vibing with my mind

this is a page for me to get better at writing. my therapist said i should so here we go

[thestoriesimayneverwrite]

i Cant do this

TW/////

March 25th 2018                4:16 pm

It’s been a month since i had last posted. It’s bad today. It’s 4:16 and i am crying already.

I want to live my life freely, is that to hard to ask, it is like i cannot breathe properly.i think about dying everyday. though, i wont go through with it, i think of a world without me here. Yes, it would upset a few people but they’ll get over it. 

I cannot eat, my body is trying to hollow itself out, i have no appetite, i cannot breathe, i feel sick, i want to shrivel up. please don’t do this to me.

I am always sad, any given time of the day, i lie to the people i love, telling them i’m okay, i am not okay, i am never going to be okay. I feel like disappearing, running away, please take me away. i don’t want to be here anymore.

I lie to my parents, they don’t know i’m pansexual and i’m scared that they’ll find out. I lie to my girlfriend, telling her i am happy and that i will always be, she doesn't deserve to have me as her burden. i lie to my friends, “oh i am not hungry, eat it.” “i’m okay” though, i am mostly never hungry, it always hurts.

A few weeks ago, i had typed a paragraph that i am getting better, that was a lie, i am not. i should be better, but i am not

it scares me, how much i think about going to bed and never waking up. I don’t want to die, i just want to fix my pain. i cannot stop crying, i feeling dying even though i don’t want to. our brain makes us do stupid things.

i am sorry, to everyone who is dear to me, i am sorry i am like this, that i’m a burden, i love you all and i’m working on getting better.

[thestoriesimayneverwrite]

It’s getting worse

TW///////

Feburary 2nd, 2018            8:38 pm

I feel nothing, I am nothing. I cannot vent to anyone who I cross paths with, I can’t come to terms with my feelings. I am close to dying, I feel like dying and I can’t stop crying. my arms are scratched raw every night with my own bare fingernails. My feet are battered and bruised as I use them to kick anything near me. I often fantasy what it would be like if I was no longer here, if I had been put into an eternal slumber. I shouldn’t think this way and feel selfish and guilty when I do. I have an amazing group of friends online and in real life, but I can’t help but feel bad when I realize that if I were to be no longer be here, they would be upset, I think.

I think a lot of people hate me, including my friends. Insomnia sweeps me up in his arms every night and screams so I may never sleep. My anxiety creeps up on me while I laugh with my online friends and jabs at my head whispering dark things to me. I cannot properly rest, I feel like I have done everything wrong in the matter of two minutes.

I can’t talk to my friends about this, without the fear of worrying or upsetting them. I cannot talk to my parents about this. They don’t seem to listen to me, any thought of me being upset or sad, it seems they avoid me. They hang up the call as soon as they hear me whimper, try to keep my feelings behind  walls of smiling. They ask me what is wrong but they always expect the answer, “ I am okay.” because if I wasn’t, they would make it about them or say my feelings are only a phase. I remember that day at my school like it was yesterday, scratching my arms till you could see drops of blood, begging them to call the hospital, I didn’t feel safe, I had thrown everything around and yet, no one did listen to me.

Maybe that’s why i’m messed up. No one seems to really care and they say they do. No one seems to understand my cries of help and I would be screaming in their face. As I type this I fear of myself. I can feel tears coming to my eyes, everything I do is seemed wrong in peoples eyes, and they force me to be happy because they don’t wish to address my feeling of emptiness.

This is very long, I’m going to end it here.

[thestoriesimayneverwrite]

I’m loving .

You sit with us regularly for lunch and if not, we find you.

You're so cute, so small, i can't get over it. You dyed your hair red and it was so pretty. you weren't wearing a jacket today for the first time in forever. You're quite skinny. I don't know if it is fast metabolism or a small stomach but eat!

All my friends are getting dates and my friend wants me to ask you out. I said no way!

It's beautiful you know, how you look. your personality is outstanding, you always know a lot of fun facts, i wonder what is always on that silly little mind of yours.

You're mysterious, though you're quite cute, it's nice. I just want to hug you terribly, though i hug everyone but you, you're special.

I hope everyone who you come across tells you that. You're special and deserve to be loved for eternity.

You tell us of your brother, your bus rides. it's such a funny tail.

maybe i'll have the courage to sit next to you one day by ourselves and get to know you. I hope i don't annoy you. You're so polite as well! Well mannered! I'm slowly getting the courage to look at you. You're smile is so cute i couldn't even breathe.

I hope you find someone who loves you. even though it may not be me. Though, i love you with my whole heart

[thestoriesimayneverwrite]

I hope this love isn't one sided

You're kind, beautiful inside and out, I silently watch you as you sit in a desk in your English class. You're quite silent, I've had my eyes on you since the first day. You're two years older than me, a Senior, I wish you weren't. I don't know you but I wish I did. You're quiet and quirky, another amazing trait. I see you in my music and jazz class, though sadly it's the only class I have with you, you play the saxophone and you sit in front of me I hope I am not making my feelings obvious. I've never felt this way about anyone really, there's a first to everything I guess.

When I found out my friend was in love with you to, my heart broke even more. Shes beautiful and has talked to you for a while, I'll never compete. I never see you around other than music. Sometimes, on a good day, i'll get a glimpse of you, and I will fall all over again. You're lovely, my parents wouldn't approve of you and I, they're homophobic and that's the lightest I can put it. I fell so deeply in love with you it's unhealthy. Maybe it's an obsession, I've never felt loved when I was little I just have the urge to cup your cheeks and tell you I love you. Though, no one has any idea if you're even a little interested in girls, I hope you are, it would break my heart if you weren't.

I hope, this love isn't one sided

[thestoriesimayneverwrite]

dear future me

september 11th, 2017. 9:20 pm

highschool started, having fun? I hope so, i hope that when you look back on me, you feel loved and look at everything we've accomplished. you're probably already stressing and i'm sorry about that, I love you, the past and i, i talked to te future, i know what's in store for you will be fun. We got far, from the constant fear of living to the remedies, the drugs and medicines, to you now. I hope that everything will be okay, i can't be certain but i hope you know, you'll make it. you always do. i love you, your scars and past do to. don't forget that.

[thestoriesimayneverwrite]

Love is

Our hands intertwined with each other. Our skin touching, feeling the heat of each other. It was almost like I was able to feel the blood coursing through her veins. I loved her, I could tell you that much. Our faces, pressed against the grass as it swayed in the wind of the night.

Love. Love was a silent killer. No one knew when it would strike, it’s crept up on its prey and when it pounced, it was a meal dined by two. Love would come when you least expected it.

I looked at her face as the colours in the sky began to fade to the starry sky and the sun began to fall. A pain took a strike at my heart, and then I knew, I loved her. She was the most beautiful girl in the world. Her sun kissed complexion had glistened and she laughed at a joke of mine, oh her laugh, sounded like heaven on earth.

Love. Love was patient, always waiting for the right moment. You could find it in the most unusual places, around corners or across oceans, it waited for you.

She looked at me, staring into my eyes, smiling widely. She took her hand and moved the hair away from my face. She was as beautiful as the moon and all the stars in the sky.

“Being here, with you, is comfortable.” She whispered in the dead atmosphere.

I agreed, being with her, was the most comfortable thing in the world. Just the two of us, laying on the grass watching the stars. I swore to myself, I would do anything to protect her.

Love. Love was kind, it is the word that frees us all. It is gentle to all under its roof, wrapping us in warmth. Taking our hands along the way.

She was a home to me, a garden of flowers. I trusted her. I was ready to give my heart to her and trust her not to crush it. I longed to hold her here forever, a desire to look her in the face and learn everything about her.

Love. Love was trust, it is giving your heart up and a devoting yourself to keeping their heart safe with you, to cherish them. To protect them.

Oh darling, I wished, as I looked into your eyes and smiled softly. I wished, that the world would be kinder and accept us. She moved my hair once more and pressed her lips against my own. She had tasted like vanilla and sugar, beautiful and delicate.

As we laid by the hills edge, praying for us once more. She began to braid my hair, smiling at her creation. I sat up slowly, as it fell against my chest, curving to lay on top of my breasts.

“This, is love.” She whispered into the air as she kissed my hand.

I didn’t understand, how did a word that meant everything to the human race, be taken away from people who love someone that people say they shouldn’t.

[thestoriesimayneverwrite]

when I loved you

God I wish I never see you again. You were my worst nightmare walking, talking and breathing just like anyone else. I hate you, the way you had taken my heart and thrown it away, crushing it up into dust and letting it get swiped up by the wind. When I loved you, you had made me feel as if I was a queen living in a castle your words had created me. When I loved you, I had felt like I was on the top of the world, the wind blowing through my hair as I was as high as the singing birds in the sky. When I loved you, my heart had been placed upon a pedestal, people would come from far and wide to awe at such beauty, flowers had wrapped around my heart and the pedestal adding forever elegance to it. When I loved you, my body was a temple, the walls lined with marble and vines hanging down, a fire in the center where people would pay compliments to. When I had loved you, I had felt as if nothing could ever harm this moment, God was I ever so blind back then.

              When I had found out about your other lives with other women, I caved in on myself. My castle had begun to fall, the wind had turned into a sharp cold brisk causing natural disasters, the birds songs had died and been replaced with painful shrieking. My flowers around my heart on the pedestal had sprouted thorns cutting deep, the people awing had turned into booing and they had become violent. My temple had started to burn slowly and painfully, the vines shriveled up and the fire once burning brightly had become a dim flame, no one had came to visit anymore it was abandoned. My eyes finally started to see the truth, you never meant anything you said, I began to see clearer. No love had blinded the hurtful truth the world was.

[thestoriesimayneverwrite]

therapy

TW// mention of drug use, suicide,

They met at group, she was what her school called a druggie. She had began taking anti depressants at the age of 14 switching on and off, she tried to kill her self in the 9th grade. Though, she had a good family, amazing friends. No one could pin point what was wrong with her. He, was the reason hurricanes were named after people, anger issues his whole life, a unstable broken home and bipolar disorder. his parents would always make themselves the victim, he believe he had nothing to live for.

They met at group, a safe place for messed up people like them. the ‘freaks’, the ‘depressed’, the ‘screw ups’. The moment they laid eyes on each other, they both knew they were safe. She taught him how to live and in return, he taught her that some things in life you just can’t understand