Thoughts in my Head

[thethoughtsinmyhead]

Friends

When you think of friends. You think if companionship. That is at least what I think, what I want. But why is it so hard to actually have a friend. I feel more lonely than I do when I am alone. I feel left out. I feel neglected. All i want is the same love I put out in the world. The same respect. I don’t understand. What is wrong with me?

I have never been someone’s first call. I have never been someone’s “let’s go out.” I have never been someone’s “want to go to a concert?” I have never been someone’s “don’t go, please stay!” I have never been someone’s “omg i need your advice.” Why? What’s wrong with me?

[thethoughtsinmyhead]

Nobody knows

Nobody knows that I cry behind closed doors.

Nobody knows the amount of strength it takes to put a smile on my face and say “I’m okay.”

Nobody knows that the sigh’s I have are for the pain i feel, and that’s the only way to relieve it.

Nobody knows the amount of faith I give to people, just to be let down again.

Nobody knows the amount of tears I cry.

Nobody knows that when I wake up in the morning I sometimes wish I were dead, because at least if I were dead I wouldn’t have to take todays bullshit.

Nobody knows that I sit in a cleaning supply closet just to get peace.

Nobody knows how alone I really am.

Nobody knows that I scream on the top of my lungs, in my car, on my way home from work.

Nobody knows I agree a lot in conversations cause I am tired of hearing the same stories over and over again.

Nobody knows that I turn the shower temperature heat all the way up just so I can feel something other than my inner pain.

Nobody knows the hurt that I am hurting.

Nobody knows

Now you know.

[thethoughtsinmyhead]

I’m 30... But am I an Adult?

Today I made my first OBGYN appointment in almost 10 years. I don’t know what I expect out of this, I am even a little nervous to go. What will they find? Do I have a disease I don’t know about? 

I am 30, and I almost haven’t been to the OBGYN in 10 years.

I have been to the doctor. I have gotten blood work done. But, at what age do you say “I need to get checked out?”

When you are in your 20′s, the only think you worry about is where you next paycheck is coming from and what you are going to spending it on. Alcohol? drugs? you going out this weekend? do you have to save it so you can have a place to live tomorrow. Your thoughts don’t really think about the long term future. Your thoughts are in there “here” and in the “now.” Your 20′s are a great time to be alive. However, you reach a certain age... I wanna say around 28. You start to think, if you haven’t already done so, “what am I doing with my life.” Now, some of you, already have that path laid out for you. You went to a great school, you married you college sweetheart, and you got a good job at the prime age of 24. You are all set. While the rest of us are still living paycheck to paycheck, hoping one day the light bulb will just go off and you realize what you are supposed to be doing for the rest of your life. 

Sometimes life isn’t as easy as waking up and going to work and going home and making that pay check. Sometimes it takes almost 10 years to get your lady parts checked, and you just have to hope for the best at this point. Even now, going to the doctor is stressful. Do they take my insurance? if so, how much are they actually going to cover? how much is this going to cost me? do I have enough on my credit cards to take care fo this? But I have to get it done, so I have to figure it out right?

Around 28 I started thinking more about my future. And some of my past. A past of, who did I sleep with before my current fiance? how much did I take care of myself in the past years? when was the last time I have been to the dentist? At 28 I started thinking back, which made me think “Oh my god, I need to start thinking about my future.” I am now 28, but am I adult? 

That was 2 years ago... and let me tell you, not much has changed since. Still have not gone to the dentist in almost 10 years, and I just got my first OBGYN appointment. What is life?

So now what? I am 30. I want a family and I want to live a long life with my future husband, future kids, and all my dogs and future dogs. So I have to go get checked. I have to start going to the doctor. I have to start taking care of myself.... am I the only one like this?

Both of my parents died at a young age. My mother from cancer, and my father from drinking. A disease and an addiction. I definitely have the addiction capability, but cancer. That’s the scariest, no? I have see people after people going through cancer, including my own mother. It is the worst disease on the face of the planet, and it takes ever form possible. She died too soon. Everyone who had cancer dies too soon. But that is why it is important to get checked regularly... 

My mother DID get checked regularly. It didn’t matter. It came on like a wrecking ball. She never saw it coming. One day she was fine, the next day she wakes up and she feel weak and tired all the time. You just never know. 

So what is adulting? what is being responsible? What is the answer?

[thethoughtsinmyhead]

5-10-2020

It is a Sunday. It is mother’s day. Another year has gone by and I wonder what it would be like to have known my mom at this age. I am turning 30 next month, and there are so many things I would have liked to share with her. There are so many thing that I would have just liked to call and tell her about. I guess I am thankful that I have a marginally older sister. She has been my mom for most of my life. Every experience I have had, every boyfriend I have had, every good and bad moment, I have shared with my sister. It is nice to have someone to be able to call and share those moments with. But there are some that are not as fortunate as I... If I didn’t have my sister, I would have no one. I would feel this emptiness, that I usually feel but would be heightened by a different weight. A weight of needing to feel some kind of connection with someone. 

On days like these, or holidays rather, I would scroll through Facebook or Instagram to find and abundance of loving posts to a mother or a loved one, some times a dog mom. But what about the people you don’t hear from, or see on social media? People like me... Now I am fine. I am getting through life. This has been my 10th year of not celebrating someone. So I know I am fine. But what about the people who aren’t? Do you have someone? Are you fine? I worry about you. Are you dealing with a day like today, okay? Or are you trying to find someone to reach out to and you don’t know who to call? 

I have been there too. I have been in the situation where I felt like I needed companionship and I literally didn’t know who to call. There was a time in my life where my sister and I weren’t as close as we are now. If I were to even say that we are close now... But there was a time, that I remember, that I felt that I couldn’t reach out to her. And there were times that I felt lost and alone and I didn’t know who to turn to. I had no friends. I felt like I didn’t have family. That, if I was reaching out to someone, I felt like I was burdening them with my problems, when in reality all I wanted was someone to talk to for a bit.  A person to get my mind off of what I was reminded of every day. Being alone... I worry for those people. Some people don’t know how to get through the lonely stages. They don’t know how to handle it. And I get it. Some times I still feel that way. Some times I still wonder if my friends are really my friends. 

I see relationships every day of my life that are different than mine. Not just my romantic relationship, but my friendship relationships as well. I look around and wonder, “wow, that is completely different how that person treats me.” Or “huh, I asked that person to do something and they said no to me, but someone else asked them and they said yes.” I have friends that have a MILLION friends that I have never met. And a have friends that have a small group of friends that I know everyone’s name. I have friends that literally cannot stop getting enough of people. I have friends that are okay with staying home and not going out, ever. And I have friends that can’t go home to their kids at night because they NEED to be social. I have friends of all kinds. But it is how they treat me or you, rather, that effects your feelings and your outlook on life. I get it.  And during this quarantine, you really start to see what kind of relationships you have with those people. Are they the people reaching out to you to see if you are ok, or are they the people that don’t really care too much and just wish you the best every once in while? It shouldn’t be this revealing at this time, nor should you feel like it is. But sometimes you do. Some times you feel all the loneliness in the world and you feel the need to blame it on something. You can’t help this feeling. You just feel it. And you want to shut everything off in your head telling you that “they don’t like you,” “they aren’t your real friends,” “if they did like you and miss you wouldn’t they want to do ‘this’ with you?” Sometimes you can’t shut those thoughts off. You just can’t. 

I like to think that I have friends. But when it comes down to it, do I? I have friends that I hang out with when I get asked, but when I am doing the asking no one is ever interested. I have friends that will ask if I want to go to a concert, but when I ask no one is ever interested. Unfortunately this happens to me all the time. I have come to a point where I accept the people in my life for who they are. And I have been through enough to know that I can make it on my own. 

At times it is rough. But my mother always told me that, “you don’t need a million people in your life to make you happy, you just need one. And if have that one, don’t take it for granted. Other people will come and go, but one will always stick.” I always thought she was talking about a significant other. For me, it is my significant other. He accepts me for who I am and I love him deeply for this. I don’t know why he loves me but he does. And every day I think to myself, “if I didn’t have him I would have no one.” Pretty sad to think, huh? But life if hard, messy, and unpredictable, so you have to take the punches as they come. And he is my one person, my person of persons. Some times your person of persons isn’t your significant other, it’s a friend. But who ever it is, I hope they are good for you. And I hope they check in on you. And if you don’t have that person yet, they will come. I know it seems dark right now, but it will get brighter. 

thank you for letting me ramble 

until next time

HY

[thethoughtsinmyhead]

Saturday

4/11/2020

I simply miss not getting up on Saturdays. Now they are filled with early trips to the grocery stores to be able to get one package of toilet paper. Now our Saturday mornings are filled with wiping everything we touched down. Making sure the groceries we just got aren’t contaminated. It is making sure we have enough masks and gloves just to be able to go outside to get the groceries from the car. Im sick of waking up early on Saturdays just to wash the clothes that went to the grocery store for a half and hour to get much needed necessities for the week or more. Im sick of not being able to spend time with my family and friends during simple pastimes on Saturdays. Saturdays now bring a sadness as we try to make the best out of the situation with a massive FaceTime. 

I miss Saturdays. 

[thethoughtsinmyhead]

Dear Mom and Dad

4/1/20

I thought I use some of my posts to address topics I would naturally talk to my mom and dad about. Both my parents passed at different times in my life. And sometimes I find it hard to get through the day without being able to talk to them about life events. It is easy to take for granted those 5 minute phone conversation with your dad asking him “how do you fix the air?” Or being able to text your mom, “you will never believe what just happened to me.” I am very fortunate to have 3 other siblings. 2 of which are significantly older than my younger brother and I. It makes it easy to look up to someone. But in times that I feel lost and I go to pick up the phone, I’m usually at a loss on who to call. What really get’s to me is my mom...

I lost my mom when I was 19 years old. I was in my second year of college. At the end of my last semester as a freshman.  My family and I found out my mom was diagnosed with Multiple Myeloma... Cancer. It had all happened so fast. We didn’t even have time to process what was happening while it was happening, it seemed. And then December 2019 came around and it hit like a ton of bricks. We were all there when it happened, and we all experienced something different as it was happening. Losing a mother is unlike anything else in the world. I have lost both parents, and I still feel the loss of my mom like it was yesterday. Every day is still a struggle as I want to share life victories... and heartaches. It really hits home when I see my sister. She got to spend so much more time with her than anyone else. She had a bond that I will never experience. She had a best friend that I had always wished I was able to have with my mom. She hurts differently than I do... But I envy her. I miss my mom every day. It has been 10 years, and I still miss her every day that she is not her. Some times I will talk to her hoping she might answer me in my dreams. It is hard to lose a mom. Harder than any other loss, that I have had. 

My dad passed away almost 10 years later, to the day. He died December 27th 2019. My mom passed December 13th 2009. Ironic right? Him and I never saw eye to eye. Ever. We always fought about everything... To credit myself, he would fight with anyone about anything. He loved a good debate. But even if he was wrong, he would put you down and demand he was right. He was the typical alcoholic father who didn’t want kids, who got stuck with them and now has to deal his life with them. When my mom passed, that’s when shit hit the fan for my dad. He lost all control of the person he was. He married a woman just so she could take care of him... In return she took all of his money. What. A. Peach. In later years... and when I say later years, I mean a couple years down the line. He finally came to his senses and decided to brake up with the nasty evil cunt of a stepmom we had. Unfortunately she didn’t leave him with much. He had to rent a house because he now wasn’t able to afford one, and he had to live day by day by himself. He eventually found someone to spend some time with him... OR drink with him, however you want to look at it. It was another toxic relationship... When I speak of my dad and of his death, I always think about that one scene in “Mrs. Doubtfire,” when Robin Williams character explains how “her” husband died... He responds with “it was the drink that killed him dear.” It wad the drink that killed him. The weeks leading up to his death, he became so jaundice. So weak. He wasn’t able to hold his bladder or his bowels. He wasn’t able to move on his own. He was barely coherent. This was all because of drinking too much. His liver was failing, and in turn everything else was too. I had never known, until I saw him, how much drinking alcohol could have an effect on your body. It had amazed me to see what was happening after so many years of abuse to his body. It was sad... I had never had a good relationship with my father. I had always tried to rekindle some kind of relationship; a text once in a while with a joke or a “how ya doin?” But we could never get the ball rolling on a good conversation. As a kid we never really bonded either. The one thing I could think of, when I was child, was the music we listened to. I have to give my dad 100% credit for the music I listen to today. If it wasn’t for my dad I wouldn’t know who The Beatles were, or Led Zeppelin, or The Beach Boys, or Frank Sinatra. I listen to all of those bands today, and I couldn’t be more thankful for the gift that he gave me. But other than that, it was surreal feeling when my dad was dying. Here is this person who gave me life, who supported me financially to get to where I am today. Who taught me how to be a human, kind of. And there he is, lying helpless. I didn’t know what to think. I didn’t know what to feel. I was numb for most of the experience. My siblings and I had to experience this all again, but by ourselves... we were the adults this time. 

It is never easy losing a parent. And everyone takes it differently. For me I hope this bring me some relief and some void that I need to be filled. Every once in a while I will write a letter to my parents, and you will see the struggles I have with not being able to talk to them. But for now....

     Dear Mom and Dad,

               Today’s world really sucks. I wish I was able to tell you more about it                   right now, but just be glad you aren’t here to experience the massive                   shit show the entire world has to go through right now. Until next                         time. 

-H

[thethoughtsinmyhead]

Here for Me.

3/24/2020

This is the first time doing this. So forgive me if I may be doing this wrong or if you don’t agree with what I am saying. I am creating this page because it is a dark time in society, and I want this to be my escape. I would like to keep myself anonymous as much as possible, because I want you to create an image of me. Any image at all. When I read a news article or a book, anything really, and I don’t know what that narrator or author looks like, it’s nice to come up with an imagine in my head. I would like you to do the same for me. Also, if you happen to know me (because you recognize my profile picture 🐶...) Please keep it to yourself. I am doing this for me during a time of needed escape and I hope that you reading can find an escape as well. I also don’t call myself an english expert of any kind, I just like to write my thoughts down. With that being said.... This is Me. 

I am going to go by H. My name is H and in the profile picture you see those are my too doggos Penny and Delilah. They are my life. And currently my whole life because the world has been advised to take action and stay home. We are going through a pandemic and it is hard. It is the hardest thing that most of us has ever done. Some of us are doing it better than others. Some are losing jobs, some are taking massive pay cuts. It is a scary time to be alive, to say the least. What I have to look forward to every day are those two doofy doogos in my picture. And my wonderful boyfriend, who I haven’t killed yet, A. (As I tell about my life an my stories I will refer to my friends, but I will give them different names. My boyfriend and I will stay 1 letter.) 

A and I have been together for 3 years now and it is the best decision I have ever made in my life. He is my ending. I didn’t always have the best track record with boys, so when I met A he was a breath of fresh air. He loves my doggos with all of his heart and I love the life I have built with him. So far him and I have been really effected by this pandemic. He is currently working from home and has had have a pay cut. My school closed down and I cannot work and since it is a corporate owned school they are going to stop paying us at a certain time. Everything is hard right now. Everyone is telling us to look at the good and keep our heads up. It is hard when you see no light at the end of the tunnel. Where do we go next? How do we end this? Is this going to end? Most of us are hopeful for a vaccine, but who knows how long that is going to take. These are really scary times.

All I can do is try to escape a little bit. And maybe help you escape a little bit too. I am H... And this is my story.