| Sara | 24| Physics |

| PhD Student [3rd year] | | Condensed Matter Experiment | | Neurodivergent | They/Them |

[thephysicsgraduate]

Woah been a long time. Went into the lab and fell into a 3 year long time warp. Tired.

[thephysicsgraduate]

Story time!

During the tutorial/recitation I teach, one of the groups said they were confused halfway through the problem. As I walked up to help them, I mentioned that being confused is how we learn things! Later one student half-sarcastically said that should be the motto of the physics department. Idk if they meant to be that spot on, but that’s exactly what the motto should be!

Now I’m struggling with the two homework assignments that I’ve already spent many hours trying to solve, and I am very confused…I guess it’s a little harder to have the positive can-do attitude when I am 8+ hours deep in my own physics confusion lol.

[thephysicsgraduate]

Switching gears to focus on Stat Mech after finishing my E&M exam today feels like a breath of fresh air!

I am also biased since stat mech is indispensable to condensed matter theories. My E&M class is also pedagogically unsatisfactory, to say the least, so here I am.

I'm 1/3 of the way through my semester, which doesn't feel real, but I hope everyone is getting along well this year. I would love to hear what class or topic has been your favorite to focus on this year!

[thephysicsgraduate]

Time-dependent perturbation theory is interesting, but my homework work has also been quite messy so far. I hope to finish up this photoelectric effect problem and tidy up my solutions for the rest of the assignment tonight. That should lead me ample time tomorrow to finish my revisions for Thursday's electromagnetism exam.

If you know of a good reference for understanding the application of Green’s functions and delta functions in E&M, please let me know because my professor decided reviewing basic relativity concepts in class for the last month would be more important than those topics. :’)

[thephysicsgraduate]

Research makes me so happy!!!

I have always found solace in keeping my work tidy, organized, and clearly labeled when doing research. One of the labs that belongs to my group used to belong to a professor that retired a long time ago. It was really disorganized and messy, but my advisor announced that we have permission to clean it out and reorganize!!!

I spent an hour today helping throw out floppy disks, binders full of graphs, and samples from 20-30 years ago. There is a lot left to do, but I hope I can help organize things so that everyone can have a functional workspace!

[thephysicsgraduate]

I’m four weeks into my second semester of grad school, and so far, it seems like it is going to be more complicated than anything I saw last semester. I enjoy the classes I’m in, with the minor exception that the Classical Electromagnetism professor is a little bonkers, and the course feels kind of chaotic.

My teaching responsibilities are pretty much identical to last semester, but I don't have to work with the professor who overworked us and was rude all semester. Instead of holding office hours 9 hours/week I only have to hold them 3 hours/week which makes a big difference.

I am registered to start researching on top of everything, which I am happy about, but it's a little bittersweet. I want to dedicate myself to learning and engaging with research fully, but my classes have to come first. I like quantum 2 and Statistica Mechanics a lot, and the material is building a relevant foundation for my future work. The only trouble is that I'm spending a lot longer on the homework compared to last semester. It makes sense because some of the material is more advanced, but I posted syndrome and the pressure to get good grades continues to eat away at my soul.

The little bit that I have done with my research has been highly motivating. I even gave a presentation on an article during our group meeting! I also got trained on the High Resolution-X -Ray Diffeaction apparatus which satisfied my *i need to do lab things in a lab instead of working problems and derivations for hours* itch.

I already have an exam later this week so the next few days are going to be heavy studying/homework days. Doing my best to pace myself and keep my head above water.

[thephysicsgraduate]

I passed my first semester of grad school and I got my surveys back from the students I had to TA and they were decent!!!

Now to try to get through a very over stimulating holiday and then I get to enjoy a few weeks of quiet knitting time with my cat before jumping into the spring semester.

[thephysicsgraduate]

Falling in love with this yellow tree outside my office window even though I know it will be gone in a few short weeks.

I’m doing my best but I still have this constant itch of impending doom.

[thephysicsgraduate]

Things my research advisor said during our meeting that made me feel so thankful I made it out of my past unhealthy advisor/advisee relationship and found someone who *gets it*

“Sara you don’t need to apologize for being sick, you’ll figure it out, I don’t expect you to be productive”

“Let’s be realistic, most 1st years aren’t even doing research, you don’t need to put extra pressure on yourself. Don’t even worry about the clean room right now”

“Don’t worry about the admin stuff, just focus on getting through this semester”

“Explaining things to undergrads for an hour can be exhausting…trust me I know…it can make you want to bang your head on a wall. That’s normal and everyone has that experience, don’t be too hard on yourself.”

I’m stressed about classes and life but having this kind of support is fantastic.

[thephysicsgraduate]

The extreme fatigue, brain fog, and tachycardia I’ve been experiencing for the past 5-7 months are NOT just because grad school is stressful. I found out I have POTS (Postural Orthostatic Tachycardia Syndrome) this past week. I have been struggling tremendously this semester, especially when I don’t have many breaks, and I have to circulate classrooms while I TA. It wasn’t until I had to miss class because my resting heart rate was just “randomly” around 150-160 bpm that I realized I should go to the doctor. I tried medication to help lower my heart rate, but the side effects weren’t great so I’m going to have to go back and maybe try something else.

This puts a lot of my semester into perspective, and I feel so guilty for all of the negative self-talk I battered onto myself. I knew I should be able to accomplish the simple tasks I was struggling with, and I didn’t understand why I was so bad at all of these things. Now I’m not saying this explains EVERYTHING, there is still material that I didn’t fully master before exams, but this is a significant thing to discover. It’s hard for me to feel motivated and capable of overcoming it right now, and I don’t fully understand how to cope with the symptoms. I’m so afraid they will never go away. If anyone who stumbles on this has POTS and would like to share any advice or tricks for handling it, I would appreciate that a lot!

Besides this crazy discovery, I went to my research advisor’s house on Friday for a small dinner party with everyone in our research group. I had a lovely time, and he cooked a delicious meal for us. He also had fabulous wine and shared so much interesting information about wines in general. Probably a result of the years he spent in Paris as a postdoc before becoming a professor at my university. It was also lovely to get to know the postdoc and two 3rd year students in the group.

The group is tiny compared to others, and my advisor is relatively young. I believe he has only been at the school for 3 or 4 years now, and the other two grad students in the group are the first students he is advising. I was a little wary of this at first, but I spent a lot of time observing and getting to know the group's energy. I’m so glad I chose this group, and so far, it has been an encouraging experience. During the group meeting this week, I asked a question during another grad student’s presentation, and it was something that they hadn’t thought of before. It could be a possible contribution for interpreting the results. That made me feel happy because usually, I ask lots of introductory-level questions, and it was nice to feel like I could contribute to the discussion a little.

I also attended a grad student game night/happy hour, and one of the other students in the research group came up to make sure I got the invitation to dinner and asked if I was officially joining the group. He shared that a while back, he had a bad depressive episode, and during that time, our advisor was supportive and understanding. Hearing that makes me feel even better, and I appreciate that he was willing to share that with me. My undergrad research advisor was not supportive of my mental health at all, and we had conflicts on more than one occasion when I tried to set boundaries because of poor mental health. She repeatedly overstepped those boundaries after acknowledging that she “understood.”

I can’t wait until this summer to start doing research full-time! Then I don’t have to worry about classes. I have so many hoops to jump through before then, and I hope I’m able to make it through this year.

[thephysicsgraduate]

Hello! I'm in the second year of physics department and I always had a huge problem with this subject. Physics was always a struggle for me, the teachers at school were awful since I was 11 years old... But I chose Physics Department last year because I was thrilled about stars since I was a little kid. Though I don't understand simple geometry, actually I don't like it. But how can I become an astrophysicist if i hate geometry? Not possible. And I also feel bad, because I'm in a university that is not very "popular" in my country. Not many people choose it I think because of its location... But it has the same professional rights with the rest physics departments, I think.

Please please help me

Hello!

Don't be too hard on yourself! When I started I was pretty garbage at math, and was never great at math and physics in high school. I had to retake several math classes and early in college and I struggled a lot.

Your ability to ace a geometry pop quiz has zero connection to your value as a person. Remind yourself of this fact everyday! Having negative experiences with math as a child is a difficult mental barrier to overcome. It is something that I still struggle with to this day. Many of us have been taught growing up that "math people" were just good at math and if it didn't come naturally to you, or if you didn't love it, then it meant that you are "not a math person". This is so far from the truth!!

I hope that you can have great math professors who can help you learn, but even if you end up with a few bad ones it isn't the end of the world. Professors can be valuable tools for learning in college, but you will be doing a lot more of the work and self-educating (with aid of tutors, textbooks, and tenacity).

Connecting things back to the reason you fell in love with physics in the first place is always good. This could mean finding community with people within your department to learn about research and real life applications can help off set the negative experience with math a little. The passion/excitement/love is a fabulous thing to focus on, but I have found that there will always be times when those things feel so far away. Times when I study for days and still fail an exam, or I'm rushing to get my homework in at the last minute feeling stressed and overwhelmed, but discipline, consistency, and stubbornness will get you far!

I have to find a way to be nice to myself when make mistakes and push through difficult tasks or days knowing that I'm working so that future me can do the things that make their heart sing! It is also okay to change your mind on what you want to do, and explore other options!

I hope these ramblings help in some way and I wish you the best of luck! You can do this!

[thephysicsgraduate]

How did you become a PhD student with 22 years? Omg you're like a genious lol

Not a genius, lol! I graduated high school when I was 17 and started college right away. I graduated in 4 years and decided to try to go straight into a Ph.D. program. This route isn't the "right" way to do it by any means, and lots of my classmates are older than me. Many people got their master's degree or took a break from school before starting. After seeing the tremendous challenges I've faced in the first half of my first semester, I would never make someone feel like they have to start early if they don't want to. I personally wanted to start right away after college because of circumstances in my personal life. Also, because I felt incredibly passionate about the field, I'm going into, and I wanted to get into a lab to learn how to properly conduct research as soon as possible.

[thephysicsgraduate]

First of all I admire how far you have gotten! Congrats! Secondly, I want to ask how can I love learning physics again? I am a physics major, 3rd year, and for over the past years I have lost my passion for learning. I am still comparing myself with my classmates, and I know it is a wrong thing to do but still, it happens unconsciously. I don't know what to do, I am not motivated at all to do anything. I still have my dream of becoming an astrophysicist one day. However, it just seems impossible for me to accomplish. Subjects are starting to get complicated, and I just know that I don't know sh*t. I want to love knowledge again, any ideas, sources, tips, advice , inspiration? Sorry for my rambling. I hope you have a wonderful day!

Thank you for your kind words! Unfortunately, I don't have a magnificent answer for this, but I'm grateful that you reached out to ask because I think it's a great point to emphasize. This is something I have been struggling with immensely, especially since starting graduate school. Finishing the last year of my undergraduate degree 90-100% online was rough, and I missed out on research opportunities. The comparison thing is a nasty habit to kick, and I do my best to not think about how other students might be doing (in a comparative way). Also, keep in mind that people bullshit when discussing how "hard" an assignment or test was. Also, we all have different definitions of what "easy" means.

Like you said, though, this comparison so often happens without our own intention. Be patient and gentle with yourself. Try to think about if you were tutoring someone in a class you knew loads about. You wouldn't put them down for not knowing how to do something or struggling with a particular concept. I think trying to reorient your internal dialogue around learning Physics to be more like this can help.

Again I heavily relate to feeling like you don't know anything, and I understand how mentally exhausting assignments and tests can feel. I try to follow the wise words of my favorite author, Kurt Vonnegut, who said.

"I urge you to please notice when you are happy, and exclaim or murmur or think at some point, 'If this isn't nice, I don't know what is."

...so, whenever you find the urge to follow that wonderful sense of curiosity, do it! Notice and encourage those moments so you can look back on those moments when you have bad days.

In terms of resources, I recently stumbled upon Eleanora Svanberg's TikTok (elle.py) and Instagram (@ elle.pyc) accounts and she makes some beautiful content that I find really encouraging. She does an excellent job of being transparent about how she has not always loved studying physics/maths (and has times and classes which she currently struggles with). I really encourage you to check her content out!

Hopefully, my ramblings were a little helpful, and sorry, I don't have any profound or unconventional hacks for getting past this. Please know that you are not alone in this, and you are always welcome to reach out if you want to chat about it more.

Good luck!

[thephysicsgraduate]

An incomplete list of various events of the past week or so...

- Graded many exams last week on top of usual classwork and TA work made the week feel eternal, but I made it through somehow.

- I have a badge to enter the cleanroom!!! I had a one-on-one training session with one staff on dressing correctly and all the essential safety procedures.

- Whenever the postdoc in my research group goes to fabricate devices in the cleanroom, I get to shadow her!!! Yay!!!

- I spoke to the director of my graduate program about some of my concerns with my TA requirements for one of the professors I am assigned to work under. I was nervous, and it was difficult to get past the idea of "well, the other TAs are handling it okay, and everyone else handled it fine their first year, so you need to be fine as well.

- I also brought up an unusual comment this same professor made during a conversation with myself and another TA, which felt weird and unfair. Again, a stressful situation, but I'm doing my best to speak up when I witness casual comments or microaggressions which are even remotely sexist or discriminatory in any way.

- I'm trying to hype myself up to tell that professor that I found his comment unprofessional

- My birthday happened, and I was unfortunately unsurprised by the minimal attention or concern by any of my family members. Trying to practice caring for myself emotionally and reminding myself that their approval won't make me happy and will only come at the cost of my mental health.

- Started crocheting a new sweater this weekend and made a lot of progress on it!

- Midterms are coming up next week, and I'm trying to prepare... I need to figure out what I need to do to prepare...

- Attended the first-ever Condensed Matter journal club for my department. There aren't many students in Condensed Matter, so it was nice to get to know some other graduate students and postdocs from other groups.

- I'm struggling to feel like I belong here or deserve to be here. I'm hyper-aware of all of the ways my insecurities hold me back and warp my perception of the reality of how I'm actually doing. I'm trying to navigate getting my vision out of that frame of reference

- I miss my best friend (he is finishing his degree in psychology at my undergrad institution). I have a tough time feeling like I'm making friends with the other 1st year students. I have to recover from a week of overstimulation by spending lots of alone time on the weekends, usually when everyone else goes out to eat or go drinking.

- I'm thankful to be here and to have this opportunity. I'm excited to see how much I'm going to grow and learn over the next few weeks, months, years...

[thephysicsgraduate]

Being neurodivergent, a lot of times I struggle to understand what other people are feeling or experiencing. I’m typically horrible at giving gifts or knowing what other people want.

On rare occasions, I will be around someone who I work with and notice a minor detail which could be fixed or easily improved by some small item or simple gesture.

Then I can’t stop thinking about it until I can give it to them or figure out how to get myself to forget.

For example, I have met with my new research professor several times and when he draws on his whiteboard to explain something his markers are so dried out. So I tied an extra dry erase marker I had to a string and hung it from his door. Why don’t I just give it to him directly? Can’t do that, I’ve already overanalyzed the situation in my head. Besides I feel better that it’s anonymous because then I don’t have to navigate any awkward conversations that might be a result.

[thephysicsgraduate]

I haven't posted in a while, and I guess I just haven't been sure exactly how I feel about things, and it has been challenging to talk about in general. *sigh* so the big things...

I got the results from 2/3 of my qualifying exams, and I didn't pass. I knew that the week of the exams was particularly tolling on my mental health, and I didn't feel great about them, but getting the official email made it real. This is not the end of the world. I told myself it would be okay, and I encouraged my classmates that it would be okay if they didn't pass. It just feels so garbage. If I can manage at least an A- in the graduate level classes this semester and the spring, then I won't have to retake the exams, which is nice... but also puts a lot of pressure on the semester. If they aren't waived I will try again in May. I know deep down that I am capable of passing, and I can clear up the details I was rusty on that killed me on these rounds of exams.

As easy as it is to say that it will be fine, it doesn't feel like it. The past week has been full of so much self-doubt and feeling inadequate and dumb. I'm trying to pick myself back up and reintegrate back into "regular" life. I don't want to make any excuses, and I am sure, in retrospect, there are topics I missed when I missed a week due to health issues. I can't change the past, so I'll keep trying.

I dropped my intro to solid-state physics class to give myself more time to focus on my core classes and my teaching assignments. Even though this is a healthy thing for me to do, it just felt like tossing a little fuel on the imposter syndrome flame that has been raging recently. The best way to deal with imposter syndrome is to talk about it, though, and this shout into the internet void is the best I can manage right now.

Now the exciting news (if you made it this far, thank you! I appreciate you!) I found a research advisor I want to work with, and we got coffee at the student center the other day. I told him that I was interested in his group, and he responded well! It sounds like there will be funding, and I should be able to start on a Research Assistantship in the Fall of next year! I've done many lurking around the labs and reading loads of papers, and I feel so good about things! One of his current grad students was honest about his experience, and it sounded very supportive and healthy. When I meet with this professor to discuss possible research projects, I appreciate that he always talks to me as an equal and takes time to explain key concepts along the way. I convince myself all the time that it is some punishable offense that I'm not proficient in all of condensed matter physics, but that is just so ridiculous. I'm here to learn, train, and explore the field. We discussed next summer a little, and he said that if I want, we can design a smaller research goal together that will be a little more directed and goal-oriented, and that is just exactly what I need! He also seems hands-off enough to allow me to explore my research questions and ideas in the future, which is so exciting!!

My first-day leading tutorials will be tomorrow, and I'm kind of nervous, and I really want it to go well! Overall I am happy that my assignments involve tutorials and help sessions instead of labs. Despite my strong preference for experimental research, I struggle to work as a lab instructor because the noise and environment are overstimulating and cause a mild shutdown to recover after. It is also more uncertain how I will be helping people, which makes it difficult to imagine the situation beforehand and feel prepared. With the tutorial sessions, I have a chance to work the problems out on my own, so I feel better about navigating the interactions with students.

Does anyone have advice on how to be a good TA and how to have successful student interactions? Even if you haven't taught, what are things that your TAs have done well (or not so well) in the past?

[thephysicsgraduate]

There are too many first-year graduate students for everyone to fit in the old office, so they dumped us in the abandoned library. I made myself a quaint (albeit temporary) home in a corner by a window.

Still no news on the results of the qualifying exams yet. I'm enjoying not knowing the results, but I will have to face them soon.

I'm only halfway through day two of the semester, and I am enjoying diving into to content of my courses. I'm apprehensive because most of my teaching responsibilities won't be in full swing until next week, and I'm afraid I won't have time for everything. Unfortunately, one professor, who I'm not a real fan of, has dictated that the TA's help sessions run from 6-8 pm on Mondays, 6-9 pm Tuesdays, and 6-10 pm Wednesdays. That means I will have to be at school for more than 12 hours, and I won't get to see my partner at all :(.

Staying 100% positive right now is challenging because the uncertainty of everything is immense, and I'm unfamiliar with the mental landscape I will have to traverse to ensure I stay on track with everything. I want to start research instead of TA assignments this semester, but I don't have funding from any special fellowships or grants. It's not that I hate being a TA, I don't have a passion or extraordinary gift for teaching, and it doesn't fuel my inspiration for the field. Research does that, and I have but crumbs of time remaining in a week to read articles and pursue those endeavors.