He remembers it clearly -- but thats the problem. Theodore can’t stop thinking about that morning, the one that changed everything. Things were fine and then after that morning they weren’t. Waking up, the bed felt colder on one side, but he was used to waking up without one of his lovers. Only when he rolled over, his back touched paper, and Theodore woke up to find a letter from Abel. He was gone. He was sorry. He was gone. Theodore and Kalliope kept trying to be together. Some weeks it worked, some weeks it didn’t. There was a hole between them, with Abel gone. The two best friends loved each other, but Abel had been the glue and now they didn’t fit. The ended things, but still lived together until Kalliope moved out, leaving Theodore in the apartment that reminded him of the best time of his life. They’re still best friends, and they still hold hands and kiss and sometimes even crawl into each others beds. But Kalliope sees other people, and Theodore has met several new boyfriends and girlfriends, some of whom have offered to try to be that bridge between the best friends again. He turns them down. Theodore can’t bring himself to be with anyone, and it’s not for trying. He meets a girl who’s a dancer at the club, and she’s sweet and caring, but after a few weeks she can’t put up with Theodore’s antics and leaves. Theodore starts seeing a boy and he’s got a broad back and arms that make him feel so close to safe, but in the end Theodore ends it. It hurts too much to be with someone who reminds him of him. He’s started going to therapy again. Before it was whenever he needed it, going less often than he admitted and should have. Now though, he itches to go, spilling himself out and needing it. It helps him cope while he’s all alone, and the pills he’s started taking seem normal now -- a part of life. Theodore has learned to accept the pain of what happened to him, and is learning not to push it away. It’s a struggle, but everyday feels lighter. Everyday, the beautiful smile that had always been effortlessly put on to overcompensate for his lack of belief in himself, becomes a little bit more real. Slowly, Theodore Karr is learning to be his own person, and it only took him losing everything he’d relied on to do so. He still wakes up crying when he remembers he’s alone, but the little boy inside of him who comes out every so often sits by his side and tells him his angel will come back, he always comes back. And soon, soon, everything will be better. He just needs to fix himself first.
