TheReleventist

Truth for Today

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9 Tips For Getting the BIGGEST Refund on Your Tax Return

It’s tax season again and most of you have…

It’s tax season again and most of you have already filed your taxes. Oops! You should have waited until we posted this article before you made such a huge mistake. Sure, you’re getting your refund back quicker, but you will be making cents on the dollar because of your hasty decision. But never fear! Just bookmark this page for next year! Here are 9 Tips For Getting the BIGGEST Refund on Your Tax Return.

1. Write Off Everything!

You spent a lot of money this year. If you’re anything like me you probably spent all of it and then some. But guess what? You can write it all off. All you need are all of those receipts that you accrued over the past year. Write down everything you bought on your returns and send the receipts, too. While you’re at it write off the things you only dreamed of getting. That sports-car you always wanted? Write it off. That dream home in the Cayman Islands? Write it off, too! Believe me, your IRS agent doesn’t have time to look over all of these claims so he’s likely to just skip over it and take your word for it. Be creative and have fun!

2. File a Return in Someone Else’s Name

Look at all of that money you’re getting back on your own return. You want more? Then do it again. All you have to do is find someone who hasn’t filed their taxes yet and beat ‘em to it. And if everyone else has already filed just send your returns in again but under a different name. I’ve done this about four or five times already. The hardest part is coming up with a new name that sounds plausible. So if you opt for the latter of the two choices then don’t use the names I came up with so the IRS doesn’t get suspicious. These names are off limits: Rory Pruneface, Buddy Holly, Standfort P. Quailson, and Jeff Breeches.

3. Fudge a Decimal Point or Two

If you learn anything from tax professionals it’s that the IRS is pretty forgiving. Now, we don’t want to say to take advantage of this point, but the phrase “ask for forgiveness instead of permission” has never rang more true. There are so many dots in documents, who’s to say where everyone of them are supposed to go? Let’s just say your $100.00 return is “accidentally” sent in as $1000.0, that’s 900.0 extra dollars. What are they gonna do? Fine you? No problem you got an extra cool nine hundo. They could put you away for a while, but come on, that’s free room and board. Jackpot! It’s a win-win.

4. Marry Multiple People

Have you ever looked at a couple and realized by the way they act around each other that they only got married for the tax breaks? Well Mr. and Mrs. Bellamere had the right idea. The best way to reap the rewards of this benefit is to take full advantage of this loophole. Utah has no laws concerning polygamy and Nevada is just next door, where it’s practically illegal to NOT get married at a casino. You might be asking yourself “But what do I do with all of these wives I have just acquired? And can I write off the dowry?” My answer is a resounding “I don’t know. You’ll just have to figure that out on your own.” I’m a tax expert, not a marriage counselor.

5. “Donate” Your Years Wages to “Charity”

Get a dog, name it Charity, donate all your money to your dog, but the dog is yours, BAM! That money is yours too. And what kind of sickos would come after you for their money when you have “donated” it to “Charity”. They should be ashamed of themselves for asking money from someone who has gone through all that work to appear as if he was so altruistic as to appear to give all his earnings to the needy. Shame on the IRS indeed.

6. Don’t File Your Returns At All

Sometimes you end up owing “The Man” more money than anticipated. No matter how much you work the numbers Uncle Sam demands blood from this turnip head. So how do you get the biggest refund? Don’t file! It’s just as good as getting a refund. And the thrill of the unexpected visit from the IRS is well worth the money you should have been able to keep in the first place.

7. Claim Taxational Amnesty

You are a sovereign citizen and the Government should know this. Because you believe so deeply in your independence, the Government cannot deny your right to do what you truly believe in. It’s called the “First Amendment”. If you believe in something, you can claim it is an integral part of your own personal kooky religion, and that freedom is one no Governing body has ever been able to fight against in the whole history of everything. As Oprah once said “Believe in it and it will come true.”

8. Report People Who Cheat on Their Taxes for That Sweet Reward Money

Really, snitching should be its own reward. It’s what makes nations great. Well, not great, but oppressive for sure. If history has told us anything, telling on your friends and family for profit is a limited time offer. But it will be good to get in the practice before it becomes a requirement that failure to report will be worse than death, or just death. I for one believe that the IRS would never do anything to harm anyone, unless they deserve it. So cash in now, turn in the traitors, and get on the good side of the Government, the right side.

9. If All Else Fails, File For Extension After Extension Until the IRS Just Gives Up

The IRS is a busy syndicate and they don’t have time for your mind games. And the statue of limitations only lasts so long on filing your taxes. But they can’t prosecute you if they grant you an extension, which they are legally obliged to do if you ask for one. But don’t forget to file for further extensions once your current ones are about to expire. Keep it up, otherwise the IRS will come around the docks where you work and break your thumbs.

Follow these rules and you’ll be sure to get what’s coming to you. What’s your favorite way to embellish your taxes?

Jeremiah Stern

Jeremiah Stern is a Releventist contributor and proud former H&R Block applicant. This is not sound financial or legal advice. All persons considering following steps outlined in this article should first seek financial, legal, and psychiatric council from a professional.

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Could THIS Be The New Face Of Quaker Oats?

You’ll Never Guess Who It Is…

Move over, William Penn, looks like you’re being replaced. Quaker Oats, the beloved brand of oats has been a staple in every American cupboard for nearly a century and a half. In all that time the representation on the packaging has been relatively unchanged. The friendly face in the silly made up hat has always greeted us in the morning taking our minds off the fact that we were about to eat a bowl of weird inexpensive mush only tradition and poverty could incline us toward. But now that times have changed and our tolerance for eating unappetizing things for the sake of health is on the rise, the folks at Quaker Oats have decided to make a move into the 20th century.

“If you think about it we’ve had increasing competition growing in the cereal and breakfast food industry for decades. With the likes of the Trix Rabbit, the Honey Bee, and Sugar Bear, we decided it was time to update our image. I guess we should have chosen an animal as a mascot instead. Shoot…” – Becky Frankiewicz, General Manager of Quaker Oats Company.

No word yet on who (or what) will represent the beloved breakfast slop, but rumors and inside sources have pointed strongly in the general direction of a photo leaked exclusively to The Releventist.

“I think we’ve struck gold with our new ‘mascot’. We’ve sunk a lot of money on this new advertising campaign so don’t expect us to be changing things anytime soon. After all, it took us over 140 years to get to where we are now.”

The official unveiling of the new face of Quaker Oats has not been announced as of yet, but is expected to happen shortly after the inevitable death of Quaker Oats founder Henry Parsons Powell. Although his passing is expected “any time now” for the last 50 years, a strict Quaker lifestyle and a bowl of oats each morning has lead to a painfully long and healthy life for the cent-octogenarian. But once he has finally passed corporate board members will be free to do whatever they feel is necessary to dominate in the highly competitive breakfast foods market.

Greg Long

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K-9 IQ Test – How Smart is Your Pooch? Dumb Dog or the Leader of the Pack

Dogs have long been Man’s Best Friend and scientists favorite subject. Dogs, in general, are very cooperative…

Dogs have long been Man’s Best Friend and scientists favorite subject. Dogs, in general, are very cooperative when it comes to scientific endeavors, a side effect of the philanthropic and altruistic traits mercilessly bred into the species by their human overlords for millennia. Dog research has existed for centuries, ever since Einstein began his work on photoelectric effect by shining a flashlight through a golden retrievers floppy ear.  Yet scientists, who are overwhelmingly inclined to be cat people, have only now turned their attention to the study of the behavior of the creatures they have been forced to work upon due to Einsteinian Precedent. What researchers have discovered during their coerced study is a list of signs the layman might look for in their dog to tell if they are inclined to stupidity.

This short, simple ‘Canines Are Thinking Stupid’ test can be done safely at home by observing current behavior or recalling past behavior and answering some simple questions. Tally your dogs C.A.T.S. points for your test results.

Canines Are Thinking Stupid – dog intelligence test

When arriving home from work, how excited is your dog to see you?

Indifferent (15 points)

Glad (3 points) 

Uncontrollably Happy (0 points)

How many socks has your dog stolen? (-1 point per complete pair)

What is your dogs favorite toy?

A squeaky duck (0 points) 

A tennis ball (2 points) 

A bell and feathers on a string attached to a flimsy stick (10 points)

What is your dog’s favorite flavor treat?

Beef (5 points) 

Chicken (6 points) 

Tuna (17 points)

Does your dog use a litter box?

Yes (20 points)

No (0 points)

Tally your dogs score and scroll down for results.

62 Points – Congratulations! Your dog is a certified doggy genius! Not many canine owners can claim this for themselves, much less for their pets. Science has shown this is the perfect dog.

43-61 Points – Oh, so close! A pat on the head and a “Good Boy” is in order.

0-42 Points – Sadly this is where a great deal of dogs find themselves, incapable of surviving on their own. This level of dog intelligence coincides with personalities most rational people would consider ‘annoying’ or ‘overwhelming to be around’.

Less than 0 Points – It’s time you thought about trading in your dog for a better one on your way to getting some new socks. One that is less stupid. Unless stupid animals are “just your thing”.

So, how did your dog fare? Leave a comment below with your score. Remember, you can’t teach an old dog new tricks, but it’s never too late to get a new dog.

Aaron Sanders

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14 Celebrities We Lost in 2017 (and Where They Might Be).

It’s a New Year. And at the beginning of the new year we often look back on the old and take stock of how far we have come as well as where we are headed. But not all of us have made it this far.

It’s a New Year. And at the beginning of the new year we often look back on the old and take stock of how far we have come as well as where we are headed. But not all of us have made it this far. We at the Releventist want to look back at the Celebrities We Lost in 2017 (and Where They Might Be)

1. Christopher Lloyd

We are sad to say he is gone. Christopher Lloyd, of “Back to the Future 2” fame, has turned up missing. As of April, 2017, no one knows where he is. Representatives of the Releventist noticed his absence and started an investigation into his whereabouts. The first call was to the police who seemed to be uncooperative. Very suspicious. Our investigative team has taken to pure speculation and came up with only two places Mr. Lloyd might be. Either: 1. At his house, or 2. Somewhere else. We’ll see what 2018 brings. Hopefully it brings Christopher Lloyd back. We’ll see.

2. Paul McCartney

You are probably already familiar with the ongoing “Where is Paul?” campaign. But you might not know why. Paul McCartney, formerly of the Beatles fame, has gone missing. Showing up on the FBI’s most wanted list late last year, the man with the mop-top may be on the run, alone or with a band. Having dual citizenship and a completely unrecognizable face means he could be anywhere. At least in the U.K. or the U.S. For all we know he might have changed his name and face to how it originally was back in 1967 before taking over for the real Paul McCartney.

3. Macaulay Culkin

Lost in New York? AGAIN!? Not likely. Mac doesn’t do sequels. So where is this grown up child (celebrity)? The best guess we have is that he is keeping his head down, tending bar in Houston, Texas. It’s an all too common story for former child actors. They work hard as kids, gain fortune and fame, then when they get a little older, even though they are just as viable in the industry, they take their wisely invested millions and retire to the most fiscally free place they can find to live out their days in peace of mind. We don’t think Mac has left the country, otherwise our next guess would be a small but growing nation between the Croatian and Serbian borders called Liberland. Maybe one day he’ll make it there, but we’re pretty sure he’s doing just fine.

4. Dave Grohl

Dave Grohl is the living personification of a man always attempting to relive his heyday but never even coming close. It’s no wonder he has secluded himself so well that no one can find him. Ever since his departure from the band Scream, Mr. Grohl has tried to fill that void by joining and forming other bands with far less success, if you can count success as recapturing the bygone era that is your youth. It’s obvious that Nirvana and the Foo Fighters could never hold a candle to his first venture. Since the break up of the Foo Fighters in August of 2017 the only logical conclusion we can come to here at the Releventist is that Dave is hiding out on some tiny stage somewhere in the Nevada desert playing all his old songs from yesteryear and saving his money to buy a ticket to the micronation of Liberland.

5. Keanu Reeves

The last 15 years have not been kind to poor Keanu. After being called out by fans over claims that he knew kung fu and embarrassing himself trying to prove it, Keanu Reeves has almost completely fallen off the radar. His lowest point was when a photo op was turned into a joke by the internet. But Hollywood, with it’s ever-forgiving attitude, gave Keanu a second chance with the John Wick series. Although it was a minor success it granted him enough money to go back into hiding. Our sources say that he left his apartment in L.A. in November and hasn’t returned. It is speculated that he has obtained a visa and might be making his way to a new home in the micronation of Liberland. It makes sense, as the climate in both southern California and eastern Europe is quite similar but without the population control problem California suffers from.

6. Aubrey Plaza

It is unsurprising that this wild-and-free spirit has been missing on the big Hollywood circuits lately. Aubrey Plaza is known for playing eccentric characters who don’t give a damn about what others think, but also cares about others and what they think. So it’s pretty obvious that where she might find herself would be a place that’s founded on the idea that “to each their own” but also “come on, let’s all just get along”. The Free Republic of Liberland, located on the Danube, adheres to these basic principles. And it wouldn’t be too crazy to think that you might find one “Aubrey Plaza” there.

(rendering of what Aubrey Plaza will look like spring of 2018 using Simpsons Age Progression Software)

7. J.K. Rowling

With the end of the Harry Potter series came the end of J.K. Rowling’s career. Kids have moved on from Harry Potter and on to A Song of Ice and Fire. And it looks like this franchise is here to stay. J.K. Rowling should have payed attention to what George R.R. Martin did and add another initial to her name. That and she should have taken a few more years between books. Obviously disenfranchised, J.K. has moved on to start a new life, as she cannot seem to be found at that train station where Harry Potter lives. Surely an affluent woman of her stature can find a new start away from Hogwarts. Maybe in the small but developing nation of Liberland. We look forward to a postcard from you.

8. Larry Bird

The Celtics don’t want him. Neither do the Pacers. And who could blame them? There is a reason Larry “the Bird” Bird doesn’t play basketball anymore. You can’t be very good if you were released from the Celtics. I think he realizes this. What other reason would he have for taking his life savings from playing for the NBA and making his way to Liberland? Liberland is the only place that a person like Larry Bird might find true kindred spirits such as the founder and current president Vít Jedlička.

9. Wes Anderson

Wherever he is it is slightly old fashioned, a little quirky, and very symmetrical. An antique clock store? Perhaps. But, you’ll have to forgive us if that seems too obvious. Nothing Wes Anderson does can be categorized as ‘obvious’. No. If you want to find him you’ll need to look in perhaps a recently founded micronation which is carefully and lovingly watched by the two generous and gracious nations which shares its borders.

10. Betty White

Being an actor must be hard, thankless, low paying work. Just look at Betty White. The woman is in her 90’s and she only now has retired. At least we think she has. She won’t answer any calls from us anymore and refuses to answer the door. Surely she isn’t trying to avoid us. So she must be missing. Or has moved somewhere for her retirement, leaving no forwarding address. And the only reason she would do that is because she has moved to the micronation of Liberland, where though the address system has not been established, the view of the Danube is unparalleled.

11. “Dwyane” the Rock “Johnson”

The Rock, who sometimes goes by his alias “Dwayne Johnson”, has gone so far as to send his stunt double out to do his media tour for the upcoming movie “Jumanji: Jungle Fever”. It’s no secret that he has had strained relationships between his co stars. Being the fragile soul that he reportedly is, The Rock claimed he was taking some ‘me time’ in Serbia against the explicit orders of Sony Pictures. Last seen with a duffle bag of what we assume is filled with animal crackers, our best guess is that The Rock, fed up with all your ‘rules’, has made it to the freedom of Liberland and is now living in a libertarian paradise. At least that’s what I would do.

12. Nicholas Cage

Some people you don’t realize are gone until you look up and they’re not there, Nick Cage is not one of those people. No matter how hard you don’t look up so as not to see him, he is always going on about being missing. Who wants to know where someone is if they are never gone long enough for you to go find them? The Nicholascagester is missing, but only in our hearts. Take a note from a movie I once saw, Mr. Cage, make an awesome set of clues and let other people find YOU. It will be so much cooler. By the way, that movie I was talking about, a little movie called “The Da Vinci Code”. Watch it. Movie night. This Tuesday. 7:00. Liberland Rec Center. Be there.

13. Jimmy Page

Most musicians play music as a hobby. Very few are successful enough to move out of their parents basements, much less make a career out of it. And Jimmy Page was no exception. But he stuck with it, spending his Saturday evenings playing in bars and on street corners. He finally got his break in the 1960’s when he conned his way into a performance group called The Led Zeppelins. Unfortunately this group broke up in 1980. Over the years Jimmy has tried his hand at numerous endeavours such as magic, acting, and real estate. We have lost all knowledge of where this rock star has gone this last year, but we think he has taken a led zeppelin over the hills and far away. To the beautiful Liberland. Where he will put his real estate skills to good use in this country that is only 2.7 square miles of stunning landscape.

14. Sylvester Stallone

The last we have seen of Sly Stone was in last years Guardians of the Galaxy Vol. 2. Since then we’ve seen neither hide nor hair of the Italian Stallion. He hasn’t been seen anywhere on TV or the internet. And it’s kind of hard to miss a face like his. I mean, you have seen the man before, right? Though there have been claims of his sighting around it’s pretty obvious after looking into said sightings that it was just his brother, Frank, doing a poor job standing in for him. So where could he have gone? Sylvester Stallone has always had a knack for keeping his movie projects a secret, as the filming locations are always more exotic in nature. But we have a feeling that he has made a more permanent move overseas. Perhaps to the beautiful micronation of Liberland, where the best of Croatian and Serbian cultures mix with the noble principles of freedom and liberty for all.

This article was brought to you in part by the Free Republic of Liberland Volunteer Tourism Council.

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13 Things Guys Should Never Say to a Girl

You’ve probably said at least 4 of these…

When a girl is around it’s best to not say anything that isn’t your feelings. But if you are going to say something not feeling related then make sure it’s not one of these things. Here are 13 Things Guys Should Never Say to a Girl.

1. “Where Did Your Mom Go?”

If you really want to confuse a girl then go ahead and blurt this faux pas right out of your mouth. Otherwise you might want to keep your curiosity to yourself.

2. “Let’s See What’s On YouTube…”

Unless you are watching her channel, DON’T! You will not find anything worth watching.

3. “I Don’t Think This Show Was Actually Recorded in Front of a Live Studio Audience.”

There are two things girls don’t like. Skepticism, and ruining an illusion. Pointing things out, no matter how true they are, is a no-no.

4. “Does This Dress Make Me Look Fat?”

Don’t say it. Don’t even have a reason to say it.

5. “My Social Security Number Is…”

Never give your social security number to any girl no matter what. They are not to be trusted. Find a man and give it to him. Much safer.

6. “I’ll Kill You!”

This might come off as threatening. And unless you want to spend a night in jail and/or spend the next month explaining yourself to a myriad of cops and lawyers, I would suggest not using such direct language with the fairer sex.

7. “Orange You Glad I Didn’t Say Banana?”

Girls really like the flavor of bananas. Don’t tease any female with the prospect of bananas and not have a plantain to follow up with.

8. “I Like Red.” (When Referring to Popsicle Flavors.)

First of all red is not a flavor and you should know that. Second, and possibly more important, you don’t want to let any girl know that you are into the most feminine of all Popsicle flavors. This makes you come off as weak and useless. Stick to grape or blue. Or if you’re feeling a little adventurous Orange. But never red. Come on dude. You’re better than that.

9. “Peter Piper Picked a Peck of Pickled Peppers…”

We know it’s impressive but you have to understand if you start down that path and aren’t able to finish it without getting your tongue in a proverbial knot, then you have just undone all the hard work of trying to impress. And what’s the use of trying if you can’t do it perfectly? Don’t be a loser.

10. “The Sum of the Square Roots of Any Two Sides of an Isosceles Triangle is Equal to the Square Root of the Remaining Side.”

This famous quote from the Wizard of Oz is so close to an actual equation discovered just years later. It might be fun and easy to say, but you shouldn’t be spreading misinformation to anybody, much less girls. She won’t understand the reference.

11. “I Spy With My Little Eye…”

It doesn’t get more creepy than to be told that you are being spied upon. Opt to say “I hear with my little ear…” instead. Girls are much more aurally inclined. They like to talk about things that they’ve heard and be told things that others have overheard.

12. “Girls Are Much More Aurally Inclined.”

This is tantamount to saying girls are blabbermouths. They are, but it’s rude to interrupt them to tell them this.

13. “I Think You Should See a Doctor.”

If you say this then you just blew any chance of a future with any girl within ear shot. This phrase is an immediate tell that you are not a doctor, and thus not rich, and thus not worth her time. Plus girls don’t like being told what to do.

Remember these things and don’t say them, or any of the words contained in them, and you’ll be a hit with the ladies.

Mark Hernandez

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12 Topics to Avoid at Thanksgiving Dinner

Be THANKFUL if no one brings up #5…

The turkey is in the brine, the football is inflated to a perfect 50 psi, and the television is on a timer to turn off exactly when those stupid parades start. It seems you’ve prepared for everything. But there might be one thing you’ve overlooked: thinking of all the things you should NOT talk about on Thanksgiving. Most people open their mouths and let words fly out without thinking a single thought about it. Many a misspoken word can be forgiven, but there are some boundaries which cannot be uncrossed. Here are 12 Topics to Avoid at Thanksgiving Dinner.

1. Local and/or Ancient Roman Politics

You have invited people from all over to your Thanksgiving Day dinner. They have all brought different desserts and guess what? They’ve brought different baggage from their local political situations as well. Everyone thinks their own mayor, sales taxes, and bad roads are so very interesting that they never stop to realize it’s all boring. Stan doesn’t even live in the city limits and he’s getting upset about the water department taking over the duties of the city waste disposal department. Then he goes on about how the aqueducts couldn’t carry away the trash of the Roman populace. At that point cousin Nate slams his fist down, grabs his dinner knife and screams “Yes, they could! That’s what they killed Caesar over! And I’ll do it to you, too!” At that point the children start crying. And we have to reassure them that the Senate was actually upset about his being named dictator for life. And though it helps, it doesn’t always pacify the young’uns. All the while you sit there, poking at the peas with your fork, bored out of your skull. Just put down that knife and sit in the awkward silence that family deserves.

2. Squid vs Octopus

Science has yet to prove there is a difference between the two, yet everyone still believes they know which one is which. It’s embarrassing. None of your family are scientists, and yet they all take hard lined stances on the subject. It’s almost exactly the lobster vs. crab debate from last year or the horse vs. zebra discourse of ‘09, but much more pointless and volatile. Steer clear of this subject. Don’t serve any seafood that could spark such a debate. If this does happen, the best of you will wake up from your tryptophan comas and wonder what the heck you were thinking, the rest will carry resentment over the matter well past Boxing Day.

Can you “spot” the difference?

3. What was the Best Episode of Jeopardy

Let’s face it, pretty much every episode is the same. This discussion always devolves into whether Alex Trebek should have shaved his mustache or not. If you want to have a conversation about types of mustaches and if they are a good idea in general, then knock yourselves out.  But don’t have this important discussion under the guise of ranking episodes of Jeopardy. It’s not fair to you, it’s not fair to Alex Trebek.

4. The Best Way to Start a Retirement Fund

If there is one thing that brings a family together it’s money. But money doesn’t always bring happiness and contentment. I once heard from my mutual funds manager that most fights about money are about how to save for retirement. Although the general consensus is to invest in trinkets and subscription based services there are those that often disagree. Financial advisor Ira Roth has been the source of many family squabbles. He suggests stocks or accounts or something less fun. And more and more people are taking hard stances nowadays. So we recommend avoiding this subject all together.

5. Christmas

It’s still November, yet the shrill voices of children singing Yuletide songs has been scraping against your eardrums for at least six weeks now. Your job has essentially laid you off for four days when you need to be away from the house the most. And to top it all off, Aunt Kathy has decided it’s the perfect time to talk about what to do for a holiday that’s a whole month away. You aren’t even done with this drudgery and you are summoned to negotiate an even bigger ordeal than the one you’re currently trying to navigate as you rapidly slip into a culinarily induced coma. Not only that, but half of your family are Jehovah’s Witnesses. Which just adds to the drama because they are upset about celebrating Thanksgiving in the first place. If the subject comes up, the most diplomatic way to handle it is to start singing “The Monster Mash” as loudly as you can followed by “How do you like mixing holidays now? Huh?”

6. Cousin Gerald’s Seat on the First Shuttle to Mars

The ticket is bought. It is non-refundable. It was expensive and probably a scam. But he’s proud of it. He’s proud of the fact that his score on the 20 question IQ test he took on the internet was so good that he was automatically offered 20% off the already low low price. He’s proud that they waived the required physical because he paid with a money order. It’s a time to be THANKFUL. Don’t go around bursting Gerry’s bubble. That’s the kind of conversation for St. Patrick’s Day. Change the subject.

7. What Knot is Best

Possibly the best knot for these kinds of situations.

Dinner is over. Every belly is full. The dishes are stacked to the ceiling with care. And we all know what that means: “Let the Thanksgiving festivities begin!” So you try to take the initiative and hang the Pilgrim Piñata (something no one ever wants to do) and immediately you get an earful from your uncle Jack about how your square knot is the wrong knot and how you should be using a hogshead knot (something you’re not sure actually exists). Uncle Jack’s chastising under the pretense of ‘helping’ is quickly interrupted by your Grandpa’s two cents on how how a fisherman’s knot used to be all you needed to know. Soon all the men and most of the older women in your family are in a heated discussion about knots that no one wants to admit is getting heated, so everyone is talking in aggressively pleasant tones and fake laughing way too much. And the worst of it is, you were initially really proud that you had perfected the square knot in the first place. Avoid the conversation by not trying. Who’s ready for the Thanksgiving piñata?

8. The War of the Roses

You DO NOT want to go there. You don’t have enough information to make a valid point and you’re just going to end up looking like a FOOL. Everyone thinks they can hold their own when entering this conversation but no one has actually done any research beyond the occasional episode of “The White Queen” or a historical treatise here and there. The whole thing is a vain attempt to look smarter than your idiot cousin who’s only real skill is BSing his way through life. Good luck with that. Just stuff your mouth full of mashed potatoes and let it go.

9. The Beatles or The Rolling Stones

Pictured from left to right: Micky Dolenz, Peter Tork, Davy Jones, Michael Nesmith

Most people either don’t realize or refuse to accept the fact that The Beatles and The Rolling Stones consisted of the same musicians. The Beatles were so famous and out of their minds that they had to create alternate personas just to keep their brains from exploding. In fact they did it twice more. Once as Sgt. Peppers Lonely Hearts Club Band and the other as The Monkees. So forget arguing an essentially moot argument. Instead argue if the Rolling Stones were better than Elvis. That’s a valid argument. Argue that

10. How Dry/Moist the Turkey Is

Ugh. Small talk. The Thanksgiving version of talking about the weather. It only serves to hurt the cooks feelings or stroke their ego. It’s stupid, pointless, and sadistic. I want to blow my brains out.

11. Grandma’s Will

Although we’ve known for years that Mam-Maw only has days left, I must advise that it would be prudent to leave the subject of her Last Will and Testament alone. Remember five years ago, when we found out that she didn’t have one? Well, you nagged her into writing one on her own because you didn’t want to force her into doing something she wasn’t willing to do. But she had already slipped so far from reality that it turned out completely incoherent. And what did make sense would ruin the family for years to come. Well, next year you suggested she write a new one. Too bad for you, because Great Aunt Gladys hired a lawyer and threatened to sue you and cut you out of the will completely if there was any suspicion of foul play or tampering. And it only got worse from there. Cut your losses and get over it.

12. Any Shared Family Memory

We use the term “shared” loosely. Any memory that more than one family member might have will invariably be variable. More than that most events from long ago will be so downright contradictory that any outsider would wonder if these people are related at all. A good way to deflect this is to bring up a memory that none of your family share. Unfortunately, this will come at the price of your dignity. That’s right. Revealing your most shocking and embarrassing secrets is a surefire way to keep the rest of the family from shouting you down in dissent and instead keep them shouting you down in disgust. Who are you kidding? There is no possible way to keep your family from fighting. But at least this time they won’t be calling you a liar. Except for your mom, who believes she raised you better than that.

Surely another successful Thanksgiving is at hand so long as you let these sleeping dogs lie. Memories will form like never before and, who knows, maybe some new traditions will be formed, too. Just remember, if some uncouth relative brings up one of these subjects, you don’t have to get involved. And, if there’s any doubt, have a seat at the kids table. No one there is going to write you out of their will.

Horace Dunmar

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