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Peter Solarz
sheepfilms

Love Begins
let's talk about Bridgerton tea, my ask is open
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YOU ARE THE REASON
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One Nice Bug Per Day

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DEAR READER
Claire Keane

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@thestormyrainbow
HELL YES
Uggh it has been a rough week; strangely I've been happy. The happiest I've been in a long time. Oh god! I'm gushing right now. I want to talk about how everything is going so great but usually, after I do that stuff falls apart. okay back to when I was acting up last week. I feel like I should just do an overdraft of my life instead of going into details. I don't know; well I want to quit saying I don't know because I don't want to be indecisive anymore. for anybody reading this I'm literally smiling hard right. From the girl that was crying in the college bathroom last year. Now I'm the girl planning the comeback of the year. I mean I'm probably not going back to college this year but I'm saving money. Which is such a big thing to me. When looking back I was living paycheck to paycheck not being able to save. As I type this it feels like its been longer than a year of what I went through. it will be a year in MAY. Which happens to be my birthday month so, there is a lot to look forward to. But I feel so young and alive it's insane. back to my minor goals and accomplishments. money management amazing, oral health amazing (by that I mean I have braces and I'm on the road to fixing my teeth. I have the smile of mater from Cars)
3:49 am Break time ( i need sleep I work in the morning)
I'm back this is an entry 3 weeks in the making. My mood has changed since then I'm happy still but I'm tired. I've been busting my ass the past 3 weeks working 6 days a week. So out of 21 days ive have 3 days off; 8-hour shifts back to back. But im so close to my ultimate goal. The day i get a car; I’ll probably cry because I’ve worked so hard. I will continue to work hard becasue I deseve it .
I honestly don't remember the main focus of this entry but I'm good. before opening my laptop I was a little down but reading this entry made me so happy. I can honestly say the road I'm heading down is good.
New Year , Same Person Evolving (HOPEFULLY)
That's the best title I could think of for the post. Its the 21st day in the new year and I don't know what to think of it sadly. I know I'm more indecisive than ever and my mind is cluttered. The average life of an up and coming adult. As I sit in my room and realize I have a bunch of things not finish or done. But I realize that's my life. I DONT FINISH THINGS. Writing these blogs is the closest I've come to finishing anything. As I look above of what I previously wrote l know autocorrect is going to have a blast correcting all my fuck ups. I wish life was like that there somewhere I can go to fix my mess ups in one click. I don't know if these blogs are updated by I stop going to college but I'm going back. Therefore I don't get the title of a college dropout. But if there is an entry where I call myself a college dropout; I was just being overly dramatic. I need to write down my accomplishments because as of right now I don't feel like I've done much of improved.
1. I am way better at saving money
2. I’m on the road to getting my teeth fixed
3. men are 90 % gone from my life to get a cleanse (that's another entry within itself)
4. I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA
But I'm writing again so that is a plus
ISSA MOOD
Reintroducing Me
The other day (05/20/2018) i actually started a entry but i didn't feel like typing so i deleted it and turned my computer off. But im back and somewhat better then ever. I dont cry as much anymore .To some people that might be a negative thing tho. Life has been moving fast as usually . Two Big things have happened in my life.
#1 . MY BROTHER CAME BACK HOME (LONG ASS STORY)
Oooh and im dropping out of college
Yea so there's that . Ik ik if anyone is reading this you probably are saying to yourself the dropping out of college should be in caps to but that decision is still pending . Maybe i should change it to Im THINKING of dropping out of college. Well technically speaking I’m not dropping out I’m taking a break . Although I like the dramatic effect
IM DROPPING OUT OF COLLEGE. Feels like I have my own TV show. The 21 year old dropout. Kind of has a ring to it doesn't it. I shouldn't be joking around because this is a major decision in my life. Joking around is how I cope .Anyone who has red previous entry should know this though. This is a run through of my life at the moment .I'll go into further details on my other entries. Tumblr; it feels kind of good to be back.
Oooooohhh one more thing IM 21 FUCKING YEARS OLD . Omg how could i forget i've been partying ever since my birthday which was 12 days ago. I swear I feel like I’m a professional 21 year old now
Life is wild I’m just remembering all the little details. 21 has been crazy and i've only been 21 for about 12 days . but i swear im almost to enlightenment.
Okay food for thought on my next 3 blog entries.I have to catch my blogs up on my life cause it WILD ASF.
1. Brother came back home
2. My 21 BIRTHDAY !!!!!!
3. A BIG PENDING DECISION
Can't you see it's we who own the night? Can't you see it's we who 'bout that life?
Miley Cyrus “We Cant Stop”
Who’s home?
The Weekend of a lifetime, that my friends and I planned for a while. okay long story turned short; my grandma asks me to watch her dog and house because she was going out of state for the weekend. Of course, I said yes, 1 because ill had the house to myself and 2 i am getting paid. So my grandma and cousin left to Florida Friday morning. What made the situation better was my friends parents were going out of town to. That meant no curfew for ANYONE. We decided we are going to act up. Friday we went to Disneyland of course and it was more fun the usually this time. And we got on that new ride Guardians of the galaxy ride. Which made me almost pee on myself . On to the next day “THE BIG DAY” Tyler had work Saturday morning that’s didn't stop us . Alexis and I went to the store with this girl and bought two cases of Smirnoff , a bottle of Stella Rosa , pineapple Cîroc , and a big bottle of Malibu. Mind you it is only 3 girls that are drinking all that . So we got all that and brought it to my grandmas house. Around 7 is when the party began , we 1st order the pizza so we wanted to eat before we started drinking. we started we just the Smirnoff, something light before the hardcore stuff. The scene was Pandora music blasting , bottle on the table , and we were playing monopoly and laughing having a good time. The pizza finally came then we ate. After that we went hard well me and Alexis did. Tyler started tripping after two bottle of Smirnoff (beginner). Me and Alexis went ham on the drinks . The rest of the night was kind of a blur. I know we all went to Alexis car around 2 in morning to smoke. she parked far from my grandma’s house because parking is a bitch here . But it is a safe neighbor so it was no problem expect tonight. Okay so we all had on pajama pants and stuff. We thought it would be funny to dance in the middle of the street . And that is what we did and suddenly, this guy pull up in a car. About 4 dudes in one car .
The convo went like this:
The driver guy says to us “What yall doing outside this late at night you know it get crazy out here” We are looking like he is the only crazy thing here. The city of Lakewood is the suburbs filled with old retired people.
I just said “That’s exactly why we are going into the house”
guy: Ya’ll trying turn up , I can go get a bottle
my friend Alexis; No we cool
guy; I got some weed
me; nah we good thank you tho
guy; yall just gon go in yall house and be bored
Alexis; i guess we gon be bored then
Then they drove off thankfully. and we ran into the house. Tyler was already by the house. as I got my keys out my pockets we seen a homeless guy pop up out of nowhere . Which was random and scared us. We went in the house . And Tyler was just really freaking out. Those guys really scared her because she isn't use to random guys hitting on her like that . And she thought something bad was going to happen to us. I wasn't scared because if u do something bad in Lakewood that is your ass. The Lakewood police doesn't play around. And my grandma lives about 4 minutes away from the police station.
So we got back in the house and continue to drink . And Tyler started randomly crying she was drink asf. She can not handle liquor like Alexis and I. And when i sit here and think about it she only 19 she never drunk before and she is a diabetic. That was just a all-around crappy situation . But we eventually all went to sleep at around 4 in the morning. Tyler went to seep before me and Alexis . For a moment, we thought we would have to call her mom because her eyes were rolling back and stuff. Which scared the shit out of us. Like I legit will not drink with Tyler until she is like 25. 4 hours later Alexis realize she had to work in a hour , luckily she had her work shirt in her car. Then Tyler just woke up and left. and Alexis left the alcohol she was supposed to take home. I was like no big if she picks it up before Monday. And my mom picked me up to go to a BBQ. I had already cleaned my grandmas house and I throw a bunch of my clothes over the drinks. I left my grandmas house and went to a BBQ. After the BBQ Tyler , Alexis and I hung out around 9 .They dropped me off at my grandmas , and Alexis was about to get her alcohol. And as i get out the car i see a light form inside my grandmas. My heart started beating out my chest. Because it was midnight and idk what to think. I literally just ran to the door unlocked it and went straight to the back room where I put the drink. Before i made it to the backroom my grandma niece who lives with her was there. But I go in the room to see the clothes off the stuff. And i didn't say anything . I just asked where my grandma was. and she said still in Florida. today is monday and she still hasn't said anything about it and i haven't received any text so i guess im in the clear.
This song has been my strength for a while
So i literally just wrote a long as page of stuff and accidently deleted . That's basically how my life is going.
Identity Lost
Its going on about day 3 since i lost my wallet and im still going crazy. Well its not a wallet its like a coin purse. But i lost that and the little coin purse had my life in it. My California ID , Debit Card (Literally has -68 dollars on it ) , School ID , Disneyland Pass , Yogurtland Card , CVS Rewards Card , Halal Guys Reward Card & NINE FUCKING DOLLARS . Like i literally feel like someone is out their with my fucking identity , Terrible fucking terrible. And I literally have no idea where it could be . I went everywhere on Saturday . Real shit I was kind of city hopping. I went to played lazer tag , then to eat then to about 2 of my friends house , and two gas stations ,then went to a drive in movie , and out to eat again . I was bouncing around every where. I truly feel like i drop my wallet at a gas station by my friends house , and a homeless person picked it up. And what else sucked is when i told my parents they just went about their day. They didn't give a entire fuck about the situation and the fact that i was hurt.
IDK , Just thought i should share this cause , just another thing that happen this week
Feelings in a bag
Mood asf
I should I have wrote this when it was fresh but oh well. So I’m pretty sure I have mention that my life in my home is not okay. I don’t even consider that my home , I feel like a unwanted guest. Okay so I have to start at the night before the bullshit started. I decided to go out with my friends . I honestly dont even remember where we went , ooh okay wait i think it was Yogurtland. It was about 8:00 pm , I kindly told my mother im going to Yogurtland ill be back in a hour tops. She said “Okay” So i left and came back 9:00 o'clock sharp. I unlocked the door but it didn't open fully. Someone put the chain on the door. I truly dont understand why we have a chain for our door like we live in the fucking slums or some shit. Back to the story , so basically I’m locked out and i didn’t have my phone with me. Im just knocking on the door and yelling for someone to wake tf up. My family goes to sleep early and they sleep really hard. As im doing this for a cool 20 minutes , its registering in my head like out of all my friends I’m the only one who deals with bullshit like this. Like my friends can come home late and they parents are just like glad they are home safe. So sitting outside thinking is just pissing me off , that which lead to my next action . I repeatedly close and forcefully open the door until i broke the chain for the door (sorry not sorry) . Then when i finally broke it and and walked in the house closed and locked the door. My mom comes out her room and im just like “Why you put the chain in the door i was out there for about 45 minutes” She said “I didn't, your dad must have put that on there , he didn't know you were gone.” In my head I wanted to say , Bitch you know i was gone though. But instead i just said “oh” And I went to sleep only to be woken up at 6;00 am . My mom woke me and said “Come here” I go into the living room to see my parents standing in front of me. I know they were probably mad about the the door but it was way more than i thought. The convo was about 40 minutes long and it ended with me crying and my best friend mom picking me up.
The conversation is to much to type word for word but key points: Basically my parents well my step dad talked the whole time. back to key points the
He feels like im jealous of like the things he buys for everyone but me
That i have a attitude when i have no money
And last but not least i should be happy he turned his life around for the family
Im going to go further into details and convo
1. The conversation started on me breaking the door. And then I dont even wanna call him dad anymore he lost that title but he said i feel like you jealous of the things we have. Mind you its 6:00 am , im not really responding because im tired and low key caught off guard.
Dad: “I feel like you jealous like you dont really be happy for the stuff i buy me , your mom , and sister. when I show you things you seem pissed off. Like you should be happy of all the things i do. I dont even buy myself nice things anymore. i spend it all on you guys. I dont have to give you movie tickets or give you money to do stuff when you dont have money.
(okay i didn't respond to any of this shit but when i really thought about the shit he said. My parents haven't support me since i was about 15 years old. which was about five years ago) And 95% of what he said is a croc of shit
2. Dad: when you have money you nice to everyone and going places and shit. But when you dont you real angry and mean. Most of the time im quite but something has to change. You always switch up on us if you're going be a certain way be consistent. Like money ain’t the root to all things. Don’t let that determine your happiness.
(i still was quite it was too early to be arguing. but lets be honest i pay my parents 500 a month of rent. On top of that sometime they dont even have to full amount to pay rent sometimes so i always let them borrow about 400 a month. But i wasn't working until like about 6 months ago. So the money i was giving my parents was coming out of my financial aid for school. Mind you i have to pay to get to school (the bus) most of time im at school all day so i buy lunch and dinner most times. i pay my own cell phone bill. Well not anymore because i got tired of paying the bill. I pay for everything i own down to the underwear and soap i use for my damn body. So for him to make it seem like he break his fucking neck for me is out of this world. he dont bust his ass for me i bust my ass for myself. and i get so piss of when i dont have money because . When i ask to borrow like 40 dollars i feel like i should get it with no questions asked. I can loan them 400 dollars but i cant get 40 dollars GTFOH. That ridiculous to me. So of course im going get mad when i dont have money . I feel like the people who support me and lift me up should be my parents. But they are the main ones who put me down.which sucks and that stays in the back of my head every day.)
3. (my favorite ) Dad: i change my life for you guys. Im not in the streets anymore. I dont gang bang . I change my life for you)
the rest is a fucking blur to me cause it a load of bull shit . after that he was like we love you though . And i started crying because i dont believe my parents love me . I truly dont . when i started crying my mom started crying. then my step dad walked up to me and was like it will get better i i just shook my head and cried. I dont feel like it will get better i feel like it only will get worse. Because im the only one who has my back when it comes to family.
Now it was my turn to talk!! ME: you guys act like im a bad kid. Other then school and work i dont do anything other than Disneyland. Im not like my cousin who had babies young and didnt graduate from high school . I've been doing everything right so excuse me for not being perfect or who you want me to be. well im sorry that im not who you want to be.
After that i went into my room and rolled in bed and cried until my friends mom came and picked me up .I havent been home in a week.
All I Did Was Love You & All You Did Was Hurt Me
Heartbroken Soul