The Night Panda

Just a random writer floating through life with tons of Late Night Ramblings

[thepandanyx]

Positive Thoughts for Once

So I’m actually home for the weekend, I actually came back just for a day and a half just because I really missed home. I’ve been really busy with school and my internship training that I didn’t really have time to call my Mom or pick up the phone calls from my Dad. And so, having the chance to just come home when I finally had downtime was really great. I’m really glad I’m back and I feel so welcomed and loved. My brother is also back for the weekend so it’s just really nice to have the five of us back together again.  I know my family has more than its fair share of problems. And these problems will just keep coming up again and again. But I felt like I spent so much time being against my parents and creating that division between children and parents that it’s time to really appreciate the effort my parents put into raising us. After leaving for college and having the chance to finally mature, it’s definitely put some perspective into my life. I’ve grown to understand my mother more and now we are working towards a better, deeper understanding of each other.  So right now, this feeling of love, happiness, and pure content I feel...I don’t ever want to forget this. It may be because I’ve missed home so much and problems might come again and I may forget this feeling. But I’m going to hold on to it, as best I can. Because this is my support, this is my source of motivation. 

[thepandanyx]

Sigh

I really...I feel so unhappy. With everything going on, I really don’t know who to turn to. I really would like some optimism and happiness in my life. Because lately, its just been people sucking. All around. There is so much negative energy around me. And it just feels so shitty. And I can’t even articulate everything that I’m feeling into words. And I just feel so at a loss. I just want to disappear from everything. And just feel free, just for a little bit. But instead...I am so trapped, so restrained. I don’t know what to do. What to say. What to write. How to act. Or anything. I don’t know....I just...I just don’t know anymore. 

[thepandanyx]

I miss you.

I don’t even know why. It’s been so long yet there is still a part of me that misses you. Maybe it’s just the loneliness. But I wish you were here with me right now. There’s so many things I want to tell you. So many things you’ll never be able to hear. 

[thepandanyx]

Maybe

I should just call this blog the negativity blog or something. I really think I try to be positive and I try to turn my life around and do better in my academics. But I seriously can't. I feel so exhausted and there is no motivation to be found. I feel so overwhelmed with my class. I feel like everyone else is so calm and collected and theres me....spiraling out of control. I don't understand anything. And I can't seem to find enough time in the day to sit down and actually study for my chemistry class. I'm always stuck doing lab instead. I'm terrified...absolutely terrified of failing this class. After coming to college, I've quickly learned what it was like to fail but I have yet to learn how to come back from that said failure. I'm already doing so bad in my academics and I'm terrified for my future. I just want to live a successful and happy life. But I'm struggling so much and I'm just so overwhelmed. I feel so stressed out and my patience is low. I feel so lost, confused, stupid, and frustrated. I don't know what to do. I know I'm just supposed to do what I'm supposed to do... But thats so much easier said than done.

[thepandanyx]

I really miss it. I miss the past, when I was little. When I could play with my brothers and be annoying little munchkins, and do something, anything without a second thought. When I could say everything I wanted to, everything I was feeling, without treading carefully, afraid that I would say something just a little too strong, and the fragile...the oh so fragile thread will break, and in I go, into the dark neverending pits of negativity, rage, amd sorrow.

[thepandanyx]

If you're miserable at home...and you're miserable at your second home...at school... Where are you supposed to go? How are you supposed to be happy when you have nowhere to go, no one to turn to? When everything seems to be falling apart in every aspect of your life and you're desparately trying to hold the fragile pieces of your broken self together. How are you supposed to continue going on with life? I never understand why people continue living when theres nothing to live for. Maybe because theres hope. Hope that encourages us to continue living because maybe, just maybe, it'll get better in the future. But what if you've given it so many chances...yet the result is still the same? I don't know. Every time I try to change my life for the better, to try to think more positively, life comes knocking me down reminding to not get too happy, to not get too positive, because theres this persistant dark cloud following you everywhere you go, a constant warning to not be too satisfied because otherwise... Everything positive you just felt, will be returned in negative, dark feelings... but twice as hard.

[thepandanyx]

Emotions at 10:45 pm

I feel like I’m going insane. I feel like I have so much pent-up anger and I have no way to release it. I can rant to people, I can work to relieve the stress. And it works, it does. But only for a few hours of peace because the anger comes from someone who just won’t stop being...well quite frankly, a bitch. But i can’t break free, for the sake of having overall peace within our little social group. I can’t blow up. I can’t cut off all my relations with her. But I oh so want to blow up. I oh so want to have nothing to do with her anymore. I wish for the days where my mind and heart can be at peace again where I don’t feel like I’m walking on egg shells, where I don’t have to be so cautious with my next step, where I don’t have to feel like I’m being ignored and used. But people just say, forgive and forget. But the problem with that is, if you forgive and forget, it will become a cycle. I will continuously be used and ignored. I will continuously be treated like shit, being fed bullshit lies... that can clearly  unbelievable, completely laughable. I mean...if you’re going to lie, please...PLEASE at least make it believable. But no. instead its utter bullshit.  And I have this lab report that needs to be written now, so as much as I’d like to write paragraphs and paragraphs of this, I’ll just leave it here for now.  Hopefully by the time I come back, I won’t be completely crazy. 

[thepandanyx]

Thoughts at 1:55am

I had such a horrible day today. I haven’t really had this bad of a day in quite a long time. It felt like such a slap in the face. Things have been going well, or at least not too badly for it to affect me, that I was so unguarded for today.  At this point, I just feel so hopeless in every situation that has crumbled to shit today. I try to fight back, I try to focus on my studies so I don’t fuck up again. But I can’t. I feel so hopeless. I feel so destroyed. I need time to recuperate and face everything again. But I just can’t. I don’t even have time on my side.I don’t know. I just really wanted to write down my feelings somewhere. Because I really didn’t want to say it out loud. I feel so pathetic. I just can’t wait until this quarter is over. I just want to sleep. I want to stay in the peace that is sleep forever. In the bliss that sleep can bring me. But I can’t. So I guess I’m going to have to force myself to get through this, alive or not.  

[thepandanyx]

Feelings at 1:05am

Sometimes, more often than not, I wonder to myself, is it normal for me to feel like this? Or is there something wrong with me?  I miss him. I miss him a lot. A lot more than I think I should. I wonder why I still feel attached to him even after we’ve parted ways. It’s been quite some time. And definitely a roller coaster of feelings. Some days, I feel renewed and refreshed, not wanting anything to do with him. This is not one of those days. I really wish it was. But I guess today, tonight, I miss him, and replay the times we spent together through my head over and over.  Nobody ever looked at me like he looked at me, with so much love and appreciation in his eyes.  I wish I could talk to him, or even see him, for once. And I’m not sure what hurts more. The breakup or the ruined friendship because of the breakup. It makes me really regret it. Because if I didn’t date him, I would at least be able to see him and talk to him now wouldn’t I?  I hate when I’m like this. I hate when I miss him and think about him. It makes me feel so pathetic because I know hes on the other side. I know he doesn’t think about me at all. When he used to be the one who loved me like nothing else in this world. It’s funny how the world works out, and how time can miraculously make things polar opposites.  I meant to write a piece where I feel nearly unaffected by this breakup because some days I do feel like that. But I procrastinated on it of course. And now before I even got to write my renewal post. I ended up writing this one first.

Because it’s just one of those nights. 

[thepandanyx]

An Appreciative Post @ 4:32am

So, just a few hours ago, I was out with some friends, talking on the pier and we started talking about our life stories. And just seeing a peek of their life stories, I realized, you really don’t know a single thing about someone’s life just by looking at them. You can never guess the back story behind that person. And it made me really appreciate my life and the family I grew up with, because even though we go through a lot of hardships, it wasn’t nearly at the level of what other people have dealt with.  And I think I spend a lot of time, not appreciating my family, and wishing I had less Asian parents or something like that. But, as I reflect on myself tonight, I honestly understand, that I was very protected, cared for, and loved throughout my childhood and even now. As frustrating these years have been, I really don’t have it as bad as others. And even though my parents and siblings will never read this, I would really like to express to them how grateful and appreciative I am of them. I wouldn’t be able to make it in this world without a single one of them. And I love them very much. And so since I can’t really express it to them, I’ll say it here. I love you all and I am so grateful for all the things you do for me. 

[thepandanyx]

Thoughts at 1:42am

So i’m back again, here at school.  I’m so worried about my schedule and I’m stressing out so much. I think I’m going insane somehow. I can’t get my shit together, and I’m in this limbo of school and break. I know I have to do work, but I just am not motivated to do anything. Usually I like to start off the quarter strong, but I don’t know where my strength has gone. I don’t want to clean, work out, do work, or even make an effort to socialize. I don’t know what’s happening and my mood is getting worse. I snapped and was grumpy all of today.  I hope tomorrow is better. I’m going to get my shit together. I’m going to clean, work out, and do work tomorrow. Definitely.  I hope sleep doesn’t ruin this for me. I love sleep, because who doesn’t? But it sure has a way of making you feel like all your goals set for the day doesn’t matter while you’re in bed. It has a way of enticing you into thinking that nothing matters except sleep. Do you get what I’m saying? Or did my new quarter craziness already reach my late night ramblings? I’m not sure.  I’m going a bit crazy. But I’m going to save myself. Because if I won’t, who will? 

[thepandanyx]

The signs at 2 AM

On tumblr: pisces, scorpio, libra, gemini,

Sleeping: Taurus, Cancer, virgo, Capricorn

Honestly, who even knows: aries, leo, Sagittarius, Aquarius

[thepandanyx]

Thoughts at 2:04 am

It’s becoming increasingly harder for me to continue on the path I’m on. I’m just so tired of failing that I’m becoming lost. I feel as though I have no direction to turn to. I have no idea what the future holds for me and despite that I’m trying to do my best to set a good foundation. But I have no idea what I’m doing, and day by day, I’m getting more and more discouraged. I just want to ignore everything going on around me and sink into a hole. It seems better than confronting everything.  But I know that is not an option. So, to my pathetic self at 2:04 am. FIGHTING! Keep pushing, and maybe...just maybe, everything will work out as it’s supposed to. 

[thepandanyx]

To A New Beginning

So... I've always wanted to write, but I really didn't know where to start. I always found comfort in writing and it was always the best way for me to express myself. And so...I kept a sort of...diary... You could say, whenever times got tough and I needed to let it out. This is what led me to here. To Tumblr. I figured, I would try my hand at writing and open a blog and see if this can actually become a thing for me. I'm not sure. But I guess now...time will only tell. Cheers.