human element

Manic Depressant Bipolar Self Destructive Anxiety Self Loathing Selfish Bisexual Sex Addict . . . Writing to document and discover a healthier way of living. Seeking balance.

[thesesmallthings]

I didn't take us seriously until it was too late, that is my biggest regret

[brittanylovely]

[thesesmallthings]

numb

I just feel really numb today. to all aspect of emotion. I went to tapped...didn’t drink..huge accomplishment there.

[justlyrics]

[justlyrics]

“Say My Name” by ODESZA f/ Zyra

[extihnction]

[thesesmallthings]

It’s a never ending cycle of highs and lows. mania you make my life a constant battle.

[wnq-writers]

That’s my problem: I think too much, and I feel too deeply. What a dangerous combination.

(via d0pefashi0n)

[extramadness]

Because no matter how bad our relationship got, I wanted to say thank you from the bottom of my heart for it, because I needed it–I needed YOU in this life.

Comet (2014)

[extramadness]

I feel like I’m in the wrong world. ‘Cause I don’t belong in a world where we don’t end up together. I don’t. There are parallel universes out there where this didn’t happen. Where I was with you and you were with me. And whatever universe that is, that’s the one that my heart lives in.

Comet (2014)

[thesesmallthings]

I really prefer staying inside, taking adderall and being productive. I haven’t been social in weeks. Not bothered by it to be honest. 

[thesesmallthings]

Sex addiction

I thought it was sex addiction because I was sleeping with a multitude of people and masturbating upwards of 5 times a day at one point. Lately, I haven’t wanted to sleep with other people but I still watch porn several times a day if I am home. 

I am in a relationship, I have been for almost 5 years, this January. I have never been faithful. I wish I could have been. I wish I could take it all back. I think I have slept with around 10 guys and 2 girls while in my relationship. It’s awful, I know. 

I used to only get off when having sex with strangers until I met Nicklaus (that’s what we will call him, Kevin is the guy mentioned in all my past posts) 

Once I met Kevin I was completely sexually satisfied. Not a single soul on this Earth can make my body feel so complete. His touch was one of a kind. I still touch myself to the thought of him inside me. I cum just thinking about giving him head. 

The problem with this is I can’t have sex with my boyfriend. I love him in every other way shape and form but sexually I can’t. I can be completely horny and the thought of having sex with him seems more like a chore than a desire.

Maybe if I restrain from masturbation, watching porn and sexual thoughts of Nicklaus for an extended period of time I can work up a desire to be with him sexually. 

Another limiting factor is I thought I was only attracted to women but this can’t be true due to my attraction to Nicklaus. He really is the only man I find sexually desirable tho. 

The porn I watch is majority Lesbian porn and I have been reaching out to the lesbian community to make friends lately. I want to experience a loving relationship with a woman, the thought of this alone makes me really happy.

[thesesmallthings]

This blog is not supposed to be about him, It is supposed to be a journey in my mind. My depression, my anger, my fear, my love, my hope....something to heal me.

I can’t let you take over my mind again.

[thesesmallthings]

11/17/2015

One month ago I was out at the NEON art festival in Norfolk. I missed you every second, thinking to myself, “this is so us”, artsy stuff, museums, good food and craft beer. The whole spirit of the evening felt like you should have been with me.  

Per usual I chased one craft beer down with two more, then moved to my signature vodka soda with extra lime. A couple more to ease my nerves...I never know when enough is enough. Next move is to text you in hopes of a sweet reply..

me: “Be off already! Come love me (kissy face x3)” 8:43pm

you: (upset disappointed face) 9:14pm

me: “Or naw?” 9:56pm

me: Lol yup. Cool. (okay hand emoji) 11:37pm

you: You’re such an ass. 11:40pm

Just like you to wait hours to respond to me, it was always a game to you. You would sleep with me, flirt a bit, and distance yourself completely. I was always so confused, just earlier that day you had left my house, we were happy, we were having fun. I knew you had feeling for someone else but I would’ve never guessed they surpassed what we had for one another. 

So, of course my blood boils with frustration after being disappointed by you, yet again. I pull my usual move and start doing pointless research, that always inevitably leads me to be more upset. The typical “Brittany” move is to send a backlash of angry texts hoping to elicit a response, then apologize blaming it on how drunk I was. 

I pulled the “Brittany”

this time I knew I went to far.. I knew it was over. 

Me: “You’re going to be a miserable alcoholic and treat women like shit...Like father, like son (okay hand emoji) night.”

What followed was less than pleasant. I knew it was over. I think my mind knew deep down I had to let you go before you hurt me again. My mind knew it couldn’t handle a round two of losing you.  

I regret saying what I said. I wish I held my cool. 

Only a  week or so after we stopped talking ..you were in Texas with her. You knew all along you would be hurting me again ...but you continued to sleep with me, communicate with me, lead me on... until I gave you a reason to break communication. I made it easy for you. You didn’t have to feel the guilt of hurting me again, I ended it for you. You were a coward.

It’s been a month since we exchanged those last words and today is the first day I have really, deeply missed you. I was shopping in MacArthur and the smell of LUSH, the Christmas lights, the candle store... it’s the silliest things that bring me back to you, but when I venture back my mind remembers every detail and I miss you like it was yesterday. I don’t know if I ever wont miss you. 

I really feel like we could’ve had something extremely special. well, we did. The love I experienced when I was with you was so pure. Like a high school, head over heels, infatuation, never ending heartbreak kind of love. The agony of you breaking my heart is something I will never forget. It was like I was grieving for someone who was never coming back, but then again I guess thats what happened. You were never the same person to me after that first heartbreak, something changed. we changed. I wanted “US” so badly.

I am just rambling now. It’s been one month since we have had any communication and I did a great job by not texting you and telling you how much I miss you. Slow progress is progress. 

I need to stop looking for you at every stoplight and hoping to run into you randomly. I think about bumping into you when I’m doing everyday tasks.. not a day goes by I don’t think about it.

But the best thing to come out of this is that I am sober. I realized the way I treated you was not me. I haven’t had a drink in almost 3 weeks. This is something I needed to do for a long time, so thank you for that. 

[thesesmallthings]

I was in the library studying and I came across this song. Of course a mellow sad version of a song we hold for each other. I know my feelings aren’t what they used to be and I have them under control but I would be lying if I said I don’t miss you from time to time. I almost teared up driving home & I almost sent you this link but I am stronger these days. I recommitted to my relationship and it may not be the passionate undeniable love we shared,but it’s still a genuine love and partnership.

I miss feeling so in love, I was always high around you. I really thought we were different but I look at all the little things the girls you talk to post and I realize it’s all a game to you. It makes me wonder if anything you ever said to me wasn’t fabricated, twisted and reused. That hurts the most when I think about us. It was so real for me. I was willing to look past so many imperfections fatal flaws to be with you, I guess you saved me from an even bigger mess.

And I really want you to know I am sorry for what I said, even if it was the truth, I should’ve never spoken such ugly words. I will always have you in my heart, I don’t think that will ever change.  11/11/15

[thesesmallthings]

watching me is like watching the fire, take your eyes from you"

[thesesmallthings]

A fresh start 11/8/15

I decided to use this to track my thoughts and progress in this upcoming year. I turned 26 on October 25 and I had something in me click saying that I needed to change. I gave up alcohol November 1,2015. I also deleted most of my social media. I give too much away. People don't like me because I make stupid decisions ...I don't ever mean to intentionality Hurt people but apparently I do. This is the main reason I am starting this. I want to change to learn to love me so I'll stop hurting those that do love me. I am also hoping it will help me find more solid friendships in my life. I'm laying in bed, it's 713am... I haven't slept. Time to rest