Love yourself first ;

[In the city that never sleeps] •college student

[zagrebinaa]

[bhronzed]

[earth-roamer]

Winter in Prague, Czech Republic

[thestarsmakelove]

I’ve never felt so lost in life. I feel so low. Like I’m not worthy of anyones love. I know I made so many mistakes but I don’t think I deserve to be treated this way. I don’t think I deserve to be talked to this way. I wish I was stronger. I am so weak.

I feel like I don’t know my place in life. Like I don’t know where I belong. I know I don’t belong in the world. This world has nothing to offer. I need to get closer to God. I need to build my faith to be strong. I am letting this world beat me down.

[thestarsmakelove]

I don’t understand. He says he won’t make a decision now because he’s not happy and he won’t make a decision until he’s in the right state of mind. But if he’s not taking me back when he’s unhappy, imagine when he is happy. Once he feels okay again he’s definitely not going to take me back. He’s gonna say to himself I’m happy now and I’m not going backwards. He also said he doesn’t care if we work out. I already have my answers and I’m just being delusional. Wishful thinking.

I need to respect his decision and I need to move on. He’s never going to take me back. I left thinking I could do better and I already had the best in front of me. I didn’t appreciate it and now it smacked me right in the face. Hard lesson to learn but a much needed one.

[thestarsmakelove]

I didn’t realize how much I miss him calling me baby. I took him for granted and I wish I hadn’t. But as long as he’s happy I’m happy.

[thestarsmakelove]

One day down. And a lifetime to go.

[thestarsmakelove]

I should’ve never came back to New York. I should’ve stayed in Georgia and let him move on. I should’ve never begged for another chance. I was the one that decided to get into another relationship first. How could I even come back and ask for another chance. And now idk what to do. I feel like the right thing to do would be to move back to Georgia. And let everything go. So he could move on in peace. I know he wants to forgive me. But he can’t. It’s too difficult. I’m tired of being so selfish. I’m tired of being so sad. I am just tired.

[thestarsmakelove]

I think the only way I will heal is through writing. Writing down all of my thoughts because it feels like my head is going to explode with all my racing thoughts. I just cried my whole lunch break because I am truly exhausted. I am so hurt. It literally feels like the beginning when I first met him. When I lost my virginity to him and all I did was chase him and all he did was reject me. And I remember that year so clearly because that entire year I spent it crying and feeling so low. Just like i do now. Because of him. Why do I let him treat me like this. Why can’t I just love myself enough to walk away for good. He loves himself now and that’s why he doesn’t care and doesn’t wanna be with me. I need to love myself that much. I’ve been begging God to help me feel peace. Because I am really so tired.

I am attached to him for no good reason. It is my ego. My ego refuses to let go. Instead of just taking my loss and moving on. Why don’t I think I’m good enough to find someone else? Why don’t I believe I’m worthy enough for someone else’s love? I don’t deserve to be punished forever. I messed up badly, yes. But it’s my loss. And I gotta push forward.

Im so mentally drained. God I beg you to please take these feelings away. I will literally do anything to feel peace 😔

[thestarsmakelove]

It really upsets me how he doesn’t expect me to have expectations. Why is it wrong that I did have a plan? Of course my plan was to try and to win him back. Why is that so wrong? And of course I thought that he was eventually going to take me back and marry me. Wasn’t that the point of us trying? Or me trying? To fix what I messed up? And to eventually get married wasn’t that the goal? So why am I getting punished for thinking like that? He said find a therapist so we can figure it out. Wouldn’t anyone think that the goal was to get back together?

But I get it now. I accept it. He’s not taking me back and he doesn’t see a future with me and doesn’t wanna marry me. I get that. But this is also why I needed to set boundaries. If I keep seeing him I’m never going to completely let go. He still wants me to be there for him. I can do that. From a distance. I gotta take care of my feelings too. If I keep seeing him I’m gonna put it in my head that we’re trying and that we’re going to get back together. I don’t wanna give myself that false hope anymore. So I need to keep my distance.

I am tired. So drained. So sad. I don’t wanna feel like this anymore. I don’t think I’ve ever felt so tired in my life.

[thestarsmakelove]

His love was so innocent, pure and so genuine. I think what scares me is that I might not find that ever again. And I don’t think I will. Not because I don’t deserve it but because people don’t love like that anymore. Everyone is so worried about themselves. They’re so consumed by selfishness. And I took him for granted. What makes me sad is that he feels he might never love like that again. Like he needs to have this guard up now that might never come down. It makes me sad for him. Love is the only thing that keeps this insane world from completely falling apart and we need more of it. We’re already lacking it so much in the world and that’s why this world is full of negativity. I do pray and hope that he meets a girl that helps him to believe in love again. That heals the wounds I caused. That will make me happy. Because then everything that happened would have been all worth it.

I no longer blame myself for everything. The therapist was right. We messed up the relationship in our own ways. But I don’t want to put blame on anyone anymore. I’m going to face the consequences of my choices. I understand why he doesn’t take me back. I don’t think I would take me back either honestly. So I get it. I will hold my head high. Even though I messed up so badly I have to learn. I can’t make the same mistakes and treat someone like that ever again. I will be a little more gentle with peoples hearts. Including my own.

[thestarsmakelove]

This time will be focused on me and me only. I really don’t care to be with anyone at the time. And I hope, truly hope I meet someone someday.

I really thought I’d be married and have at least one baby by now. But life is weird and unexpected like that. Nothing is ever how we plan. It does make me sad that I might never be a mom though. I always wanted to be.

But for now I’ll take this time to be a better me. To make better choices. To learn and to grow. To learn to love those around me a little better. To treat them better. To be less selfish. And to grow closer to God. Truthfully I was tired of sinning. Now I’m making a vow to God and to myself to not sin. I want to make Him happy and proud of my choices. And even if I don’t meet anyone, I know that God will always be there and I will never be alone. 🙏🏼

[remanence-of-love]

[thestarsmakelove]

I am tired. Emotionally. Physically. Spiritually. I wish I would’ve never met you honestly. I wish I didn’t get involved with you again. I wish I never met you in the first place. I wish I would’ve just kept on walking on April 15, 2013. I will forever hate that date. You came into my life and for no good reason.

I am so so tired.

I never have to see you again. I never have to hear from you again. You never wanted to get back with me. You were just getting back at me for leaving you. And for what? You weren’t faithful the entire relationship. Why am I the only one at fault for it failing. We both are. But I am tired of the blame game. I just want to forget. Forget you. Forget I ever met you. Forget your name.

You used me and you know it. It was just part of your little revenge you wanted to get on me. I hope it makes you happy and hope you can sleep well at night. It’s over.

And I’m done.

[thestarsmakelove]

Love is patient and kind. Love is not jealous. It does not brag, does not get puffed up, 5 does not behave indecently, does not look for its own interests, does not become provoked. It does not keep account of the injury. 6 It does not rejoice over unrighteousness, but rejoices with the truth. 7 It bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. Love never fails.

I think these might be my favorite Bible verses in the entire Bible. True love doesn’t fail. And if it failed then it wasn’t true.

I keep trying to remember these lines so I can live by them. So I can practice them. And so when I meet the person I’m supposed to be with I won’t forget them.

Love isn’t perfect but it shouldn’t be hard. I want to let go because it’s for the best. We don’t see eye to eye. We never did. That was our downfall.

When we first met we did things your way. That failed. Then you gave me what I wanted which was a relationship and that failed. We’re failing now because we still can’t compromise. It’s either your way or my way and we’re both so hard headed we don’t compromise. And we’re still failing. I see the pattern now. Love is sacrifice. But with the hope that the sacrifice will all be worth it.

I deserve someone that respects me, loves me, trusts me, that doesn’t crave the attention of other females as much as you do.

You deserve someone that meets your needs, someone that you trust, someone that didn’t break your heart, someone that’s going to piece your heart back together.

Are we really for each other when we can’t do that for one another? It takes two. Two people need to want the relationship. Two people need to want to make it work. Two people putting in the same amount of effort. It didn’t work the first time because you were the one keeping the relationship together. I wasn’t putting in the effort. If I’m the only one putting in the effort now, it’s not going to work. We both should see that by now.

I love writing things down cus I can see things a little more clearly. I wanna let go so we can both make room for what’s to come. I wanna let go so I can make peace with myself and my choices. I wanna let go so you can allow yourself the chance to meet someone too. It’s easier said than done but it has to be done.

I know I can be a bit overbearing with what I want. But it’s because I know what I want. And if we can’t give each other what we want then we need to allow ourselves the chance to find that. We shouldn’t hold each other back. It’s selfish. It’s not love. Let’s appreciate what we had. The good, the bad, the ugly, the beauty in what we had. And with the promise that no matter who comes into our lives, we will always remember each other fondly. With love.

[goldcoasthoney]

[thestarsmakelove]

As sad as I am that we’re not ending up together, I picture you in your wedding and I smile. I know you’re going to look so handsome and I’m sure she’s going to look beautiful in her dress. I know the wedding is going to be beautiful. I think she is the right one for you. Your family likes her and she’s a good girl and she cares for you. I promise you you’re going to fall for her. Why wouldn’t you. I’m certain about that. I do wish you the best. I hope you have a loving, healthy and beautiful family together. I don’t wanna be ego driven anymore. I want you to be happy. And I know you are. The selfish in me wants you to take me back. But I’m learning to not be selfish anymore. I did that enough. May God be present during your marriage at all times. May God bless you and your wife.