The Poll Vault

The political miscaptionings of S.A. Gordon, author of Hung Parliament, The Young Royals and the Open Season series

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‘You the man!’ Opposition Leader Bill Shorten attempts to win affection from his front bench.

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One is the loneliest number that you’ll ever do ...

Ex-Deputy Barn manages to indulge in some self-pity. 

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‘So what do I call you - Mike? Mikey? Mac? Mac-Mikey?’

PM Malc gets to know his new deputy PM, Michael McCormack. 

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I may be on the back bench but it’s a long time until the next election ...

Ex-Deputy Barn enjoys his new position. 

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Ah, Barnaby ... he probably should have stayed a Kiwi.

PM Malc has sage thoughts. 

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Oh, rats - I’m in that frame with Barnaby, aren’t I?

While ever alert to ‘the optics’, Leader of the House Christopher Pyne finds he’s not fit enough to run away from a photographer. 

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‘And you are ...?

Ex-PM Kev inadvertently reveals that he hasn’t kept up with federal politics since he left office.

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Dear God, please let me keep my seat on the front bench.

Seizing an opportunity while PM Malc intones, Deputy Barn enlists help to avoid the consequences of his actions.

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‘Sorry, Barney? Barney who? Oh - Nabby, you say? Sorry, don’t know a Nabby.’

PM Malc attempts to answer a journalist’s question about that hot topic Barnaby Joyce.

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‘Let me tell you what I’d do about Barnaby Joyce ...’

On a visit to Parliament House, ex-PM Kev fails to resist an opportunity to give some advice.

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‘Psst - wanna hold hands?’

‘Um ... it’s not that I don’t like you, Chris, but we’re not lining up for a school excursion. We’re running the shadow government.’

The Member for Fenner and the Member for McMahon share a moment.

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‘And it’s good to have Barnaby back in his rightful home ... New England, not New Zealand! Ha! Ha!’

Refreshed after his summer break, PM Malc has some fun during Question Time. 

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Although hard to discern amongst the unsurprisingly homogeneous Coalition front bench, newly crowned Minister for Agriculture and Water Resources David Littleproud and Minister for Regional Development, Territories and Local Government John McVeigh are sure to bring some diverse .... opinions to the party room. 

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‘Mr President, the High Commissioner to Great Britain is occupying the seat where a senator should rightfully be. Especially since he just told me he’s already living on “Big Ben time”.’

Senator Penny Wong would like Senator George Brandis to leave his job sooner rather than later.

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Hmm ... am I Australian? Should I check? Wait - I wear Speedos. I play sport. I drink beer ... Phew.

As Parliament resumes for the year, ex-PM Tony has a mini citizenship crisis of his own.

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‘Marriage is a sacred, holy, special institution and God says only a man and a woman can get married because it’s so special that only a man and a woman can handle it and anyway I am not with my wife any more but I’m still a man and she is still a woman, so that’s all there is to know about it. What’s that? I can’t hear what the Opposition is saying I think they are catcalling me Mr Speaker maybe they don’t like me mentioning God, oh well, Christmas is coming, let’s move on to talking about Santa Claus who has been married to Mrs Claus for a very long time, they are making man-woman marriage work, isn’t it a beautiful thing?’

Deputy Barn makes an announcement.

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Too late for Halloween, ex-PM Tony tries out his Quasimodo impersonation.