

[fyp-psychology]

How To Be Popular In Any Group:

Smile in every interaction

Say “thank you” early and often

Give genuine compliments

Give praise and approval often

Give them your full attention

via Brain Tracey

[thenozomitrail-blog]

Chasing After

Everyone nowadays are  busy chasing after something. Something that is considerable important to them [or may seem important]. We are chase it day in and day out, circling to what is seemingly unending loop. Trapped to the psychology that what we are all after can only satisfy us. 

I don’t mean to judge for I am nothing but a person who chases something too, just like you and everybody else. However, recently I was being rebuked by an event in my life that I can only assume that “we can stop chasing if only we open up our eyes”.

All my life, and time, and strength, I have been treating every moment as an opportunity to implement my own agenda. That is to put myself important than anyone else. That every situation shall cater my own needs. That everyone surrounding me are people yet at the same time a platform for me to get closer towards my dreams and desire.  

Until I realized that in the entirety of my life I have missed, however, moments and people because I was focused and locked in to the endless chase to my selfishness. I forgot to love. To listen. To reach out. To talk. To become a friend. To be available for someone. I missed out. Until I realized that a dear friend of mine died. He never died literally. Yet I have seen in his eyes that he has been lost for a time now. He lost the passion - to read, to write, to draw, to sing, to express the creativity inside him. He lost the compassion and kindness. He became lonely and have decided to isolate himself for he became ashamed of what he has become - a dreaded person, left by moments. Or at least that is what he considered himself.

“I am sorry. I am sorry for missing the chances of talking to you and being available for you. Those moments that you need me the most, I have become rather busy that even you have become insignificant to me. You and your life stories.” I told him with all my heart. At that moment, we were left silent. Then he spoke up, “You are always forgiven. Moments might have slipped in your hands but every glimpse of brokenness is part of your growth. What you missed is in the past, you can have your way for tomorrow.”

“You can always make up with yourself.” This is not for you to make amends for your mistakes. This is for you to reconnect to what you have missed and lost the most -  yourself.

Maybe what we have been chasing after is worthless not until we realize that we can stop now, that we can stop running, for what we need to do is reconnect to ourselves. The life, the creativity, the passion, the love, the moments, the memories, the stories, the laughter, the rainy days, the summer - every make up, every caverns of our soul. 

The hope we have, still lives in. Reconnect to yourself, and then look around. Instead of being self-involved be a person that participates to the people. Talk to them. Listen to them. Maybe what we need to chase after is the desire to sit down and be available to somebody today.