Your Bro Encolpius

The telling of a dramatic party (school project btw)

[therealencolpuis]

Finis

Such a strange night. Two baths, a werewolf, so much pig problems, and a really over the top tomb. I am interested to see how the rest of this adventure commences. Until next time!

Vale!

[therealencolpuis]

We Are Living in a Material World, And I am a Material Girl

Trimalchio turned to us after this.

“Ah my friends! A slave is a man and drank lactem (milk) like us!

“He did so even if cruel fate oppresserit (suppressed) him! However, if I live they will quickly taste the waters of liberam (freedom). In fact, all that are mine will be set free! I am entrusting a farm and a companion to Phlargyrus as well, and to Cario an insulam (apartment) with 20% tax and a lectum (bed) and coverings. I am making Fortunata my heir and entrust her to all my friends. It is for this reason that I am making this known to you all now, for I want my slaves to love me now just as in death”.

The slaves began to thank Trimalchio for his kindness. He then turned serious and ordered for his will to be brought in and read it beginning to end while the slaves ingemescente (groaned). He then turned to Habinnas.

“How say you, my dear friend? Will you build my monument as I requested?” He then went on to list all the things he wanted on his tomb. It wasn’t going to be like normal tombs. Oh no. 

He went over the top!

A statue of himself

A catellam (puppy) at his feet

Wreaths

Bottles of unguenta (perfume)

All the fights of Petraites

Footage of 100 ft and depth of 200 ft

All kinds of fruits growing around my ashes

Lots of vines

The inscription: THIS MONUMENT IS NOT TO DESCEND TO MY HEIR

One of my freedman to be the caretaker to prevent defilement

Ships in full sail

Him sitting in official robes on an official chair

A coronas (crown)

Five gold anulis (rings)

Public coin distributed from a bag

A dinning room table

A statue of Fortunata on his right side

Said statue holding a dove

Said statue leading a dog with a waistband on

His little puer (boy)

Big jars of Gypsum 

A broken urn with an engraving of a boy crying over it

A sundial in the middle of the room

The inscription: 

C. POMPEIUS TRIMALCHIO FREEDMAN OF MAECENAS DEGREE OF PRIEST CONFERRED ON HIM IN HIS ABSENCE MIGHT HAVE BEEN ATTENDANT ON ANY MAGISTRATE IN ROME BUT REFUSED IT GOD FEARING, GALLENT, CONSTANT, HE STARTED WITH LITTLE AND LEFT 30 MILLION HE NEVER LISTENED TO A PHILOSOPHER FARE WELL  AND YOU

After he told us this, Trimalchio began to weep.

Fortunata flebat (wept), Habinnas wept, all the slaves began as if they were at his funeral, lamenting throughout the room.

I was about to say something myself when Trimalchio spoke up.

“Therefore, if we know we must die, why not live while we can?! While I hope for your happiness, let us go to the baths! I swear you wont regret it! It will be as hot as a furnace.” 

“True, true. making two days out of one is my favorite thing to do!” Habinnas said.

We all got up, barefoot, and followed Trimalchio and his clapping hands.

[therealencolpuis]

Werewolves and Tombstones and Stone Clothing, Oh My!

After we were all of good mind an health, Trimalchio turned to Niceros.

“You used to be savius (more charming) at my parties. Please tell us of your adventure.” Trimalchio pleaded.

“Do not rideant (laugh) at my tale. You know what, do. It satius est rideri (is better to be laughed at) than be derideri (ridiculed). When I was a slave, the wife of the innkeeper Terentius, Melissa, was the love of my life. But mark my words, it was not of passion! It was purely benemoria (intellectual).”

Yeah right...

“She never refused to do what I asked of her. And then, one day, her husband died! Also, by chance, my master Capua was going out of town! So I began to think of ways I could visit her. A soldier happened to be a guest in the house. I asked him if he wished to accompany me to Melissa. He was as strong as Hades! He agreed and we headed out just before dawn. The full moon shined down on us as we walked. 

“We were walking through the grave yard outside of the city when the soldier walked off among the stelas (tombstones). I sat down and hummed while I waited for him. When I looked back at him, I found that he had stripped and put his clothes by the roadside. My anima in naso esse (soul was in my nose)! He circumminxit (urinated around) his clothes in a circle.

“Suddenly, my companion became a lupus (werewolf).

“He ran off howling into the silvas (woods). I went up to grab his clothes for him only to find that they had been turned to stone! Who could have been more scared than I? I drew my sword and fought shadows all the way to Melissa’s place. 

“I entered like a corpse, and my soul almost gave up. Melissa was surprised to see me.

‘If you had come earlier, then maybe you could have helped us. A wolf came in a slaughtered our sheep! He didn’t make fools of us though, even if he got away! Our slave pierced his neck with a lance!’ She had said.

“When I heard this, I could no longer keep my eyes shut. When day broke, I ran back to my masters home. On the journey back, I stopped where the events of the morning hours occurred only to find the clothes had disappeared! All that was left was a great pool of blood. When I reached home, I found the soldier laid out like an ox on the bed. A doctor was looking after his neck. After that, I could no longer sit down for a meal with him. Let others believe what they must. If I am lying, may all your angry guardian angels punish me!”

[therealencolpuis]

Corinthian Bronze? LOL

Because of Trimalchio’s mercy, the slaves burst into plausum (applause).

They were shouting out “Gaio feliciter (May it be lucky for Gaius)!” The cook was awarded a drink, argentea corona (silver crown), and a cup on a Corinthian dish. When Agamemnon began to examine the cup, Trimalchio caught our attention. 

“I alone possideam Corinthea (posses the true bronze)!”

We looked to him expecting him to say how had these cups afferri Corintho (imported from Corinth). He proved us wrong. 

“I got this cup from an aerarius (bronze-maker) named Corinthus! I’m not nesapium (stupid)! I know of the origins of the fabled bronze! At the fall of Troy, Hannibal collected all the statues of bronze, gold, and silver, put them in a pile, and then set it aflame. From the molten metal, artisans crafted plates, entree dishes, and statuettes. Personally, I prefer glass. If it were not so breakable, I would prefer gold as it is so cheap.”

He then went on to another story of a vitream faber (glass craftsman). 

“This man had created a glass cup that could not break. He went to Caesar with his munere (gift) and gave it to him, only to ask for it back. He promptly pavimentum proiecit (threw it on the ground).

“Caesar was frightened by this, but the craftsman simply picked it up and hammered out any dents. The craftsman thought he held the throne of Jupiter. When Caesar asked him if anyone else knew how to make this, the craftsman said no. Caesar then had him beheaded. For if his invention was known, then the profit of gold would be nothing.”

[therealencolpuis]

The Most Grievous of Mistakes

Not a moment later, the pig was brought back out. We mirari (wondered at) it in astonishment at the celeritatem (speed) it had been prepared!

However, it was maior (bigger) than it was before it went into the kitchen. Trimalchio noticed the problem immediately.

“Was this pig not exinteratus (gutted)? By Hurcules call back in the cook!” The sad cook came in. He claimed he had oblitum (forgotten) to gut it. Trimalchio was not having it. 

“You act as if it were piper (pepper) or cuminum (cumin) that was forgotten. Despolia (Strip)!”

The cook was stripped and then stood between duo tortores (two torturers). We immediately begged Trimalchio to spare him.

We all said “Solet fieri (It happens)! Let him go now and is he does it again, we won’t stop you.”

I however was the credelissimae (cruelest). I told Agamemnon my opinion.

“If I were his master, I would not forgive such a transgression. Forgetting to gut a pig. Honestly! I wouldn’t even forgive him if he did that to a fish!”

Trimalchio had softened, however. He told him to gut it now since he had forgotten. The cook put back on his clothes and went over to the pig with a knife. Upon cutting open the pig, sausages and black pudding tumbled out. Yum!

[therealencolpuis]

Three Little Piggies Came In, One Didn’t Come Out. Maybe.

We didn’t know that the luxuries weren’t over yet. The tables were cleared to the music and 3 albi sues (white pigs) were brought in. They were adorned with tintinnabulis (bells) and capistris (muzzles). The nomenculator (keeper) said that the first was 2 years old, that the second was 3, and that the third was 6.

With all the entertainment so far, we were expecting petauristarios (acrobats) to appear or that the pigs would perform portenta (tricks). The anticipation was shattered though when Trimalchio spoke up. 

“Which of the 3 would you want to be cooked? Any country folk can cook a gallum gallinaceum (rooster), Pentheus hash, or trifles of any kind. My cooks are accustomed to making vitulos (calves) even in a aeno (cauldron).”

A cook was immediately called in as well as the third and oldest pig being chosen without consulting anyone else. When the cook arrived, he was asked what faction he was in and whether or not he was sold to him or was born in his household.

 “Neither. I was left to you in a will” The cook said to Trimalchio. With a threat to be moved to the position of messenger if he cooked the pig wrong, the cook left with the pig chosen. Trimalchio then turned to us and offered us better wine. Hallelujah!

“Everything that makes your mouth water tonight was grown on one of my estates. I don’t know which one. I think it is on the boarder of Terricina and Tarentum. I wish I could join Sicily with my properties so that if I wanted to go to Africa, I could do so without leaving my property.” Trimalchio told us.

He then turned to Agamemnon and asked him about gossip in the are of law that Agamemnon practices. He claimed he could keep up with the conversation because he had three bybliothecas (libraries). One was in Greek and the other was in Latin...what?

[therealencolpuis]

Doctors Can’t Do Their Job and This Guy is a Cheapskate

I was very confused by this display? What was the point of the pig wearing the freedom cap? I turned to my friend for help.

“It was wearing it because they found it, served it, and it was dismissed by the guests. Now it returns today as a freedman,” He told me. I slapped my forehead. OF COURSE! How could I have been so stupid to not realize this.

A boy was walking around serving wine when Trimalchio exclaimed “Dionysus, rise and be free!”

The boy took the freedom cap off of the pig and wore it proudly on his head while Trimalchio called himself the son of the God of Liberation. Soon after, Trimalchio retired so we were free to say whatever we wanted.

This dude Seleucus, who had had quite a bit of wine, stood and explained why he didn’t smell so good. 

“I non cotidie lavor (don’t bathe regularly). In fact, I was going to today but I became part of a funus (funeral).  It was for a nice bro of mine, Chysanthus. Animam ebulliit (His soul gave up). It was as if he modo, modo appellavit (only just now called) me! We are all but inflati ambulamus (inflated bags). We are smaller than flies! We are nothing but bullae (bubbles)! And what if he had not tried fasting? No water or bread was consumed for 5 days. The doctors destroyed him. No. He just has a bad fate. Doctors are nothing more than the consoles of the mind. The mourning was good. He had a large number of slaves that were freed. His wife was not happy, but women are greedy. Being kind will do nothing when it comes to them. But an old loves cancer.”

He was boring.

When he finally shut up, this dude Phileros proclaimed “Let’s remember the living. He got what he was coming to him. He lived and he died honestly. What does he have to complain about? His wealth grew and he was always willing to pick up a quadrantem (1/4 coin) from stercore (dung) mordicus (with his teeth). Therefore what he had grew like honeycomb. Mehercules (By Hurcules) I think he left a solid 100, all the cash he had!”

[therealencolpuis]

Gut Bursting Fun

We were surprised when a group of servants came in and spread out among the couches that filled the room. They all had nets with them. We were very confused. Then a great shout sounded and some Spartan hounds ran in.

A repositorium (large dish) was then brought in. On it was a wild boar that was wearing a pilleatus (cap of freedom) commonly used by freed slaves. From its tusks hung baskets; one carrying thebaicis (fresh dates), the other carrying caryatis (dry dates) for us to enjoy.

Around it was smaller pigs made of coptoplacentis (cake). They were places to look like piglets drinking milk.

It was then that a large barbatus (bearded guy) who had clothe tied around his legs and a cloak decorated with spangles on him came forth and violently struck the side of the pig with his sword. Out flew turdi (thrushes) from the opened porcus (pig). The slaves from around the room, who are now recognized as aucupes (bird catchers), ran around and exceperunt (captured) them. Trimalchio stood once things had calmed.

“See even how that woodland pig ate lotam glandem (fine acorns)” He said. With that, slave boys came around distributing the dates. 

[therealencolpuis]

Really Bad Wine. Seriously.

We finally made it into the dining room! A donkey in Corinthian bronze stood in the room, with panniers holding olives, white and black. Two dishes hid the donkey. There were dormice rolled in honey and poppy­ seed, hot sausages laid on a silver grill, damsons, and seeds of pomegranate. Yum!

Soon, by the signal of the symphonia (symphony) the food was taken away by a choro cantante (singing choir) of slaves to make room for the next part of the meal.

In the commotion, a slave boy dropped a paropsis (dish). Trimalchio boxed him around the ear as punishment. Another slave came to clear the mess while two Ethiopian boys came in with utribus (wine skins) and offered them to us. We were very thankful because we wished to wash our hands. We then thanked Trimalchio for his thoughtfulness. 

“Everyone has their own table tonight so that no one is bothered by the uncomfortable heat of a slave leaning over you,” He stated.

Then amphorae vitreae (glass jars) were brought in carrying Gypsum. The labels read that it was over annorum centum (100 years old) and from the time of Opimius’ consulship. On some wines that is great. This stuff is only good for 10 years. So, naturally, gross

While we were choking the stuff down, a slave came in with a silver larvam (skeleton) and began to move it in many directions for entertainment.

As the skeleton showed aliquot (several) attitudes, Trimalchio said “Alas miserable us, how that whole little man is nothing! Thus all will be, after Orcus (Hades) carries us away. Ergo (therefore), let us live well when it’s allowed.”

[therealencolpuis]

Beware of Dog and Falling Slaves

We walked up to the door of Trimalchios house and hanging in the doorway was a magpie in a golden cage welcoming us with its song.

Upon entering the house, I jumped and was resupinatus (thrown on my back) and almost crura mea fregi (broke my legs). Everyone stupeo (stood agape) at the canus ingens (giant dog)that was pictus in pariete (painted on the wall). As I stood up, they laughed at me. So embarrassing…

We then arrived at the triclinium (dining room). There were rods and axes fixed on the door posts outside of it. One of them was finished off with a kind of ship’s beak. It said “PRESENTED BY CINNAMUS THE STEWARD TO CAIUS POMPEIUS TRIMALCHIO, PRiEST OF THE COLLEGE OF AUGUSTUS.”

We made to enter but were stopped by a slave standing next to the door.

“Dextro pede!” (Right foot!) He shouted. We hesitated for a moment before making sure we didn’t step with our sinister pede (left foot). We were then stopped again! A slave despoliatus (stripped for punishment) had fallen at our feet!

He begged and begged us to get his master to take away his punishment. Looking at each other, we shrugged and went to his master to plead his case. He wasn’t to be swayed at first because the slave had lost his dinner robes that had been died with the finest Tyria (Tyrian purple dye). It also didn’t help that it was given on his natali (birthday)…But we managed to convince him. He then placed the slave under our care for the rest of the night.

[therealencolpuis]

Wiped on a Eunich’s Head

My bro and I Ascyltos were having a bad start to the day. We woke up tired and sore from the events of the previous day and were making plans to avoid any commotion that would occur in the daylight hours.

Then a servus (slave) of Agamemnon told us about this great party this rich guy Trimalchio was hosting tonight. We hurried to get dressed and told our other bro Giton, who was currently pretending to be a slave, to follow us to the baths.

We had begun walking when we came across an old man and a couple of long haired boys playing with a prasina pila (green ball).

If the ball touched the floor, the old man wearing the russea (russet colored) shirt refused to pick it back up so a slave had to supply more for the game to continue. Two spadones (eunuchs) were standing on opposite sides of the game. One was holding an argenteam metallam (silver chamber pot) and the other was counting the balls that fell to the ground. Menelaus ran up to us.

“That guy is the rich dude who’s feeding us tonight. His name is Trimalchio. This is the start of the party,” He said to us.

Then the man, Trimalchio, snapped his fingers. The eunuch carrying the chamber pot came over and threw it under him. A moment later, with the old man’s vesica exonerata (bladder having been eased), he tersit (wiped) his hands on the boy’s hair. Gross, right?!

Once the game was over, we headed on to the baths. We sweat in the laconica and sudatoria (super heated dry and wet sweating-rooms) and cooled off in the frigidarium (cool room, unheated and with a cold-water basin). We all then headed to Trimalchio’s place were a sign on the from door post said

“NO SLAVE TO GO OUT OF DOORS EXCEPT BY THE MASTER’S ORDERS. PENALTY, ONE HUNDRED LASHES.”

Yeesh. Bit harsh for wanting a bit of fresh air…

[therealencolpuis]

Satirical Tales

Salve omnes! My name is Encolpius. My friends and I have experienced a very satirical kind of day. There were many strange happenings including prasina pilae (green balls), a non exinteratus porcus (a not gutted pig), entertainment cantante choro (by a singing choir), and a soldier who subito lupus factus (suddenly became a werewolf). Vale onmes, and see you next entry.