Night Dreams and Daydreams

A place to put down all the crazy dreams I can remember upon waking, with a tiny sprinkle of cool thoughts I had while awake with nowhere else to go (except maybe into my writing one day). Starting with a backlog of stuff I threw into the notes on my phone, hence the dates.

[thestuffmybraincomesupwith]

So I know my profile looks fake and generic. While I'm not too worried what people think of that, I would kind of like to personalize it, something to fit the theme. But like, words on paper or whatever is not how I feel about the writing here. The closest I feel matches the vibe of this blog is, unfortunately, probably something ai would generate. The mish-mashed colors that kind of look like you're painting a rainy day without glasses on and your palette is all galaxy colors? Yeah one of those. But, while these kinds of things ("paintings" done by ai) seemed cool to me back in say 2017, I do not agree with using them at all today. Not generative, not to create. So I guess I'm keeping the blog deliriously bland and baseline to the point of looking fake for now.

[thestuffmybraincomesupwith]

[thestuffmybraincomesupwith]

You know how it feels when you've been in the summer sun all day? But then when the sun sets, it's not just warmth and light that get pulled away from you, you feel drained. Emptier, somehow. That's how it feels when we part ways at the end of the day. A lack of warmth, a lack of light, drained empty and left hungry.

[thestuffmybraincomesupwith]

I am so tempted to delete this blog. I just don't want to risk people finding it.

[thestuffmybraincomesupwith]

And if there's an end, then I'll see it through to the end

[thestuffmybraincomesupwith]

I weigh how much I'm going to be teased for what I do for you against how much I'm willing to do whatever anyways. Am I going to be teased relentlessly by our friend? Yes. Do I like you enough to do what I was going to do anyways? Yeah. I'll weather the teasing.

[thestuffmybraincomesupwith]

Completely unrelated to anything, but I looked up different types of tops and bottoms the other day (the sexual kind, not the clothing kind), and I guess depending on the partner I would either be a service bottom or a brat bottom. Well, in theory. I could be a service/brat top to a power bottom, but I would prefer to take it rather than dish it out. Dominate me. Earn it. "Make me." Win over me.

[thestuffmybraincomesupwith]

I'm going to wind up breaking my own heart. My thoughts are just going to fidget with my heart so much it's going to fumble it and drop it on the floor. Big ass chip and spiderweb cracking because I can't stop messing with it.

[thestuffmybraincomesupwith]

Why is the human condition just a rubber bouncy ball tumbling around in a washer on spin cycle?

"I love _____ so much. So fucking much."

"_____ said they love me and my knee jerk reaction to someone saying that is nuh uh but I trust them and now I'm left with the existential angst of I'm Lovable???"

"We can never truly be together and I hate myself for wanting that because I feel like it's a betrayal of the specific love we have for each other."

"What if I could change who I am for a day to be someone you wanted? Would it be a betrayal? Or wish fulfillment? Or both?"

"What if you could change who you are for a day to be someone who wants me? Would it feel like a betrayal to you? Wish fulfillment? Both? Neither? Would you even want that if you had the chance?"

"In another life, you would want me, but you'd already have snapped and would actually be a charismatic serial killer (as we've discussed at length). Would you have killed me because I remind you of your parent? Would you have spared me because I'm so unlike them in all the ways that matter? Would you have distanced yourself as an act of mercy? Would we have had that dark romance ending we joked and laughed about?"

"If you were to snap now, would I be a target? I would still trust you, and I don't know how safe that would be, but I would."

"I imagined you hunting me down like someone toying with their prey."

"Do you resent me for the things I am not? I don't have an ounce of resentment for you, but I have no boundaries. You however do have boundaries."

"I am strong and powerful and confident. I can stand on my own two feet and hold my own. Just because you don't ever see that side of me doesn't mean I'm not. I only show the people I love my most vulnerable self."

"When I'm sitting, and you come up behind me and drape your arms around my shoulders and cradle my head, I could stay in your arms forever. I am so content and love to just nuzzle into your arm."

"You're a pleaser. You love to please. Not in a desperate clingy way, like I can be. You genuinely love to be the one to please someone. It's because you love a person that you do that, not just because you're a pleaser and that's what you do. You love me. I trust you. Truly genuinely trust you."

"But.. what if.. but.. but also... what if... no. The trust is greater than the insecurities. Do you realize that never happens? Ever? Do you realize how monumental that is?"

"Ah yes, but that means a fall would hurt so much worse. And you know this can't last forever."

"You're far too trusting."

"You're my everything, my Penelope."

"You'd never let anyone take you, you’re too powerful for that. And if they managed to take you somehow anyways, then they'd hear the boss music."

"Touch [me] and you die."

"I adore you." "I adore you."

"God I wish I could be that for you, for just a day. Just 24 hours."

"I've thought about it. I couldn't do it. I really really thought about it, and I just can't. I'm sorry my love." "No apology necessary, I'm flattered you even considered it. I thought about it too. And for you, I would try. I would try to do it, for you."

"Well, I love [me]. And I would tell them that."

"I love [them] so so much."

[thestuffmybraincomesupwith]

I'm going to wind up breaking my own heart. My thoughts are just going to fidget with my heart so much it's going to fumble it and drop it on the floor. Big ass chip and spiderweb cracking because I can't stop messing with it.

[thestuffmybraincomesupwith]

My day dreams have turned back to "but what if I was hunted for sport by the person I Love", and when I try to redirect I can't seem to stop them from turning back to that. I don't know what either of those things says about me.

[thestuffmybraincomesupwith]

Not even just the chase or the hunt itself, but what if they caught me? What if I had to beg for my life? What if they got me cornered and I couldn't run? What if I continued to frantically beg as I held their wrist to hold off the knife they wanted to carve into me with? I don't picture them raging or furious, I picture them maniacal and having snapped and gone serial killer, like they're singsong-ing as they hunt me down, and laughing as they corner me and smirking and teasing me as they pin me down and I sob and beg and plead.

What is wrong with me? Why can't I stop my brain from going "this is what we're fantasizing about today. You have No Choice, and I don't care how upset you get. :)"

[thestuffmybraincomesupwith]

My day dreams have turned back to "but what if I was hunted for sport by the person I Love", and when I try to redirect I can't seem to stop them from turning back to that. I don't know what either of those things says about me.

[thestuffmybraincomesupwith]

I don't want this to end. I'm so happy.

[thestuffmybraincomesupwith]

I want to wax poetic about how much I love you. There's no sexual attraction or desire, I promise you that. I would however like to give you a kiss on the cheek. I would love to hold your hand as we walk. I love staring into your eyes. I love listening to you go on and on and on. I'm addicted to the limerence.

[thestuffmybraincomesupwith]

Update: I love you so much. I adore you. I am determined to give you a kiss on the cheek soon. I am also determined to hold your hand.

[thestuffmybraincomesupwith]

Update: I finally kissed your cheek. It was a perfect moment for it. I love you I love you I love you. You kissed me on the cheek back. You had only kissed the top of my head before, twice.

Now I wait in mischievous bliss to thread my fingers through yours, to feel your thumb rub my hand soothingly, to pull your hand up to my face and lay a kiss softly on the back of it.

Rereading this makes me feel silly. I don't normally act like this. I don't normally talk like this. But I need to get it out somewhere, and if screaming into the tumblr void is how I need to do it then so be it.

I love you so much. It's overridden my sense and my walls and my defenses. You snuck in like Odysseus in a wooden horse and decimated me from the inside, and now I'm at your mercy. So completely totally at your mercy. "Knees on the floor, your weapon at my throat, staring at you with wide eyed trust and vulnerability and defenseless" at your mercy. My only defense is to take your hand and gently kiss the back of your fingers while I hold your stare, and hope you're just as defenseless as I am right now.

Am I really your Penelope? That was the real point of no return I think, when you said that. I decided to trust you, that everything you were saying you meant, that I didn't need to convince myself you were just being nice or just saying things off the cuff to say them. I decided to trust that you really truly meant that, and all the meaning behind those words, and all the rest of the words.

I trust you when you say that I'm your Penelope, and not your Troy.

[thestuffmybraincomesupwith]

Update: you held my hand, you threaded your fingers through mine, you held my hand, your hands was warm and soft and you rubbed your thumb over mine and you held my hand, you held my hand, you held my hand.

It's so damn easy to make me happy.

Thank you for being in my space and loving me and letting me love you up close and being who you are and letting me be who I am around you and for just about everything. Thank you for not thinking I'm ridiculous, thank you for not being weirded out or :/ by me, just thank you.

[thestuffmybraincomesupwith]

Another thing I'm learning is to not self-police my own fantasies. I don't have to tame my daydreams down to not be gross or cringey or offensive to an imaginary audience. Thought police are not going to come and interrogate me and make me answer for thought crimes. My fantasies are allowed to be completely implausible or impossible or self-serving. I am allowed to have thoughts like this. I can be as self indulgent as I want in my head.

[thestuffmybraincomesupwith]

I'm being taught how to not need or crave constant validation by someone I love, and I'm discovering that it has less to do with how I feel about myself and more to do with how much I trust the other person. Do I trust that, when they say they love me and adore me that they actually mean it? Or am I mistrustful and suspect that they're only humoring me and putting up with me? I am learning to trust. I trust this person so deeply, since the very beginning I have trusted them so much, unlike anyone else. "I would not say it if I didn't mean it." "I would not offer if I didn't mean it." And I believe them. Against so much conditioning over the course of my life, and fear, and mistrust, I actually believe them. I have slowly started to not seek constant reassurance. I've reduced my self-deprecation around them. I don't put myself beneath them. They say they love me and they adore me and I trust that they see something worth loving and adoring in me. I trust you, I love you, I adore you.

[thestuffmybraincomesupwith]

I want to wax poetic about how much I love you. There's no sexual attraction or desire, I promise you that. I would however like to give you a kiss on the cheek. I would love to hold your hand as we walk. I love staring into your eyes. I love listening to you go on and on and on. I'm addicted to the limerence.

[thestuffmybraincomesupwith]

Update: I love you so much. I adore you. I am determined to give you a kiss on the cheek soon. I am also determined to hold your hand.

[thestuffmybraincomesupwith]

Update: I finally kissed your cheek. It was a perfect moment for it. I love you I love you I love you. You kissed me on the cheek back. You had only kissed the top of my head before, twice.

Now I wait in mischievous bliss to thread my fingers through yours, to feel your thumb rub my hand soothingly, to pull your hand up to my face and lay a kiss softly on the back of it.

Rereading this makes me feel silly. I don't normally act like this. I don't normally talk like this. But I need to get it out somewhere, and if screaming into the tumblr void is how I need to do it then so be it.

I love you so much. It's overridden my sense and my walls and my defenses. You snuck in like Odysseus in a wooden horse and decimated me from the inside, and now I'm at your mercy. So completely totally at your mercy. "Knees on the floor, your weapon at my throat, staring at you with wide eyed trust and vulnerability and defenseless" at your mercy. My only defense is to take your hand and gently kiss the back of your fingers while I hold your stare, and hope you're just as defenseless as I am right now.

Am I really your Penelope? That was the real point of no return I think, when you said that. I decided to trust you, that everything you were saying you meant, that I didn't need to convince myself you were just being nice or just saying things off the cuff to say them. I decided to trust that you really truly meant that, and all the meaning behind those words, and all the rest of the words.

I trust you when you say that I'm your Penelope, and not your Troy.

[thestuffmybraincomesupwith]

It's the mental health in poor shape, but my heartbreak is immeasurable. I want your attention, and I haven't had it in hours. I want to cry myself to death in bed. I'm a pathetic wet cat staring at my phone with big baleful eyes. My text vibration tone pattern is like the sound of a can opening, I rush to open my phone and see if it's you. Most everyone else messages me through some form of social media, so the text messages are a solid 50% chance of being you. I'm being hella pathetic (on the inside). On the outside I'm being so brave and doing other things and chatting with other people.