Witchy Woman @theslothmobile-blog - Tumblr Blog

It’s been a while since we checked in on how the Renaissance is doing with its ocean mysteries, so here is a marine biology update circa 1550.

Seals come in two forms:

Buff

& Triangular

Walruses are horrifying

But whales are worse

Fish can have human faces

but not always where you’d expect

As for the rest

… it’s probably better left alone.

[All images except chest face fish from Historiae animalium liber IV : De piscium & aquatilium animantium natura. Chest face fish from The noble lyfe & natures of man of bestes, serpentys, fowles & fisshes yt be moste knowen]

theonlyjelly-iwillput-inmybelly

oh gods my boyfriend isn’t home and I forget the english word for this thing and it’s bAD he usually helps but i cAN’T

boslynboypunk

I WILL ASSIST?

theonlyjelly-iwillput-inmybelly

you know that little sea bug with the stupid hands and it has a home but it changes homes sometimes because it gets too big for it?? what is it???

mavros-lykos

Hermit crab??

theonlyjelly-iwillput-inmybelly

THAT’S THE BITCH

opossummypossum

ways in which opossums are like beautiful girls:

shiny eyes

cute nose

shapely ears

pink lips

silky fur

50 teeth

13 nipples

slight mustache

wolfsmom1

Look, I have one of these creepy jerks in my back garden and it can fuck off. It freezes and looks at me with that mannequin face of “you didn’t see anything.” I understand that it’s a good thing for the ecosystem but it fuckin freaks me out. Blechhhh. I like the bunny rabbits and the chipmunks and the occasional mouse but this ugly ass bitch needs to shove off.

opossummypossum

more ways in which opossums are like beautiful girls:

adorable when asleep

long fingers

permanent smokey eye

fuzzy belly

yassmines

holyaura

when i say “i hate men” im not talking about every individual man in the world, im talking about men as a social class, but if youre the kind of man that gets offended when i say i hate men then i do, specifically, hate you on an individual level

southernsideofme-deactivated201

kedamonokult-deactivated2023030

You forgot the best one yet

sexhaver

just watched Shape of Water on the plane and like. damn. she really flooded her whole apartment for that fish dick

sexhaver

it literally isnt and im concerned

cinged-deactivated20180706

coward

bananajeph-deactivated20180116

“van gogh ate yellow paint because-” he was suicidal, karen

boggblog

“If Van Goah had antidepressants, we wouldn’t have his artwo-” We’d have a lot more of his work, Karen, and who the fuck cares about what we get from him he deserved to be well, karen.

c-chanfromda

“he cut his ear off for a woman because he lo-” because he was mentally ill, Karen.

draumboosky

I had to pee really bad and o forgot that I had just sliced jalapeño peppers and the chef is looking nice at me weird because I’m pouring milk on a rag and running to the bathroom

draumboosky

My dick has been on fire for over an hour

draumboosky

I told my chef what happened and he was like “you only make that mistake about fourteen times”

draumboosky

He tells me this story about this time he had gotten out of a chili class in which he had been cutting habenjero peppers all class and he goes back to his dorm and starts finger blasting his girlfriend and she stars SCREECHING.

draumboosky

She he fukin SPRINTS to the dorm prep kitchen and gets a gallon of heavy cream and runs back to the room. He starts pouring this shit all over her Cooze right, and she’s like shoveling cream into her hole. And he’s freaking out. Like he’s so sure that this chick is don’t with him forever.

draumboosky

So they deal with this thing and the cream works and he’s like massaging it into her pussy for like a half an hour because you have to constantly soak it to nullify the habenjero oils or whatever. And she gets INTO IT.

draumboosky

She fucking CUMS

draumboosky

And my chef tells me this stupid ass story and looks me in the eye and says to me

“Nothing says I love you like a gallon of heavy cream in her pussy”

And I think that’s the best sentence I’ve ever heard in my entire life.

deicide4122

Yes good story but WHY IS IT IN LIKE 8 DIFFERENT PARTS DO YOU KNOW WHAT PARAGRAPHS ARE.

ITS THIS. YOU COULD HAVE DONE THIS.

draumboosky

SOMETIMES PEOPLE ARE AT WORK AND CANT POST EVERYTHING AT ONE TIME FUCK OFF

afroclusterfunk

its serialized. he’s a modern day dickens

battlecrazed-axe-mage

Compilation post: Constellation dice (Gio Laser, Kickstarter)

sixpenceee

Last veteran of his WWII battle group marching alone in Memorial Day Parade.

goo-goo-babies

crtter

Intentional misspellings and unusual handling of words is one of my favorite “minor” memes tbh I love it so much. Here are some of my all time favorites:

▪ Replacing “ck” with “cc” (ie. succ, thicc)

▪ Replacing “t” with “d” and vice-versa (ie. gotdamn,shid,blocket)

▪ Just… every kind of weird variation you can do with the word “fuck” (ie. fuckening, fucky)

▪ Weird jumbling of curse words that somewhat resemble something coherent (ie. mother fuck of a shit, shut the hell your mouth)

▪ Replacing a vowel in a word with another (ie. borger)