if i look back, i am lost
almost home
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@thesingerofshadows
𝐒𝐇𝐀𝐃𝐎𝐖𝐒𝐈𝐍𝐆𝐄𝐑, 𝙰𝙽𝙶𝙴𝙻 𝙾𝙵 𝙳𝙴𝙰𝚃𝙷
Indie RP blog for the character 𝐀𝐙𝐑𝐈𝐄𝐋 from the book series 𝐀𝐂𝐎𝐓𝐀𝐑 [ 𝐀 𝐂𝐨𝐮𝐫𝐭 𝐨𝐟 𝐓𝐡𝐨𝐫𝐧𝐬 𝐚𝐧𝐝 𝐑𝐨𝐬𝐞𝐬 ]. Selective, mutuals only, low activity. Contains tagged NSFW and other triggering content. Mun is 21+, spanish and english. Please read links before interaction. Written by: Tati
Other Blogs: 𝐑𝐡𝐲𝐬𝐚𝐧𝐝 𝐟𝐫𝐨𝐦 𝐀𝐂𝐎𝐓𝐀𝐑, 𝐌𝐮𝐥𝐭𝐢 𝐦𝐮𝐬𝐞 ( 𝐩𝐫𝐢𝐦𝐚𝐫𝐲 𝐛𝐥𝐨𝐠 𝐭𝐨 𝐭𝐡𝐢𝐬 𝐨𝐧𝐞 )
Rules & Verses || Ask || Prompts
melnchly:
@seaofechoes (AZRIEL!) said: ❛ i still need you . ❜ to ELAIN!
her breath catches, hard, in her throat. and for once she sees images of what had been rather than what could come to pass. a necklace of colored glass, a hand on the back of her neck, eyes looking down into hers. then, like a blow, the way it had all been left. how she had left that necklace waiting, returned it, because how could she keep it? even when she had wanted to, wanted the chance to lift her fingers to it every chance she wanted, to know that…
to know what didn’t matter, now. he had left it behind, after all, hadn’t he? brown eyes close, and she wraps her arms around herself to hide her shaking hands. i still need you. it passes over her skin like a caress, though how she can feel the words of someone standing behind her she cannot begin to explain, but they’re soft as shadows. her heart skitters, something within her reaching for those words as though for a path.
“do you?’ she asks, turning her head to the side to glance over her shoulder, daring no more than that. “you left rather easily, before.” there are garden gates around her heart, ones that had begun to creak open for him, once she had repaired them from graysen’s rending. she had slammed them shut for a time, but they had begun to open. now, they quaver, wondering if they should clang closed again. protect her from the way it had felt to be rejected, scorned and dismissed, her heart a shattered thing left on a fortress floor. “do not play games with me,” she says, turning away again, letting her gaze fall to the setting sun beyond the windows. “i have no taste for them.” despite the fact that what she wants to say, the words that linger, lace through every word, are simple: i need you, too. she is beginning to think she always has.
░▒▌╳▐ ꭺ ꮓ ꭱ ꮖ ꭼ ꮮ
𝐓𝐇𝐄 𝐁𝐈𝐓𝐓𝐄𝐑 𝐂𝐎𝐋𝐃 𝐓𝐇𝐀𝐓 𝐇𝐄 would so often welcome, isolating him from both thoughts and emotions, had become a double-edged blade. Her ABSENCE only sharpened the need that had been so swiftly rising ever since that first meeting, stabbing a place within whenever they stood in the same room, and TWISTING in his gut when she didn't even glance to him. Those eyes haunted him in the lonely darkness of his rooms. Not even the tone of his brother's ire when commanding him to stop seeking Elain could deter the Shadowsinger now that it was, finally, just THEM once more. And even still, the way she merely glances over an elegant shoulder, doesn't grant him that direct meeting that he's undeserving of.
Azriel dares to step closer rather than answering, silent despite the SHADOWS having skittered away as they tend to do in her presence. But he knows she can FEEL him, nonetheless. The same way that the scarred skin of his hands tingle with the memory of that soft skin beneath them whenever the female's close.
❝ It's not what I wanted. ❞ Wanting is an understatement of the ACHE that dominates him. Maybe what worsens it all is the way she'd looked at him when he'd pulled back that night, because he knew he'd been shut out from that SACRED place that not even her mate could glimpse inside. ❝ I've never wanted games with you. ❞ Rhysand's warning disappears like swirls of smoke when she turns away, almost shunning him as he'd been shunned his entire life. He should walk away because this is wrong, DANGEROUS, and yet like that night, he just doesn't care. Az steps closer still, until the floral scents that cling on those golden-brown waves of her hair—glowing in the light filtering through the window—are an assault to his nostrils, and he has to will himself to not inhale and drink it all in.
❝ Elain, ❞ his voice whispers softly, beckoning for her from the depths of his heart. ❝ Look at me. Please... ❞ He has begged before, centuries past. Begged for mercy, for attention, for LOVE. But when all he received was pain and hate, then learned to use those as armor, and there would be no more pleading. This was different— SHE is different, unlike any who has made him feel before, and the male has found himself doing things he'd thought were no more.
@valkyrshe said: ❛ please don’t go… don’t leave me. ❜
░▒▌╳▐ ꭺ ꮓ ꭱ ꮖ ꭼ ꮮ
𝐁𝐘 𝐍𝐎𝐖, 𝐈𝐓 𝐖𝐎𝐔𝐋𝐃 𝐒𝐄𝐄𝐌 𝐓𝐇𝐄𝐒𝐄 training sessions with just the two of them, have become a norm. Gwyn is not to blame for Cassian's rather obvious lapses in focus thanks to that mate bond with Nesta. Glad for them both but unfailingly, that happiness is simultaneously accompanied by bubbling JEALOUSY. Especially following the tense moment he recently went through, that ended with his brother's stern COMMAND to steer clear of Elain. His rage was as cold and harsh as the Illyrian mountains and even now, after several days, he can still feel the remnants. But the shadowsinger has thrown himself into the female's Valkyrie training and when that's done with, he trains some more by himself until he's near to collapsing from EXHAUSTION.
But lately, being with Gwyn has become an unexpected silver lining... Until just now, when the proximity of their bodies BETRAYED that firm grip Azriel had on himself. It was only when the necklace intended for the Archeron slipped from the priestess' neck, that he stiffens. Their lips had been barely a breath apart before he pulls back, quickly declaring the session over. The male was about to fly away when that lovely voice of hers beckons him back, like a siren LURING her prey. Lips purse together in a tight line and even his shadows halted in their smoky movement, awaiting his decision. Seconds passed with him standing in an almost eerily still way, a display that disguised the CONFLICT taking place within. Without a word, a silent sigh leaves him and he turns to face Gwyn again, even if he doesn't take a single step in her direction. Like his shadows, he waits, because the Spymaster doesn't trust himself if he were to let his feet move.
@ofthornsandfury said: ❛ on lonely nights i stare into the trees, and a strange face leers back. ❜
░▒▌╳▐ ꭺ ꮓ ꭱ ꮖ ꭼ ꮮ
𝐓𝐇𝐄𝐑𝐄 𝐖𝐎𝐔𝐋𝐃 𝐁𝐄 𝐍𝐎 𝐅𝐎𝐑𝐆𝐄𝐓𝐓𝐈𝐍𝐆 the moment his daughter was born. Az thought that the birth of Nyx was when he'd known the most FEAR in his life. Not even the memories of his childhood, spent locked in the DARKNESS to await with dread what his half-brothers would torment him with, rendered him so afraid. That precious, single hour was the only semblance of LIGHT he'd known, a respite from the unending torture. Until he learned to listen to what the shadows whispered. But the birth of Cassandra proved him wrong, because even if all seemed to be as it should, Azriel was SCARED. Even now, years after, that fear lingers in the form of apprehension for what is yet to come; and how it might all affect his child.
❝ How does the face make you feel? ❞ The father asks, no hint in his voice of the WORRY that is swift to rise. She has inherited her mother's foresight—A seer in her own right. There was the slightest gleam of WARMTH in his hazel-green eyes, reserved only for Elain and their daughter. A scarred hand touches the female's smooth and beautiful one while he ignores that ever present sense of UNWORTHINESS. Even after the Archeron herself expressed her love, the shadowsinger finds himself thinking it. ❝ How often has it happened? ❞
Elain and Gwyn asks: “I’m pregnant.” Az: :) :) :) ☠️☠️☠️
pregnancy prompts ( pt. 1 )
i’m seeing a lot of baby fever on the dash lately, PLUS a lovely nonnie asked for angsty pregnancy prompts and i wasn’t able to, so have some lighter baby prompts instead! love to all!
“ is… is it mine? ”
“ have you thought of any baby names? ”
“ i thought the doctor put you on bed rest? ”
“ hey! i got you starbucks! decaf, of course. ”
“ have you had any cravings yet? ”
“ ah… i know. morning sickness is no fun, huh? ”
“ i’m pregnant. ”
“ you’re going to be a mother/father/aunt/uncle/etc. ”
“ i saw the pregnancy test in the trash. ”
“ the pregnancy test… it’s yours. right? ”
“ does the father know? “
“ who’s the father? “
“ it doesn’t matter about the father. i’m here to support you and this baby, no matter what. okay? “
“ you’re not alone. it takes a village to raise a kid, right? “
“ i want… a cheeseburger. with fries. and a strawberry shake. and onion rings… ”
“ that was a kick! ”
“ was that a kick? ”
“ is it a boy or a girl? ”
“ what color paint do you want? for the nursery? ”
“ we need to go shopping! baby clothes, maternity clothes, furniture, all of it! ”
“ i… we should get married. right? that’s what you do, when… when there’s a kid? ”
“ i know it was just a one night stand, but… i’m gonna support you. whatever you decide to do. ”
“ shit… um… i-i’m the dad. right? ”
“ you got that pregnancy glow. ”
“ hey… this is new for both of us. but i reckon you’re going to be a terrific mother/father/parent. ”
“ i… i slept with someone else while we were separated. they won’t pick up their phone, but… i’m not sure if you’re the father or not. ”
“ maybe we should move in together. n-not permanently. just until the baby’s born. ”
“ wait a minute. heartbeats?! plural?! we’re having twins/triplets/etc?! ”
“ woah… this pram costs more than three months rent. ”
“ ikea really knows how to make building a crib stressful… ”
“ god, i’m a mess. i cried yesterday while watching an advertisement for fence paint. hormones are something else… ”
“ can i have your fries? don’t judge me, the baby’s hungry. ”
“ my back’s been killing me for the last month, and i have four more months to go… my chiropractor’s gonna have a field day. ”
“ i know we want this to be a secret, but people are getting suspicious. i can only turn down champagne so many times… ”
“ wanna go with me for the next scan? it’s a big one, we get to keep a copy for the baby book. ”
“ oh, you best believe i’m signing up for all the babysitting duty. ”
“ would you like to be their godfather/godmother? ”
“ i’m their honorary aunt/uncle, let me spoil the little kiddo! ”
“ they have the instructions for this crib in every language except english. they have it in irish! who has it in irish?! ”
“ no! no mayonnaise! it’s bad for pregnant people! ”
“ i took the test nine times, okay, and all of them are positive. this is real. this is happening. ”
“ i always wanted kids… ”
“ that kid’s gonna be the most insanely loved baby in the world. ”
“ don’t look at me like that, okay? we’re going totally tee-total until the baby comes. ”
“ i swear, if i read one more baby book… ”
“ i wouldn’t mind, but all the women i meet when i go outside the door, all have different advice for me. the bump is like a magnet to them… ”
“ i wouldn’t blame you if you walked away, you know. you never signed up for a baby. ”
“ one thing’s for sure… everything’s going to change the minute people find out about the baby. ”
“ here! i got you some take-out. and i researched like, fifty mommy blogs to make sure this stuff was totally safe and healthy for you. ”
“ i don’t know if i ever had a plan for my life, but… if i did, i think pregnancy was later down the road. ”
“ my love, starting a family with you… it’s my greatest wish. but if you’re not ready, that’s okay. what will be, will be. ”
“ hey, why don’t we plan a baby shower! ”
@hinnulain: *posts all the Elain headcanons/Elriel content* Me, lurking: *shamelessly likes each and every one of them*
favorite lit ships ♡ elain archeron x azriel Elain looked up at Azriel, their eyes meeting, his hand still lingering on the hilt of the blade. I saw the painting in my mind: the lovely fawn, blooming spring vibrant behind her. Standing before Death, shadows and terrors lurking over his shoulder. Light and dark, the space between their bodies a blend of the two. The only bridge of connection … that knife.
𝐎𝐎𝐂;
Hello everyone! So I know my disappearances are probably getting old by now but, believe me, it’s the same for me. This time, my body has betrayed me and this has led to my mental state also betraying me. Will put under cut because it’s a little long.
Keep reading
@melnchly as Elain said: ❛ you see everyone so clearly except yourself. ❜
░▒▌╳▐ ꭺ ꮓ ꭱ ꮖ ꭼ ꮮ
𝐀𝐅𝐓𝐄𝐑 𝐓𝐇𝐄 𝐈𝐍𝐂𝐈𝐃𝐄𝐍𝐓 𝐃𝐔𝐑𝐈𝐍𝐆 𝐖𝐈𝐍𝐓𝐄𝐑 𝐒𝐎𝐋𝐒𝐓𝐈𝐂𝐄, there was an undeniable and silent tension between him and Elain. It wasn't a feeling of discontent but it was THICK enough to taste it somehow in the very air they shared. Regardless of his brother's command to stay away from the Archeron sister, he couldn't exactly escape her presence if she was the one to step into the room. More so when he doesn't WANT to leave. Azriel wasn't looking at her, not even as she neared, causing his shadows to skitter away as they usually do. She was the warm SUN in a spring afternoon, and he was the cold, DARK side of the moon in a winter night. Even her scent was as SWEET as the nectar of flowers, enticing him to taste it—Taste her. No matter how much the Spymaster dismissed the memories of her arousal rising to his nostrils that night, it was IMPOSSIBLE to stop it from resurfacing during restless nights.
Before his mind could go down that path again, the shadowsinger lifts his hazel gaze in her direction, not intending on being caught in her own. The SILENCE washes over him as her own eyes do, LOOKING in that way only she can. The words she states, barely moving those INVITING lips to speak them, cause his eyes to narrow slightly. Turning fully to face Elain, he takes only a couple steps closer but there was still a good few feet between them. He wasn't sure he'd CARE enough to not risk a repeat their last encounter.
❝ You see me. ❞ Azriel noted, not giving much thought to what she means by her comment and instead diverting the words back to her. ❝ What do you see? ❞
@amaranthyrs as Elspeth said: ❛ i’m sorry, i’m not what you think i am. ❜
░▒▌╳▐ ꭺ ꮓ ꭱ ꮖ ꭼ ꮮ
𝐓𝐇𝐄 𝐖𝐇𝐈𝐒𝐏𝐄𝐑𝐒 𝐎𝐅 𝐇𝐈𝐒 𝐒𝐇𝐀𝐃𝐎𝐖𝐒 warned him of the female's approach before his ears could catch the soft pat of her steps. Ever since her arrival, Elspeth has helped many with her HEALING talents. Even Rhys appears to trust her and as someone who can slip into the minds of others, his brother should know in truth that female has no ill intent. But Azriel knows she has acquired other sets of skills that she might be employing unbeknownst to all. The healer might've convinced the High Lord of her innocence, but the Shadowsinger requires further, and more CERTAIN, assurances himself. TRUST is a gift that the Spymaster seldom grants others, not merely because it's part of the job, but because it's in his NATURE. It's why she's defending herself now with those apologetic words, which only have him crossing his arms over his chest. The FROZEN mask remained masterfully in place. The female was too quick to blurt those words.
❝ What are you? ❞ The question was as smooth as his voice, seemingly rooted on nothing but CURIOSITY rather than accusation. He could specify on what it is that he wanted to know, but experience has taught him that it's best to keep questions DIRECT and short. Often, it UNNERVED others enough to have them spill their truths and SECRETS without much demand.
𝐎𝐎𝐂; 𝐀 𝐡𝐞𝐚𝐝 𝐧𝐨𝐭𝐞 𝐨𝐧 𝐞𝐦𝐨𝐭𝐢𝐨𝐧
Okay, so let me just quickly type this and share before I forget.
In the bonus chapter, we have how he mentions perfecting that frozen mask in his father’s dungeon. Am pretty sure that by ‘perfecting’, he means he’d stood there as rigidly as he could, swallowing the tears of pain, biting his tongue, as his stepbrothers tormented him physically and emotionally. That mask was the beginning of his defense mechanism, of indifference and detachment, how he ‘defaults’ to being ‘nothing’ after that discussion with Rhys, where he was feeling so much rage.
Detachment is the mechanism he uses when emotions flare but I think this also has a double-edged sword effect. Because when he feels, he does so intensely. His anger is icy, his desire is consuming, his love is lasting. And it’s not something you can really see, because like his shadows, all of this happens internally. It’s why the ‘frozen’ and ‘icy’ comparisons are used because it’s not fiery anger; you can’t hear the crackling of the flames or or see it light up. It’s like a block of ice, an iceberg; quiet, seemingly frozen in place (but it actually moves very slowly), hiding in the shadows. But able to destroy, to burn someone with that rigid cold just as a fire can with the heat. I believe it’s all more evident in strong emotions, like the anger and desire that we see in the chapter. And I think it can also come out in other aspects, for example, the ‘freak in bed’ bit that the author mentions.
Az has trouble managing his emotions because he was forced in his childhood, to detach himself from them in order to protect himself from the abuses he was suffering. He learned to do this since he was a boy, and then during his Illyrian training, the ‘need’ to protect himself continued, and so did this defense mechanism, until it just became a part of who and how he is.
But yes, this is it for now... There are other such examples that I can think of but I want to concentrate on dissecting his bonus chapter... Until we get that book of his.
𝐚𝐧𝐠𝐬𝐭𝐲 𝐩𝐫𝐨𝐦𝐩𝐭𝐬 𝐩𝐭. 𝟏
i’ve made emotional ones before but also, angst?? bon appetit!
“ i can’t do this alone… “
“ i can’t do this without you. “
“ nothing is worth losing you. “
“ i can’t lose you! not again! “
“ i don’t wanna lose you! “
“ i love you… “
“ i never should’ve dragged you into this. “
“ you’re not alone, [NAME]… you never were. “
“ if something happened to you… that would be because of me. and i can’t have that. “
“ …did you know about this? “ “ this is all my fault… “
“ i/we/you lost… “
“ you won’t win. “ “ this path you’re on… it’s gonna get you killed. you know that, though; don’t you? “
“ i can’t stop. “
“ you would tell me if something was wrong. wouldn’t you? “
“ it’s like you’re not really here; even when you are. “
“ don’t you get it?! if anything happens to you, i… i don’t know what i’d do! “
“ you have no idea how important you are to me, and i’m tired of waiting for you to figure it out, and i sure as hell won’t wait to announce it over your reckless ass’ grave! “
“ no! i’m not leaving without you! “
“ i can’t do this anymore… “
“ you don’t even know me. “
“ what have you done?! “
“ you’re shaking… “
“ i’ve… made some mistakes. “
“ you are nothing to me. “
“ you were never nothing to me… “
“ stop it. enough of this self-sacrificing bullshit! stop acting like you have nobody who loves you! you have me! so no! you don’t get to be a martyr. not today! we can figure out a different plan… “
“ i would’ve done anything for you… “
“ i’d risk everything and anything for you. “
“ i’m not a good person. “
“ please don’t look at me like that… “
“ i believed in you! “
“ we can’t lose… “
“ what?! what am i supposed to do?! please! tell me, what the hell am i supposed to do?! “
“ please, just go… i’m not the kind of person anyone needs to be around right now. “
“ what happened to you? huh? what happened to you to make you this way? “
“ they’re coming for you. right? that’s why you’re pushing me away like an idiot? because you don’t want me getting hurt? “
“ nothing’s going to be as good as it was before. “
“ you lied to me! “
“ i didn’t mean for any of this to happen! “
“ i can’t trust you anymore… “
“ i know it’s selfish. god knows, ever since we met, i’ve been the reason behind every threat and danger that’s come your way. but… i honestly can’t say that i’d change a second of it. “
“ it’s been an honour knowing you. “
“ there’s nobody else i can turn to. only you. “
“ i don’t trust anybody else. not the way i trust you. “
“ we have no choice… “
“ why?! why are you helping me?! “
“ it’s too late. there’s nothing more we can do… “
“ please don’t go… don’t leave me. “
“ you are everything to me. okay? EVERYTHING. i can’t lose you… “
“ you deserve better than this… better than me… “
“ i thought i could give you a better life. instead, i’m the reason it’s gotten worse… i’m so sorry. “
𝑺𝑶𝑭𝑻 𝑻𝑯𝑶𝑹𝑵𝑺 𝑽𝑶𝑳. 𝑰 . ( sentence starters taken from / inspired by volume one of ‘ soft thorns ’ by bridgett devoue . triggering themes may be implied .)
❛ you are the brave one . ❜ ❛ you make me brave , & i’ll forever be grateful for that . ❜ ❛ i was born with wide eyes & a fragile heart . ❜ ❛ i feel everything so deeply . ❜ ❛ i am not yours . ❜ ❛ you never asked if i wanted a guest . ❜ ❛ this is why no one loves you . ❜ ❛ beauty does not solve problems . ❜ ❛ someone once told me they were scared of the truth in my eyes . ❜ ❛ i don’t remember love as a child . ❜ ❛ a fantasy in real life is also known as a lie . ❜ ❛ i was eager to prove i was good enough . ❜ ❛ scars may fade , but they last forever . ❜ ❛ i always scared everyone away . ❜ ❛ i kept this dream hidden away . ❜ ❛ i used to think love wasn’t for me . that i wasn’t worthy . ❜ ❛ your love is like an exorcism . ❜ ❛ you’re the one who reminded me i have a pulse . ❜ ❛ there is an unspoken truth between us . ❜ ❛ i crave you , even though i know you will destroy me . ❜ ❛ you’re just standing there watching me burn , wearing that crooked smile of yours . ❜ ❛ i know i’m not perfect , but i felt pretty damn close to it when i was in your arms . ❜ ❛ in another lifetime , we have definitely done this before . ❜ ❛ i never thought i would be a good mother . ❜ ❛ i want to love you back together . ❜ ❛ we have this divine bond between us . divine in the way that it’s certainly not from this lifetime . ❜ ❛ my soul craves a love that’s undeniably real . ❜ ❛ i want to experience why we’re here on earth . ❜ ❛ i want to tell you everything . ❜ ❛ hell is watching something that was your everything slip away & not being able to do anything about it . ❜ ❛ i can tell that when i’m with you , you’re with her . ❜ ❛ why is it that everyone can see i’m suffering but you ? ❜ ❛ let’s pretend like we’re friends . ❜ ❛ it’s so painful to talk to you , because i just remember everything you turned out not to be . ❜ ❛ i don’t know how to fall asleep anymore . ❜ ❛ are you pretending to forget me , too ? ❜ ❛ i can still close my eyes & trace every curve & dip of your soul . ❜ ❛ those who don’t believe in ghosts have never had a broken heart . ❜ ❛ god , you’re beautiful . ❜ ❛ i know i should , but i’m not ready to give up your memory . ❜ ❛ i never told you how much you hurt me . ❜ ❛ i keep falling in love with souls that feel like yours . ❜ ❛ being alone was never hard before i met you . ❜ ❛ you must think i’m crazy for missing something i never even had . ❜ ❛ i’m lonely , but i don’t want company . ❜ ❛ you walked away far too easily for me to believe it was ever really love . ❜ ❛ you never loved me . ❜ ❛ when you’ve been fed lies for so long , you eventually lose your appetite for love . ❜ ❛ i have nothing left to say to you . ❜ ❛ you’ll never know all the ways i died for you . ❜ ❛ ‘goodbye’ is easy . everything after that is the hard part . ❜ ❛ even though you turned out to be a liar , within me grew a love that was the most pure & honest thing i’ve ever known . ❜ ❛ nothing was ever easy , but maybe that’s the beauty of it . ❜ ❛ i am everything that you are not . ❜ ❛ love is a necessary tragedy . ❜ ❛ there are people who don’t want you to heal . ❜ ❛ remember : you are not their prey . ❜ ❛ you have more power than you know . ❜ ❛ the most dangerous thing we can do is forget how to feel . ❜ ❛ you will be safe in the right hands . ❜ ❛ love makes us immortal in the hearts of others , but mortal in our fear that it could all be gone someday . ❜ ❛ we’re only haunted by the things we refuse to accept . ❜ ❛ we are not born broken . ❜ ❛ time will either heal you or kill you . ❜
more prompts for your feels
“ what am i supposed to do when i can’t even trust my own mind? ” “ i have to believe death is the end. because all that waits for me in the afterlife is a debt of sin i don’t think could ever be paid off. ” “ what do you see when you look into my eyes? ” “ it doesn’t always have to be you, you know? your shoulders aren’t the only ones that can bear the weight of the world. ” “ i don’t think hearts break. shattered things can only be broken once. but torn things can be mended again and again until it’s all scars and stitching. ” “ i can’t remember what it’s like to be truly wanted. ” “ every time you look at me i feel invisible. ” “ loneliness is a slow and cruel poison. ” “ i’m afraid that if i let you see every side of me, you should shrink back in fear or disgust. ” “ for once in your life, what is it that you want. ” “ i’ve been wrapped in my sorrow for so long, i’m afraid i’ll feel too cold without it. ” “ i just want to see you smile again. ” “ can’t you stop running for one second? ” “ i’ll be here. when you’re ready to talk. ” “ being strong doesn’t mean never asking for help or admitting you’re in pain. ” “ don’t shut me out. please. ” “ don’t look at me like that. ” “ the world isn’t made up of heroes and monsters. just broken people balancing between the two. ” “ i just wanted to do something good for once. ” “ why can’t you tell me what’s wrong? ” “ just trust me. please. ” “ why can’t you let me in? what are you so afraid of? ” “ you’re so worried about losing me/them you’re missing everything in front of you. ” “ i’m not leaving you. ” “ you’re not alone. i’m here. ” “ you see everyone so clearly except yourself. ” “ don’t you understand? i love you. and nothing you’ve done, no matter how much of a monster you think you are, is gonna change that. ” “ i find broken things interesting. maybe that’s why i like you so much. ” “ i want to be whatever it is you think i am. ” “ you see the good in everything. that’s why i like it when you look at me. ” “ i’ll still be here when you wake. ” “ i promise i’ll never hurt you again. ” “ as long as i have you, the rest doesn’t matter. ” “ what did they do to you? ” “ i’m not sure i should leave you alone. ” “ i won’t hate you. i know you think that’s what you deserve but it’s not. ” “ i want to love the parts of you that you hate. ” “ i’m scared of what you’re becoming. ” “ i’m sorry, i’m not what you think i am. ” “ you’ll always have a home with me. ” “ what happened to you? ” “ i thought i’d never see you again. ” “ you’re such a fucking coward. ” “ i envy anyone who has the privilege of being loved by you. ” “ you scared me. ” “ please, don’t ever give up on me. ” “ i’m not giving up on you. not ever. ” “ i know you love me. but it’s not the way i want to be loved. ”
@acourtcfmuses as Gwyn said: ❛ it scares you being alone. ❜
░▒▌╳▐ ᴀ ᴢ ʀ ɪ ᴇ ʟ
𝐓𝐇𝐄 𝐒𝐓𝐀𝐓𝐄𝐌𝐄𝐍𝐓 𝐓𝐇𝐀𝐓 𝐒𝐋𝐈𝐏𝐒 𝐏𝐀𝐒𝐓 her lips is yet another of the many that Gwyn has voiced. Others ( outside the Inner Circle ) would RARELY even speak to him with the seeming ease as she, and far less are they so BLUNT in their words. Or maybe what simultaneously amuses and baffles him him is how unknowingly insightful she can be, sometimes. His shadows shift and perch on his shoulders, probably agreeing with his observations or simply CONTENT to be in the presence of the coppery-brown haired priestess. They have failed, more than once now, to let him know of her approach. As if they WANT the two to find one another.
❝ You said yourself once, that you know I like to be alone. ❞ Azriel points out with a snort, but the truth is, he's not alone; not until his shadows go to sleep and he's left with his INNERMOST thoughts. It's one of the reasons why the shadowsinger pushes his body to the limits of EXHAUSTION, just so there's no chance for his mind to fill that loneliness with whatever it decides to CONTEMPLATE on. None of this is something that he is willing to expose nor admit to.
𝐎𝐎𝐂;
Tiny thought about Azriel now that I’m noting down details… In the conversation with Gwyn, as part of calling him out on the whole ‘forgot something’ lie, she replies to how he says he can’t sleep without his fav dagger with ‘A comfort for every growing child’. I am thinking… How much of that sentence is actually very painfully accurate?
Did Azriel didn’t even want to fall asleep in his father’s dungeon? Because if he did, would he not know when his half-brothers would come in to try any more ‘experiments’ on him? Is it something that happened after they burned his hands? Do those thoughts that invade him when he stays still long enough at night, include those memories? Is it why he sleeps with so many daggers, because ( as Gwyn commented ) they are a COMFORT and he needs some of that comfort to be able to sleep, not just for the obvious security aspects for the Spymaster of the Night Court?
I have way too many headcanons brewing so this is only just a tiny thing but I had to share it, because I am indeed adopting them all into my interpretation of Azriel yep.
