Welcome! my name is Alice Covenlock i also sometimes go by Evelyn, I am a 20 year old writer with ADHD & Autism aspiring to be a book author and a soon to be English major.
I mostly write fanfiction on ao3 but i'm currently working on what i'm hoping to be my debut novel that's currently known as Project. Showgirls
The Struggles of Being a Neurodivergent Writer a perspective from a freshly 20 year old Book Author who has ADHD & Autism
I got the idea to write this while watching a video about book propaganda by thisstoryaintover & Brielle Writes & Becca Tobar on Youtube.
I also just wish to say, this is me sharing my experience of being a writer with these struggles. So it might be a bit messy and have awful punctuation but, I really wanted to share my experience because I feel like at least for me itโs important to share and get out what itโs like from someone who has these issues and is also a beginner writer.
How I started writing and What itโs like with On again and Off again Motivation
It was around maybe near the middle 2024, that I finally gave in and decided to finally try writing fanfiction. Or well at least try sharing my newly revised fanfic writing. It was during this that the best thing happened, on August 17th, 2024 I came up with my first Novel idea. A Gay Horror/Thriller Romance that was inspired by Alice in wonderland, I called it The Adventures of Jasper Wood. Which kicked off everything because on November 21st, 2024 I would then upload on Ao3 my first ever story, after that I just couldnโt stop writing and sharing my blurbs, whether it was on discord or tumblr I tried sharing quotes, short blurbs, a letter for a story or a journal entry. It was amazing in a way, because I finally found something that stuck. Something that I loved immensely and wholly with my entire Soul.
However not everything was sunshine and roses, slowly my motivation would begin to dwindle and I kept overwhelming myself with so many story ideas and novel ideas, so much so that I stopped uploading my stories all together. Sure Iโd show snippets of something or randomly announce on my tumblr, that I had decided to write another larger batch of fanfics for my favorite fandoms.
Suffice to say for a bit i was emotionally and mentally exhausted i kept starting one project after the other, Iโd get upset because people werenโt really engaging with my posts or fanfics and i guess to me that just meant why even bother? and then of course the loop would start again iโd have a discord conversation or find a new show or movie to watch or rewatch and Iโd hyper-focus on it so much i would loose sleep over it. Eventually things did get a tiny bit better, such as finding out i actually have Autism. I guess my point is for this section is that, Iโve always struggled immensely with my love for writing because i would be so motivated and happy and feel i guess i donโt know like i was actually smart for once, and then the motivation would slowly crash or just be gone the next day and Iโd try to force myself to write and it would make me feel so bad about myself and my writing skills that i would abandon everything i made.
Dealing with Motivation and Book Reading
Of course while itโs fun writing stories and sharing it, However when your 19 years old trying to finish high school, and with a fresh diagnosis of Autism and dealing with ADHD and other disabling mental illnesses. Keeping motivation is hard, well more a somewhat big issue in my case. Sometimes i just sit on my bed and stare at the wall or getting distracted with whatever new hyper-fixation and new story idea, and then there are days where i just canโt write because itโs a mixture of anxiety and writing block stress.
And then when the motivation comes back in full force itโs kinda hard to get a grasp on, because i will get a sudden burst and then slowly the happiness of working and adding onto my writing starts to slowly become overwhelming and hard to concentrate because i want to try this new ideas or revamp stories and characters.
My point is that for me and maybe others who can relate sometimes those bursts are exhausting and stressful. I love writingโI love storytelling i always have. But it can be overstimulating and hard, and sometimes they make me want to crawl into bed and just ignore the world.
And then of course thereโs the topic of reading books. Many people get their inspiration, their ideas, and their vibes i guess in a way from books, however when youโre already a slow reader and deal with Neurodivergence on a daily basis reading at least for me doesnโt help all that much. I am a notoriously slow reader despite my large collection of books. A famous example would be the fact I have yet to finish reading the beloved Novella, Carmilla by Joseph Sheridan Le Fanu. And despite the short chapters I have yet to finish reading it. And sure it could be because I may be used to reading Fanfiction regardless of length but in my case I think itโs because Iโve been trying to play โcatch upโ to everyone else. I have a great deal of insecurities i wonโt get into but there is none more prominent then the one of having fallen behind everyone. I believe i talked about this in another post but when i was 18-19 I dropped out of Highschool twice due to my severe anxiety and social anxiety that had grown worse after the Covid Pandemic lockdown. I always felt nauseous on the way to school and no matter how little i ate that morning or how full a meal it didnโt change. And it was only due to online school that i finally graduated and even then i couldnโt attend my own graduation physically. So because of this i fell โbehindโ everyone in everything. I missed out on parties, graduation, hanging out with my friends, exploring my interests and etc.
My point is that I see all these people whether itโs my friends, family, or even people online keep all this motivation whether itโs to finish a book or even finish a short or long writing piece and i just feel frustrated because when i get in my head about it. the way i see it is that thereโs something wrong with me, that iโm โdefectiveโ because I canโt do what everyone else seems to have no issue with doing. And because of this over the course of my life this has led to me neglecting the things i love because i felt that i was always behind everyone else or that because i was so โwrongโ or โdefectiveโ these options wouldnโt be for me because i was different from everyone else. So when i got into writing i tried to do everything โrightโ i tried to have motivational videos on, i tried listening to music, i tried keeping a schedule, and etc. But it just never made my motivation stay for longer then an hour or 2. If i was lucky i would make it to 3. And i would find that frustration and disappointment begin to bubble up again, and thank god for my mother whoโs honestly the best and is always trying to help me to just think and not waste away, sheโd often remind me to take a break or that it was fine if i took longer to do things.
Her main point was always that there was nothing wrong with me being different. Or that i needed more help then the โnormalโ person. Honestly if it werenโt for her i doubt i would have any motivation at all or any desire or confirmation that being a writer, that being an Author was something i wanted for myself. Because of her and my family I still have that motivation in some way despite itโs rollercoaster. Whether itโs my little brother hearing about my endless fanfic ideas, my dad having to hear alll about what iโm working on and the multitudes of what something is or how it works and etc. and then of course my mother who deals with almost all of my info-dumping from writing to almost everything like video games, characters i hate or like in media, food and etc.
Why I write despite the many issues
You may ask โEvelyn, If you have all these issues. Why bother writing at all?โ Well that is something Iโm still figuring out and probably will be always figuring that out but for now.
The primary reason I write is because I love stories. I have always loved stories, much like any child I adored fairytales, the worlds, and just everything about it. I have fond memories of grabbing a book from my large stack and pretending to read my own story out loud to my younger brother. Story telling has always been part of my life. So when I got back into writing and suddenly everything just clicked in place. It was like i finally knew what i wanted to do with my life. I wanted to be a writer, i wanted to be someone who made worlds and characters that could move people.
I wanted to share my stories instead of letting them die with me.
Writing is something thatโs become precious to me, and has in a way given meaning to my life again. Sure itโs a struggle and some days I want to cry from frustration but i wouldnโt have it any other way, i would rather share these stories with everyone instead of letting them die when i do. I want people to experience my characters and stories and feel joy when reading them.
do you ever just find that ONE amazing art print that you just HAVE to have and then you get sent down a rabbit hole of journaling supplies and art prints on etsy? because i have, i just wanted to save a Carmilla art print, ONE art print and now i'm in a rabbit hole of beautiful creepy stickers and washi tape with tea blends.
because why not, it's 10:30pm and fireworks are still going off so yes. also TW: mentions and discussion about cannibalism and graphic violence.....also toxic gays. maybe still deciding.
p.s. this took me until like the early morning to finish because i debated whether it would be a good idea to share my idea for a series or duology.
update - this took me the entire day to finish.
General Idea for PRJCT. Cannibal Summer Camp
So like, i wanted to talk about a new novel idea i had about well a cannibalistic serial killer guy being so fricken obsessed with this one dude. And as one does they listen to Violent Vira and Alice by Peggy while watching Pyrocynical, Essentially in my scatterbrained thoughts i was thinking of how awesome it would be to write a dark romance duology (maybe but i canโt resist gay and lesbian cannibals so) where itโs about this gay couple thatโs so heartbreakingly i guess maybe hannigram & Needifer level of yearning and toxic with the vibes from twilight and horror video games set in maybe the 90s or early 2000s
This is what i was thinking, recent college student maybe named Blake Craftwood decides to work at a Camp in Massachusetts (for once i have some somewhat experience on a topic because i was a guidance counselor or well i guess a โinternโ or whatever itโs called in my last summer of middle school) essentially i was thinking Blake after maybe (still not sure)taking a year to himself to relax and spend time with his family he decides to apply to be a Guidance Counselor(Clichรฉ i know but hear me out) at a Summer camp called โCamp Starlightโ a seemingly wonderful camp that is supposed to be a wholesome safe haven for all ages including the Counselorโs themselves. What i had in mind was that Blakeโs best friendโs (a lovely and kind man named Chris) girlfriend Aggie suggested to Blake and Chris that they join her on her annual application to the camp and seeing how Blake and Chris donโt have any plans they join her.
Some Characterโs i hade in mind
So basically well at the time of writing this i will be watching sleepaway camp and the first Friday the 13th movie. (Iโve never seen sleepaway camp Iโve heard itโs decent though) ANYWAYS the reason i bring this up is because i want to come up with some fun characters inspired by the โstereotypesโ thatโs usually depicted in summer slashers but i want to give them more personality and backstory(because angst after all isnโt it every writerโs dream to kill a fans favorite character :D ) anyways this is what i have so far and who iโm starting with.
also i wanna clarify iโm not revealing which guy is the love interest i want it to be a surprise in the book on who the actual killer is a stuffโฆwell maybe i donโt know itโs my first time writing something like this in terms of a plot. Also it will be short as i canโt really think of an expanded backstory right now so i will only share stuff like their reason for going to the camp, sexualityโs and gender :) , well Blake wonโt have all that much of a reason he just thought it would be fun and he didnโt have anything to do as for Chris? he just wanted to join his friends and girlfriend,
Blake Craftwood the Main Character (Fan Cast: Anthony Turpel) โ
Full Name: Blake โLuisโ Craftwood
Sexuality: Bisexual leaning towards men
Pronouns: Him/They
Gender Identity: Nonbinary Male
Blake is a kind Hispanic & Neurodivergent 23 year old, Blake was raised by his now currently divorced parents Maria Craftwood and Javier Cruz. Blake is also the older twin brother of 22 year old Marigold โHoneyโ(nickname) Cruz (whoโs from my DC universe i couldnโt resist to bring her), Who also attends the camp.
Blake is also noted to be quite protective of his younger twin and his friends Chris & Aggie, Something which i want to explore but iโm not sure if it should be important to the story or not. (weโll see what i decide on next Friday)
Marigold Cruz the Side Character (Fan Cast: Grace Caroline Currey) โ Main Character of Book 2
Full Name: Marigold โAnabelleโ Cruz
Nickname: Honey, Mari, Ana, Belle
Sexuality: Lesbian
Pronouns: She/Her
Gender Identity: Transgender Woman
Honey Cruz is a Strong and Confident Neurodivergent 22 year old Hispanic woman who Fully transitioned when she was 18 after she and her family realized she was Trans at the age of 14. Honey is noted to be kind and much more Extroverted compared to her older twin.
At the time of this book Honey is in her Junior year in college, she originally had plans to join her (now ex) girlfriend on a vacation to NYC however they broke up as they realized they werenโt compatible with each other and disagreed too much on things. Because of this Honey decided to join Blake and their friends to Camp Starlight.
Chris Riordan the Side Character (Fan Cast: Jackson Kelly) โ
Full Name: Christopher โSamuelโ Riordan
Nickname: Chris, Sam
Age: 23
Sexuality: Straight
Pronouns: He/Him
Gender Identity: Cisgender Male
Chris Riordan is the extroverted and goofy childhood best friend of The Craftwood Twins, heโs often noted to be the equivalent of a ray of sunshine or a golden retriever. Chris has known the twins since they moved next door to him when he was 5. And seeing how Chris is a only child he was particularly ecstatic and eventually considered the unofficial triplet of their small trio.
Chris first met his girlfriend Aggie in their sophomore year of high school after she befriended Honey and much like any other couple they started out as close friends before eventually the summer before their sophomore year in college they began dating and have been going quite strongly for awhile.
Welcome to the End! short i know but uh life is life is something so yes.
Have a wonderful day/afternoon/night and drink some water and eat some food!
I'm very excited to share that i'm working on a new novel project! it may come out before Project Hazelburn Woods, i call it.....
Midnight's Bloody Kiss
Project Midnight's Kiss is a dark romance(and i really do mean dark dark romance) set in the fictional world of Redmore Bay a gothic seaside college town in Connecticut. Where the paranormal haunt the waters.
It's still a work in progress and i'm still writing stuff like the world building and lore but i'm just realllly excited to share it with you guys :D
The MC - Alissa Hartwell casted as Freya Mavor and The Love Interest - Elliot Ward casted as Xolo Maridueรฑa
So i've been in a brain funk for awhile now, Mostly because drum roll please... I graduated High school and I'm also now officially speaking as of June 8th 20 years old quite scary in my opinion lol. Anyways huge deal for me and my family since i've been trying to make through senior for basically 3 years? little context i have diagnosed severe anxiety & social anxiety so i dropped out my senior year twice.
Anyways to what i realllly wanted to talk about. Drum roll please....I'm starting and Etsy Shop! (which i will talk more about in the last part of this post) I've also started a twitter and tiktok account! i'm working on trying to be more open on my writing process now that i have free time i want to explore more hobbies and share my favorite books or games. So i thought why not try to interact there especially since i really want to share my journey on writing my novels and more importantly rekindling my love and focus for physical books starting with Carmilla & Dracula paperbacks :D. (Plus i also wish to start a youtube channel at some point)
Twitter - TikTok
The Etsy Shop
As mentioned i wish to start an Etsy shop, partly because i've always wanted to and partly because i unfortunately struggle due to mental health reasons that make it difficult for me to have a job let alone drive a car. And while i hope it changes in the future before i go to college, i decided that for now for the sake of my health i'd start a shop.
For now i'm starting with maybe selling digital PDFs of bonus content and short stories from my writing, eventually i'm hoping to sell bookmarks, hand bound books & Journals, candles, and finally what i'm most excited about is selling my own book boxes with a variety of goodies, specifically special bound editions both paperback and hardback for peoples preferences :D. I'm not entirely sure when the shop will go up but i'm hoping it will be up soon.
That's all for now, have some water and some food and have a wonderful day!!
got around to watching sinners and oh my god they make me sick, i almost cried like 5 times during the movie. I adore all of them and just wanna put them in my pocket and keep him and safe and AHHHHH
Had a thought what if I just wrote a novel with the help of my favorite video essay? (Coming of rage by girl on film on YT)
Hear me out a dark romance where the mean cheerleader or the supposed "kind" cheerleader has an obsession with the new girl or maybe the outcast or "nerd" in the school. I just can't get it out of my head. My favorite movies like gingersnaps,mean girls, heathers, Jennifer's body just makes me have this urge to write a book exploring a "coming of rage" dark romance where it explores themes(or my attempts) of how toxic school life can be, the crushing weight Of what's expected from you or who you're supposed to be at 19, the pressure of being a girl who's odd or popular.
I know I'm technically supposed to be writing my other novels but this dual book idea of exploring how society & school life sucks with the addition of being put under all this pressure of what you're going to do with your life after high school and the expectations of being perfect or being a total faliure in the eyes of society and Parents who expect so many things of you when your only 19 on the cusp of 20.
(also yes technically this may or may not be from my stress of not only my HS graduation and the fact I turn 20 years old tomorrow but still I has point)
So this is very spontaneous and i just really really reallllly wanted to write this out. So i'm on substack scrolling and i come across this publishment? post? about pomegranates and modern poets and it was eye opening really. Now pair that with watching loaddds of Dakota Warren Video's even having one play in the background you get ideas.
While reading the post i couldn't help put think of two of my favorite characters and specifically their relationships, the main thing was the different meanings of pomegranates and me discovering the existence and meaning of Laurel Wreaths. And it was like for once my brain brained if that makes sense?
Moving onto my husband , ahem Aegon reminded me strongly of another meaning or symbolization of Pomegranates and i just i don't know what it was but it clicked.
Plutarchโs Moraliaย โ Links pomegranates to beauty, sensuality, and indulgence in Greek and Roman cultureโso, more hedonistic pleasure, less tragic metaphor. -- Directly from the post
Just the comparison of this meaning Aegon just reminded me of how he is despite his tragedy and the comparisons of him to the god Dionysus. And it just makes me think of something of Aegon being in this meaning in a romance that just in a way i guess makes me think of him being with someone who just understands him completely and doesn't just see the monster but the boy who's been put in a role he never asked for and turned to horrible coping mechanisms and causing pain. They just see him. They see Aegon and his Beauty and just his whole being.
Now one thing to know about me is that i LOVE Tolkien's works and watching the show recently (which i still have to finish due to being hyperfixated on something that i never got to finish) and I absolutely adore Haladriel so when i came across the text about the Laurel Wreaths it just clicked.
ย Laurel Wreathsย โ Victory and poetic ambition, but also a crown ofย temporaryย gloryโsince laurel leaves wither fast. -- directly from the post
Laurel Wreaths just so heartbreakingly remind me of these two, and the hardships and tragedy's they've experienced and their similar situations and I just kept thinking about how they both in a way wear Laurel Wreaths they both had ambition and experienced glory but like the laurel leaves it withered and they suffered from the devastation from it. Whether it was Sauron becoming who he was or Galadriel having her company mutiny against her, or about how Galadriel rejected Sauron twice. They both wore temporary victories on their heads and still the wreath withered away and they were left heartbroken or deformed in one way or another.
๐ซ๐๐๐๐๐ ๐พ๐๐๐๐๐
and finally Dakota. There's nothing i can really say lol just that she is just a gloomy ray of sunshine and i adore her and her content which has inspired me so much and in recent stress she has gotten me through some tough times when my brain has turned against me. And she's also rekindled my curiosity in poetry so there's that :D
Um so anyways, thank you for reading this silly thing i hope you enjoyed this peak into my brain. Have a nice day/night/afternoon and drink some water and eat something <3
mm very excited and i really wanted to share what i made so far but these lovely and amazing people are my characters from my first ever novel! i just adore them :D
and now for some information, these 3 are a trio of best friends who live in the town of Hazelburn, Oregon and obviously as you can see they are essentially Red Riding Hood, Cinderella, and Snow White since this is a Dark Romance retelling of these beloved fairytales :D
