The Squazzington Post

News source, art zone, joke station, & sports jam-dingle. The Squazzington Post is all these things.

[thesquazzingtonpost]

I Betcha Can't Do It Like Me: A 23-year-old's Fantasy Wedding

    There is a stereotype out there that every little girl dreams of her wedding day. Well, I’ve never placed much faith in such things, but I’m about to start a new one that says every twenty something year old guy listening to trap music dreams of their own wedding day as well.  Of course, even if I had the money to pull this off, a nagging Jiminy Cricket would likely deter me, however I firmly believe that holding onto this vision will at least help me shoot for something.

For the purpose of this exercise, you need to imagine I have invited you to my wedding.  I’ve purchased your plane ticket months ago (remember, I’m filthy rich in this scenario), and your suitcase has been packed for days. Just as you’re finishing up a last-minute errand before the flight, you remember a small package that arrived with the invite, inlaid with my house sigil of a beautiful, ivory-inlaid Hungry Hungry Hippo feasting on a delightfully creamy yet crumbly Poptart. Inside the package you find a large, bright red fanny pack with thin black zippers, and mysterious instructions asking that you remember to pack it for the trip, giving no hint as to what it is for.  Afraid the traffic might cause a hold-up on the way to the airport, you wouldn’t waste time wondering what it could be for, and you quickly throw it haphazardly into your suitcase.  One hurried taxi ride and a mildly violating TSA pat-down later, you plop down into your seat, wipe the sweat from your brow, and stare out the window as the plane takes off for a remote island off of Costa Rica known by some as… Jurassic Park.

A close approximation of the author's family sigil. The Starks ain't got shit on them Hungry Hippos

A few hours later you land on the island and board a jeep, which takes you past the newly built velociraptor sanctuary towards the jungle bungalow you will be staying in. Stepping off the jeep, you are approached by a friendly R2D2 replica that comes with the keys to your suite and a complimentary craft beer. It leads you to your room which happens to be next to where the wedding DJ, Trapsquad, is already spinning out classics like “Saturday”, “Knuck If You Buck”, & “Virgin Mary Twerk”. On the mini-fridge is a note telling you to fill your fanny pack with the contents inside. A quick peek into the fridge reveals that it is stocked with all of your favorite craft beers.  There is a good chance you won’t make it back to your room tonight, so my bride and I have thoughtfully given you the means to gather provisions (craft beer) for your trip to the wedding ceremony itself.

The show itself starts at night, and although the ceremony is likely to include a combination of some of the Indian traditions from my ancestry and the traditions my future wife has, there will be some new additions of our own choosing.  First of all there, will be an elephant ride. I’ve personally never been to a wedding with one, but I’ve seen enough Bollywood movies to know that every wedding at one point must have had one of those.  As you board the elephant you’ll be offered a glass or two of bhang, the famous cannabis infused milkshake, and treated to the musical stylings of Trapsquad and other Atlanta-area rap groups.  I know what you’re thinking as you’re riding what looks to some of the island’s toothier residents like a 2-ton sandwich, but don’t worry, the elephants are best friends with the dinosaurs in this utopia.  When they’re not providing rides at a wedding, the elephants are usually off playing tag or hide and seek with the velociraptors and brachiosaurusesesi. The elephants will guide you deep into the forest where the ceremony begins.  Now I understand that I should describe the wonderful imagery of the actual ceremony, but I have no idea what that will be like because I don’t know what my future wife wants, so instead just know there’s probably going to be a bonfire of some sort.

A wedding guest enjoys a heart-stoppingly fun game of hide-and-seek with a few of the island's residents

Back to you though.  After witnessing the ceremony you begin to mingle with the other guests over a choice beer from your fanny pack. R2-D2 replicas are moving in between the crowds with alcohol, bhang, and all sorts of finger foods and ice cream. An announcement is made that two featured activities will be taking place for those who want to participate.  My wonderful (future) friend, Nick Offerman, or as some of you may know him, “Ron Swanson,” has graciously offered to host a toke-up session that includes him showcasing some of his many cooking talents (go take a look at r/trees, it’s a thing).  Afterwards the room will be used to host a live Startalk with Neil Degrasse Tyson, where you will discuss and learn the wonders of the universe.  Remember, this is after the session with Nick Offerman, so if you weren’t interested before, you will be now.  If, of course this isn’t your kind of thing, don’t worry, you can spend time mingling with other guests over food, craft beers from your fannypack, or other choice alcohols from the open bar, I suggest the Mewkow Cognac. Or, you can go outside and play with the friendly dinosaurs (don’t worry, we had you take at least two days off from work so you could hang out with them the day after.) 

I realize this wedding scenario is unlikely, but a man can still dream. I can dream that the world will be at a place where this sort of lavishness is not a problem. I can dream that humans and dinosaurs (and elephants) will co-exist. I can dream that you will get a friendly phone call from a friend during my wedding asking, in the immortal words of Trap Squad, “What’s Happenin’?” And I truly hope that your answer will be sufficient to finally bring peace to that poetic phrase.

[thesquazzingtonpost]

The Mediocrity Muddle: The Squazzington Post's EPL Preview Part Deux (#11-20)

Its been a crazy opening week to the Barclays Premier League season, and we're only partially sorry that this, the second part of a two-part season preview, is a week late. The first week really showed us more about the top-8 teams, whether its Arsenal being in a relegation fight, Tottenham finally selling Gareth Bale to Real Madrid for a reported £99 million, or Manchester City losing their captain and best player, Vincent Kompany, for a month, but the first week of the season also gave us a chance to get a good look at how the promoted teams, previous-season vagrants, and hopeful upstarts were going to be looking for next 37 horrifyingly unpredictable matches.

And so we bring you this, a vague, spittin's-distance prediction of where they'll end up come May, places 11-20 of the English Premier League. Spots 1-10 aren't easy to figure out, but damned if there's not always 6-7 teams that keep trading the same spots, whether its up to their money (Chelsea, Man City, Liverpool, Tottenham) or their long-term management (Man United, Arsenal, Everton). The bottom ten is a much more unpredictable place, and with the implications of relegation in the balance, a much more fun place to watch than say, the bottom of the American League West or the NBA's Southeast division. The £40M+ that comes to a club via Premier League survival, and what they lose if they are bad enough to get relegated, has no equivalent in the sporting world, and all the drama, anxiety, careful addition, and finally jubilation or despair is what makes this league one of the best in the world.

  11. West Ham United - 10th last season

Liverpool South FC, as they're known now, had a remarkably solid campaign last year in what was their return to the EPL. After being relegated by Avram Grant two seasons previous, former porn magnates David Gold & David Sullivan brought on “Big Sam” Allardyce, who was famed for the way his Bolton teams used to basically play punt-and-shoot. But he came in and pulled the club back via the Championship playoffs, and then managed to win enough home games last year to keep them up (they won just three away from Upton Park). More surprising perhaps than their mid-table finish last season was the sort of soccer they were playing. Allardyce had brought in players like Kevin Nolan for the Championship run, then poached guys like Mohamed Diame, Joe Cole, Matt Jarvis and Andy Carroll from their clubs, which allowed West Ham to play some pretty nice stuff, you know, on the ground where it was meant to be played.

Now the Hammers will be looking to solidify their status in the Premier League and maybe push for the European places, and they’ve brought in some more quality to try and get the job done. If they can win a few more games on the road this year, and if Andy Carroll & Steven Downing can justify their price tags (and give the finger to Liverpool in the process), the Hammers could be climbing further up the table.

 Key Arrivals: striker Andy Carroll (£18M, Liverpool), winger Stewart Downing (£7M, Liverpool), defender Razvan Rat (free, Shakhtar Donetsk)

Key Exits: striker Carlton Cole (released), defender Gary O’Neil (free, QPR) 

 Not a bad bit of business by West Ham. I mean, seriously

12. Fulham - 12th last season

This summer the Cottagers became the fifth Premier League team to be owned by an American when they were scooped up by Shahid Khan. The London club's fans will be hoping that the deal proves slightly better than the others, since Stan Kroenke has lorded over Arsenal's demise, John W. Henry knocked Liverpool off their own perch, Randy Lerner nearly penny-pinched Aston Villa into the Championship, and the Glazer brother made Man United more unlovable than they already were, and who thought that was possible? After one of the all-time “great escapes” from the relegation zone in 2008, Fulham have hung around mid-table respectability, and there’s not much reason to expect their ownership change to have a marked effect on that status. Though we said that for Blackburn Rovers when they were bought by the Indian chicken moguls of Venky’s a few years ago, and look at where they are now. In the Championship and broke. C’mon Mr. Khan, don’t screw this up for the rest of the Americans more than they have themselves.

On the field, Fulham might surprise some people this year after mostly being known for the extravagant Michael Jackson statue outside their stadium. Adel Taarabt and Darren Bent join on loan, and chances are the mercurial midfielder and the classic poacher will help Martin Jol find something the squad haven't had since Brian McBride retired; a consistent goal threat. At the very least they'll make it harder for Bryan Ruiz to get on the field regularly, and that's something we think all Fulham fans can get behind.

 Key Arrivals: forward Darren Bent (loan, Aston Villa), midfielder Adel Taarabt (loan, QPR), midfielder Scott Parker (Tottenham, undisclosed), goalie Maarten Stekelenburg (AS Roma)

Key Exits: Mark Schwarzer (free, Chelsea), defender Chris Baird (released), midfielder Simon Davies (released), forward Medlen Petric (released)

13. Norwich City - 11th last season

Sorry to all the Norwich City fans out there, but at least you’re not going to be as pissed off as all three of the American West Brom fans when we get further down. Its not going to be a relegations scrap for the Canaries this year, but the competition to stay even in the middle of the table is going to be fierce. Chris Hughton did an admirable job in charge last year after Paul Lambert left for the Aston Villa job, and the club will be itching for bigger and better things after two straight campaigns got them to mid-table safety without too much drama.

Move over Van Persie, Ricky Van Wolfswinkel's on the job, and already has a point-saving goal to his mouthful of a name

The Canaries have unlocked one of the secrets of long-term Premier League survival by making Carrow Road a dangerous place for teams to visit, and it’ll be even more so after the additions Hughton made to the squad this offseason. Ricky Van Wolfswinkel and Gary Hooper are serious upgrades to Grant Holt in attack, and adding youngsters like Redmond and Olsson will bring up the quality even more throughout the squad. Mid-table mediocrity isn’t what most fans across different sports would wish for, but for a club like Norwich in a league like this, its pretty damn alright.

Key Arrivals: striker Ricky van Wolfswinkel (Sporting Lisbon, £8M), forward Gary Hooper (Celtic, £5M), winger Nathan Redmond (Birmingham City, £3M), midfielder Martin Olsson (Blackburn Rovers, undisclosed), defender Javier Garrido (Lazio, undisclosed)

Key Exits: striker Grant Holt (Wigan, £2M)

14. Southampton - 14th last season

The Saints go marching on, in a way. Last season they rose to the Premier League all the way from League One after consecutive promotions, but Southampton struggled early to balance attacking with defense (conceded 24 goals in their first 8 games), and had an abysmal record away from home. After firing perpetual happy-man Nigel Adkins, the club brought on former Espanyol manager Manuel Pochettino and righted the ship just enough to finish just a few spots above the relegation places. This time round they’d like for it not to be quite so exciting in the wrong sort of way for too long, but the league around them is just going to keep on getting better and better. They play some nice, possession-based stuff under Pochettino (Adkins was a more counter-attacking man), and south-coasters claimed home victories against Manchester City, Liverpool, and Chelsea, true, but they also lost at home to all three of the relegation clubs from last year. Not taking points off the teams around you can be dangerous, so they’ll have to show a greater sense of urgency throughout the season.

Ricky Lambert knocked in 15 goals for Southampton and put himself on the radar of England manager Roy Hodgson last year. 

Southampton did some pretty nice business in the transfer window last summer when they brought on record transfer players like Jay Rodrigues and Gaston Ramirez. This summer they’ve splashed the cash again, bringing on Pochettino’s former Espanyol pupil Pablo Osvaldo from Roma, and defender Victor Wanyama from Celtic. The Saints are a club trying to get back to some sense of EPL stability after going through multiple relegations and administration a few years ago, and they’re making all the right moves. For better or for worse though, the Premier League is a crazy, dynamic competition where everyone is doing everything short of murder to stay at the billion-dollar poker table, so expect a less of a relegation scrap for the Saints, but not much progress up the table.

 Key Arrivals: striker Pablo Osvaldo (AS Roma, £15M), defender Viktor Wanyama (Celtic, £12M),

Key Exits: forward Jason Puncheon (loan, Crystal Palace)

  15. Sunderland - 17th last season

Home to the kookiest (and probably the most fascist) manager in the Premier League, the Wearside club of Sunderland suffered a tumultuous campaign last year, and it’s hard to see how the drama will dissipate easily. Winning would be one way for the Italian Paolo Di Canio to distinguish himself from the man he replaced, Martin O’Neill, but just like he used to do for West Ham as a player, Di Canio brings one part pedigree, two parts crazy to the job. When he wasn’t going through the most absurd celebration routines every time his team scored last year, he was ripping them up and down and throwing their guts against the walls in post-match press conferences.

The Black Cats have been in turmoil for about three years running now, and having a verified kook running things rarely helps smooth things out, but some part of you has to wonder if Di Canio’s temper-tantrum style of management might just work with a bunch of guys who’re at the club BECAUSE of him. I mean, they really cleaned house this summer and brought in what looks to be a hard-working bunch that will either buy into his methods and but club (and city) first and foremost, or rebel and cause a fracas that could doom a club that has had its share of drama over the last few years. We’re banking that its the former (for now, crazy people tend to wear players out), mainly on the basis of our faith in Jozy Altidore finally showing Europe that he’s “got it”, and pint-sized dynamo Emanuele Giaccherini’s performances with Italy at the Confed Cup this summer (looks like a good signing for the EPL).

 Key Arrivals: striker JOZY “FIRST-TOUCH HAT-TRICK KING” ALTIDORE (£9M, AZ Alkmaar), midfielder Emanuele Giaccherini (£7M, Juventus), goalie Vito Mannone (undisclosed, Arsenal)

Key Exits: Anyone with a drinking habit. The list is long.

16. West Bromwich Albion - 8th last season

Albion got off to a roaring start last year, making a push for European places before they slowed down considerably in the second half of the season. Still, eighth place was a great achievement for the club that used to drop in and out of the Premier League with astonishing regularity, and was a even better achievement for first-time head coach and long-time Liverpool assistant Steve Clarke. Let’s hope for his sake that the fans at the Hawthorns don’t get too restless when that sort of success isn’t replicated this time out.

Albion lost 17-goal man Romelu Lukaku when he returned to Chelsea this summer after an excellent loan spell in the Midlands, and it’s more than a little bit difficult to just go out and find a replacement for a player like that. And with striker Peter Odemwingie still making googly eyes at bigger clubs in the Prem, club vets like Chris Brunt and Jonas Olsson are going to have to perform at an even higher level than they did previously if the team is to survive.

With the teams around them like Norwich and Southampton splashing cash to ensure their Premier League survival, West Brom seem to have taken a relative step back by not taking a step forward. Diego Lugano and Nicolas Anelka are both proven performers at the top levels of international soccer, but one has to wonder how much they have left in the tank if a small club like Albion was able to get them for free. Clarke showed that he has the chops to be a top-level manager in his first shot at the big time last season, but the stasis that the squad finds itself in could be dangerous.

Key Arrivals: defender Diego Lugano (free, Paris St. Germain), striker Nicolas Anelka (free, Shanghai Shenhua), wing-back Scott Sinclair (loan, Manchester City)

Key Exits: Romelu Lukaku (returned from loan)

17. Cardiff City - 1st in Championship (2nd division) last season

The Welsh club with Malaysian owners will have a tougher go of it in their return to the top flight than their neighbors Swansea did two years ago, and you can once again chalk it up to just how tough this league is on teams. It’ll be good to see Welsh bad-boy Craig Bellamy back in the Prem, but by our estimation, Cardiff stand just a good of a chance of getting relegated as either of the other two newly-promoted teams. They ran away with the Championship last season on the strength of their defense, but time and time again we’ve seen teams shred through second division-rated defenses with you know, the Van Persies and Suarezs of the world. But they still have some quality throughout the team, and are also are led by a remarkably competent and low-key manager, Malky MacKay, so their chances of firing their man halfway through the season (ALWAYS a bad sign) are pretty low.

They’ve brought some real international quality into the squad with guys like Guy Medel, Steven Caulker and Andrea Cornelius, and that just might be the difference between them and 18th place when May rolls around. All we can say is, its going to be exciting at the top, the middle, and the bottom. And that’s what makes this sport as great as it is.

Key Arrivals: forward Guy Medel (Sevilla, £11M), striker Andreas Cornelius (FC Copenhagen, £8M), defender Steven Caulker (Tottenham, £8M), defender John Brayford (Derby County, £1.5M)

Key Exits: none of note

18. Newcastle - 16th last season

Why Newcastle, a once-proud club with a still-proud fanbase, for the relegation drop the second time in four years you say? Since predicting things in the Premier League is such a crap-shoot anyways, especially in the morass at the bottom, there's two big thing to consider: is the club floating at a dangerous stasis (and lost their first game 4-0), and are they apt for a mid-season explosion that’ll probably end up with noted hot-head Joe Kinnear as their manager? Ah, and in the case of Newcastle, the answer is yes. The Tyneside club made an excellent return to the big stage in 2011 when they brought on Pardew and a virtual boatload of Frenchmen to the team, which resulted in near-Champions League qualification in their first season back. The Magpies then slogged through a brutal campaign in 2012/13 that saw them play in qualifiers, the groups stages, and the knockout round of the Europa League as well as get knocked around quite often in the EPL once injuries started to take their toll and top-scorer Demba Ba was sold to Chelsea in January.

They've brought on only a couple of players over the summer after splashing big in January, but after last seasons near-disaster relegation battle the club is in a bad spot management-wise. The aforementioned Kinnear was brought on as the club's director of football, which means the Magpies will have three insanely conceited gentlemen trying to run things: owner and noted beer guzzler Mike Ashley, the kooky Kinnear just below him, and of course the irrepressible Alan Pardew coaching the team. At some point during the season, its either the Di Canio situation at Sunderland or this mess that is liable to go off and ruin the team’s chances of survival. And because I think it’d be a near-disaster for America’s no. 9 (Jozy Altidore) to get relegated for the second time in two trips to the Premier League right before the World Cup, I’m going with Newcastle.

Key Arrivals: midfielder Loic Remy (QPR, loan)

Key Exits: wing-back James Perch (Wigan, undisclosed), goalie Steve Harper (released)

Ashley, Pardew, & Kinnear, the perfect storm at Newcastle

  19. Hull City - 2nd in Championship last season

The rollie-polliest manager in England returns to the Premier League, and Steve Bruce brought Hull City along with him. Last time they were in the first division, the Tigers were most well known in the States as the club of Jozy Altidore, and most well known everywhere else as the club of egomaniac-supreme (& terrible singer) Phil Brown. Both of those unqualified disasters have moved on to other teams, but the fans at the KC Stadium will be hoping this squad can wash some of the stink off of what was their last foray in the EPL. Bruce has had a smattering of success at some of the Prem’s smaller clubs, but has earned a sort of mercenary reputation that hasn’t worn off since he managed five different clubs between 1999 and 2001 in his early days. Premier League success at Birmingham City and Wigan was tempered by near disaster at Sunderland, but he did bring Hull through promotion in his first year on the job, so it’s not going to be all down to him if they fail to stay up necessarily.

The problem that all three promoted clubs usually struggle with in their first seasons is the gulf in class and pace of the game that separates the English Championship from the top flight league. As they proved at Chelsea last Sunday (Cardiff & Palace did the same as well in defeats), Hull are going have the very same problems after having too many loose touches to compete and looking a half-step too slow. In fact, all three of the promoted clubs managed a paltry 6 shots on target between them in their opening weekend matches, which illustrates the point quite nicely. It’s rare for all three promoted clubs to go down, but if one of the established clubs doesn’t have the melt-down we’re expecting, the competitive nature of the league might just shake it out that way, with Hull being the second most-likely to make the drop.

Key Arrivals: midfielder Tom Huddlestone (£6M, Tottenham), Curtis Davies (£2M, Birmingham City), striker Danny Graham (loan, Sunderland), midfielder Jake Livermore (loan, Tottenham), midfielder Ahmed Elmohamady (undisclosed, Sunderland), defender Maynor Figueroa (free, Wigan), goalie Alan McGregor goalie Steve Harper (free, Newcastle)

Key Exits: striker Jay Simpson (released), midfielder Seyi Olofinjana (released)

20. Crystal Palace - 5th, Won Championship playoffs last season

First off, if you don't know about Crystal Palace's gregarious manager, Ian Holloway, go google him. No seriously, here's a start (slightly nsfw). Ok, and welcome back. Holloway was last in the Premier League with another scrappy playoff-winner, Blackpool, just three years ago, and he’ll be hoping that he can keep Palace up for more than the one season that the Seasiders lasted. The Crystal Palace fans will be hoping the same, since this is the fourth time that their team has been promoted to the EPL since 1992, and they haven’t avoided the drop once. They rose to the first division from the ashes of administration (basically Chapter-11 for sports teams), and will have one of the smallest budgets in the league, which can be a huge problem when jumping between the hurly-burly of the Championship and the international quality of the EPL. The team lost its clear-cut best player when teenager Wilfried Zaha earned a transfer to Manchester United last January, but he at least stayed on and helped the Eagles secure promotion. The also lost their top scorer from a season ago when Glenn Murray tore a knee ligament at the playoff semi-final in May. Now the squad will depend on a man who won the league’s golden boot 14 years ago (40-year old Kevin Phillips), a young striker who hasn’t played above the Championship before (club-record signing Dwight Gayle), and a smattering of other clubs’ cast-offs (Marouane Chamakh, Jason Puncheon, et. al.).

So what does this all mean? Well, it means its going to be a long campaign for the fans who pack tiny Selhurst Park every weekend, and that its unlikely that they can break their streak of four seasons of EPL promotion being followed by immediate relegation. Palace started the season with a tough test at home against Tottenham, albeit without Gareth Bale, and could have lost 5-0, or gotten a draw and a point from what turned out to be a 1-0 loss. They looked half a step slow and about 5 pounds too light for the big boy league when they were on the ball, but their backline played very tight and prevented the scoreline from emphasizing their problems. Holloway needs to bring on another quality midfielder and perhaps another defender if Palace are going to stand any chance over the season’s long haul, but they are guaranteed to play with plenty of spunk and panache as long as the dancingest man in the Premier League is in charge.

Key Arrivals: forward Dwight Gayle (£4M, Peterborough United), midfielder Jerome Thomas (free, West Brom), striker Marouane Chamakh (loan, Arsenal), midfielder Joseph Campana (£2M, Sevilla), forward Jason Puncheon (Southampton, loan)

Key Exits: winger Wilfried Zaha (£12M, Manchester United), forward Glenn Murray (cruciate ligament injury)

[thesquazzingtonpost]

The Squazzington Post 2013 Premier League Preview (The Top 10)

Are you ready for some fooooooooootbbaaaalllllll? Just a few short months after the last season wrapped up, the greatest soap opera in sports returns tomorrow in all its glory, with all of its prima donna players who like to score, dive, and even bite opponents, their autocratic managers, their clubs’ schizophrenic owners, and of course the rabid fans who fuel it all. There’s excitement from top to bottom, with battles for first place, battles for the European tournament spots (generally 1-6), and of course the battle to avoid relegation. The English Premier League is the world’s most watched soccer league from year-to-year, and who can blame all the folks who have gotten hooked? Whether you like soccer for the beautiful game that it is or you just enjoy having another excuse to yell rude things at Europeans, you’re probably just as geeked for this season as we are, because storylines abound. And where storylines go, so does great sport.

Who will step into the void now that Sir Alex Ferguson’s vice-grip on the Premier League is over? Will big stars stick with clubs who can’t deliver Champions League football (and lots more global brand recognition as a result)? Will managers Jose Mourinho, Manuel Pellegrini, David Moyes, Roberto Martinez, Mark Hughes, or somewhat-noted fascist Paolo Di Canio make a lasting impact at their new clubs, or ruin their reputations? Will America-on-Trent (sorry, thats a terrible Stoke City joke) emerge as a surprise darling the year before the U.S. comes out and wins the World Cup in 2014? Only 38 games between tomorrow and May will tell, and we’ll be enjoying every minute of it.

1. Manchester City - 2nd last season

A year after they won their first league title since 1974 on the last day of the season in spectacular fashion (no really, watch this), City made a pretty lame defense of the title last term, falling pretty much out of reach of Man United by March. Italian manager and chronic scarf-wearer Roberto Mancini was given the sack, and the Chilean Manuel “The Engineer” Pellegrini was brought in from Spain. City have conducted pretty tidy business in the transfer period, bringing on four quality players to make up for the loss of Carlos Tevez, Mario Balotelli last January, and continued employment of the artist formerly known as Samir Nasri.

Mancini was much-maligned for his defensive style and tactical inflexibility, so Pellegrini is going to be expected to win AND play good-looking stuff, as well as improve on Mancini's dismal record in the Champions League. It's a tall order, but the domestic title race is going to be very open as last year's top four clubs roll out with three new managers. City have been a sieve at the back during preseason friendlies and I would rather not see much more of the lumbering Joleon Lescott this season, so they could probably do with another center-back, but City clearly have the talent and pedigree to make it two titles in three years.

Key Arrivals: head coach Manuel Pellegrini (hired from Malaga), striker Stevan Jovetic (£25M, Fiorentina), striker Alvaro Negredo (£20M, Sevilla), midfielders Jesus Navas (£20M, Sevilla), and Fernandinho (£30M, Shakhtar Donetsk)

Key Exits: head coach Roberto Mancini (fired (thank ye’ Jesus)), striker Carlos Tevez (£10M, Juventus), defender Kolo Toure (free, Liverpool)

We can't wait for this man's to return to England. 'Nough said

2. Chelsea - 3rd last season

He’s baaaaaaaack... “The Special One”, the man who left in a huff from his last three clubs (all kicked off when he and Chelsea owner Roman Abramovich, well, kicked off in the fall of 2007 last time he was in England), but also won 14 trophies at those three clubs. What can be said about Mourinho that hasn’t already been? He’s a brilliant winner of trophies, a bit cantankerous, a lot of an asshole, and has a record of leaving clubs in total disarray (see Inter Milan circa 2011). Chelsea meanwhile have won a Champions League and finally scratched Abramovich’s biggest itch, but they haven’t topped the league for three years now, so you can imagine that that was prioritized.

The squad he inherits looks like its going to be largely the same as last year, plus the return of loanee Romelu Lukaku, who bagged 17 goals for West Brom last year. So what’s he going to do with it that’ll return radically better results than any of the eight managers who’ve held the job since the last time he was in England?  Beyond putting an electro-shock collar on Fernando Torres and telling John Terry to get his hands off of everyone else’s wives, we don’t care to speculate (that sort of thing can get you in trouble don’t you know), but you can bet that he’s going to add a lot of narrative spice to the season, especially now that Fergie, the master of the pre-match mind games and raging post-match interviews, is gone from the game.

Key Arrivals: head coach Jose Mourinho (fired by Real Madrid), goalie Mark Schwarzer (free, Fulham), midfielder Marco Van Ginkel (£8M, Vitesse), forward Andre Schurrle (£20M, Bayer Leverkusen)

Key Exits: head coach Rafa Benitez, midfielder Marko Marin (loan, Sevilla)

3. Manchester United - 1st last season

What can be and has been said about the departure of legendary manager Sir Alex Ferguson this space doesn’t have time for (that’s some fourth dimension shit for all the nerds out there), but was covered in the Post previously. We gotchu buddy. The Red Devils will be lead for the first time in 25 years not by a fiery despot of a man from Glasgow who likes to yell... wait, check that, they will be. David Moyes and his particular brand of, shall we say exuberant, managing. Its tough to think that this particular squad of players, and we mainly mean Robin Van Persie, would slip out of the Champions League places, but in a season where the top of the table is only going to get more congested, United might just take the fall.

Their number one problem right now is recruitment, and that thay still might lose out on their walking hair-plug, since Chelsea's Mourinho has not yet ruled out a last-ditch move for Wayne Rooney. There's also been a noticeable lack of quality coming in, and after a move for Barca's Cesc Fabregas fell through, they've apparently shifted their focus towards poaching one of Real Madrid's midfield maestros, Mesut Ozil and Luka Modric. Moyes has got big shoes to fill in the dressing room, and last season was a mathematical abberation in that Van Persie went all year without missing a sizeable amount of time due to injury. If the talismanic striker goes down, Michael Carrick continue to be "the answer" to their problems in the middle of the park and Vidic and Ferdinand continue to get hurt, United could miss out on the Champions League for the first time ever. And I'd love it.

Key Arrivals: Wilfried Zaha (10M, Crystal Palace)

Key Exits: head coach Alex Ferguson (retired, THANK GOD), midfielder Paul Scholes (retired, again),

4. Tottenham Hotspur - 5th last season

If you thought the drama surrounding Luis Suarez's move to greener pastures, then the Gareth Bale saga is sure to give you a headache. Real Madrid are rumored to be considering a £100M swoop for the leggy Welsh midfielder, but Spurs' front office seems determined to keep him, and with good reason. With Bale theoretically in the fold for the season, this is another team that could make a title challenge, especially since breaking the club record transfer fee twice in one summer to bring on Paulinho, who looked great at this summers Confed Cup for Brazil, and Roberto Soldado, a 24-goal scorer last term in Spain's La Liga. Losing Bale could push them out of the top-six if the replacements don't pan out (he's that good), but manager Andre Villas Boas had Spurs performing at a pretty high level last year before their inevitable April swoon. Like their bitter North London rivals Arsenal, Spurs' season may hinge in their ability to get their man, or keep him in this case, but the safe bet will probably see them squeak into the Champions League via 4th place, which might just keep Bale around for ANOTHER season of transfer speculation.

Key Arrivals: midfielder Paulinho (£20M, Corinthians), striker Roberto Soldado (£26M, Valencia), defender Etienne Capoue (£10M, Saint-Etienne)

Key Exits: World-MVP striker Clint Dempsey (£6M, Seattle Sounders), defender Steven Caulker (£8M, Cardiff City), midfielder Tom Huddlestone (£6M, Hull City), midfielder Jake Livermore (loan, Hull City)

5. Arsenal - 4th last season

Oh, Arsenal. After eight years without any silverware and embracing fourth place like it was the World Cup itself (manager Arsene Wenger infamously called 4th “as good as a trophy”), The Gunners finally looked like they were going to be playing with the big boys in the summer transfer market, thanks to a ‘massive war chest’ the higher-ups at the Emirates Stadium kept referencing. Well here we sit in August, and the only moves that Arsenal have made have been to remind us just how bad they are in the transfer market (take a look at the names they let go this summer, all were ‘significant’ signings within the last four years that flamed out spectacularly).

They flirted with bringing on a title-making player a few weeks ago, placing a £40,000,001 bid for Liverpool’s vampire striker Luis Suarez in an effort to trigger his contract’s reported £40M release clause. There’s now been a back-and-forth between Suarez and Liverpool (and a great tweet from Liverpool/Red Sox/Boston Herald owner John W. Henry), but at the end of the day, at least for today, Arsenal don’t yet have their man. And if you don’t believe Suarez could be the difference between 4th and championship, keep an eye on Liverpool if they do sell him, because they’ll be in a real mess of trouble. Arsenal also struck out on Real Madrid striker Gonzalo Higuain earlier in the summer, and a purported move for Bayern’s Luis Gustavo might get hijacked by Wolfsburg.

The rest of the returning squad boasts a (hopefully) healthy Theo Walcott, Jack Wilshere, the promising Nacho Monreal & Alex Oxlade-Chamberlain, and the owner of the best name in soccer, Polish goalie Wojciech Szczesny. If Wenger can add at least one world-class player and a few more able squad players to make it through the season slog, they could make a push for the title just like everyone else in the top 5. But if they don’t, 4th place is going to feel like a trophy once again. And that’s just sad at this point.

Key Arrivals: forward Yaya Sanogo (free, Auxerre)

Key Exits: defender Sebastien Squillaci (free, Bastia), wing-back Andre Santos (undisclosed, Flamengo), forward Gervinho (£8M, AS Roma), forward Andrei Arshavin (free, Zenit. St. Petersburg), striker Marouane Chamakh (loan, Crystal Palace), midfielder Denilson (free, Sao Paulo), goalie Vito Mannone (undisclosed, Sunderland)

6. Liverpool - 7th last season

Ahhhhh, Liverpool. In 2008 they were making a title challenge, Fernando Torres was banging in the goals, former coach Rafa Benitez hadn’t yet lost his noodle, and Lil’ Wayne still resembled a human being (and was on top of the charts with “Lollipop”). Yeah, that was awhile ago now. Since just barely finishing second then, the best English team of the 20th century has burned through two head coaches and hasn’t finished above 6th place. Now in year two on the job, manager Brendan Rodgers is still trying to find a balance on his squad after seeing one player knock in a third of their league goals last season, especially since that player, Luis Suarez, is still apparently wanting to go to another team that managed to qualify for the Champions League places.

The Suarez drama has been off-and-on, and now id apparently completely off, but as many teams have learned over the years, keeping hold of an unhappy player (especially one who's bat-shit bonkers) can be suicide for a club. Suarez's young strike partners Coutinho and Daniel Sturridge showed enough promise in the second half last year, but the team still lost a couple of first teamers this summer in payroll-trimming moves, and if they lose another in Suarez, sixth or seventh might be this team's ceiling.

Key Arrivals: Simon Mignolet (£9M, Sunderland),

Ket Exits: Jonjo Shelvey (£5M, Swansea City), Pepe Reina (loan, ),

In the words of "Shaun of the Dead": "They were a bit bitey..."

7. Everton - 6th last season

The team that's defined success on a shoestring over the last ten years said adieu to their longtime manager David Moyes when he left for United this summer, and the Goodison Park faithful were justifiably nervous about who would be running the club next. They brought in another man who knows how to make do with tight finances, Roberto Martinez from Wigan, but his track record is a little more mixed than some might like. Wigan became the first team ever in England to win the FA Cup and get relegated in the same season, a trick they pulled off last year under Martinez.

"Spanish Bob", as Martinez is known, was a tactical innovator last year in England when Wigan played three defenders and two wing-backs most of the time a la some Spanish teams, but they let in an ungodly number of goals. Everton fans are hoping that Tim Howard and an experienced defense can mitigate any problems that might arise through too much tinkering, but the danger's there. I like Martinez and the scrappy way that Everton have competed for years in this league, so its hard to say they look like they're in trouble.

Key Arrivals: forward Gerard Deulofeu (loan, FC Barcelona), forward Arouna Kone (£6M, Wigan), defender Antolin Alcaraz (free, Wigan), some schmuck goalie who’ll just back-up All-American back-stop Tim Howard (Joel Robles, £3M, Atletico Madrid via Wigan)

Key Exits: surprisingly, none.

8. Swansea City - 10th last season

Before the start of last year the Welsh club lost their manager, Brendan Rodgers, and their best player, Scott Sinclair, to poaching from richer teams, so expectations after their debut 2011 season in the Premier League were slightly tempered. Dutch coach Michael Laudrup showed up from Spain, brought in a gangly Spanish striker named Michu literally for peanuts, and the rest of the team turned out in a big way, taking 9th place and won the club’s first piece of major silverware when they beat Bradford City in the League Cup final. Laudrup did what few thought he could do when he improved on the club’s Premier League debut, and he might just do it again.

A solid defense led by defender Ashley Williams and goalie Michel Vorm allows Swansea to turn loose players like Nathan Dyer and Michu on the counter-attack, but the Swans still retain some of the better passing football tendencies that Roberto Martinez and Brendan Rodgers brought to the club in their recent tenures. As long as the Europa Cup schedule doesn’t kill them like it did to Newcastle last year, and if Michu isn’t pried away at the last moment by an absurd offer from Arsenal or some other club desperate to make a splash, like Arsenal, then there’s no reason to expect a major fall-off for Swansea City.

Key Arrivals: striker Wilfried Bony (£10M, Vitesse), forward/midfielder Jonjo Shelvey (£5M, Liverpool), defender Jordi Amat (£2.5M, Espanyol)

Key Exits: none of note

Michu - mostly gangles, but still puts the goals away

9. Aston Villa - 15th last season

Things are actually looking up for the Villans a year after letting a lot of new, young blood into the squad, and letting a lot of goals as a result of it from time to time (like last Christmas, when they lost three straight EPL matches by a combined score of 15-0. And lost to League One Bradford City easily). Bruising Belgian striker Christian Benteke turned out to be the third best signing of last summer’s transfer window (Van Persie & Michu taking tops), and his combination of athleticism and technique would indicate a sophomore slump is not in the cards. American goalie Brad Guzan was the second-best player on the team last year after the 19-goalscorer, and will be pressing Tim Howard hard for the No. 1 jersey at next year’s World Cup for the USA. The combination of these two and the rest of the young team finally getting its shit together at the very last moment saved them from the relegation drop last year, but teams that flirt with relegation list Villa have for two years running generally don’t bounce back with any great... well, bounce.

Trusting in youth can be a perilous philosophy for a team trying to stay in the most lucrative soccer league in England, but Villa just about managed it over the course of two nail-biting seasons. The squad looked like it had really turned the corner near the end of last season, and if Benteke can replicate his first-year form & the backline doesn’t let in eight goals from time to time then it’s reasonable to expect Villa to get up the table back to where they were used to being just a few years ago.

Key Arrivals: defender Jores Okore (£4M, FC Nordsjaelland)

Key Exits: striker Darren Bent (Loan, Fulham), defender Eric Lichaj (free, Birmingham City), defender Richard Dunne (free, Birmingham City), midfielder Stiliyan Petrov (retired)

10. Stoke City - 13th last season

AKA Team America. Young striker Juan Agudelo will join Brek Shea and Geoff Cameron on the squad in January, and the three of them could be big parts of this team if they work hard and do the right things. The Potters still have some big names in the team, like Peter Crouch, but Stoke have long prided themselves on the workmanlike demeanor of their teams. They looked in danger of relegation last season before pulling it out at the end, but a change in manager might be just the thing this team needs to put themselves back in the top-10.

During Tony Pulis’ recently ended tenure with the Potters, Stoke City were famous for long throw ins, kicking their opponents almost as often as the ball, and a boisterous fortress of a home stadium, the Britannia. After a few seasons in the top-flight and one European run thanks to an FA Cup Final appearance, mid-table mediocrity apparently doesn’t cut it anymore though, and Pulis was given the sack this summer in favor of Mark Hughes.

Hughes had a very unimpressive last season with Queens Park Rangers, and was fired halfway through the campaign in which they dropped out of the Premier League after splurging huge amounts of cash to ensure survival. He's got a pretty solid record at middling clubs trying to remain respectable (with Blackburn and Fulham), but the recruitment record at big spenders like Man City and QPR makes us hope that someone else is cutting the transfer checks for Stoke.

Key Arrivals: forward Juan Agudelo (free, NY Red Bulls), defender Erik Pieters (£3M, PSV Eindhoven)

Key Exits: defender Matthew Upson (free, Brighton & Hove Albion)

[thesquazzingtonpost]

Turner Field: Through the Eyes of a Dotty Half Adult

After a fifteen year hiatus, I finally returned to the hallowed grounds of Turner Field, named after the illustrious media tycoon responsible for one of the greatest television cartoons of the 1990s (Captain Planet). Ok, so hallowed may be too generous a word if you’re comparing major league stadiums, but unlike my esteemed colleagues here at the Squazzington Post, I don’t actually know much about this wonderful national pastime, so I’m going to assume the field is steeped with enough history to warrant a somewhat fancy word.  Regardless, what is important is that I finally experienced baseball through the mature eyes of an adult; a grown individual ready to participate in the spectacle of a great American tradition as opposed to a child, who only really saw the game as a necessary chore that came with acquiring the free Wrinkles Beanie Baby.

Speaking of such--the first thing I noticed was that there were no free Beanie Babies.  This did not bode well for my pre-game gusto, but I resolutely staved off the shock that I would have to settle for a game program, and made my way to the upper pavilion of the stadium. For most humans, this might be an easy task, but for a mildly out of shape adult (who has a history of severe leg cramps) that had just been forced to endure a leg workout earlier in the day by overzealous gym rat type friends, waddling up the countless pavillion stairs was close to physical torture. Full disclosure: I probably spent more time chewing on assorted fruit candies than working out while I was at the gym, so I was more likely sore from not sitting for eight hours straight. Soon enough, I reached my seat in a surprisingly crowded section, just in time to witness Freddie Freeman of the Atlanta Braves hit a homerun! As the energy from the raucous cheering coursed through the stadium, I knew my arrival at just this moment had to signify a good omen. After settling into my strangely irksome plastic blue seat, I began to listen to the young men in front of me relive past games in which they had witnessed "the greatness that is Fredward Freeman." I learned he is considered the most stalwart bat amongst a hitting lineup composed of streaky hitters, but since I can’t think of a medieval war simile for him in this situation, you can ignore this piece of useless information.  This article isn’t about actual baseball, it’s a recording of my experience.

Midway through the second inning, I received a raven (text message) from my friend that he had taken up a post with his companions behind the first base foul pole. I looked down at the field and after discerning which base was first, my eyes followed a line extending past the running path towards a tall, thin yellow tower, which I can only assume was at one point the mast of an unfortunately skinny passenger liner that sailed the Atlantic.  Why they decided to paint it yellow rather than revive it to its former glory is beyond me, especially since the restoration could only add to the so-called esteemed history I imagine some may claim for Turner Field. The section where my friend was situated appeared to be bathed in the shining sunlight of the evening across a sea of the blue plastic seats. No amount of yoga could prepare one for this journey, yet I grudgingly began my trek in spite of the obstacles in my path. You see, this complicated task was made all the more perilous due to the fact that I had forgotten my handkerchief. I knew I would have to face the embarrassment of a heavily glistened forehead during my introductions to my friend’s companions due to the light rays that sun frenched my skin rather than sun kissed it. When I say sun frenched, I mean the light was like a wildly violating tongue of fire on my skin, so much so that it felt as though I was back in India. I made sure I was high enough among the seats to avoid the watchful stares of the redshirts (ushers), just in case they chose to send me back to my seat. Fortunately after a few minutes of stealthy evasion, I found my friend. I plopped down in my seat after carefully mopping my brow with my undershirt out of their sight, ready to continue watching the game in welcome company.

See info-graphic for reference 

I learned some of the nuances of the game from these seasoned baseball fans, such as the rank and position of the defense, and how the batting order was decided.  In addition to this wealth of information I gained, I made a few observations of my own that I believe only enriched my appreciation for the game.  Firstly, the pitcher (the guy who throws the ball) appeared to revolve his head more often than most people do, to keep an eye on his opponents on base.  I believe it would be fair of me to deduce that he developed this skill after years of training, based off the movements of owls swiveling their heads to gain a bearing on their surroundings. I also learned that music, both patriotic and of the wonderful late 20th and 21st century persuasion, had the ability to make the crowd rise into unashamed and uncoordinated undulations (sometimes even with young’uns who might be better off not emulating the older ones as much as they seemed to). This massive influence was perhaps my most valuable note, as I believe it speaks to the impressive power this wonderful pastime holds for its fans. In all seriousness, the experience was very relaxing and surprisingly lacked the stress I find myself feeling with most sports, which was likely due to a combination of the speed of the game and the fact that the Braves won handily. I even ate a jumbo hot-dog to top off this All-American experience. Although I can’t say I paid too much attention to the game since I kept finding distractions between attempting to spot the scattered members of the church group who had chosen to wear neon green shirts, conversing with my companions, and daydreaming (SEE “A Recurring Day Dream; or how the Squazz Post Won the Nobel Prize”), I can say that I enjoyed myself and would not be opposed to returning to the hallowed grounds of Turner Field.

[thesquazzingtonpost]

A Recurring Daydream; Or How the Squazz Post Won the Nobel Prize

    Perhaps out of sheer boredom or maybe out of a misplaced sense of self-purpose, I’ve decided to write a small snippet about myself. Many of you have likely experienced the phenomenon people call “daydreaming,” where you become detached from your immediate surroundings and find yourself in a new reality. Whether it is as simple as you showering one day and finally coming up with the perfect retort to a quip aimed at you a week ago, or finding yourself in a completely new world compromised of ice cream and lollies, all of them can be wonderfully distracting.  As I’ve grown older, I’ve found my own daydreams have become strangely stronger and more gripping, some reappearing at specific times such as chemistry class or work, taking me on adventures for what feels like hours at a time.  I’m sure I should have informed some behavioral doctor of this at one point so I could pay attention in class, but then time spent filling my mind with silly fluff would be spent… well I guess learning arguably more useful fluff. But silly fluff is more fun, so here is one of the few recurring daydreams I have.

    Imagine a beach, with pleasantly hot sand grains sticking under your curling toes and the sound of a gentle lapping against the shore by the ocean waves. Ok got it? Just kidding, I’m terrified of the ocean. I’d be more likely to think of tsunami waves crashing onto the street I live on and tearing apart the imaginary flying gondola-motorcycle I’ve just finished building in my garage. No, no the daydream I speak of is likely similar in some respects to one many of you have had. You know, when your head gently bobs every thirty seconds as you struggle to feign an attentive stare at the professor you could swear is actually trying to put you to sleep.  This usually happens for me in the first twenty or so minutes of class, and before I know it I can’t tell whether or not I’m awake or asleep anymore. The primary sign for me is usually when my eyes start to follow any of the random bugs (usually spiders) scuttling across the tiled floors of the auditorium.  If I’m lucky I can keep an eye on it crawling all the way out into the dark hallway where other students sometimes sit, waiting for the next class.  By now, the ball is rolling, and my mind is forever gone from the class period.

    Knowing the normal behavior patterns of these particular spiders, I am sure it went to call someone in.  Soon enough I hear a soft clicking sound, no doubt the visitor. As the solitary clicking grows louder, more clicks begin to join them.  At this point, the class seems to be in a state of hushed silence and I pay rapt attention to the door when I see a sharp clawed toe hit the floor with one last soft click. It’s a small brownish and scaly foot, about the size of my own shoe. A little scared, but curious at this point I crane my neck to the left to get a better look into the hallway to find a group of creatures huddled together. Although the scales are muddy-colored, they glint in the dim lighting of the hallway. They appear to be on the short side, but have long arms ending with a few talons on each hand. What is most remarkable about these beings however is that whenever one opens its mouth to reveal what looks like endless rows of sharp teeth, they seem to be smiling. Of course I’m aware this isn’t real, sort of like a lucid day-dream, but I can’t help but feel my pulse quicken a little.  

    The chemistry professor, oblivious to all of the noise, has no idea what’s about to come.  I quickly bend down to take out the super soaker style gun that can shoot nets, flames, glass, or water (depending on which flamboyantly colored button I choose to press), and yell for my classmates and professor to head for the backdoors. The tiny dinosaur type creatures scuttle forward, chomping the air in front of them as the students panic and begin pushing and shoving each other as they flee up the stairs out the back.  I know I’m our only hope, so I jump over the row of seats in front of me in the opposite direction of the ensuing mob scene and press the flame button. Just as I’m about to pull the trigger however I notice there are still students struggling to get up from the very front rows, tripping as they reach for their backpacks and run towards the stairs. As I yell towards one to leave her stuff, one of the creatures bites at her foot and latches on. Afraid that I might accidentally light her on fire, I quickly change the settings to nets and shoot the black, stringy mass straight at the creature. It stuns him for a few seconds before he chomps out of it, but it was just enough time for her to clamber up two rows out of his reach. I curse myself for not thinking to shoot glass shards at his eyes to blind him, but I cannot dwell on it now while there are still students in trouble.  

Noted dream interpreter and excellent pose-striker Sigmund Freud doesn't know quite what to make of this particular dream, but he's intrigued nonetheless.

I switch the setting to glass and shoot to seal the front door with a thick pane to stop anymore creatures from coming in.  After most of the students have gotten out of the front and the creatures have begun their ascent up the steps, I change to the flame setting and shoot at a few seats to create a small fire barricade to buy the people more time. It seems to catch the creatures by surprise and they falter back for a small moment.  I reach for the hand of a cute girl with jet-black hair and hazel eyes and pull her up beside me, yelling at her to take the stairs on the left since there seems to be less pushing towards the doors. I secretly want her to ensure her survival a little more than the others so I can ask her out on a date if I live (I don’t claim to be a morally sound hero or anything).  

Suddenly an idea strikes me.  Just as the last students are behind me I begin to fashion a massive glass pane in front of me. It will take me a bit, but the creatures will only target me now since I’m by far the closest to any of them. As they begin to hop towards me, biting at the air, I press on the trigger harder, getting my free arm ready for any that get too near.  I aim a punch at one that finds itself a foot away, but it hops skillfully out of the way and then back towards me. I lift my leg into a sidekick but its front teeth sink into my calf, sending searing pain up my leg. Only a few of the creatures have been able to hop over the slowly rising glass pane, and are heading towards me as I shake off this one off violently then aim a quick blast of flame at him. I torch the rest within a ten foot range and then continue with the glass pane. After a minute or so I’ve sealed off the entire front of the auditorium behind a glass pane and I look behind me to find the few creatures that have made it across without me noticing. I pick each off with a quick flame shot and wipe the sweat off my brow as I can relax since the rest have been trapped.  

    I look back at the pane and see the creatures ramming into it.  Realizing that they’ll soon get out and wreak havoc, I know what to do.  I beat a small hole into a section far from the creatures, and start to shoot water behind the pane.  If I am to pass this course, I need to impress my chemistry professor.  I begin to fill the area behind the pane with water, carefully aiming a quick blast at the cabinet of salt shakers used for demonstrations, making sure that it mixes with the water. As I continue to fill the area with water, I search around for a comically large straw. It’s a day-dream, so of course that’s realistic.  I look down at my feet and notice a beautiful, barber-shop pole colored straw that is just large enough for what I need to do. Now that the creatures are struggling to stay afloat, I know I have won. I run to one end of the giant straw, switch the setting on my supersoaker to flame, and light the other end of the straw.  As the flame lights it, I stab the straw through the hole I had been creating, maneuver it down into the water, and after five seconds pull it out, hoping I had spilled enough salt earlier. Of course I had, this is my day dream.  The liquid turns to ice instantly, freezing the creatures into place.  Suddenly the doors behind me fly open and everyone comes in cheering.

The pretty girl from before rushes forward to embrace me and my favorite professor (who wasn’t even teaching the course) tells me that she’ll do the research on the creatures and we’ll both win the Nobel Prizes for Peace and Sciencey type stuff.  After this moment is usually when I wake up from my day-dream, often because I notice the sounds of people shuffling their feet as they get out of class. I grab my bag and drag my feet up the stairs, out of the room to my next class where I don’t understand a thing, hoping that one day it is arm and arm with the pretty girl and a guaranteed Nobel prize (or two).

[johnhughesart]

It’s happening—I might actually finish this one! I have to take a break from it for a while to do my actual work, (I know, right?) but I’d say this baby’s about 65% done. Since I’ve started seriously working on this, I can’t help but see the post-apocalyptic version of every location I visit in my head—should I see a doctor? Can’t wait to continue this series! WIP

[thesquazzingtonpost]

MLB Mid-Season Re-Think: We're Bad At Predictions, But At Least the Yankees Suck

  The Major League Baseball season just ticked past its halfway point last week, and a lot of clubs are in positions they (or maybe just the pundits) could not have dreamed of at the start of the year. The Pittsburgh Pirates, owners of 20 consecutive losing seasons since 1992, are a half game back from the best record in baseball, while the defending champs (the 4th-place San Francisco Giants) and the ‘1927 Yankees’ (as the Washington Nationals compared themselves favorably to before the season started) find themselves mired in trouble. There’s been rookie sensations, struggling superstars, and just enough Alex Rodriguez drama to remind you why you hate the Yankees. In light of the first half of the season, the Squazzington Post is taking a look back on how our preseason predictions are turning out and look forward in time to speculate on what might happen in the second half of the year.

AL EAST: As the season was dawning we thought that this division would be fought over primarily by the relative upstarts in Tampa, Toronto, and Baltimore. The tea leaves seemed to indicate that the Yankees were going to struggle to produce runs without its three big guns (the aforementioned A-Rod, the recovering Derek Jeter, and the now out-for-the-season Mark Teixeira), and it was hard to tell what Boston was going to be like after two straight seasons of clubhouse drama and on-field failure. As it turns out, Boston got the much better end of the stick in the trade they swung with the Dodgers last season to take over $200 million in player salary off their books, and its already starting to show. Boston leads the division right now and also leads the majors in runs scored, all while the Evil Empire has slowly fallen off its perch. The Yankees were able to graft over-the-hill guys like Lyle Overbay & Vernon Wells into their line-up with some success early, but further injuries and poor hitting has seen them drop out of first place like a rock.

The Baltimore Orioles surprised some people by making the playoffs last season, and some pundits (including us), felt that it might be a stretch for a middling-budget team like B’more to do it again in this division that now features three payrolls in excess of $100 million, after Toronto splurged on Jose Reyes & others this winter. Instead the O’s have put up the second-most runs in baseball thanks to the absolute lights-out hitting of former Texas prospect Chris Davis (leads MLB in HR’s w/ 33) and their own homegrown sensation, Manny Machado (who has an INSANE 39 double so far). Tampa Bay initially failed to live up to our preseason first-place pick, but since they’ve quietly snuck their way past both New York and Baltimore to move into pole position for a wild card spot. Toronto endured an abysmal start to the season after injuries knocked out Reyes and limited others (which we said could definitely affect this team in our preview). After falling 11 games below .500 at one point, it was looking like the Jays were this season’s Miami Marlins, after Miami’s brief flirtation with a big payroll last year until they remembered they're the Marlins and tanked. But the Blue Jays scrapped their way back into the division hunt with a recently-snapped 11-game win streak and once again made this the division to watch out for as the playoffs loom on the horizon.

Baltimore's Chris Davis has gotten used to watching balls fly over the fences this season, as he leads the majors in home runs.

AL CENTRAL: In a division that we predicted that was all but sewn up for the Tigers this season has actually shaped up to be closer than we thought. Terry Francona has been working his magic in Cleveland, and the Indians are one if those teams that did just enough right in the offseason to put themselves in this position. It also helps when your staff "ace" (Justin Masterson) finally puts together somewhat respectful numbers after years of inconsistency, and when you can pull a complete reclamation project like Scott Kazmir off the scrap heap and actually get pretty decent results. After we predicted that they might take a step towards respectability, Kansas City looked the part after a month, but absolutely stunk in May. They’re now hovering around .500 after they brought Royals legend George Brett in as their hitting coach, but c’mon, it’s Kansas City. Oh, and Minnesota is flirting with mediocrity (an improvement on recent years), while Chicago clearly is taking our preseason advice and just said, ‘screw it, lets get some nice draft picks while these dicks in Detroit are running things for now’. And yes, Detroit is running things right now in this division, despite some shaky outings from Justin Verlander and a pedestrian overall record. Max Scherzer is the first pitcher to start a season 13-0 in 25 years, and Miguel Cabrera is trying to beat out Chris Davis and win back-to-back MVPs/Triple Crowns (which is absurd). Smart odds are on the Tigers to finish ahead of the second-most racist sports team in sports (the list of course comprising the Redskins, Indians, Braves, & Blackhawks), but we’ve seen stranger things.

AL WEST: The Squazzington Posts’ sports team is officially done with the Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim, or wherever the shit it is that they play. In the last year, they’ve made big free agent splurges for an aging Albert Pujols, the foppish C.J. Wilson, and the free-swinging Josh Hamilton. They’ve had the hottest fish in the game (huzzah for bad Mike Trout jokes!) for over a year now (but only because Jorge Tilapia flamed out for the Mets. There, no more fish jokes), and a World Series-winning manager. And yet they stink. Injuries to Pujols and Jered Weaver have been a factor, but the real tragedy is that they forgot you need a full complement of somewhat decent pitchers to get outs in this league. Of course they’ve now gone and won 8 of their last 10 games to get within sniffing distance of the playoffs again, but it’s going to be a long road back in this division.

Much like the Orioles, the Oakland A’s have confounded the experts here at the Post again this season after winning the West in 2012, and are currently sitting half a game up on Texas. The small-market juggernaut continues to get it done with solid pitching and a decent offense, so it really is too bad that their stadium gets more national attention for literally shitting on them than the actual team does for its excellent play so far. But so it goes. The Rangers have been nipping at their heels all season, but we here at the Post are hoping that the A’s can hang on down the stretch, mainly because it likely means that the Angels will miss the playoffs again, and we all know what happens when expensive teams lose again and again: RED WEDDINGS.

  An Angels fan lets us know exactly how she feels about the last two seasons in Anaheim or wherever it is they play. 

Revised AL division winners (and Wild Cards): Boston, Detroit, Oakland (+ Texas, Baltimore)

  NL EAST: Thank god this worked out. In about the only division that is managing to make us look smart right now, the Atlanta Braves sit seven games above the Washington Nationals and 9.5 ahead of the Phillies (as of July 2nd). Much like we predicted, its been either feast or famine for the free-swinging Braves on offense, but they’re really in the position they are thanks to the second best staff ERA in baseball (3.18). The Nationals have been absolutely abysmal on offense, they’ve playing about .500 baseball since the start of the season, and their lineup has been ravaged by injuries, most notably to their young stars Stephen Strasburg and Bryce Harper. With Harper making an immediate impact in his return (including a first at-bat home run), and the Braves predilection for going super hot and cold at the plate looming large, we refuse to say that this division is sewn up by any measure. Philadelphia’s pensioners are going through another tough season as the ‘blow-em-up’ trade rumors persist, and the Mets and Marlins are slugging it out for the cellar spot. Just as it has been for the past seven or eight years, this division is largely a two-horse race, but if the two teams at the bottom can hold onto their young assets, New York’s CY Young candidate Matt Harvey and Miami’s masher Giancarlo Stanton chief among them, this could be a very interesting and competitive division in the future.

New Braves centerfielder B.J. Upton might be part of one of baseball's best memes with his brother Justin in Atlanta's outfield, but he's still hitting .173 on the season. Blegh

NL CENTRAL: Our writers made some different calls in this division preseason, one picking the Pirates to squeak into the postseason via the wild card, while the other picked them to finish dead last again (oops). Instead PIttsburgh has baffled everyone in baseball by running to first in a division that could end up with three playoff teams. It’s tempting to think that key to their current success is solely based on their player development of highly drafted guys like Andrew McCutchen & Pedro Alvarez, but its actually their pitching that has put them in this spot. The pitching staff added a few old horses like A.J. Burnett and Wandy Rodriguez over the last year, and they’ve been rewarded with the best ERA in the majors. Their bullpen has also been lights-out, and closer Jason Grilli leads the NL in saves.

The Cardinals continue to win consistently thanks to their offense that features four different team leaders in batting average, home runs, RBI, and runs scored (their 431 runs scored is best in the NL), an ace pitching staff (3rd best ERA, 2nd-best WHIP in MLB), and they’ve shown that they can win tough games wherever they go as owners of a league-high 27 road wins. Even though they’ve been seesawing with Pittsburgh for the division lead, the Cards still only find themselves four games up on Cincinnati, a team that has also combined solid pitching with a potent offense to keep lurking in the playoff picture. And things can only get better for baseball fans as we move towards October. Reds pitcher (and benched fantasy player, ARRGGHHH!) Homer Bailey pitched the league’s first no-hitter of the season last Tuesday, the Pirates are trying to defy history, and the Cards want another ring, so this division is clearly going to heat up coming down the stretch. Heck, if it weren’t for the Chicago Cubs and the Artist Formerly Known As the Milwaukee Brewers stinking up the joint, this would be the best division in baseball.

The last time Pittsburgh had a winning record, this is what Barry Bonds looked like. Yeah, that WAS for-freaking-ever ago. 

NL WEST: Before the season started, some experts were pinning this as a very competitive division, partially because the youngsters in Arizona, Colorado, & San Diego might be ready to contribute big-time, and mostly because the West featured the defending champion in the San Francisco Giants and the free-spending Los Angeles Dodgers. What a complete and utter mess this is turning out to be. The defending World Series champion and the team with the 200 million-dollar payroll are both sitting below .500, while the first-place Arizona Diamondbacks have the worst record of all the division leaders in baseball. The Dodgers have been re-energized by the arrival of rookie mega-sensation Yasiel Puig and have jumped out of the basement to within 3 games of the D’backs, so maybe the narrative here can still be salvaged and we can still get an in-puiging (ok, sorry) pennant race. The Dodgers appear to have all the weapons to overtake Arizona, but we shall see.

After Arizona traded MVP-caliber outfielder Justin Upton to the Brave this offseason, some wondered how Arizona was going to stay competitive in this division, and the D’Backs have gotten to this point on the relative strength of their pitching, and on the back of young first baseman Paul Goldschmidt, who’s hitting .310 and has a NL-leading 74 RBI. Unfortunately, they’ve got LA heating up behind them, so how their young-ish club responds to the pressure will be interesting. The Colorado Rockies started off red hot, even if their home games were below freezing (I went. It sucked), but they’re fading, and have now fallen to third place in a division where first place is pretty much the only way you’re making the playoffs. San Diego is a mediocre team, so no surprise in where they sit, but the Giants are currently sitting in the dictionary as an illustrated example of strugglin’. They can’t score, their rotation has vacillated between shaky and terri-bad, and yet they still have three guys in the All-Star game. Huh?

Revised NL division winners (and Wild Cards) : Atlanta, St. Louis, LA Dodgers (+Pittsburgh and Cincinnati)

[thesquazzingtonpost]

2013 NBA Draft SquazzWrap, Or Chad Ford's Personal Perdition

Just a week after the Heat and the Spurs wrapped up the NBA Finals, the 2013 Draft took place last night, and holy schnikes it was a crazy one. There was the drama of consensus No. 1 pick Nerlens Noel falling to No. 6, enough trades to make your head spin, and equal measures of both head-scratching and elation by those fans doofy enough to sit up through the whole thing and watch their teams pick guys that are potentially going to be playing in Iceland come November. On league commissioner David Stern’s last Draft after 30 years at the helm of the NBA, we supposedly had a “weak” class, but the the four-hour marathon totally confounded the experts with the amount of activity and drama that resulted. Gotta love it.

The first thing that should be said about the Squazz Post’s NBA Draft coverage is that we have done our homework, but not nearly as much as actual guys who do this for a living, like the esteemed Chad Ford, and the guys over at BleacherReport (who published a new Draft record of 4.69 Mock Drafts per day in the run-up to Thursday). So take our analysis with a grain of salt, and remember that most of these guys are never going to see a second contract in the NBA, thats just the competitive nature of the league and the business.

We’re going to make this as simple as possible by just running through the draft and evaluating what each player does for the team that either drafted or traded for last night. Oh, and hells yeah we’re (maybe) evaluating both rounds. Its either going to be a home for substantive analysis, or cheap jokes about all the foreign-born players taken this year. (Note: the players remain in their original draft order, but the teams that traded out picks for earlier/later picks and/or players and whatnot have been shuffled to reflect said whatnotting.)

1. Anthony Bennett, 6’8” PF, Cleveland Cavs - SURPRISE! When this pick happened last night, ESPN commentator and basketball nerd-supreme Bill Simmons just about fell out of his chair from the shock of it. Being the number one pick is kind of a big deal from year to year, but this pick came with some extra mustard. In addition to being the first Canadian to ever go #1, Bennett leapfrogged from the projected 7th or 8th pick in more than a couple people’s books, since a shoulder injury had kept him from working out for NBA teams ahead of the draft, and there were questions about his ability to guard NBA power forwards and sometimes centers. But Cleveland, looking to avoid this part of the draft next year, rolled the dice on a guy who has drawn comparisons to former Rookie of the Year & All-Star Larry Johnson. His big frame, NBA-ready offensive game, bruising style of play and athleticism compare favorably to the last UNLV player be selected with the first pick, but his potential size issues at the 4 and injury could keep him from being productive in the long-term. The move might just pay off in a draft with no sure things, but with aging center Anderson Varejao only under contract for one more year and fwllow Canadian Tristan Thompson already holding down the 4-spot, the logic would dictate the Cavs might have gone for a franchise center. But you have to think that as long as he’s going to be taking minutes from Alonzo Gee eventually the Cavs are pretty ok with this pick though, right?

2. Victor Oladipo, 6’4” SG, Orlando Magic - This guy just has “productive” written all over him. By all accounts he’s an absolute maniac of a worker, is a very keen student of the game, and is pretty damn athletic to boot. He’s going to have to show that he can score occasionally and not just be a one-way player on the defensive end (see: Allen, Tony), however valuable those types of guys sometimes are over the course of a season. But that was the knock on him last year, and he notably improved both his 3-point and true shooting percentages this year (+12% in both categories). Oladipo is a great pick in this unsure draft that fits nicely with some of pieces Orlando slapped together last year in the wake of the Dwight Howard fiasco. And if they add Eric Bledsoe via a trade with the Clippers for Arron Afflalo as has been rumored, they could have a really scary-ass and athletic backcourt.

3. Otto Porter, 6’7” SF, Washington Wizards - The man who has been described as the “safest” or “highest floor” pick in the draft won’t have to move very far from his former home on the Georgetown campus to his new team, and everything about this pick feels right. The Wiz filled a Trevor Ariza-sized hole at small forward with a good character guywho possess a lot of NBA-ready tools (Ariza is their current starter there, and boy does he like jumpers. He’s like a homeless man’s Josh Smith). Considering the makeup of this draft, you’d have to think that maybe that the Southeast Division isn’t going to be the laughing stock of the NBA anymore. But then again, we almost forgot about Charlotte...

4. Cody Zeller, 6’11” F/C, Charlotte Bobcats - The Bobcats desperately needed front-court help, and the polished and surprisingly athletic Cody Zeller (he killed at the combine) could be one part of the answer. But you have to wonder about his ability to defend NBA bigs considering his bean-pole frame, and with Michael Jordan running things, you never can really tell. In the last 10 years under Jordan, the woeful Bobcats have used top-15 picks on NBA washouts/scrubs Sean May, Adam Morrison, DJ Augustin, and Bismack Biyombo. Plenty of teams have made shite draft picks in the past, but no one combines bad drafting with poor open-market dealings to the detriment of his team more than MJ. At this point he’s really really giving Minnesota's notorious David Kahn a run for his money as the worst NBA executive of the last ten years. In the end Zeller is a very nice sort of hedge-bet against Biyombo not panning out, and for a team with as many holes as Charlotte, it would be hard to fault any pick here I guess.

5. Alex Len, 7’1” C, Phoenix Suns - So as Nerlens Noel kept falling from the projected No. 1 spot, he was watching more than just money slip out of his hands. He slid past some teams who were sticking to their plans (the Magic & Wiz) and another who was sticking to... we don’t know at this point (the Bobcats). As Phoenix was on the clock, it started to dawn on you that Noel’s knee and the Suns’ legendary training staff were the perfect match. But no! The Russian who some had thought might go first if anyone but Noel did ended up trumping him in the end, on the basis of the fact that he’s 7-foot plus (and still might be growing), he’s got a more ‘polished’ offensive game than Noel, and he used to be a gymnast. I put polished in quotations because over the course of last season Len put up exactly 1.4 more points per game than Noel did, and didn’t even make the All-ACC first, second, or THIRD teams in two years at Maryland. Sure the Terrapin guards may have been bad, but are the Phoenix guards THAT much more spectacular relative to their league? Anthony Bennett, this pick, and the next one will define this draft, and of the three I have the least faith in Len long-term.

6. Nerlens Noel, 7’0” F/C, Philadelphia 76ers (trade sends All-Star Jrue Holiday to New Orleans for Noel & 2014 1st round pick) - After watching five guys walk up to shake David Stern’s hand before he did, and enduring enough dramatic close-ups to make a porn-star blush, Nerlens Noel was finally picked by the New Orleans Pelicans with the sixth pick. They immediately flipped him & a top-five-protected 2014 first round pick to Philly minutes later for fourth-year PG Jrue Holiday. The 76ers are officially in full-out blow-up mode after enduring a circus of a season that couldn't end soon enough, and resulted in the coach and GM getting fired. This trade netted a pretty lightly-protected pick in a loaded draft next year, oh, and the guy everyone thought was going to go first, but for their only All-Star and best asset (on a reasonable a 4-years for $41-million. Hell, Javale McGee is making $11 mill/per and he doesn’t even start! But more on that later). When word of this trade first came out it was a little stunning, but it makes a ton of sense for Philly to lay low for a year while Noel and a young core can mesh and then possibly add two lottery player next year, and New Orleans picks up a reasonably priced option at point guard who might not have hit his ceiling yet.

7. Ben McLemore, 6’5” SG, Sacramento Kings - Some say that he has the highest ceiling in this group of draftees, but you have to just keep your fingers crossed for any rookie who’s going into the black hole of Sacramento. A great athlete with beautiful shot mechanics, McLemore has the potential to do great things in the League, but he’s young and has temperament issues (not the destructive kind, just the introverted kind). I want this guy to make it, but ugh, Sacramento is just full of slash & shoot non-passers and head-cases right now.

8. Kentavious Caldwell-Pope, 6’6” SG, Detroit Pistons - The SEC Player of the Year flew under the radar for many, but KCP was doing it all for UGA this year, whether it was spotting up, slashing, assisting, rebounding, or playing great D. A lot of folks were speculating that the Pistons would look for a point guard with this pick so the could move dunk-a-soraus victim Brandon Knight to the shooting guard spot (see below). A lot of these same folks feel like Detroit may have reached a little bit with this pick. A pretty nice shooter such as Caldwell-Pope will be really well served by all the kick-out opportunities Detroit’s maturing bigs are likely to create, so look for KCP to maybe make Rookie of the Year honor on a team that might be turning the corner.

Sorry Bandon Knight, but the internet makes seeing this again and again just too much fun.  

9. Trey Burke, 6’0” PG, Utah Jazz (traded from MIN for picks 14 & 21) - Thanks to a trade that broke while he was on-air talking about being used to snow with ESPN Radio, former Michigan Wolverine and Swag-a-tron cardholder Trey Burke went from having to back up Ricky Rubio and bowling ball/munchkin J.J. Barrea in Minneapolis to getting pretty much his own team in Salt Lake City. Is there an acceptable punchline for that sort of deal? This is a great pick up for a young Jazz team desperate for some better guard play and swagger (though his defense & height has always been the question people dangle over him), and it gave Minnesota two picks that they turned into pretty decent players later in the draft. Not too bad for everyone all around.

10. C.J. McCollum, 6’2” SG/PG, Portland Trail Blazers - The Blazers go the mid-major route for the second year in a row, and they are hoping that the versatile and experienced McCollum can somewhat emulate 2013 Rookie of the Year Damian Lillard. Apparently the two have been in touch and are pretty good friends, but the questions surrounding LaMarcus Aldridge’s future are going to make this a stormy year in the Pacific Northwest. (lulz). In other news, McCollum is one of the few guys in the draft who completed his degree, in journalism mind you, so we at least figure he’s got a future if this doesn’t work out.

11. Michael Carter-Williams, 6’5” PG, Philadelphia 76ers - The lanky Syracuse man will be reunited with his Boston-area AAU teammate Nerlens Noel in Philly, but there’s going to be a steep learning curve for the both of them as they adjust to the physicality of the NBA and absorb the disappointments of rebuilding in Philly (fill in crowd horror story here). He’s tall enough to see over defenses and cause problems for other guards on defense, but it really is going to be another looooong year for the ‘6ers either way you slice it.

12. Steve Adams, 7’0” C, Oklahoma City Thunder - The New Zealander helped the NBA set another milestone, as he was the first from that nation drafted in the first round, and from here on out the international invasion is on.  The “Thunder from Down Under” is the pick that OKC got in the James Harden trade, but part of me still wants to cringe a little bit every time I remember how pitiful they looked without Harden or Russ Westbrook in the playoffs. If this pick blows up their face and the value of that trade gets questioned more and more, OKC may only have themselves to blames, even when considering their cap numbers. Adams could address a point of need on a nice rookie deal, since OKC vet Kendrick Perkins’ usefulness as an interior defender was more than negated by his offensive ineptitude the past few seasons. The big man failed to impress at the start of his freshman year in Pittsburgh, but he played well late in the season and apparently wowed scouts with great mid-range shooting performances at team workouts. They might have to stash him in the D-League for a bit while they figure out what to do with Perkins, but if he adds some polish, I think OKC comes out ahead with this pick.

13. Kelly Olynyk, 6’11” F/C, Boston Celtics (acquired from Dallas for Lucas Nogueira) - Another Canadian is selected in the first round, and what I can mainly say about him from looking at his tape is that he needs a damn haircut. As a one-time purveyor of the “shaggy white boy” basketball player look in my playing days, I think I am somewhat qualified to say, let it go brother (I got Birdman on my side too. boy-o). Other than that, he looks like a serviceable stretch-4 who can step out and hit some jumpers, but is going to struggle to defend and create shots against big-time 4/5s. Fine and dandy, if you’re not trading your only rim-protector and you are getting 2 more guys like that from Brooklyn in the same night! Wait a second... thats what they did? Phhbt. After the kerfuffle that was the first ten picks, Celtics GM Danny Ainge described the pick-up as a great ‘complementary’ choice. Gotta say, if you’re going to go all-in on rebuilding mode, you got to take some shots in the draft, and I don’t know if a big ol’ jump-shot shooting white boy with questionable athleticism and defense is the way to go. But there you have it.

Boston's Kelly Olynyk: Badly in Need of a Gillette Sponsorship

14. Shabazz Muhammad, 6’6” G/F, Minnesota Timberwolves - A guy who might have been a top-5 pick last year labored through a poor shooting year at UCLA, all while fighting off allegations that he was 20 years old when he said that he was 19. Really? Yes, really. The bad press double-whammy dropped him into the T-Wolves lap after they flipped Trey Burke. If they can’t resign Pekovic next season, the T-Wolves are kind of a mess outside of the PG & PF spots (held down by Rrruuuuuuuubio & K.Love), but a mid-round guy with a chip to his shoulder might be just the ticket, or it might be the perfect opportunity for him to float into Minnesota draft lore along with such hallowed names as Johnny Flynn, Ndudi Ebi (thanks, Senor Marquez) Rashad McCants, Corey Brewer, and Michael Beasley.

15. Giannis Adetokunbo, 6’9” SF, Milwaukee Bucks - THE GREEK FREAK. Its seems that the Bucks are making a bid to create the lankiest team of all-time (if he ever does join Larry Sanders & John Henson in the great Mid-west), but this is definitely a pick that we’re not going to see for awhile. The 18 year-old has great size, a big wingspan, handles, and HUUUUGE hands, but his club competition so far has been in the Greek second-league (read: not very good). If he can put on 30 pounds (he is still growing) and find a position (he plays point-forward right now, which could have promise), you might be seeing him in the league in a year or two, but don’t count on it.

16. Lucas Nogueira, 7’0” C, Atlanta Hawks (acquired from Dallas via Boston for 18th & 44th picks) - “Bebe”, as he’s called in his native Brazil and in Spain’s pro league, is a springy big man who loves to run the court, and he defends & make plays at the rim. He needs to put on some weight and apparently show more focus throughout the course of games, but I like the tape on him when he played against NBA-level Euro teams like Barcelona and Real Madrid. Definitely had the goofiest look of all the draft picks tonight, but there's always gotta be that one guy who can't get his hat over his afro, am I right?

17. Dennis Schroeder, 6’2” PG, Atlanta Hawks - Rangy German 19 year-old with a 6’9” wingspan has some thinking Rajon Rondo potential. He’s got a real quick first step, can finish in a variety of ways around the rim, and makes some nice passes from different areas of the court. He is turnover-prone and will have to wait and see what the Hawks want to do with Jeff Teague’s expiring rookie deal as well as what they do in free agency, so I don’t know that either of these two picks actually plays in Atlanta this season considering their situations as growing players Danny Ferry can option to decent teams in Europe for a year and take a shot at next year’s draft/free agent class (both of which are so much better).

18. Shane Larkin, 6’0” PG, Dallas Mavericks - The Mavs traded all over the first round to end up with this pick, and it looks like a good move. Dallas didn’t get what it wanted out of Darren Collison a year after losing Jason Kidd to New York, so a point guard here makes sense for them. Larkin was solid for a very strong Miami team in a pretty blah ACC this year, but his height doesn’t exactly project well. Though how many times a year do we hear that.

19. Sergey Karasev, 6’7” SF, Cleveland Cavs - The Cavs use their second of four picks on the sharp-shooting Karasev, who projects as a solid spark off you bench or as a Mike Miller-esque two-way guy if we’re feeling optimistic. He apparently felt so optimistic about his chances in the draft that he shut down his workouts after the first couple and peaced out back to Russia until the Draft took place. Yeah, ok guy. Gotta like what Cleveland in doing with their picks if you like half-full glasses, but they still look like they need a center and a wing defensive-stopper.

20. Tony Snell, 6’7” SF, Chicago Bulls - A great fit for a Tom Thibodeau team. The New Mexico swingman is athletic, rangy, and has been accused to lacking focus. You can bet that’ll be gone quickly with Thibs in charge. Its a pretty good situation for a guy who was projected in the second round to end up in, too. A guaranteed deal on a hard-working team and well-coached that’s getting its best player back? Snell will have to prove that he’s got NBA-range now that everyone likes to have corner 3-taking swingmen who can play D & rebound these days, but he’s got the tools and situation to succeed.

21. Gorgui Dieng, 6’11” C, Minnesota Timberwolves - The T-Wolves snap up Louisville’s defensive stopper who can hopefully make up for the fact that Kevin Love and Derrick Williams have no interest in protecting the rim from game-to-game. Dieng anchored the college national champs with his defense, rebounding, and surprising offensive repertoire (his mid-range game really shone through during March Madness). On another team that has convinced themselves that they will not be in the lottery next year, Dieng could play major minutes if Pekovic bolts in free agency, or could simply eat into Greg Stiemsma playing time, which you can’t hate too much.

22. Mason Plumlee, C, Brooklyn Nets - The next Kris Humphries, except less handsome, skilled, hated, or paid. Last night the Nets also picked up Boston vets Kevin Garnett, Jason Terry, & Paul Pierce from the Celtics in an agreed-upon ‘trade-in-principle’, so when Nets GM Billy King impishly told the press that this team was very pleased with the drafting of Mason Plumlee, I can guarantee you he wasn’t thinking one iota about Mason Plumlee. Still, the guy is a mobile big man who can rebound and defend a bit, and maybe KG can teach him a thing or two, but he can’t post-up for nothing, which seems to be a great niche to be filling now that BK has off-loaded Reggie Evans & the aforementioned Mr. Humphries. (Did I mention I hate Duke players in the draft?)

23. Solomon Hill, F, Indiana Pacers - The Pacers drafted another small forward, which could suggest that Danny Granger is not sticking around for that much longer in Indy. Or it could just mean that they like small forwards.

24. Tim Hardaway Jr., 6’6” SG, New York Knicks - This is the point in the draft where my research usaully starts to putter out, but thanks to his time in the NCAA tournament with Michigan, we got a good long look at Hardaway Jr. He's a good shooter and a great defender who joins a team that desperately needs to get younger on the wings, so odds are he's going to have a chance to make an impact.

25. Reggie Bullock, 6’7” SF, LA Clippers - With the emergence of the “3-and-D” player (i.e. Danny Green, Shane Battier, etc.), a guy who can defend at least two positions and shoot well from range as a second or third option on offense, mid-height athletes with pure shooting strokes like Bullock are going to get a shot in the NBA over pure prospects. On a team that looks like its going to have a lot of type-A personalities and a new coach in the locker room, Bullock will be well-served if he keeps his head down and does the little things in Lob City.

26. Andre Roberson, 6’7” PF, Oklahoma City - A Colorado State University product who figures to get traded at some point by the Thunder for James Harden and cash. Lulz. Roberson is one of these late round picks who end up as footnotes on Wikipedia, but if he wants to make a difference on the Thunder’s squad, he’s apparently going to do it with the power of advanced metrics, because ESPN’s Kevin Pelton called him the value of the draft based on his WARP relative to the rest of this class (thats Wins Above Replacement Player for you non-losers out there). Huzzah! Now only if metrics could somehow remove Serge Ibaka from the depth chart and then Roberson’s true greatness will be revealed! Or something.

27. Rudy Gobert, 7’1” C, Utah Jazz - The next Freddy Weis. He’s a great big behemoth of a lout with poor foot-speed and a limited offensive arsenal. That sounds like a recipe to either sit in Europe for a few more years, ride the pine until that rookie deal expires, or end up on a lot of new dunk posters. 

Just in case anyone forgot, the man wearing Vince Carter as a hat in this picture is the artist formerly known as Freddy Weis. He was never heard from again. 

28. Livio Jean-Charles, F, San Antonio Spurs - Graduate to the NBA from the French league team owned by Spurs guard Tony Parker, which means just about squat nothing in the NBA unless you’re the Spurs and you just have magic player-making pixie dust. 

29. Archie Goodwin, G, Phoenix Suns - A young gunner who can’t really shoot but with great athleticism and reasonable upside. He left Kentucky after his freshman year apparently because he was afraid of riding the pine once UK coach John Calipari's newest class of freshman All-Americans rolled into town, which makes close to no sense. Logic suggests he’ll at least be making some dough to ride the pine even more for an awful Suns team next year after getting traded from Golden State, but they got next to nothing from their guards last year, so Goodwin might just have a shot to play some.

30. Nemanja Nedovic, G, Golden State Warriors - Literally had never heard of him, so when Phoenix selected him I had no idea what to think and still haven’t formulated anything. Like many of the 12 international picks in the first round this year, this selection looks like a money-saving move.

Second Round:

Not even touching it. The second round of the draft is the NBA chop-shop of deals for future picks and cash considerations, and there were still deals being done early today with a bunch of teams in the second round. So there. (Update: In what might be the 'biggest deal' of the 2nd round, the Denver Nuggets traded starting center Kosta Koufos to Memphis for Darrell Arthur and the 55th pick, Joffery Lauvergne. The move will like make the previously mentioned Javale McGee the starter in Denver, so we can all have more of these moments! HUZZAH!)

Winners: Anthony Bennett, Philadelphia, Brooklyn (not draft-related) David Stern one-liners, International Players, teams that wanted to trade a bunch of shit.

Losers: Domestic players looking for first-round contracts, Boston (not draft-related)

Best moment: Hakeem Olajuwon, David Stern’s first pick at his first draft 30 years ago, surprising Stern after he announced his last pick ever as commissioner. He even wore the same suit that he did 30 years previous! Good stuff.

[thesquazzingtonpost]

Game 6 Was One for the Ages. LET'S DO IT AGAIN!

Wow. There have been some great NBA Finals in the past decade, from the Celtic-Lakers rivalry-reviving throwdowns in 2008 & 2010 to the Detroit Pistons upset of the Shaq/Kobe Lakers in ‘04. Despite all those great clashes, this years series might be the best out of all of them, and might even be the best since a certain Michael Jordan was cleaning out in the 90’s.

As Bill Simmons, the editor-in-chief of our rival blog Grantland (lulz), pointed out yesterday, there might be more riding on this series legacy-wise than any other in recent memory, which is one of the big reasons that it has been so great. We recommend checking it out, but the long and the short of it comes down to a couple things: if the Spurs win a fifth championship for Tim Duncan & Gregg Popovich, those two are the greatest player/coach duo of the last 15 years (and get mentioned with Jordan-Jackson & Auerbach-Russell for the rest of their lives), Tony Parker reassumes the “best point guard in the game” mantle from the titleless Chris Paul, and Manu Ginobili cements himself a spot in the Hall of Fame. If the Heat win Game 7 then Lebron never wears a headband again (more on that in a moment), the ‘Big 3’ adds another cornerstone to their legacy as an all-time great team, and Ray Allen gets another ring to plug his ears with while people talk about Danny Green for the next few weeks.

So Game 7 is set to take place Thursday night in Miami, but in order to appreciate how epic that’s going to be (only the sixth Game 7 played in the Finals since 1971), lets walk through some key points in last night’s game again:

I freaking love big-time basketball, and Game 6 is proof as to why. After everyone (Squazz Post included) complained that the 4th quarters throughout this series have been snoozers, we finally got the incredibly epic game that we deserved out of this one, with more momentum shifts in the second half of this game than there are in John Daly’s golf swing (its a fat joke of very poor taste, for those who don’t follow golf). And it wasn’t just the epic back-and-forths that made this game, it was the small moments like Mike Miller’s single-shoed three-pointer. These are the moments that become a part of NBA lore down the road, and they made this game what it was.

Lebron James’ headband almost slayed Twitter last night. In case you missed the game or just don’t follow basketball in general, this is probably the only part of the game that you’ve already heard about. With about 8 minutes left in regulation and the Heat down by 5 points, Lebron caught a wild Mario Chalmers fallaway jumper out of mid-air and threw it down for a dunk to cut the lead to three, but he lost his trademark headband in the process when someone clocked him. Two things to know about Lebron: 1) He clearly despises his receding hairline (and has tried to cover it up with progresssively wider and wider headbands over the years) and 2) He absolutely beasted without it on. He scored 18 of his 32 points in the fourth quarter, had a monster block on Duncan, and tightroped between legendary and crappy (with some baaad turnovers late) like no one we've seen before. People on Twitter just about lost their collective shit as they tried to make the most retweeted #noheadband joke of the night, but the real takeaway point is that Charles Barkley is ALWAYS RIGHT.

The Heat did much better covering Spurs’ sharpshooter Danny Green on the three point line last night. After setting an NBA Finals record with 25 three-point baskets in only the first five games of the series, Green was looking like a lock for the most unlikely Finals MVP of all time if the Spurs clinched. Not so quickly though. Green went 1-5 from outside the line last night, and despite a couple of pretty good defensive plays in transition again, he had a bad turnover late in the game, finished with just 3 points, and ended up with a +/- line of -12. Not MVP-type stuff, though it was looking like the Spurs weren’t going to need his normally dead-eye shooting to squeak this one out simply because Tim Duncan thought it was 2001 again and was eating Chris Bosh for breakfast, lunch, and dinner on the block throughout the first half.

Chris Bosh: From Goat to Hero to Goat to Hero. Has anyone had a stranger NBA playoffs than Chris Bosh, other than Flo-Rida’s manager (Got in a fight with an Indiana scrub, yelled at the Spurs bench in games 1 & 2 so much he was barred from Game 6)? After being able to cruise-control in the first round past Milwaukee, the Heat’s frontcourt in the next two rounds ran into a pair of teams in Chicago and Indiana that were not going to back down from anyone, but you could literally watch Miami’s defacto ‘small-ball’ center, Mr. Bosh, slide further and further away from the basket in an attempt to get away from Joakim Noah and Roy Hibbert respectively. Bosh played so poorly against Indiana’s bruisers in the conference finals that he apologized to his teammates collectively right before their big Game 7 two weeks ago (and then shot like 3-17, ugh). The Spurs are a completely different team up front though, both in terms of physicality and pace, and Bosh found himself again and had settled into a nice rhythm in the high post and at the defensive end through the first five games. Then last night happened. He had a horrid first half, shooting abysmally, getting shredded by Timmy in the time machine for 25 points, and nearly booed to tears by the Miami fans. But then the last 10 minutes happened, and with one offensive rebound, one assist to Ray Allen, and one game-clinching block on Tony Parker, Chris Bosh saved Miami’s season. The bizzarity continues for one of the NBA’s most bizzare players.

Dear Miami fans, you officially suck. Not only did you commit a cardinal sin of elimination games by booing one of your players nearly out of the arena in the first half, but you then gave up on them anyways when it got hairy in the end. Nothing irritates me more than the fan who leaves the arena because they ‘want to beat the traffic’ or they see no hope for their team, and as anyone could see last night, there was a somewhat surprising portion of the crowd that started heading for the exits when with about a minute left in regulation the Heat saw another lead turn into a 5-point deficit. BUT ARE YOU KIDDING ME? It’s an elimination game of the NBA Finals, you have the greatest player in the planet on your team, two of the clutchest 3-point shooters of the last 10 years on your bench, a minute to tie it up at the very least, AND YOU LEFT THE ARENA?!? F*** YOU. According to YahooSports.com, these fans were subsequently not let back into the arena when they discovered that the game had gone to overtime, and I’d say thats sounds just about right. It says ‘no re-entry’ on just about every ticket you’ll buy these days, so its your own damn fault if you missed the best 10 minutes of the playoffs.

GAME 7 BAABBBBYYYYYYY! Nothing like it. Its gonna be great. Even if you hate basketball and loath sports, everyone has an appreciation for a little high drama, and this legacy-deciding Game 7 is gonna have lots of it. The Heat are trying to buck the haters again, are feeling the call of destiny after saving themselves from elimination again and again last night, and still have the best player on the planet. The Spurs are trying to get a ring for the thumb, are feeling like this might be the last huzzah for this cast, and still have the best coach in the game. Oh, and they may have lost last night, but the Spurs are still an incredible 14-3 in road elimination games during the Popovich era, so don’t count ‘em out. Tune in, for the kids.

[thesquazzingtonpost]

The NBA Finals: Halfway Home And Still No Clue Where This Is Going

In case you missed it Thursday night, the Miami Heat beat the San Antonio Spurs last night, 109-93, to even the NBA Finals best-of-seven series at 2-2. Its been a strange NBA Finals so far from night to night, with heroes made of perennial role players like Mario Chalmers, Danny Green & Gary Neal, and absolute goats made of perennial All-Stars Manu Ginobili & and Dwyane Wade (before last night anyways). Instead of our usual 1,800 word wrap-up of NBA playoff games that only our most dedicated fans make it through (we’re looking at you NSA), we’re going to keep it short with a few quick bullet points and observations about the first four games of these NBA Finals.

The Heat got Game 4 exactly right. Their defense was much improved, Dwyane Wade and Lebron James each got 25 shots up (and good ones at that), Chris Bosh continued to remember that he’s a 7-footer and should get double-digit rebounds, and the team only committed nine turnovers on the road compared to San Antonio’s 18. In the previous three Finals games, no one for Miami had cracked 20 points. Last night the “Big 3” went for a combined 85 of Miami’s 109 points. Thats a recipe for success if I’ve ever seen one.

Can we stop panicking about what Lebron James did or is going to do from game to game? The dude is the arguably the best player on the planet right now, is in his third straight FInals, and is putting up Magic Johnson-type numbers so far in this series. I very much doubt he gives a shit when all the plebs start blathering about how passive a 20-12-7 average Finals statline is. When his team needs him to flick an amazing cross court pass across his body right into a shooter’s stride, he does it. When they need a block or a steal, he gets it (NEVER FORGET). When they need him to attack the cup and get thirty, he does it (though not apparently without every Skip Bayless-wannabe hounding him about getting to the post early or driving to the bucket consistently. Ok, so maybe he does need the constant doubters).

Dwyane Wade is officially the weirdest player to watch in these NBA playoffs. Last night he was making great cuts to the rim, killing people off the dribble, rebounding well, swiping six steals, and basically having a vintage D-Wade game, but on Monday he had zero rebounds and led the Heat with a paltry 16 points in a meek Game 3 loss. Is it his touches? Maybe. Since getting somewhat frozen out in the Indiana series, Miami is looking his way more and more, and he might have finally found his rhythm again. Is it his knee? He won’t address it, but the bunny lay-ups that he missed in Games 1 & 3 seemingly because he just couldn’t hack it physically became two-handed dunks in Game 4, but how? The fadeaway jumpers that the Spurs let him have every day of the week have started falling, but three days ago it didn’t seem like he could hit the broadside of a barn if he was in the fucking hayloft. What gives? Will it be there in Game 5?

Basketball is a game of runs, and when one of these two teams gets hot over a period, with all their stars and all those three-point specialists on each bench, the other is basically powerless to stop them. Last night’s game was a perfect example, with the Spurs going up by 10 within the first few minutes, Miami ripping off a huge run to go up by 10 in the second quarter, and then the Spurs closing the half with an 11-2 run to tie the game. The third quarter was a battle, but the Heat pulled away in the fourth quarter again, along with a bit of Lebron padding his stats a bit to boot. It continued a run of double-digit wins for the victor in the last three games, but you’d want to believe that the end of Sunday’s pivotal Game 5 will end up a lot closer than these past few fourth-quarter snoozers.

Manu Ginobili looks like he’d get cut from a D-III college team right now. The man can’t get open, can’t hit anything that he gets open for consistently, lost his handles somewhere that I can't even formulate a joke for, and generally looks like he’s never been to a NBA Finals before, much less won three.

Tiago Splitter is a very intriguing free agent this summer. The Brazilian big man has had his ups and downs in this series, but will forever be a part of the Finals now that Lebron’s block on his attempted dunk in Game 2 is guaranteed to be in every video mashup that ABC/ESPN does for the next 10 years. With the big-ball (can we call it that?) revolution inspired by Indiana and Memphis, a lot of teams are going to be looking for a defensive-minded, championship-caliber center that can play the pick-and-roll to perfection, and Splitter might fit the bill for a lot of people. At times though he has been mercilessly bullied in the paint when the Miami D collapses on him off ball movement, turning the ball over a bunch, and he has gotten a couple of good (but slowly executed) looks at the basket rejected by the Heat, the least of which was that Lebron stuff. There are dozens of worse centers in the league than Splitter, but as a guy about to hit 30 years old with a below-average post-up game and who has functioned basically as a 6th option offensively on this team, some GMs looking to win now might want to check themselves before splashing the big bucks (Looking at you Danny Ferry). 

Prediction: Heat in 7 games after Spurs go up 3-2 on Sunday. The Heat have proven that they are great with their backs to the wall, having not lost back to back games since Dr. Naismith bred them in his Springfield lab back in the 1890’s, but the four-time champion Spurs are very much cut from the same sort of cloth. Its hard to see them losing a second straight home game, and going up in the series means we would head back to Miami next week with all the pressure on Lebron & Co.

[thesquazzingtonpost]

"Not Two, Not Three, Not Four, Not Five, Not Six, Not Seven"... Legacies on the Line & Wishing the NBA Finals Could Go 9 Games

Hello interwebs, and welcome back to the Squazzington Post’s ongoing ‘coverage’ of the NBA playoffs. With both of the Conference finals series now completed, we can finally turn our attention to the Finals matchup between the defending champion Miami Heat and the ‘best team of the last 15 years’, the San Antonio Spurs (to the Lakers fans, who I know are going to flip, going through 6 coaches and missing the playoffs a few times in there takes you out of the running).

This wasn’t necessarily the matchup that ABC/ESPN may have wanted when the playoffs started, since a Heat-Thunder rematch was almost guaranteed to be a ratings bonanza, but the injury of OKC’s Russell Westbrook and the way the Spurs cleaned out the Western Conference (two series sweeps out of three played) assures us that the process won out, and that these are in fact the best two teams in the league.

It may not be the glamour rematch that everyone wanted, but storylines still abound in this series, perhaps even more than a Thunder-Heat finals would have had. Will Lebron James, who famously promised Miami fans after his signing, “not two, not three, not four, not five, not six, not seven [championships]”, be able to take a second NBA trophy to South Beach? Will Tim Duncan, sitting on four championship rings already, finally get one for the thumb? Will Miami’s “Big 3” finally silence the haters with back-to-back titles, and which of these two teams’ “Big 3” will cement their lasting legacy? Was Dwyane Wade’s Game 7 against Indiana in the ECF’s for real and his playoff swoon an aberration or the other way around? Can Lebron extract revenge for the absolute mauling that the Spurs put on his Cleveland team in the 2007 Finals? Is Chris Bosh going to wake up in time for this series? Can anybody find San Antonio on a map yet?

We called it even odds in the Heat-Pacers series after the Heat’s Game 4 loss, and we looked pretty smart on that call til Game 7, when Indiana got blown out. To walk our way through this series we’re going to examine in detail the matchups that are going to mean the most, from the starting line-ups all the way down to Gatorade boys (well, maybe not that detailed).

Starting 5’s: Casual basketball fans might not be thrilled that we’re not getting a Kevin Durant-Lebron rematch, but the folks with anything more than fluff between their ears are salivating at the quality of basketball that is potentially going to be played in this series. These two teams look very different on the surface, partially because of how they were put together, but their similarities in style and substance should make for an epic Finals. Between the two teams you’ve got at least six sure-fire Hall of Famers (Tim Duncan, Lebron, Tony Parker, Dwyane Wade, Ray Allen, & Manu Ginobili, who squeaks in on the credit of his great international career. Bosh ain’t close yet). You’ve got two teams that like to get out in transition, play great defense, shoot the proverbial shit-ton of three-pointers, and use a lot of their half-court sets to either put Lebron/Parker in a position to do something amazing.

There are two real big matchups to watch here: the first is at point guard, after the Spurs’ Parker was looking like a MVP candidate as he sliced and diced his way first through Chris Paul, then Steph Curry, and then Mike Conley on his way to the Finals. The Heat and PG Mario Chalmers are going to have to figure out some way to effectively guard Parker on his favored pick-and-rolls without having to send help off of all the shooters San Antonio has, or off Duncan and Tiago Splitter on the block for that matter. People may remember the slow, plodding team that the Spurs were back in the David Robinson-Duncan heyday, but today they are a team fully capable of driving, dishing, and dropping 110 on anybody on any given night.

The second key matchup is wherever the hell Lebron is on the court. Everyone talks about Lebron like he is the greatest player in the world. Well he is, there’s no other way of putting it. The man almost accidently has a near triple-double almost every game, passing, defending, shooting, and rebounding at ridiculous rates. Most players will give you an “oh my god” moment every game or so, but Lebron seems to deliver one in every quarter. Second-year Spurs forward Kawhi Leonard is going to have his sizable hands full (I mean just look at this vid, its unreal) with Lebron throughout the series, but the King is still going to get his 28-9-8. And do some spectacular things while he’s at it, that you can bank. Anyone who watched the Indiana series and saw this tirade knows just how serious Lebron is about winning a second championship and further exorcising his ‘Decision’ demons. About his desire to beat the Spurs, Lebron said on Wednesday that, “I have something in me that they took in ‘07; beat us on our home floor, celebrated on our home floor. I won’t forget that. You shouldn’t as a competitor. You should never forget that.”

The real question is whether or not Lebron can expect anything out of Dwyane Wade and Chris Bosh in this series after their less-than-spectacular showing in the last round. Wade notched only his second game above twenty points through these playoffs in the conference-clinching Game 7 on Monday, and Bosh has now recorded four straight single-digit scoring games. It’s fairly evident that Bosh, the power forward who thinks he’s a shooting guard, will not have to physically struggle with Timmy and Splitter on the defensive end in the same way he did Hibbert/West in the last round, leading one to think that he might have an easier time of it in the Finals. Fair enough. Wade looked half gassed, half uninterested, and half genuinely creaky throughout the seven-game throwdown against Indiana, which should really really scare Miami fans. Basically this series can tip on this point: Wade has to show up, or the “Big 3” really might be done for, short term and legacy-wise.

Lebron and Tony Parker are plus players on whatever matchup gets thrown at them, though maybe Spoelstra could have Lebron guard Parker on all the pick-and-roll action the Spurs run, imagining his Heat’s blitzkrieg-scramble defense disrupting Parker’s rhythm and reads off of screens (not likely, unless it gets ugly quickly for Chalmers/Norris Cole v. Parker). If Bosh can not be so scared of the damn paint (likely) against Duncan & Splitter (ok, we’ll get back to you on that), him plus Udonis Haslem 15-footers & Birdman bunnies might just play the Spurs’ frontline even. This series, though likely to be highlighted by great play from the aformentioned All-Stars and such, could swing on whether Dwyane Wade or Manu Ginobili shows up for their respective teams. We’ve covered Wade’s travails, but Ginobili wasn’t exactly spectacular in either of the Spurs’ last two playoff series. Though MANUUUUUUU (‘scuse me) comes of the bence, he pretty much plays starter minutes (mostly) for the Spurs.

ADVANTAGE: Purely on the ‘best player theory’ concerning Lebron James, the Heat.

Bench: The Spurs have a bunch of gunners, Manu splitting minutes with Danny Green, and the rolly-polly that is masquerading as Boris Diaw on their bench, while the Heat have a bunch of old creaky gunners, Birdman splitting minutes with Haslem, and “good (tall) guy, no game” player in Joel Anthony on theirs. Plus whatever Norris Cole or Cory Joseph is giving you. If Ray Allen and Shane Battier get outshot by Gary Neal and the “Red Rocket” Matt Bonner, the Heat are in trouble again, but I think this is pretty much even.

ADVANTAGE: Even. Oh, and Rashard Lewis might get a ring out of this series. Can you hear the Orlando Magic fans howling, Miami?

Coaches: Greg Popovich aka the most unfuzzy (and brilliant) head coach this side of Bill Belichick over the last 15 years vs. anyone is a mismatch. Spoelstra done a great job in Miami and deserves kudos for the “positionless” way Miami played in the regular season (during which many people said they had revolutionized the game), but Pop has been sitting around for 9 days with reams of video of Indiana’s West and Hibbert KILLING Miami in the paint and generally disrupting the shit out Miami’s rhythm, history and four rings says you gotta take Pop.

ADVANTAGE: Spurs

Intangibles: The series the Heat just wrapped up with Indiana showed just how hard it is to string together a winning streak against pretty good opposition over the course of a week (sorry, Memphis is an exception to the rule). And instead of starting out the series with two games in Miami, then two in San Antonio, then the next three games (if necessary) alternating between the two cities like in previous rounds of the playoffs, the Finals home court advantage goes 2-3-2, with the last two games in Miami. Miami’s home court advantage is huge in this series, because history shows us that its extremely difficult for the away to string together three straight wins in those sandwich games during a series like this.

San Antonio, despite being a small market team, has great fans who fill the arena night in and night out with passion and noise. The notoriously tardy Miami fans fill their arena night in and night out with contrived ‘Seven Nation Army’ chants and terribly fugly fleather shirts (I mean really).

Miami is famous as the backdrop of “Scarface”, for its great beaches, and being the home of incredibly fat rappers. San Antonio is famous for a 19th-century fort (the Alamo), the Spurs, and… yeah, thats all I got on San Antonio.

ADVANTAGE: San Antonio, mainly because I think Justin Bieber looks foolish. And wasn’t he a Lakers fan like just a few months ago?

Final(s) Prediction: This series is about as big of a crap-shoot as we’ve seen in the last few years, mainly because of all the great players that are in the series with so much to play for, and partially because we have no idea what the Heat are going to get out of Bosh & Wade over the course of 4-7 games. Considering the expected reemergence of the Thunder and Dwight Howard’s potential move to Houston making the Western Conference even more tough and even more deep, this might be the Spurs last real window for a big sentimental Timmy/Popovich championship-winning send off, while Lebron & the Heat have to repeat their title simply to shush their detractors for another three months til next season starts.

With Bosh & Wade looking shaky and his legacy in real danger (Jordan never lost in the Finals, even once) I’m expecting a transcendant performance from Lebron James in this series, but if the rest of the Heat, outside of Haslem & Birdman, continue to shoot poorly, Lebron’s going to wear himself down even more than in the Indiana series, and the Heat might really be in real trouble. I’m gonna have to go with the Heat in seven games of well-coached, knock-down, drag-em-out basketball. And its going to be great. Wish it could go eight or nine games.

TTFN

[thesquazzingtonpost]

The Squazz Post’s Most Anticipated Games of (the rest of) 2013! (part 4/ 5)

#2 Grand Theft Auto V

Developer: Rockstar North

Platform: PS3, Xbox 360

Release Date: 9/17/13

Here's a no-brainer. The long-running Grand Theft Auto series is back this fall with number five, and this one's looking bigger and better than ever. Rockstar's pulling out all the stops with this one--The newest installment of GTA will take place in Los Santos, a fictional mirror image of modern day Los Angeles, intricately rendered in a gorgeously refreshed edition of Rockstar's signature RAGE engine and the city in its entirety will be larger than all of the worlds of its most recent predecessors combined. You read that correctly—Los Santos will be larger than the worlds of Grand Theft Auto: San Andreas, Grand Theft Auto IV and Red Dead Redemption all rolled up into one, piping hot southern faux-Californian urban sprawl. Who's up for a road trip?

When I saw the first trailers and screenshots for Grand Theft Auto V about a year ago, I didn't have the jump-out-of-your-seat reaction die-hard fans of the series undoubtedly had. Yeah, it was a new GTA with a new location and plenty of action and humor, but the series has done this about six times before. What was Rockstar going to do to shake things up? Thankfully, as news and tidbits of info have been released from Rockstar, it looks like Grand Theft Auto V is going to be the biggest leap forward the franchise has taken since the transition from the top-down chaos of Grand Theft Auto I and II to the 3D open world of Grand theft Auto III.

Taking a page from the success of GTA IV's two downloadable installments The Lost and The Damned and The Ballad of Gay Tony which introduced two additional playable characters into the tangled web of Niko Bellic's Liberty City odyssey, Rockstar is introducing a triumvirate of playable characters right out of the gate. For the first time in franchise history, Grand Theft Auto V will put the player in control of three individuals from diverse areas of Los Santos.

  Each of the characters have their own goals and motivations that will guide them as they end up teaming up through a series of ill-conceived heists. While we don't know the entirety of each character's back story just yet, Rockstar has introduced us to each character by way of three unique trailers. There's Michael, the jaded family man who seems to have enjoyed the spoils of success in Los Santos, but is nevertheless facing a mid-life crisis and hungers for a nice, old-fashioned adrenaline rush. On the other end of things, there's Franklin, a gang-banger stuck in the hood who resorts to hustling with the hopes of getting out and buying one of the houses on the hill one day. Finally, there's Trevor. I get the sense that Rockstar doesn't really want us to know what's going on with this guy, because he seems absolutely insane. An apparent meth-head and drug runner, Trevor's a mad dog with self-proclaimed abandonment issues, and should serve as the team's wildcard.

   With a compelling cast of characters with diverse interests and motivations set in a sprawling open world with endless opportunities for quickly raising the wanted level to 5 stars, it is clear Rockstar's bringing something brand new to the table with Grand Theft Auto 5. Rockstar North hasn't reinvented the wheel here—they've hijacked it, sent it to the chop shop, and rebuilt it from the bottom up to see how they could pimp it out. It's amazing see what they've done with it so far, and it'll be exciting to see what other surprises Rockstar will drop on us in the coming weeks leading up to E3.

Squazzplepros: 

-Big, big, big open world. Seriously. Biiiiig.

-Three diverse characters with different motivations and interests coming together for a slew of heists. Ocean, meet Michael, Franklin, and Trevor.

-New motion and facial capture animation technology makes Grand Theft Auto V look like it will be the most charasimatic and emotionally engaging GTA yet.

Squazzlecons: 

-Big is usually better, but how will Rockstar utilize the substantially larger universe of Grand Theft Auto V? Let's hope there's plenty of side missions to complete, and more importantly—a way to easily get around.

-Grand Theft Auto IV has undoubtedly cemented its position as a classic for this console generation, but at times, it suffered from repetition and all-too-similar side missions. Here's to hoping that Rockstar has plenty of new ideas beside the usual package deliveries and gang interventions.

-There has still been no mention from Rockstar of an online component for GTA V. Keep your eyes peeled at E3 for competitive multiplayer—or perhaps an Infamous 2-esque level builder.

[thesquazzingtonpost]

Even Odds in Indianapolis, All’s Quiet on the Western Front, and the Coaching-Sweepstakes Lollygag

Good afternoon and hello again from the crack speculative reporting team of the Squazzington Post’s esteemed sports division. Last time around on the domestic circuit we brought you a NBA Playoff preview that we shall only make three short points about: 1) Patrick Beverley, in the pursuit of a reasonable basketball play, irrevocably changed the storyline of these playoffs by injuring Russell Westbrook, also exposing the Thunder as a scarily flawed team under their All-World veneer in the process. 2) The three writers employed for the previous NBA playoff preview have been summarily and publicly punished for their silly-looking (and quite wrong) picks. 3) we shall not speak of it ever again.

We failed again to post an instant response to a big sports moment after the Indiana Pacers Eastern Conference Finals series-evening win over the Miami Heat last night, but we like to think we sacrifice expediency for measured quality. Pbbhhhtttttt. Anyways, there are two things we want to really emphasize about the Heat-Pacers series so far (tied up at 2-2 and heading to Miami for game 5 on Thursday night).

First thing is that Roy Hibbert has already probably earned every cent of the contract given to him last summer by the Pacers to match Portland’s qualifying offer, a contract that’s going to average out to about $15 mil/year for the next three years. Some at the time were scratching their heads, But 7’ 2” centers with great defense, decent footwork, nice little go-to post moves, soft touch and what is now a grown man’s frame (he’s only 26, prime get-him-before-the-wheels-fall-off big man age) are HARD TO FIND. The same goes for David West as well, who was a steal from the New Orleans Pelicans (RIP Hornets), though West is a different character, masquerading as a bruising bowling ball of a power forward who has knocked over every spindly stretch-4 Spoelstra has thrown at him.

Hibbert has put up big numbers in both of the Pacers wins, partially because nobody that E.Spo is gonna put on the court can guard him, but mostly because nobody that the Heat would put on him, all the way down to Juan Howard in his suit, could guard him. This rings all the more true especially now that Chris Bosh looks like the match-up is beating the living crap out of him and Lebron has to keep guarding either Paul George or David West. Did anybody think they’d see the day when they looked at this Heat team and said, holy schniekeys, this team may be outgunned. In the two Indiana victories, their starting five had basically the same stat line, with Hibbert and West combining for nearly 40 in each game, George Hill putting in a steady 18 & 19, and Paul George (hot in game one) and Stephenson (bullish in game 2) getting 22 and 20 points for themselves as single-game highs between the two games. Whoda thunk it.

Second: Lebron James either has to simply score 15 points in the post every night like in Game 3, drain some threes, get some steals and athletic blow-bys on his way to 40 for at least the next two games, or someone on the Heat other than the god-damn Birdman needs to hit some shots. We’re looking at you Mario Chalmers and very fragile-looking Dwayne Wade. But on the flip side we have to pause and think on how many times have we heard those exact same cries from the media about this Heat team for the last three years. They shot a pedestrian 39% from the field last night, had their best player foul out on the most inane and asinine last-minute refereeing call I’ve seen in a while, and got eaten up on the boards in the fourth quarter. Sure it got stretched out to a seven point victory once Lebron left the floor, but the Heat were right in this game to the last, so don’t count them out.

Lebron-haters will have fun with this one, because one game after he killllllled Indiana in the post en route to a needed away win, he didn’t even get close to the paint in the fourth quarter, though the argument can be made that he facilitates better late in games from the top. And about that sixth foul. There were honestly (and we looked at the tape, thanks internet) at least three other instances of ‘illegal screens’ in the last three minutes of that game, two of which would have resulted in fifth fouls for David West and Paul George (who, like Lebron, had been assessed a technical as well).

Its absurd that referees feel the need to make calls like this in the final seconds of a very important playoff game. Not only is it frustrating as a fan to see the greatest player in the world, who had just hit a wing 3-pointer to bring the Heat back into it, foul out on such a ticky-tack play, but it just damages the brand of the sport itself, boring the tears out of the average non-fan and making for even more fodder for the global sports conspiracy theorists to blather on about Tim Donaghy and whatever else we’re peddlin’ these days. The real problem is that the NBA made their rulebook all about the subjectivity of the referees, from the bully-boy antics of the 80’s and the never-travel hey-days of Allen Iverson up to the silliness that is today’s anti-flopping initiative. Since the rules have always been unclear and at the discretion of the refs, calls like this can happen, but it truly sucks that that sort of call can swing a game so easy on a big stage.

If the refs can chill out for a game or two and the rest of the Heat line-up remembers that they’re in the playoffs, I think the Heat will be ok, even if they do get pushed to seven games. But if Chris Bosh continues to take a beating and starts to favor that ankle he tweaked in game 4, and if Dwyane Wade continues to play passive, the young Pacers might just cause a summer frenzy with a new ‘beat the Heat’ model.

Waiting on the results of the Eastern Conference Finals are the San Antonio Spurs, who harried Memphis into a surprisingly quick and somewhat ignominious end. While the Grizzlies certainly earn plaudits for setting a franchise record for wins and getting to the conference finals, this series really felt like a let-down after they had dispatched the Clippers & Oklahoma City (albeit both hobbled teams) so simply to advance. In the end the Tony Parker and the legion of shooters in the silver & black (with a lil’ Timmy and Thiago Splitter haunting Zach Randolph’s dreams… I can see it now, Z-Bo, dribbling his marshmallow basketball, working a seven-foot shadow with creaky knees down to the block, turning for his patented flat-footed hook shot, and BLAM! WEAKSIDE HELP FROM ANOTHER 7-footer, Z-Bo wakes up gasping, a la KD and Wade in that Gatorade commercial… Another thought on that: If the Heat get past the Heat, can you imagine what Greg Popovich is cooking up with at least six games of film to go through, nine days to look at it in, and three, THREE! 7-footers with legendary-to-decent post skills on his front line? Sheesh)

So the Spurs await the winner of Heat-Pacers, and if those two are going to duke it out for at least another two games the way they have the first four, I have to think the Spurs might be a favorite in the Finals, even if the Heat are the defending champions. Tony Parker absolutely killed the Grizzlies with four back-to-back master performances, and with more than a week of rest they can do everything this team could want, from getting Manu primed (he’s reeaalll hot-and-cold sometimes) to getting Timmy and Parker’s calf absolutely as much rest as they need to rest. Its a long break, and sometimes that can hurt teams in Game 1 (ref: Heat v. Bulls), but one would suspect that it usually means they are in better shape over the long haul of another 7-game series.

And speaking of which, this break in the Spurs schedule has made time for the Atlanta Hawks to first interview and then hire long-time head assistant coach Mike Budenholzer. Budenholzer is the third new head coach to be introduced this week, and all three of them have been head assistants on for winning franchises over the last couple of seasons. Steve Clifford moves from the Lakers second seat to the trap-door in Charlotte, while former Suns player and Jazz assistant Jeff Hornacek was tapped by Phoenix for the revamp they need. Of the three hires (and the MIlwaukee job likely to be taken by former Atlanta coach Larry Drew or Houston assistant Kelvin Sampson in the next couple of days), I like Atlanta’s nabbing of Budenholzer, who some said might one day succeed Popovich on the Spurs’ throne. But for now he’ll have a ton of cap space and a bare-bones roster to build with a man in Danny Ferry who he’s familiar with (and coached as well). The other two jobs are reclamation projects, and as Michael Jordan has shown, he’s not afraid to bring down the axe on whoever it is charged with making his absurd draft picks look like a team.

Anyways, thats all for now. Enjoy and follow us on Facebook or Twitter @Squazzpost

[thesquazzingtonpost]

The Squazz Post’s Most Anticipated Games of (the rest of) 2013! (part 3/ 5)

#3   Beyond: Two Souls

Developer: Quantic Dream

Platform: PS3

Release Date: 10/08/2013

When Beyond: Two Souls debuted at last year's E3, it was a show-saver for me. In a somewhat dry Sony press conference, Beyond: Two Souls was the only game that wasn't previously announced that utterly blew me away. A year ago, we were given a teaser of a beautifully-rendered motion-captured Ellen Page with mysterious telekinetic powers essentially going HAM on a bunch of government agents and blowing shit up. Even without any real gameplay footage or revealing information about the game's story, the incredibly realistic facial animations and character interactions that has become a staple for Heavy Rain developer Quantic Dream instantly put Beyond: Two Souls on my radar.

Fast forward a year, and we have slowly been fed info and exciting videos from Quantic Dream to give us bite-sized clues about the mysterious game leading up to its undoubted second E3 appearance and eventual release for the PS3. While we still don't have a complete view of the game's core narrative, we know that the game will follow Jodie Holmes, a troubled young woman who finds herself tied to a paranormal entity known as Aiden who grants her unique telekinteic abilities, but also controls part of her being (hence, the Two Souls bit). Her powerful abilities force her into a life of suffering, apparently involving a childhood psychotherapy shenanigans, the CIA, enlistment into some kind of black ops program, horseback chases on wide-open mesas, attempted suicide, the afore-mentioned shit-ton of explosions, and homelessness.

Yeah. This game looks daaaaaaark.

This is not much of a revelation granted that the game is coming from the developer of the sob-worthy games Indigo Prophecy (known as Farenhet in EU) and Heavy Rain, but Quantic Dream seems to be kicking the emotional impact up to eleven with this gem (Squazzpost is recommending our readers to BUY NOW on shares of Kleenex and Ben & Jerry's). With powerful mo-cap performances from Ellen Page, and drumroll please—Willem DaFoe, Beyond: Two Souls is bravely venturing into uncharted territory of video game storytelling. In a recent 35-minute long in-depth preview of the game, Quantic Dream shows off the gameplay system for Beyond (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JuDNpGvmGCQ), which is not unlike the quick time event driven gameplay of Heavy Rain. By controlling the movements, dialogue, and subtle mannerisms of Jodie Holmes, the player will form a strong connection with the character, not unlike the bond between her and Aiden, which the player will seemingly control through first person actions. This dynamic gameplay mechanic brings a lot of opportunity for the player to develop an emotional bond with the character of Jodie Holmes and will make it all the more challenging when faced with a quick time decision when Jodie puts a pistol to her chin and her finger tightly on the trigger.

Squazzplepros: 

-Amazing facial animations from a talented hollywood cast brought to you from the breakthrough development team who made it a thing in the first place.

-Interactive gameplay that puts you in the mind of a young girl struggling with an insane amount of power and losing her marbles should create a new standard for emotional connections between in-game characters and players.

-Willem Da-Goddamn-Foe.

Squazzlecons: 

- As stated in the love-it or hate-it reviews from Heavy Rain, quick time event-driven gameplay can be a mixed bag, and often complicates the game's narrative and replayability . Let's hope Quantic Dream can tighten this one up and make it an intense emotional experience and fun to play again and again.

-We've seen a nice chunk of gameplay where the player controls Jodie's actions and decisions, but we've only seen a little bit of Aiden, the second half of the Two Souls. We're still waiting on some footage showing how the two gameplay mechanics will come together cohesively.

-This game is fo-shizz one of the darkest games I've ever seen, homeskillet. Let's hope we get some Sunny D-sippin' mad ill verbage-droppin' classic Ellen Page in there somewhere.

[thesquazzingtonpost]

Happy Trails Purple Nose, Howdy ‘Do to Angry Eyes

So Manchester United's Sir Alex Ferguson retired on Wednesday, and I think I speak for a lot of people who sport blue shirts when they root for a Premier League team (and red shirts of a different stripe for that matter) when I say: Good riddance. Jokingly of course. But only partially. Mostly not partially.

“Fergie”, as he was affectionately called by the United faithful, took 13 Premier League trophies to the Theatre in the Swamp during his tenure at the club from 1986 til yesterday, as well as five FA Cups, four League Cups, and oh yeah, two Champions League titles. And in the intervening 14 years between those record-number Premier League titles, Manchester United finished in the top three in the table another 10 times. The man has won 49 major team trophies of different shapes and sizes over his career (counting his Scottish League days with St. Mirren and Aberdeen of course), all the while stamping and shouting petulantly at referees, jumping aimlessly around after big goals like a newborn donkey, tossing and kicking sharp objects at his team members, and chewing enough gum to help the entirety of the United Stated quit cigarettes.

In that span of time (27 years) my own team of rooting interest, Manchester City, finished in the top three of the English top-tier table twice. City did manage to finish in the top three of their respective division five times, it was only because the team was relegated an equal number of times (all the way down to the third division in 1998) and went through an incredible 14 managers in that stretch.

So you might be able to understand my own personal mumbled ‘hallelujah’ after the man had been threatening to retire for years, the man who had lorded over the evil empire of the red-clad bandwagon-hoppers and Ronaldo-lovers (then vehement haters) finally retired. Even after his original golden generation of Hughes, Ince and Cantona left in the mid-90s he kept banging on, winning with youngsters like Beckham and Butt who became the next golden generation, kids who elevated the club to European glory. Giggs and Scholes are old enough now to be the current youngsters fathers, but the same tune keeps playing. Fergie also has shown down the years that he knows a thing or two about poaching useful, title-winning players every once in awhile from unsuspecting and bean-headed clubs (COUGH* ARSE-NAL* COUGH).

Even in the 00s, when Ronaldo left and Rooney was threatening to, he kept on winning, and even after my beloved City famously ‘knocked them off their perch’ last season, United came back on this campaign with a vengeance and tacked another league title to the wall for record 20th time. This was a fitting season for the man to go out on, as this team showed some small cross-section of nearly all of the things about Sir Alex previous teams that made them league-winners year in and year out. Winning with youth, hunger, pride, last minute winners in patented “Fergie time” (time frequently accorded to United well past extra extra time, especially if they need a goal) creaky old men, another ‘fragile’ Dutch striker, and of course, the combative Scotsman jumping up and down on the touchline.

After the small surprise that Ferguson was riding off into the sunset, an even smaller surprise was announced earlier today when it was revealed that Everton manager and frown-master David Moyes would replace Sir Alex after this season, as many had been expecting would be the case after Mark Hughes, Roy Keane, and Steve Bruce (all former EPL managers with big-time United roots) blew their big managerial chances in the past couple of seasons. Moyes meanwhile has solidified Everton as a top-six club, basically keeping Everton at an even-keel, quite the feat once you consider the recent fates of other former top-4 challengers like Leeds, Newcastle, and even Liverpool. His detractors will point out that he hasn’t actually won any trophies, something Ol’ Purple Nose (as fans like I ‘affectionately’ call him) had managed to do before taking over at United. That aside, Moyes’ teams have always had a fire and an ethic to them that spoke magnitudes about their coaching, and even on shoestring budgets they manage to take a few swings at the big boys every few years. Ferguson had reportedly been a sort of mentor to Moyes as he came up in the game, and United fans will be happy with how the transfer of power from one obnoxiously cantankerous Scot to another morbidly cantankerous Scot goes (Just have a look at how Moyes likes to celebrate his team’s goals. Now thats fire. Damnitall).

A few might grumble that Moyes’ teams play to defensive a game sometimes, and that he doesn’t exactly have a deft touch with firing the offensive part of his team to title-winning heights. Only Yakubu and Louis Saha have scored more than 11 league goals for Everton while Moyes has been in charge, while Ferguson’s counter-attacking and free-flowing teams have produced at least one 20-goal scorer for five of the last six seasons. This is partially due to the sheer difference in the skill sets of the two squads, but United fans might have to sit through a settling down period at some point in the season until he really finds his rhythm as a big-time manager. It will also be interesting to see how he gets along with former Everton prodigy Wayne Rooney, who apparently submitted his second transfer request in three seasons a few weeks ago.

All this is pretty heavy stuff to come down before the season ended, and it is truly a sad day when any sport says goodbye to an absolute legend, manager or player. I’d have to say though (unfortunately) that the Moyes appointment looks like a really solid move by United, much to many other clubs’ chagrin.

The end of the Premier League season still needs doing, but since the title race is done and the sight of the three bougie London clubs trying not to trip over themselves for third and fourth places is excruciating, the crack team at the Squazzington Post has got its eyes on the bottom of the Premier League table as well as at the Championship playoff games for the third EPL promotion spot for these last few weeks. After years of just avoiding the drop out of the lucrative stadia of the Premier League, Wigan might finally be at the end of their rope after dropping a weekday game to Swansea City. the 3-2 loss put them three points back of Newcastle, Norwich, and Sunderland (all on 38 points) with two games to play, meaning they’re going to need more than the normal sort of sports miracle to get out of the relegation zone. Newcastle and Norwich have cement-blocked themselves to the bottom of the table, but the Squazz Post’s dislike of pint-sized, somewhat-facist, screaming loonies makes us wonder if Sunderland’s last two games against fellow strugglers Southampton and Champions League-starved Tot’nem (there, now we can all say it correctly) could spell doom for them. Thats if Wigan can string two together against similarly desperate opposition in Arsenal and Aston Villa.

While Cardiff City and Hull City have already secured at least one season of Premier League tv-deal riches, there is one last promotion spot still up for grabs. On the outside looking up from the Championship play-off places are Watford, Crystal Palace and Leicester City, all eyeing a return to the Premier League, as well as Brighton & Hove Albion, them of Gus Poyet, Wayne Bridge’s loan deal and a massively open home field. Albion is trying to reach the EPL for the first time, but the playoffs are certainly the more difficult route to take for promotion hopefuls. The Squazz Post loves a Cinderella story, and Brighton had the stingiest defense in the division, so we’ll be looking for them to do well on the big stage of their two-legged tie this weekend against Crystal Palace (another fashionable team to pick for promotion, but one that will be lacking one of its stars after Wilfred Zaha departs this summer) and later on the even bigger (and more profitable) stage of the Wembley play-off final.

toodle-pip

[thesquazzingtonpost]

A Drinking Tale Straight Out of Africa

Now this travel story is unlikely to have the same colorful imagery (lulz -Ed.) from the last one, but I’ll try compensating with a thesaurus to make the words sound real pulchritudinous (pretty). And in case you were wondering, well over half of the alcohol-serving establishments, at least from what I saw, are named after either Obama or Jesus Christ.

A few summers ago while in school, I took a trip across the water to Ghana. On my last day of work as a fourth grade teacher in a local school, I arrived early enough in the morning to play a little soccer in the schoolyard with some of the kids from my class. The field was composed of small tufts of grass in what essentially felt like a massive sandbox, with crumbling bricks left over from an abandoned construction project serving as the goal posts. The school was made of seemingly damaged bricks with rotting wood shutters for the windows, and doors similar to those on an old barn. It was on the right side of the field, so we were careful not to kick the ball in that direction.

After about ten minutes of playing (in which my team lost by 3 to a group of unbelievably talented fourth and fifth graders), an older student beat the drums sitting outside the headmaster’s room to signal an assembly in the field for the morning prayer and recitation of the Ghana national anthem. As the teachers were conducting this, one of the administrators quickly ushered me to a seat with some of the others outside my classroom and told me that I would not be teaching today.  Before I knew what was happening, kids had pulled out instruments ranging from the Djembe (a kind of drum) to the Nnawuta (a bell instrument). Each grade had a performance of their own, with some singing, others performing plays that illustrated morals, and some playing instruments to accompany traditional dances. While I was watching, a few of my students pulled me into the dance, and in less than five minutes I was sweating profusely as a result of the constant movement involved, combined with the harsh African sun. By the time we were finished it felt as though I had run five miles. As the show came to a close, the administrators dismissed the students for the day, and took me and the other teachers with them into a room near the front of the school.

The room was completely empty except for a circle of chairs surrounding two coconut shell bowls in the middle of the floor. We were instructed to sit in the chairs and wait for the priest. I assumed the ceremony would be religious, which never really makes me uncomfortable, but the bare quality of the room for some reason gave me an odd feeling. After about five minutes of waiting, I heard the revving of a motorcycle hum to a stop right outside, and peeked out the window to see the man who only answered to “Father.” On first glance, I would never have guessed him to be a priest. Picture an older Lawrence Taylor, except with a darker complexion, large aviators, and wearing a colorful dashiki with jean shorts, and you would have Father.

As he walked in, he carried with him two massive gasoline tanks in each hand, and placed them in the middle of the floor next to the coconut shell bowls. He explained that each tank contained a kind of wine, one millet, the other palm. We were to take a coconut bowl and he would pour the wine into it. After drinking, we would pass the bowl onto the next person. Father opened the tank with the palm wine first, poured himself a bowl, and then chugged it. He then opened the tank with millet wine and quickly downed a bowl of that too. As I watched him swallow the wine, I suddenly remembered an article I had read a while back, about a group in Africa, where if they offered you alcohol, it was seen as an expression of gratitude to chug the drink. Although I’m no Lucille Bluth (excited about May 26th anyone?), I thought I would impress Father and the administrators by at least attempting to down the wine quickly, and show off my cultural know-how.  I was next after him, so he handed me the bowl and poured me a helping of palm wine.  As I put the bowl up to my lips, I took in a breath and started to gulp down the drink. It was surprisingly smooth and incredibly sweet, making it easy to finish in one attempt. When I had finished, I began lowering the bowl and Father immediately filled it with another helping of palm wine. I gathered it was a part of the ritual to drink two bowls, since he had, so not wanting to seem impolite, I chugged the second bowl. Again, as I lowered the bowl from my lips, he immediately poured another helping into it.  Not wanting to seem disrespectful, I continued this for another two bowls until I finally decided I couldn’t keep up with manners, and told him there was no way I could keep going. He asked me why I kept chugging the wine then, and I admitted that I had thought it was a part of the ritual. The entire room began to laugh at me and said that my chugging made them assume I had loved it, which is why I was continuously served the wine. I had enjoyed the wine, but unfortunately drinking so much so quickly meant that in about 20 minutes, I was terribly drunk at eleven in the morning.

In order to avoid my students seeing me quite inebriated, I said my goodbyes to the teachers and snuck out the back to walk home (I would see the students sober the next day, don’t worry).  Between the heat and the alcohol, I decided I needed to sober up so I stopped by the local pub called “Obama Gardens,” and asked for water. This was a terrible decision on my part (surprise, surprise) because as a regular there during my time in Ghana, the vendor gave me water but also a free drink. Not being terribly good at saying no at the moment, I took the drink and finished it before I decided to finally leave so I wouldn’t consume any more alcohol.

I’m not going to go into what happened when I got back home, mostly because I’m sure many of you know what happens after you drink too much too quickly. That being said, I enjoy being able to tell people I drank with a priest, but I will never make the mistake of attempting to be overly polite when it comes to alcohol again.

[thesquazzingtonpost]

The Squazz Post’s Most Anticipated Games of (the rest of) 2013! (part 2/ 5)

#4   Killzone: Shadowfall

  Developer: Guerilla

Platform: PS4

Release Date: TBA

Ok, so technically this one isn't a current-gen title, but I couldn't resist including Killzone: Shadowfall on the list.

Killzone: Shadowfall made its first appearance at Sony's press conference back in February during their official unveiling of the Playstation 4. For any of you who might have tuned in to the exciting, albeit drawn-out event, you might remember that there were quite a few mixed reactions to Sony's presentation. In addition to the long-awaited reveal of the PS4 controller (but no console?), there was huge emphasis on bite-sized independent games and social media integration—which is the next big thing in home console gaming, apparently. Needless to say, many gamers (myself among them) streaming the press conference online started getting a little restless on their couches. Where were the Triple-A games? Where was Sony's big console-selling exclusive?

Kablam. Enter Killzone: Shadowfall, the highly anticipated follow-up to Killzone 3 on the Playstation 3. Taking place 30 years after the events of KZ3, we find ourselves back on Vekta—the human colony introduced in the first Killzone title on PS2—where Helghast refugees have been allowed to resettle after (spoiler alert) the very strange turn at the end of KZ3 that rendered their home planet of Helghan uninhabitable. The Killzone series has always taken a less-than-subtle approach in taking inspiration from Nazi Germany in its design and political themes, and this installment is no different. This time, we're navigating through a Vekta divided—a la East Germany and West Germany during the Cold War—complete with a gigantic futuristic space wall. This conflict of Vektans and crazy orange-eyed Helghast living in close proximity will set the stage for the game's story and protagonist—both of which are yet to be revealed. Let's hope that we'll get to see a lot more of Killzone: Shadowfall at this year's E3 conference, including some updates on how the team at Guerrilla will be enhancing graphics, gameplay, and multiplayer to lead the charge for the PS4. There is no official launch date for the title yet, but the game's director, Herman Hulst, seems confident that Shadowfall will launch alongside the PS4 in time for its holiday 2013 release window.

Squazzplepros: -Returning to Vekta is a sweet way to tie the series back to its roots from the 2004 original Killzone title for PS2

-Impressively vast and intricately rendered landscape gives potential for more open- world gameplay elements

-Multifunctional weapons (urn an assault rifle into a sniper with the push of a button)

Squazzlecons: -The graphics are insanely beautiful—but is this the notorious E3 2005 Killzone 2 'gameplay' presentation all over again? I'll need to see the game in action a bit more to be convinced.

-Why can't the ISA seem to figure out that the Helghast have holographic cloaking devices that allow them to shape-shift into ISA soldiers and blow shit up? Wouldn't 30 years give them enough time to figure out a way to defend against a silly parlor trick?

-What's new? We've seen a lot of the stuff Guerilla showed off in the gameplay preview before, such as the ATAC and the brutal melee system—what else is Guerilla going to introduce to really reinvigorate this franchise?