these are just my words

an open forum for thinking

[divyatalwar]

I don't even know if I'm happy or sad anymore.

There are moments where I finally feel as though I am content with my life, sometimes even happy. However, it never seems to last. One way or another, something comes along to fuck everything up. I’ve decided I no longer wish to trouble my friends with my problems, so from now on I’m going to keep them to myself. I’ll put on a smile and act happy for the world, because no one wants to deal with a pathetic emotional wreck like me.

[thesearejustmywords]

so far my little tumblr here has just been my words... hence the name. but i think it's appropriate to reblog and weigh in on this.

Dear divyatalwar: first i thought that maybe you were quoting a movie, but let's hope that's not the case and you truly are speaking from the heart. i'm sorry to hear that you feel like you need to act happy and can't open up about things that are bothering you. yes, everyone has problems and that makes us feel like our problems don't mean anything compared to others' problems*, but that's simply not true. we all have our own battles, and how we deal with them is just part of who we are. talk away! if you need to get something off your chest, by god, do it man! if anything, the fact that someone has been there to listen to you will make you more perceptible to listen to someone else, and be able to say 'hey, it's ok. i've been there'. "pathetic emotional wreck" is not how i would phrase it... i would say someone who is sympathetic to the human condition and is learning as s/he goes. chin up. the happy moments usually seem to distract from the problems, and i do hope that knowing there is a listening ear brings you comfort.

*i said problems a lot there, didn't i?

[thesearejustmywords]

all ryans welcome

a christmas tune stuck in my head.

i stayed in today because i was feeling faint. now staying up late watching chick flicks, crying right at the emotional stabbing point of each movie. the cause of these tears? could be from anything like the fact that i'm single... no, that would be pathetic. could also be from the fact that i look nothing like emma stone in crazy, stupid, love... also a bit pathetic, and self-loathing! why am i sadistically making myself watch this garbage? maybe because it's not garbage. like most works of fiction, it's an escape from reality. i know that there are no kisses in the rain or the guy stopping you from getting on that plan (he should have stopped her, am i right?) but i do know that there is love. i'm really clinging on to the fact that it exists for everyone, or at least i hope so. i suppose if i keep holding on to the dream, it will eventually materialize. for now, ryan gosling, ryan reynolds, and any other ryans for that matter, can keep telling me that there's someone out there. maybe not with huge pecs and abs, but hey, when the time comes, i'll be realistic.

the christmas song is 'have yourself a merry little christmas'. i bet you thought it was 'baby it's cold outside'... chumps.

[thesearejustmywords]

a page for words that are not mine.

http://thesearejustmywords.tumblr.com/thewordsofothers

[thesearejustmywords]

#late night thoughts

searching this hashtag on tumblr revealed many things. after using it myself i wondered who else is sharing the things that keep them up at night? i found mostly text which is great! although i love images and have strong opinions on art and anything visual, i do have a passion for sharing thoughts. the posts i read were about feeling alone, being sad, not liking yourself, hypothetical situations, dreams, and even love. even the posts that seemed trite and unimportant were interesting to me, solely based on the fact that someone wanted to share something. each post i read was someone sharing an opinion or emotion to an anonymous source. yes, on tumblr people refer to "my followers" and that they can reveal anything to them, but let's be honest and say it's anonymously exposing yourself to anyone. the internet is basically infinite and billions of people can read what you think if they wanted to... i've trailed off here... my point is, keep writing your #late night thoughts because nothing is too petty, and someone is there to read them, to relate to them, to extend words of comfort, to say "i've been there" or "i've never thought of it that way"

[thesearejustmywords]

merry christmas... ya filthy animal

according to Facebook, i have 933 friends, i am tagged in 1,268 photos, and i am a member of 29 groups. it's only 12:15 am in my time zone (as i'm writing, not posting) and i feel totally alone. i worry at times that i alienate people. i know for a fact that i am two-faced and have admitted this fact to several close friends, which makes me wonder what they think. since revealing to them that i am, in fact, two-faced, do they think: "well, if she was being two-faced to me she wouldn't have told me…" or the more likely "i have to be careful what i say around her now" or even "haha, this girl is hilarious!" it's amazing how you can seem one way in front of friends and even new acquaintances but as soon as they are out of the room your opinion changes entirely. i've been told i'm good at hiding who i hate, but i don't like that. if i hate you, i don't want you to know, i just want you to doubt what my emotions are toward you and how close of a friend you are... or if you're a friend at all and maybe i just tolerate you. are you part of the 933, or is the actual number more close to 816, 692, 547, 389, 211, 148, 56, 32, 16, 4, …1?

[thesearejustmywords]

lies.

whenever i have a recently single friend, i say to them "that's great!" not to make them feel bad, but to tell them that now, they can focus on themselves. now that they have broken up with their boyfriend/girlfriend they can be selfish, rediscover themselves, or think about others in their lives. i've never been great at relationships and somehow i still maintain that i am a somewhat romantic. sure, i cry at the end of love actually and have rom coms stored on my dvr, ready to play whenever i need a good cheering up. but in all honesty, i'm a loner. i think i'm so supportive of break ups because i'm glad i'll have someone who can relate to me. someone who knows how i feel. someone who knows the loneliness, the heartache, and the longing. on the other hand, when you're single, it's pretty fucking awesome. you do what you want with whomever you want. you can let yourself go, or get gussied up for just yourself or for someone you are trying to impress. these are of course some of the lies i tell myself. the truth is... i'm afraid. afraid that i won't know how to not be selfish. i won't know how to discover myself. i won't know how to think about others who are in my life. i'll always be focusing on myself, not worrying about a counterpart... but the truth is, i want to worry... i want to be selfless, i want to figure out who i am and how i can be the perfect puzzle piece that fits with the only connecting piece. love is necessary... isn't it?

by the way, i just watched love actually.

[thesearejustmywords]

the tea and the spoon

yesterday i was having a cup of tea and unlike the british way of leaving the bag in, i always take it out with the spoon, wrapping the string around the bag wringing out all the precious tea drops. the only reason i do this is because my mother does this. i never thought to ask why she does it, but i'm sure that she saw her mother (or a mother like figure) do it. when i did this little routine i remembered something an ex boyfriend said when i had done this before. he said “huh, my mom does that with her tea too”. it was as if his mother and i shared some secret ritual that he was just discovering took place outside the confines of his childhood home. he may have also thought about some weird oedipal complex which predicts that every boy ends up with their mother. all bates theories aside, this tea thing really had an impact on him, mesmerized that it could exist to other cultures. the tea bag for him was a sign, a sign that he was with the right girl, or worse, with the wrong girl... my response to him was “yea, so does my mom, it's 'cause we're all smart ladies.” turning this moment that could have meant nothing into a men are from mars, women are from venus thing. either way the relationship didn't last... but i still remember the tea bag, i still do the ritual, and every so often, i remember the small conversation i had with an ex about it and how i ruined it, deromanticized it really. the tea was earl grey.

[thesearejustmywords]

traveling

here's the thing about traveling... i'm living in another country than the one i grew up in and i would say that's pretty cool. but, i'm surrounded by young people all around my age range who have traveled or make travel plans so the topic of discussion usually lands on travel. i tend to feel a bit ashamed because i don't travel but why should i? everyone has this view of trying to get as much in as possible. "things to see before you die". i feel like people who do travel have some cool stories, amazing experiences, and of course some pretty great photos. however, why should i feel like i have to be in that group? if my dreams do not include traveling why should i feel bad about that? people have already begun to redefine what the american dream is. we all have dreams and even though some don't seem as exciting or adventurous as others, as long as we're happy, who cares? sure, maybe one day i will regret not traveling when i was younger, but for now, i feel fulfilled. i don't feel like i'm missing out. i just feel peer pressure about something that i shouldn't even feel ashamed about. my dreams do not need to match that of the popular opinion.

[thesearejustmywords]

late night writing.

it's not even that late. but i am very sleepy. today i hung out with this guy that i only met a couple times, but this was the first time that we had extensive conversation. i was drinking (just some sangria) and he doesn't drink. he actually doesn't drink. not that i am that judgmental. i didn't start drinking until i was 19 (late freshman year of college). and the average is age for kids to start drinking is 12. i thought he was very nice and after we parted ways i thought to myself 'how do i keep in touch... I'LL SEND HIM SOMETHING FUNY ON FACEBOOK!' after all, that is how we all share any emotions or have interactions. but 2 seconds after parting ways i forget the perfect sentiment i would send... it drove me crazy! i thought am i that childish? the drinking...? the thought that sending something on Facebook is a way to keep in touch? how shallow is it that i think all emotional connections can be accomplished by a simple Facebook connection.

when i got home, one of the other girls had sent me a Facebook message. i thought 'that was nice' and it only made me hate  myself more for forgetting what i had wanted to send.

[thesearejustmywords]

so... just words.

i just need a place to have text. i realize tumblr may not be suitable for that, so i may throw images in every so often... but then again why should i? it's not like the point of this is to build an audience... so why the tumblr in the first place? to open up a conversation? sure, let's go with that. i studied photography and basically let my passion for it die with a 9-5... and i'm only 23. time to get my shit together. thoughts. ideas. opinions. plans... for the future i guess. time to get writing. and not formally, i do enough formal writing with correct punctuation at work. time to think out loud and who knows... maybe get some feedback. let's see where this goes...