Portrait of a Growing Soul

The personal diary of a young boy.

[theportraitofagrowingsoul]

Random Thought #0013

About Being Genuine

Welp, hey, after three days of the disaster. I’m here at the cafeteria again, same situation as last time, waiting for classes to start since I arrived early because of the situation of my best friend with her future girlfriend (possibly). Lot of envy there, not gonna lie.

My emotions have been a mess ever since, I exploded last night to my bff again (switching to that instead of the name I gave him, sounds too melodramatic with the fake names). I’ve been sort of joking, sort of being serious by comparing my mental state to the percentage that it shows on Mob Psycho. Been setting it on my state until I changed it to 100%. A call for attention, I know, but the explosion of emotions was genuine. And that’s what I want to talk about today.

I sort of just want to accept that I’m a mess, that I’m only happy when things go my way (who wouldn’t, but my emotions shouldn’t be so unbalanced). The more I think about it, that night I talked to the new girl, I guess Ellie for reference. I lied to myself thinking that I was happy no matter what for trying to talk to someone new. I now realize that if I had made her uncomfortable or if she had asked someone else to help her with homework, I’d have considered it a failure and get depressed over it. So, in the end only the results mattered that day as well.

This post isn’t really to try to convince myself of changing my way of thinking. The criticism to my train of thought is obvious, right? ‘’You have to be happy with the fact that you tried and are moving forward, the results will come eventually’’. Well, sure, but I have tried this over and over again. Always trying to see what’s wrong and bam, a solution, but not really. It only lasts for like a couple of weeks and I can never hold it. And what does it matter really? I would drop it one way or another once I was happy and got results again.

There are so many things I feel curious about lately. I think one of the solutions I found in the spring break with the girl was that I was way too closed, without even realizing it. But it’s not just about being closed, I’m just not a genuine person in general. That’s why people feel so uncomfortable around me as well, maybe there are other factors, that’s clear, but I can’t differentiate them right now. It’s hard for me to fix this, I get myself in ‘’haha jokey’’ mode instantly as a reflex already and I don’t even realize how awkward I was being until the interaction is over. And even when there are times when I do realize, it doesn’t really help, if anything I usually just get more nervous.

I want to be more genuine but I don’t really know how. It’s a reflex as I said, can’t help it from one day to another without seeming like a serious ass. Practice? I don’t know, been ‘’practicing’’ since college started and I’m the same person I was in school, except that I’m closely related to someone who is actually making contacts, that’s the only reason why it isn’t extremely noticeable.

There are a few starts that I guess I can make, like actually going all out with questions about myself, without going overboard of course. Stop pretending ‘’haha, I’m going to act all serious now!’’ just to fall apart a few hours later because I’M NOT ok, and is idiotic to pretend otherwise. I also can’t just write ‘’hell yeah, I’m going to be more genuine from now on’’ because every plan crumbles every time I’m in the actual situation, I become weak and I just become more disappointed at myself.

I can’t help it in a way, like, what do I want to do today? I want to face one of the members of our group project because he has been irresponsible throughout the whole thing, but will I actually do it? I doubt it. And if I start to do it, it definitely won’t got as I’m expecting it, the situation will probably not present itself to begin with, or I won’t be able to force it.

Besides, what else is being genuine? I’m in a super edgy mode right now, and I want to act all cold, all separated, but that’s me calling for attention, isn’t it? It’s not being genuine. If a teacher were to ask ‘’Ok, choose your group for the projects!’’. I’d instantly want to choose the girl I like, but what I would do is act all cool and shrink and say ‘’I don’t care who I am with hehe’’ but I do, I’m just not acting upon it because I fear I’m bothering, I fear being rejected. And the worst is that even if I recognize that I can’t convince myself that’s not the case.

How many people do I hear, even myself, talking how someone is being mildly annoying and don’t really want to interact with them? With how uncomfortable I am, I’m pretty sure a lot of people see me that way, I doubt I’m actually wanted, or people are actually like ‘’yeah! I wouldn’t mind being in the same group as him!’’. And technically I’m lying to myself by saying I care about that with everyone, I just care about the girl I like to see me that way. To accept me. And I can’t even tell if that’s just low key being a psycho because at what point am I doing it because I like her and at what point am I doing it to say ‘’HAHA, I did it! I got a cute girl’’. Like jesus, I disgust myself.

I don’t know, I’m so used to making calls of attention, of shielding myself, that I can’t even tell when I’m being genuine with what I’m doing and saying and when am I just acting out of reflex. I just want things to go my way, man. I want the girl to just come and hug me and nothing else. I want everyone to like me, I’m not going to lie. I don’t see worth in myself I suppose, I consider myself interesting? But I don’t really put that into consideration if I don’t have anyone. The thing is, I do have people, but not the people I WANT. And it’s incredibly childish and stupid, but I just see my best friend attracting everyone and making himself friends with everyone he WANTS and I can’t believe my eyes. If he wants to approach someone, he does it, and so on.

I don’t know how I will act from now on, it doesn’t matter what I plan, it doesn’t matter what I predict, everything changes in the moment out of the situation itself or myself shrinking. Being genuine sounds nice, but isn’t this one more solution that I’ll think ‘’bingo! I found the answer’’ and just get rid of it the next day because it didn’t work or because I realize I just can’t do it?

I’m useless socially, I need people to do the work for me, I can’t act on my own, I’m too used to people acting in my behalf, on doing all the work, that’s why I’m so ‘’receptive’’, is not being receptive, is just that I’ll accept anything that comes into my way. If the redhead from the first couple of weeks were to break up with his boyfriend and come to me and say that she loves me, just after a couple of conversations, would I forget everything about the new girl? At this point I feel like I would, I’m what you would consider an easy person, and that’s sad.

I cringe now at my old post saying I considered myself wiser than people my age, back when I was 16, I also wrote there that it would end once I got out of school, but I think is not even that, I just always been stupid overall, I’m more fucked up than I thought. And I’m writing this because I want someone to tell me that I’m not, to prove me wrong, to show me love, but not anyone, just the ones I want. Because I’m selfish, and that’s all there is.

I’ll finish writing the tale I have to write now, if I have time.

[theportraitofagrowingsoul]

Random Thought #0012

About Catching Up

Hello again, I’m back. The fact that I pretty much disappear from this blog every time things are fine really shows that I pretty much just vent here. I guess that isn’t a bad thing exactly but in a way you really can’t see much of a progress in my way of changing my mind.

Right now I can’t deny that I’m in a good mood. All of the spring break was spent with Ellie. Thanks to Taro (will think of another name later, because Taro sounds really stupid). Ellie wanted to study all of spring break with Taro, but he included me, and she happily accepted. And what made me really happy is that it all went well. We stayed alone on the last day, it was a so-so situation. It was about 4 hours, and the first 2 were pretty awkward and stiff, but the other 2 hours went pretty smoothly and nicely. So now I’m happier. 

I calmed down more, as you can see in my last post in which I was going with an all out attack to Ellie, but now I calmed down A LOT. A lot of it is owed that, yeah, I spent enough time with her for a week. Second, she pretty much left it clear in a lot of conversations that she doesn’t like that love-love situation that some people have, if love happens, she wants it to happen naturally, very naturally, going through all the process of friendship first. That doesn’t mean she is a vanilla person though, not at all really. She told me a lot of stuff that I didn’t expect at all from her, but at the same time it made me even more interested in her. In fact, I stopped ‘’liking’’ her in a superficial way, now she genuinely has a special place with me, I love her as a friend, and if something happens romantically, I’ll be happy. 

HOWEVER, something a little more fucked up happened. I think I wrote here how touchy she was, and that I overall found it weird. But now I think my beta feelings have activated, because now I’m actually eager to receive the touch, I look for it, I bait it. And I really think that’s not very good, but I can’t tell, overall I just relate that to people who are needy to unhealthy levels, which I guess I could be to a certain extent. 

Thanks to my good mood though, which i still don’t trust, like, I’m not really emotionally stable. Something remotely bad happens today and watch me go down into a spiral again, I can’t depend on that but I also can’t control it yet. But anyways, thanks to my good mood I’m actually thinking more and more about creating stronger bonds with people, and not just on Ellie. And that’s nice, hopefully I can be a normal human being now I guess haha. But it will be a long progress. I want to go and have piano classes with Jesus, I will go to the gym soon, I have the Ellie quest, homework and exams from college and I also want to come back to the language stuff, but I think the last one would be too much because I would burn out. Specially considering that I have the project with my brother still. 

About Trust

Aaaaand fuck it all. I was writing that as I was in college waiting for classes to start, since I came by walking. The whole day went regular, pointing to good. Hell, Ellie even talked to me and told me she was coming late like old times. It seemed like EVERYTHING was back to normal, that the spring break was coming into fruition. I felt more happy, I felt less focused in Ellie and at the same time I ‘’got her back’’. I learnt a lot of things, like how being open is good, how I suck at light and wide rapport, so many things, and all of that can go and fuck itself thanks to a classmate. 

He is a classmate we take home and have some deep conversations when we arrive at his home. I never really mention anything about me, I join the conversations but overall I never opened myself to him even though he did to us, and Taro to him. So today he mentioned ‘’Hey, I noticed you and Ellie have something between you two, is that so?’’. I was already considering to open myself to him, considering all the lessons I mentioned before, and how much context to do so I had with him. And so I took that chance and I did. 

I told him basically everything about Ellie, without going into details though. Way too much info. We were joking about how she left me in ‘’seen’’, my last messages with her. And what the fuck do I know? As we were doing that he sent to Ellie ‘’Hey, [Insert my Name] is crying here because you left him in seen’’. I swear my heart stopped for a sec, I just couldn’t fucking believe what I was reading. It was impossible to hide the fact that I was fucking angry, so I asked him to leave the car. During that whole time he just kept joking, so fuck him.

Probably the worst thing about all of that is how I was starting to exclusively focus on friendship with Ellie, I wanted to erase my previous fuck ups and let her know that I appreciate her as a friend. It was working, hell, IT WAS WORKING. Everything was set back to normal and more, it was amazing. And then this fucking dude comes and does that, now I’m back to 0. I’ll be awkward as fuck, I now have someone I despise in class, now there will be that whole awkwardness between Ellie and me again because I won’t know how to handle it. I won’t know what’s normal anymore. Fuck everything. FUCK FUCK FUCK FCUASJ. IT FUCKING RUINED THE SPRING BREAK, IT PUSHED ME SO FAR BACK, FUCK. EVERYTHING. 

What was going to be basically a fresh start, even noticeable in my first paragraphs of this post, now is ruined and now it will take a while for me to get running again. Man, I really hate people, I love them and don’t want to be edgy, but fuck man. These are the sort of things that leave a mark and make me not want to open to people. I do it one time and I fucking die. Ugh, whatever I guess. Let’s see how it goes from here, the damage is done :).

I’ll update at the end of the week how much damage it is. 

[theportraitofagrowingsoul]

Random Thought #0011

About Pushing My Way Through

Okay, so I’m writing this on an emotional peak, so I can’t tell 100% how much of this will stay. So I know now that Ellie talks to Taro, and she probably trusts him more than me, for a certain message I sent last time. So whatever. 

I suck, I know, I’m overshadowed by my cousin, I lack confidence, I’m dumb, I’m an idiot, I’m saying this in a good mood but I know a few hours later I’ll wake up with the worst self esteem ever. Doesn’t matter, I’ll write what I can now. 

I’ll push it all, I like Ellie, I really like her, so I won’t give up with bad signals, nor I’ll give up with anything else with bad signals that aren’t secured. I’ll pursue Ellie, and get a satisfactory answer over time. I can’t back away and be a pussy like always. It’s enough of that.

I’ll suffer a bunch, I really will, I want to avoid this train of thought but I’m sure that as much as I like Ellie, I will never get the same feelings back to me. But I’ll suffer try, instead of regretting later. The thing I really fear is pushing her away, before even doing anything for starters, that would be pretty sad. 

Well anyways, I’ll trow my cards and moves, and see how it goes. I know I’m going too fast, but I’m afraid of what will happen as things calm down. No one knows, I want to try stuff, this is my time of trial and error. 

GOOD FUCKING LUCK TO ME, THIS MIGHT BE OVER IN A DAY, SO YEAH.

[theportraitofagrowingsoul]

Random Thought #0010

About Whatever I Can Write While Bored 

So, I’m here at college 2 hours before class starts, although I guess that’s an exaggeration now since 40 minutes have passed since then. I’m sitting at the cafeteria, talking to some people like Matthew and a discord dude. Matthew suggested me to write on the blog to pass time, so I’ll do that. 

I didn’t finish writing yesterday but I posted what I had already anyways. My mental state hasn’t really improved, and I’m considering to see a therapist. However, there are many things that really bother me about that option. 

I’ve been always curious about going to a therapist but never actually felt close to really needing it until now, and even now I’m sort of doubting whether I do or no. And there is the fact that of course it costs money, and I can’t afford to waste another 75 bucks per month on top of college, and other expenses. It’s too much. And while the solution is to start working, I don’t want to work yet. 

I’ve been thinking to just take the mindset of fuck everything today, and see if it helps socially, but as much as I think about it, I doubt I’ll actually do it. I can’t really trust on myself with that anymore. It’s really a hard dilema, the whole thing. The easy solution is to stop trying all of this, but then school 2.0 would happen socially. Yes, I’d be more at peace, but not really happy, I’d hide behind excuses again. However, if I keep trying, there is a chance I’ll just go deeper into the emotional shithole while also having a chance of grow and being more happy. So yeah, basically the first time I’m ‘’gambling’’ and risking something in my life. 

I don’t know, there is a lot to think about there. Ellie is also killing my head, I really like her, I really find her beautiful, and yet slowly but surely I’ve been feeling that I have no chance at all. I can’t even say how much of that is owed to my self esteem. But it hurts me so much, it’s basically experiencing rejection and all of that without even getting to that phase. It’s extremely ridiculous, so I hate my mind processing all of that this way. 

Ah, well, I guess another thing to write about today are the heads for my drawing class. I suck at them, and that frustration isn’t helping considering I’m frustrated everywhere else. So I’m thinking of skipping classes tomorrow and just study heads. The thing I fucking hate about that is that I know I’m doing it also because I want Ellie to worry about me, to send me a message to ask me if I’m okay. I’m setting all of these ssstupid ass options, knowing they are likely to not happen, giving myself hope, just to be extra frustrated later. It already frustrates me knowing it won’t happen. Well, I guess writing all of this makes me realize that I’m indeed super bad in the head right now, I need to do something to distract myself but every time I close my eyes I imagine 10.000 other choices with Ellie, social interactions, etc. etc. 

Ay, I don’t know if it’s good or bad to write all of this minutes away from meeting people, I feel angry and downed now, but we will see. I feel super edgy cursing but it’s a way to channel anger???? I guess that’s even more edgy haha. Well, at least I made myself laugh a little. 

That’s all, people will be arriving now so I’ll get closer to the place near the schedule board. Hopefully this week goes better, really hope so.

[theportraitofagrowingsoul]

Random Thought #0009

About Self Esteem

I just wrote pretty much what I’m going to write right now in a reddit post, but I had no answers so I guess I have no other choice but to write here and let stuff off my chest. It’s currently April 7th.

I’ve been having sort of a breakdown this week, after all of the journey that college has been, it’s only week six and I’ve been fucking crumbling apart lately. My self esteem has been in the deepest depths of hell lately, I feel like I annoy everyone and my thoughts of not being worth much has arisen and gotten to the next level. I think I didn’t write about the fact that I came crying last wednesday. But that isn’t even that big of a deal compared to crying in front of Taro. 

I asked him to go ‘’all out’’ on Ellie, and if he happens to overshadow me again, so be it. It’s worse for my mind to become close to someone for the mere fact that everyone contains themselves. The overshadowing is going to happen, I don’t doubt that, or maybe my self esteem is just so low that I have convinced myself of that, but Taro thinks the same in a way. 

I don’t know, I want to think I’m just dwelling to heavily on negative feelings, that I’m exaggerating things. But am I really considering I cry every time I talk about the subject? I can’t even tell, I think I have really bottled up a bunch of shit. I’ve never been affected to this point, if I’m being honest. 

What can I say? I guess, I’ll just say why I consider myself so worthless, since I read a post that writing about the stuff that you have issues with helps a bunch. So I’ll just start destroying myself, but first, I’ll talk to one of my old school friends about it.          

[theportraitofagrowingsoul]

Random Thought #0008

About Self Confidence and Idealizing People

I’m writing again about the same subject haha, but I guess it is to be expected, it’s been on my mind for these past weeks. I’ll start putting some dates on these so I don’t get lost. Right now it’s 31th March, 2019. 

Since last time I wrote, in where I wasn’t sure how to proceed with the New Girl, who I will now call Ellie (totally unrelated but I figure I should put a name), I talked to her during the break and I got a very positive reaction, and more of that in future times, so I’m happy with that, I’m happy I actually got to gain her trust. However, I’ve been further pushing my ‘’love feelings’’ towards her, to the point where I was completely sure that in the future she would be my girlfriend or something. I hate that, it feels good, but it’s not reality, and it’s a rushed thought.

 Hate it or not, I did ask for romantic advice to both my brother and my best friend, who I will now call Taro. My brother told me some tips but the conversation as a whole ended in the fact that I should be more confident, and that’s really a lot of what it depends on, romantic intentions or not. And it’s true, I wouldn’t be overthinking everything, getting wary of what interaction will make me look x or y way because in the end I won’t do anything. I’ll become a boring person that doesn’t really have any sort of opinion or an interesting quirk. I already knew this, but is hard to swallow. My tastes, my opinions, I don’t consider them to be super special or contrarian, in fact, a lot of times it I find people similar, but they are still a minority. I really doubt that truly being myself will be good, but as I’m writing this I realize it might be excuses I’m telling myself and nothing else. I’m so afraid of scaring people I like away by being full blown myself, but I understand that I won’t get close to anyone either by basically being a blank paper, is just not that easy to actually apply it. 

The thing Taro said was basically that I don’t stand a chance with Ellie in a romantic way as things are. For a detail I forgot to mention: I just found Ellie’s twitter and she seems completely different from the image she gave me in class, she is a model and seems like a party girl. I’ll expand on how I feel later, but for now I’ll just say that it widened the gap I had with her by a lot. And that’s basically what Taro referred to, that there is in fact a gap. I understand that, I was going to proceed as usual but the instagram Ellie I saw completely changed my perception of her to the point where I now feel nervous again. I don’t want things to go the way it went with the redhead (who I will now call Ginny). 

And with that I want to jump to my next point, my idealization of people. It happens with freaking everyone. Whenever I meet someone new and there is ONE single thing I find interesting I start building this super idealized person, and in the progress I’m convincing myself that is not unrealistic, except it always is. I’ll give an example with Ellie for example, based on this couple of days, how far off my imagination went. 

My slow progress of idealization of Ellie: Super nice girl, probably a bit shy. Wow, she has a pikachu profile picture instead of her face? That’s odd, there is a possibility she is a geek then... nah, that’s far fetched, but maybe so. Mhm, she seems so innocent, maybe she is a virgin like me? Who wants a vanilla relationship with someone? (super creepy thoughts, I know, don’t think I don’t hate them). Ah, I seem to be the one in the class she trusts the most, maybe she has a small interest in me :). She seems a bit clumsy? I probably know a few more things than her besides the age gap. She must be the type of person that enjoys small reunions and doesn’t like to drink or say swear words, so innocent and vanilla!

Welp, yeah, that’s how I basically how with every person, in my mind I start shaping them as the ideal person I want to meet based on every subtle sign. The thing is, this idealization sort of helps me to socialize with people, I might discover later that it is not what I thought, and sometimes I am indeed an asshole and sort of lose interest in them. But other times it actually gets me closer to people. But is still bad, right now, my idealization of Ellie is gone. Being a party girl, I’m probably way far off. I definitely feel she has more experience than me now, when I saw the different jobs she has. And now I feel super inferior, like an awkward clumsy geek compared to this ‘’chad’’ girl. I feel like in any moment she will realize that in be like ‘’oh, shoot, why am I hanging out with this guy’’. And that’s where my confidence betrays me. 

But jesus, she has a pikachu profile picture and is super nice to talk to in class. Why does knowing her other side affects me so much? With every person really, I myself have super different faces, a lot of them I would be disappointed to find in other people, as well as stuff I would be happy to find. I convince myself so much that I’d happily accept people’s flaws when it’s not true at all. In fact, I think that’s where my insecurity comes from, I judge people so heavily about flaws or anything else, that I, myself have, that I end up closing myself. If I don’t accept the flaws other people have, that I share, how could I ever accept myself? How could I even gain confidence? 

I’ll write who I really am here, with my multiple facets so I can remind myself that I’m not perfect at all: 

I strive for a vanilla life and relationship, I feel sensitive about sexual subjects and vulgarity as well as people talking behind other’s back, and it’s almost always what I search in an ideal person. On the other hand, I fap a lot, to some weird shit. I administrate fetish focused discord servers and I have exchanged nudes and had dirty talk with a lot of people online. I had a weird sexual relationship with a friend that almost destroyed our friendship. While I’m still open to people, I do talk shit about a lot of people, heavily so. If I’m horny, and were offered any sort of sexual stuff, I’d accept. 

I feel disappointed in party people, but I myself always get drunk in parties and I’d probably be on more if it didn’t cost that much and I was more socially accepted. I’d probably kiss every nice girl I had the chance to kiss. 

I love anime and I dislike when people act like elitist, but I’m somewhat of an elitist myself, and this also applies to any sort of things like games. Basically I believe myself to be, hypocritically so, in the middle point between a casual and an expert, and I’m sure everyone thinks the same about themselves. 

I realize how much of an hypocrite I am, I shouldn’t be judging people with their other sides when I myself have even worse ones. And does a side of me affect the other one? No, if someone perceives as a nice dude, the weird shit part doesn’t change that, so why would I think it does in other people? I’m pretty sure I lowkey wrote about this in one of my first posts, but I feel like I have different perception now.

So what should I do? Should I slowly convert myself more and more towards my ideal self? Towards the person I want to meet? I’m thinking so but at the same time I believe it’s also stupid to deny the entirety of my weird size and desires. I should just balance them out in a way that I’m inside my standards while not being unrealistic as hell. I have good and bad sides, just like everyone else, so I can’t feel disappointed over what other people do. 

I feel more relieved after writing this and discussing it with other people, so I’m glad I did. That’s everything.

DoOoJyAaAn~~

[theportraitofagrowingsoul]

Random Thought #0007

About Stress and Proceeding with Friendhips

My last random thought was about my first baby steps and how proud I was, and I’m not really jumping from that to this so suddenly, I just got lazy and didn’t write the rest of the week last time. But, last week was a blast after those baby steps, and I actually started this one very well but everything sort of crumbled yesterday alone. 

I’m not sure about where should I start but I guess I’ll start with the homework. We had to make a rather long homework about some local artists and a creative folder alongside it. I started late and I didn’t have the time to make the homework I wanted, it was my irresponsibility but I finished it on the exact deadline and after that I just became super stressed and agitated. I arrived at college with a long face and, again, pretty agitated. Then a bunch of things started piling up. 

First of all, the redhead still stresses me the hell out of me and she sat next to my friend, right in the row behind me. Every time I turned around I talked only to my friend and ignored her, and that ended up stressing me more actually. Then, the teacher asked us to draw heads, I knew I couldn’t do it greatly but I don’t know if it truly was just the stress but every one of them came awful compared to the rest. That just made me more stressed. On top of all that, I felt all of the interactions towards me as negative, and the dude that sat next to me is such a nice guy but I just have a hard time talking to him and finding a common conversation, he is awkward, I’m awkward, that just doesn’t go so well.

Now I have to do a homework for tomorrow and I haven’t started because laziness and once again I WOKE UP AT 1 PM. But tonight... I’ll drink coffee and spend all night doing the homework, it might accumulate stress but it’s my own fault after all. I’m not keeping up with the college’s pace and that’s my own fault, every point lost here is lost forever, no deals, so I must try harder.  

That’s stress regarding college, then I have the stress that is accumulating over the new girl, I’ll put key names to these people at the end of this post so I don’t get confused myself when writing them, but New Girl it is now. I’m struggling with my feelings towards her, I was attracted to the redhead just the first week by her ideal self alone and as soon as a new girl shows up I like her? I feel so bad about that, I never had a girlfriend before, just close to one but like.. back then in 7th Grade. So I feel like these are desperate feelings, I find her funny, pretty and nice but I don’t know much of her. I don’t know her job very well, I don’t know her tastes, I don’t know other sides of her, and I’ve only known her for a week. The exact same happened with the redhead so I’m super unsure about accepting the feelings and say ‘’Yes, I like her, I’d like to date her’’ or just sort of negate them, in a ‘’logical’’ manner because they are such desperate feelings and I’m bothered by them.

However, those feelings themselves aren’t what are truly bothering me, I do actually want to be her friend because I genuinely find her really nice, like any other person but I don’t know how to jump to the friendship phase. I haven’t made proper new friends in 7 years.I know the general advice is to let things flow naturally, but there is an actual way of saying ‘’Wow, I’d really want to befriend this person!’’ and actually doing it. Whether you are actually compatible is another thing but the thing is that there are ways of making this an active thing, and I don’t know how to do it without it being forceful. Like I was super lucky with the New Girl, she sat next to me the first day, she relied on me for the homework, the days after that we sat next to each other again and so on. But now, she asks the group already (which yeah, I’m jealous of but I shouldn’t be) and yesterday she sat way far away from me. It’s super selfish from my part, because it’s basically wishing for her to be away from the group and ask stuff to me only, so I won’t really further enforce that feeling. Then, now that she is already partaking on group affairs, what context do I have now to get to know her? To be her friend?. I could ask the same with everyone, because I really don’t know. But I’m sort of more focused on the New Girl for the mere fact that I have those romantic feelings, honestly if she were to read this she would think I’m such a creep, and I can’t tell if I am or I just sound like one for writing all of my thoughts, I assume people would sound like creeps as well if they admitted feelings they didn’t want to admit. 

Well, anyways, my current mood just come to show how much it affects me to have a single good day or a single bad day. It completely changes my perception daily and that’s not good at all. I wish myself luck to make new friends, befriend the New Girl and everyone you find to be an interesting person. How? Well, you'll sadly have to discover that through trial and error, if you even have the guts to do that. Please be more responsible, it will make you happy. Don’t let single days sink you down or get you in the top of a mountain, embrace them as negative or positive feelings but don’t hold them in a pedestal. Here is to a new day, that being positive or negative, you are responsible for some things to be that way. Don’t hold yourself down for things that are outside of your control, just be yourself, man. Don’t let feelings dominate you but don’t ignore them either, find a balance, I trust you can do it.

Until next time, myself!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Cringe at this future me, you idiot.

[theportraitofagrowingsoul]

Random Anything #0003

Small Things I Want to do and Schedule 

I will have to write down the stuff I want to get my life together with, I do this like every 2 months, and fail, ouchie. But still, giving up is worse I suppose. 

First of all I’ll put the things I want to do at the moment (22/03/19) 

Draw: Realistically I can do this in the morning, I just need to fix my damn schedule! I’d start at 10 AM and do it for at least an hour or lunch time. 

Learn French/Japanese: I can definitely put at least 15 minutes of this somewhere in my day, after drawing preferably. 

Exercise and Diet: I’m thinking of starting the gym but that’s more money, so maybe after the things I have to pay calm down. I guess I’d put this even earlier than drawing. I can start the diet right away, but is VERY hard to maintain a proper willpower, but I’ll try. 

Homework and Studying in General: Depending on how long or hard it is, this will take place after the activities mentioned before but preferably the homework should be done the day before or during the weekend. If it’s too long/hard then it will have to replace the activities above. 

Alright! I think that’s all, I’m working on the website I wanted to do for the college group right now, hopefully it works because I’m super clueless on how to work with this haha. 

[theportraitofagrowingsoul]

Random Thought #006

ABOUT MAKING MY FIRST BABY STEPS!!

I’M SO HAPPY!!! First of all, I’m writing this the same day I wrote the Random Thought #005. I actually took a decision and justified it! It was based on fear, and I’m pretty sure I’ll have to choose the other option next time, but at least I took a decision. Baby steps are still steps. 

Today my cousin presented the project and it was low-key rejected, but we will have to further discuss it this Friday with the rest of the group and the class. HOWEVER, that’s not what makes me super happy. See how I always depend on Marcelo, I was overshadowed by him and such?  WELL NOT TODAY. 

A new female classmate came out of nowhere, and honestly I told this story three times already so I assume next time you read this you will know what I’m talking about. You sat alone, no one sat there, etc. AND I DID IT, I REUNITED ALL OF MY COURAGE AND ACTUALLY TALKED TO HER, I WAS THE FIRST TO TALK TO HER. I was extremely awkward, but at least I fucking did it. And it actually went super well! I got her number (obviously not saying this in a flirty way), which in was in the most correct of contexts but in general I’m super shy in asking even stuff like numbers, social media and stuff because I feel way too intrusive. 

THEN, I got home and actually MESSAGED HER FIRST, instead of waiting to feel comfortable or having a good opportunity. And while the whole conversation was in the context of homework and such, it went freaking GREAT, I was super proud of it and told basically anyone close enough. 

Now, I’ll be honest and give the more serious approach to this. I’m afraid that I’m only this happy because is a girl, I mean, of course it probably makes me a bit happier, but I believe overall I’d be equally happy to manage this interaction with a dude. But, really that’s not the main issue. I managed to take my baby steps, but in general I still have that problem of feeling like an overall boring person, and right now, I have the privilege of being the first one to talk to her. 

What really bothers me about that is that from now on, she will get to know the rest and eventually I’ll end up just as the guy who helped her on the first day. I really don’t want that but I also don’t know how to maintain these first interactions either, I guess I’ll try to talk to her again tomorrow but in what context this time? I’m sure she will sit with another person now as well, and I’ll have to interact with her with more people. It will definitely be on another level, but I guess is necessary if I really want to make an impression. This is my golden opportunity for trial and error and to see how much of a presence I really have compared to the rest. 

BUT WELL, worries and more worries. I can’t hold this on a pedestal because I know that it will destroy me tomorrow if anything happens. I must keep the same mentality as always, concentrate on the present. I now know that actually initiating conversation makes people more open to approach you so I’m happy for that. I’ll show myself for who I am!!! 

Honestly, as I’m writing this, my mind is destroying me. Thinking she only messaged me because it’s the only option she has to get homework, that the moment she went to the bathroom she DID feel creeped out and such. It really shows how much I don’t trust people and the level of anxiety I have. Hell, it could be true but I can’t act upon that.  

WELL, ENOUGH NEGATIVITY, today was a day of win, and I should take it as such no matter what happens in the following days. It was a good day, good job me :).

[theportraitofagrowingsoul]

Random Thought #005

About the Group Project and Separating from my Cousin

Well, I wasn’t planning on writing anything now but I think I need to order my ideas for this. My cousin recently offered a project in college, which will require a LOT of hard work crammed in a single month. This scared me but at the same time I wanted to do it, I was just afraid, as always, about the social reception it would get that we want to work harder on top of the exams and normal classes. 

However, after getting the correct mindset that I shouldn’t care about that, and I should do what I want, and so be it that some people dislike that, now a new problem arises. Now the project will probably be obligatory for the whole class (which kind of undermines my mental growth :( ), and since that will happen, we will have 5 groups of 4 people or viceversa. I was fine with this because in my head my group was obvious and I felt comfortable with it, me, my cousin, a very nice dude we met there and the fourth place was reserved for another nice dude we met OR the wild girl I talked about in the previous post. 

The main problem here is that we were worried how the other groups would form, we are only 20 in our class and there is already some groupism in the class. So it was obvious that the group system would further enforce that groupism, and one of our goals when we entered college was to make the whole class more united, and keep groupism to a minimum (hypocritical from my part since I already had in mind my group and so did my cousin). What’s worse, there are always 3 or 4 people who are super lazy and don’t want to do anything, and it would be unfair that certain groups sucked all of the hard working people. 

SO, what was the solution to this? Two classmates that are excited about the project when they were told, suggested that to avoid groupism, we should do a raffle. That way, people get out of their comfort zone and get to further know the other people in the class. Great idea, right? Hell no. 

In my previous post I wrote how I am a coward and I’m trying to get past that. How I feel overshadowed by my cousin, and yet I’m always next to him in college. I thought trying to care less about what other people thought, accepting the project, working hard for it, proving myself useful and try to get outside of my shyness was good enough of a start for personal growth. But this? Getting separated from my cousin and having the possibility of landing with people that I don’t have nothing in common, or people that I just feel intimidated of, just scares the hell out of me. There is always the possibility of landing with the girl I like, or the guys I like, but that way of thinking is just to comfort my mind, I need to confront the whole thing. 

I don’t know, this sounds like a golden opportunity for growth, to not depend on someone I know and such. It is what I want, right, but I feel like jumping to that from where I am now is such an abrupt change. I just don’t feel ready AT ALL. This is the sort of thing I’d accept if it was obligatory but I don’t feel capable of deciding it on my own. But I also think that I’m probably fooling myself and I’d never actually be ‘’ready’’ for this jump. I thought maybe writing this would help me make up my mind,  but I don’t think I’m arriving anywhere. 

Looking from a personal growth standpoint, that’s the problem, from an objective standpoint the problem there is always the possibility that my group consists of the lazy people and I wouldn’t be good at all to take leadership or make them work. So I’m also afraid of that. I think I won’t be the one deciding this one way or another, but I also want to take a decision before the official one is taken, I want to be able to decide on my own. At this rate I don’t think I’ll be able to, though. The funny thing is that, I also wouldn’t want to split away from my cousin AND make it so people choose the members because I know I would be the last one to be chosen, because as said in the previous post I really have an ability to be invisible so far. 

I know that if I were to throw a coin on the decision, I’d be relieved to get the result of staying with my ideal group and if I were to get the raffle option I’d ignore the coin toss. So in a way, I have the decision taken already, but I’m struggling in figuring out on whether it is a decision that makes me a coward, if it’s something I’ll regret later as an opportunity for growth, if taking that decision basically means I won’t change or if it is fine to not make that jump so early, I really don’t know. 

Well, things will be decided this afternoon, so good luck to me.

[theportraitofagrowingsoul]

Random Thought #004

About Coming Back and Just Random Thoughts 

Oof, well, what can I say. I’m here writing this after a bit less than two year again. To be honest, I stopped writing in this blog because writing on the phone was a pain in the ass and writing on the computer back then was not private at all. Right now I have a laptop though, so it should be easier. I haven’t read my previous three posts, but I’m sure I changed at least a little from what I was only one year and a half ago.

I started a physical blog with my journal, and it was a mix of describing what was happening during the day and what my inner thoughts were. It only lasted for two weeks though, the curse of inconsistency, I’m trying to find a proper way to fix it that isn’t getting rid of everything entertainment wise, but of course some changes must be made.  

Man, so many things have changed. I see my post of School Depression and I must say it was my irresponsibility. I got almost perfect grades just because I put effort in the last semester, and that’s really what everything goes down to, effort. I ended up following Graphic Design, part of me says it was the correct decision, and in a way, it is. I don’t think I’d have had that glimmer of hope that I’ll be happy by following other careers (except for my worry about income), but I’m still super insecure. I’m liking it overall, not going to lie there. The main philosophy should be that I work on making it the best decision and not just wait for nice things to happen, but again, effort. 

So far, though, college has been a roller-coaster of emotions for me. First of all, I’m going with my cousin, who really overshadows me, he is pulling my lazy ass into action. I feel like that blonde girl from Haikyuu, the arc in which she feels like citizen B or something, and gets into something that she isn’t so fond about while others all putting all of their passion and hard work (which in this case it would just be my cousin). For one part, it’s amazing that I’m having someone pull me slowly but surely in a good path, on the other part, I hate the feeling of being so... inferior, living under him. And I have discovered that I’m indeed just a coward, like in the most general of meanings, and not just degrading myself. I AM A COWARD, and I’m working on not being one anymore, on not just having people drag me into making my life right, but actually making decisions of my own and being sure of them. 

One of the things that has been eating my mind about college is the social aspect of it. I thought my social life was alright, based on school, that I was alright. I was fool in thinking that because for starters my school status was based solely on repetition (being 7 years with the same people), and luck (finding a group with similar tastes and humor). And worst of all, I thought it was fine that I remained in such a neutral position, not aggravating anyone but not exactly being bff with someone either (and I sort of screwed my relationship with my actual bff). I make so much effort in not standing out in the crowd, because I fear negative attention, while also desiring with all of my heart that attention.

I have yet to decided whether that’s good or not. Most people say that striving to be noticed, to be recognized, makes you unhappy. I agree to a certain extent, but I think is my desire to connect with people, having the feeling of being needed, being unique and being different. I thought I was for so long, I believe I am to a certain extent but after coming out of school I realize that: I’m dumber than I thought, I’m more boring than I thought and I’m more arrogant that I thought. All of this based on people’s reaction, so, if people make me realize this, wouldn’t my desire of being noticed be justified? Since the outsiders will be the ones to objectively tell me in a way how much I’m worth. 

It’s incredibly frustrating specially because I now have to compare myself to my cousin, who people talk to and ignore me while I’m next to him, making me realize how invincible I am. It makes me realize I feel more lonely than I thought. I worry so much about how I’m perceived than even though everyday I try to be more and more open, I end up becoming nothing. Because, I avoid showing myself completely in fear of being judged, but I also don’t lie about myself, so what more is there to myself other than a quiet secretive guy who has nothing to say? 

On the same subject, there is a girl in my class who I ‘’like’’, I still can’t say that properly but I’m sure attracted to her personality a lot. As everyone knows, the more you try to impress or get close to someone, the more anxious you get and eventually you stray further from that person. I don’t think I have directed a single word towards her after the first day and it’s already week 3 of college. And when I do, I get ignored because I already got to the point where I’m sort of a stranger so there isn’t that comfort compared to other people in the class. She has a very, very wild and eccentric personality, which can get to the point of being mean at times, with how sensible I am that means I’ll probably get hurt one way or another by her words, but surprisingly I’m still super attracted to her. 

The funny part is that she feels comfortable with my cousin, and always talks to him while ignoring me. Yesterday that made me take the decision of going away, in a subtle way, whenever she gets close to my cousin. This action is both on self pettiness and empathy, but more on the former. I understand how annoying it is wanting to talk to someone but that someone is always next to another person who you aren’t friends with. I really don’t know what to do, it feels like such a big failure not being able to talk to her, direct a word. Which comes again on the cowardliness subject. It’s extremely infuriating, I really want to be her friend, but I fear rejection so much that I end up getting away from her.

I don’t think I have made a new friend since I got out of high school, and that saddens me. Acquaintances for sure, but not friends. I’m learning, or at least I want to, to care less about this things and let things come naturally. Work on myself and my future, embrace what I like and such, and not care to an unhealthy level what people think about me. Of course that’s not something you change overnight after living 18 years that way, but here I am hoping to change it. 

I’m trying to get into Buddhism, I’m starting with The Wisdom of Insecurity. I heard that the way of life they have, their teachings, have helped a bunch of people to live better, so I want to see how true it is. I don’t expect to find the answer to all problems there, but something that leads me to the right direction. It won’t solve the frustration I have with the girl I like for example, but at least the power to deal with it. 

[theportraitofagrowingsoul]

Random Thought #0003

About Intellectual Superiority and Arrogance

I was a stupid kid, is very easy to make a comparison of how I was back then, you just have to imagine (or look for it) your typical 12 years old kid who curses on the internet infinitely, the ones that starts to cry and scream when they get triggered at videogames in those funny videos that are all over YouTube and the ones that would tell a girl ‘’show me your titties’’ and giggle about it. The only thing that took me out of this path of stupidity was that my brother was very strict with me. I don’t know when, but I started feeling admiration towards my brother. It turns out, he was a hell of a lot less serious with his friends, and I realized that he was only serious with me because he was showing disappointment at how stupid I turned out to be. Then, I learnt that he even liked the same things I did, in regards of videogames at the time, (I expanded into other mediums later) he was like me without the stupid part. I’m pretty sure that was the first time I became self-aware that I was a stupid kid, so after that, everything I did in front of him was to seek his approbation. Look at me, I’m not a stupid child.

 I still did some stupid things but never in front of him, I wanted to make him proud. With time, this expanded into other things, it wasn’t just in front of him anymore, I really wanted to be like him but without losing my own identity. This caused me to absorb a lot of things he did, I started reading books thanks to him, I started watching the same content as him, forcing myself to learn English, I started playing the same videogames he did and so on. I ended up becoming more invested than him in all the things I got from him, since now he has less time for himself, working and all. I absorbed his morals too, and how he treated people, how he knew when to be serious and when to take things lightly, his kindness toward strangers and people in general, his way of being very open-minded on everything but without losing irritation with things he found stupid, never imposing an opinion on anyone but still having a strong one of his own. I was the one recommending him stuff now, becoming closer to him, as a brother, there wasn’t that wall anymore. I still act a little nervous around him, because it seems like I’m still looking for his approbation, and I finally have it, if only he knew that most of who I am is thanks to him. Funnily enough, I never absorbed his sense of responsibility and discipline when it comes to work. 

I feel like all this background, as long as it is, is necessary to properly explain what I want to say today. I have a high regard for myself and, at the same time, I don’t. How could I not be more intelligent, or mature, than most people my age, considering that most of my growth consisted of imitating someone more than 10 years old than me? But I still see a ‘’problem’’ with this. I’ll explain this now. First of all, I want to make a division between these words: intelligence and wisdom. 

Intelligence, for me, is the capacity to learn faster, understand things more easily, to have a bigger space in the hard drive and to solve problems with ease. The so called IQ.

Wisdom, on the other hand, is knowledge, experience, maturity and insight. These definitions may be a little deviated from their true definitions but I'll use them like this for the sake of the argument.

I think my intelligence is average, it doesn't really stand out from other people my age, but I believe that I'm much wiser than most people my age and a handful of years further. This may sound absurd coming from a 16 years old kid and I won't really say it doesn't, an adult would probably read this and think to himself "You don't know anything about life, kiddo". I hate to make claims about myself because I think that the final word belongs to people that know you, as they would have a more objective perception of you. That doesn't mean, however, that I don't have opinions about myself, and since this is a personal blog with my thoughts only, then I'll have to recur to this even if it makes me uncomfortable.

The thing that ‘’scares’’ me a bit is the fact that the only reasons I’m wiser than most people my age is for what I said about my brother, also because of my first friends, who are from my family, that are all years older than me; and that, since I’m an introvert, I expend most of my free time indoors, and that means that I expend my time watching, reading, playing all sort of things, they being practical or just for mere entertainment; not to mention that being a lot of time in the internet can either transform you into someone idiotic or you can learn anything from it. So, my point on the latter is that spending a lot of time indoors gave me more insight on the world and stuff in general, unlike most people my age that spend most of the time doing what teenagers do, having fun by going outside with friends, sports, etc. 

In my personal point of view, it would be foolish to say that you can’t learn from other’s people experiences. Of course, it isn’t the same as experiencing them by yourself, but at least you can take half of the lesson and try to repeat the good things and avoid the same mistakes. This is on regards to growing up with older people, that being 4 or even 13 years away from me. I’ve also learnt a lot from the way they see the world, and at the same time I compared them to the way I see the world. 

My point here, however, was that even though I consider myself wiser, I don’t think I’m very intelligent. I’d say that I’m an average person, and that’s the reason I have and I don’t have myself on a high regard at the same time. I’m pretty sure that when I’m actually older I will stop being ahead of people, and lose that ‘’advantage’’ I have of thinking like someone on their twenties when I’m on the teenage era. 

Note: I actually made a pause on this post two months ago, alongside the whole blog, so I can’t totally remember why I wrote ‘’Arrogance’’ on the title, I could be referring to many things but I’ll go with what I think my past self was thinking.

Everything I wrote doesn’t mean that I don’t embrace my adolescence, I don’t believe myself to be an adult, doesn’t mean that I’m arrogant. In fact, that’s one of the things that I hate about claiming things about myself, I felt arrogant during this post because that’s what I feel it sounds like and I hate when people do that. I hate when people, specially around my age, believe themselves to be adults or want to be adults, claiming to be smarter than everyone else, those sort of things.  

I’m not going to deny that I do look down on others from time to time, I think that certain people are stupid, but I feel like everyone does that no matter who they are, keeping those thoughts to themselves or not. I still think that even if you have these kind of thoughts, you should keep them to yourself. 

I believe this is everything I wanted to talk about back when I began writing this on October. With this post I realized how messy my writing is, so I guess I should try to get better at it. I had a lot of very livid dreams during the time I was absent as well, which I think is some type of curse since I didn’t have any during the time I was active writing on the blog. 

Until next time. 

[theportraitofagrowingsoul]

Random Anything #0002

Dreams and Anecdotes

I’ve been having some weird dreams lately, they are the type of dreams I wanted to write down to analyze what the hell is going on in my head. I said they were weird but I actually can’t remember them anymore. The problem is that I’m too tired to write the general idea of the dream once I wake up, specially since sometimes I abruptly wake up in the middle of the night and if I grab my phone to write what I dreamt about with at least some details, I’d be losing some precious time of sleep, even 20 minutes wasted is a lot with the little sleep I get and with the amount of time I spend at school. I’ll have to make an habit out of it, even if it will force me a little the first days.

I’ve been also thinking about the anecdotes, since I wrote that I was dedicating a section to anecdotes too. I personally find my life interesting, which is weird because looking at it objectively is way less interesting than the average life of someone. I think is just a matter of how I perceived these events, so I’ll be focusing a lot on what was going through my mind during them.

There is one small problem with the anecdotes though. If anyone I know ever finds this blog then I’m pretty sure they would instantly recognize these events, they have knowledge of them. I guess I will take the risk, without giving real names and modifying small details. They are pretty long too, if you really want the full grasp of the events, they have to be.

I’ll try to post them in the near future.

[theportraitofagrowingsoul]

Random Thought #0002

About Scholar Depression and My Future.

School is hard. Adults would laugh at me if they hear me say those words.

I’ve always been a little irresponsible when it comes to school. I also commit the sinful cliché of starting the year well and then gradually decline. However, these past months have been vastly different from the other years and it has come to a point where I’m worried this will have consequences in the future.

Every day from Monday to Friday I wake up at 5:30 AM and I come back home walking 3 kilometers from school, arriving at 5 PM. I’m always tired when I arrive. I want to sleep but that would mean waking up around 10 PM and literally wasting my day and screwing up my sleep cycle. I want to do something entertaining but that would mean I’d waste time to do the enormous amount of homework I’m given. I want to finish homework but I just came from school and I’m too tired to focus. So what do I do in all this indecision? Absolutely nothing.

It seems like the way my brain decided to defend itself from this is by completely dismissing school. That way I could enjoy my free time without thinking that I should study or do homework. That’s what I called Scholar Depression. I don’t want to know anything about school anymore, I want to finish it and go to college. I haven’t touched my backpack after arriving from school for months now, I study for exams the day I’m having the exam and I do the same with work. I also sleep in classes I just don’t care about anymore. This brings a surprising amount of stress anyways because whenever I remember that my family is waiting good grades from me, that I have way too much homework that I didn’t do, that the exam from the next day is too long to study it on that day, I start feeling like a complete garbage and dissapointment.

It seems like my classmates are smarter than me because they are as tired as I am but they manage to copy other’s people homeworks and are skillful at copying at exams so they don’t have to worry a lot. These shouldn’t be things to be proud of but when your school loads you with too much work and some classes that are straight up unnecessary or mediocre (like my physics class), you can’t help but to think that is necessary to “survive” and I’m lacking the skills to do so.

All of these shitty feelings are accompanied with the fact that school is probably the easiest part of life. So that got me thinking if this feeling of not wanting to do anything, of completely ignoring my responsibilities, will carry on to college and, even worse, to my professional life.

I do enjoy a lot, however, that free time I was talking about. I waste it on watching series, movies, anime, reading books and playing video games. You could say that all of this is the whole package to being a NEET, and as much as I hate to say it, I can’t really deny that statement. I just hope that isn’t the future awaiting for me. The point I want to make here, though, is that I really appreciate these mediums in their maximum depth, as a form of art, not just as a way to keep me entertained. So that got me thinking whether my vocation is in the world of entertainment and art. That being things like writing, filming, composing music, drawing, between other things. I certainly find it more appealing than the whole math area.

The problem with this is that one of my major goals in life, if not the only one, is to be a family man. It is a simple dream, although, surprisingly enough, not so looked for anymore. At least I haven’t share the same goal with someone in my circle of known people and even less with someone my age. To completely fulfill this dream I need something essential and that is nothing more and nothing less than money. The so called world of entertaining I’m talking about is very unstable to have a good income, and to have a good one you would have to stand out and I’m personally not very confident on my skills to accomplish that.

I also thought of social careers, like a psychologist or a lawyer, but the same problem would arise.

So I just think that the best way to approach things is to study a career that gives me a secure income. I would be working for money, but not for money itself. In the end, I’m still very insecure about these things and I don’t even know if I’ll even get so far if my Scholar Depression drags on for too long.

That’s all I can say about this at the moment. I’ll probably expand it more at the given time. I hope next time I come with a solution.

[theportraitofagrowingsoul]

Random Anything #0001

Blade Runner 2049

I've watched the original Blade Runner for the first time yesterday in preparation for the new sequel. I have to say that is hard for me to rate old movies. I didn't grow with them so I'm not used to what was considered "good acting" back in the time, because is certainly different from what is considered good acting now. Same goes with the way of directing movies back then and what was appealing to the public, so I end up appreciating the fact that I'm watching a classic film but that doesn't mean that I like it or that I dislike it. It's just...there.

Saying that, I would say the original Blade Runner was nothing special for me, but I did have high hopes for the new movie. I'm glad to say that those hopes didn't go to waste. The movie was amazing and I was certainly entertained for the whole almost 3 hours of film that I witnessed.

I think it isn't for everybody, not in a "you need to be smart to understand" way, but that, as much as the first movie, is very slow paced, just a few action sequences and it focuses a lot sometimes in giving beautiful shots (which I loved). My father and my sister didn't like the movie for those same reasons, didn't mention anything else. It was too boring. That's what they thought.

Another good thing about the movie is that it's self-contained. It doesn't feel like is milking money out of the first movie, it feels natural as a sequel. Not to mention the more than fitting soundtrack composed by the talented artist Hans Zimmer.

In summary, I'd recommend wholeheartedly Blade Runner 2049. I know my recommendation may not be trustworthy after saying that I didn't find the original so appealing, but judge by yourselves.

Arbitrarily: Blade Runner 2049 is a 4.5/5 in my opinion.

[theportraitofagrowingsoul]

Random Thought #0001

About this Blog and Multiple Faces

I don’t think there could have been a more obvious thought to start this blog with, and that is the fact that in the moment I started this I knew it would be in the front line of my mind for awhile. Thinking what I should write (even if it should come out naturally, I’ll get used in time), or being anxious about the idea that someone I know finds this even if the probabilities are extremely low and even lower ones of that person knowing is me.  When I think what I should write I unconsciously censor what I’m thinking about. The fact that this blog is public and that maybe, someday, someone will read it, is influencing what should be an extremely personal blog. I start hiding details or I start making it more ‘’normal’’, more accesible, as if I was about to tell something embarrassing to someone I know. This shouldn’t happen and I’ll try to avoid it as much as possible. I want to explore myself, and when it comes to the public eye, I want people to explore what’s beautiful and what’s sickening, disturbing, about a human mind when is exposed completely.  Touching the subject of the second point, about being anxious, it made me think: what would my friends, my loved ones, think of me if they ever found out that this blog is mine? Of course, this question came with the hypothetical situation in which the blog is already full of content and I’m being followed by some people. They would probably feel disgust, feel betrayed, and that’s what I’m scared about. I have too many things that are rather abnormal, or at least not well seen by the majority people. Other things that could be considered important information for them, but that I decided to hide. Maybe I’ll even express hate towards them, things that will never come out of my mouth, and they will read sides of me that don’t sound like the ‘’me’’ they know at all. Could this mean that I’m wearing a facade? I think not, and I’ll expand on this now. 

Before proceeding, I want to clear what I understand by information in this specific post: opinions, stuff you do, things you like, etc. Information can indirectly show different sides of a person or they can show nothing at all. For example: donating to charity could show you care for the ones who need help; and having a negative opinion towards cats could say little about you.

Now, I’m someone that adapts easily to different groups of friends. This doesn’t mean that I’m outgoing, this means that I can easily change my way of speaking, my humor,  and hide selected information of myself depending on the group. You could say that this is rather normal, that you see this everyday when someone changes their attitude from being with their friends, to being with their boss. I think is different, because in the former you are perfoming the role of a friend, and in the latter you are perfoming the role of an employee; in my case, I’m perfoming the role of a friend in all the different groups and yet I’m being someone so different with each one of these groups, not in my core personality (like my principles, things I fear, etc.) but on the rest,. I absorb people’s way of acting fast, and I mirror them without even noticing it. This also means that I’ll try to avoid ways of acting, or information, that I know that I will be judged for or that will annoy them. I act as a shitlord with some, as an insecure guy with others, as the mature dude with some, etc. This isn’t me hiding my true self to people, each one of these ‘‘me’‘ are equally being the complete ‘‘me’‘, that’s why I can change between them so easily. I feel comfortable with each one of them depending on the group, I feel like I’m being myself with each one, they are just different sides of me, but I have so many that a friend from school would find unrecognizable the way I act with them compared to the way I act with my cousins. 

It is arguable that hiding information, on the other hand, is indeed hiding my true self, but don’t we all hide certain things from people? Does this change who you are? I’ll throw an small example: you have someone who you have been best friends with for a good time. One day, this friend decides to tell you that he is homosexual, has this changed the person you’ve known for so long? I don’t think it does, it doesn’t change his personality and it doesn’t change the things you know and like about him, you just have learnt something more about him. You may dislike the new information (homphobia), but in the end, that’s a problem of yours and not him who is in fault. In some cases, as the one example I wrote in the fourth paragraph, information can show a new side of a person but this doesn’t change the other sides you’ve seen, unless, of course, this person has given you false information, in which case, I do think is wrong to do so, because, with or without wanting to, he may be showing a side that doesn’t exist and contradicting other aspects of himself. That would be just being an hypocrite. That’s all I have to say now about these subjects. Is funny to think that, if someday I have some readers, this will be the least read post, being the first one and lost in time. I’m aware that archives exist, though, so maybe enough people will be curious about which was my first post. Goodnight. 

[theportraitofagrowingsoul]

Beginning

So, how do I start this? This is my personal diary. The personal diary of an almost 17 years old a 16 years old teen who is still immature and has a lot to learn about life and about himself. This introduction is directed to an imaginary audience; I don’t think that I’ll ever have some kind of loyal followers who read me, and that isn’t the purpose of this anyways.

I’ve been wanting to do this for a while now. First, it started with the desire to have a place to write down the dreams I have, as I always found them rather interesting. It seems like that motivation wasn’t strong enough and I never put myself to do it. After some time, I realized that, for the most part, I talk too much about my thoughts and worries to other people to the point where I was self-aware that it was annoying. Nobody wants someone who talks too much. Why don’t I make a blog to ramble all I want? That was the thought that has been knocking on my mind lately. 

Basically, in this blog/diary I’ll write my thoughts, my dreams, some facts about me, some anecdotes, etc. I’ll not hold back anything, everything you will read is the complete ‘’me’’, for that is the sole purpose of a personal diary. My opinions on things will maybe contradict each other in each post, in fact, they will; they are still too malleable, I have a way of seeing things one day and the next day another, I won’t correct them nor mention them. And of course, some subjects will repeat, that being because I changed of mind or because another subject was related to it.

This is how I’ll probably categorize posts (but they can change): 

Random Thought #0000 

Random Dream #0000

Random Anecdote #0000

Random Anything #0000

They can vary greatly, some will be short (maybe even just one sentence), some will be long, etc. I don’t have any rules with them. I don’t have any schedule with this either. Some can be gross, some can be dark, because we all have some thoughts that don’t show up on the surface or we judge ourselves for even thinking it.  Anything else I could add or say about me would probably make this longer than it should be, as those things would probably go in the type of posts I mentioned above, I plan to do this for as long as tumblr exists or maybe I’ll forget about it and gradually stop, which will be a shame. I guess there is this small detail: my main language isn’t English, so be free to correct any grammar mistakes.  To any possible future readers, enjoy. I’m very open minded, so do feel welcomed to ask me anything or to show any opposition to what I say.