Rules | Verses | About
“You’re going to find that many of the truths we cling to depend greatly on our own point of view.”
Indie rp blog for Obi-Wan (Ben) Kenobi;
Private and Selective.
Wishlist | Headcanons
…don’t forget that some of the flags of an abusive roleplayer are identical to the ones for abusive RL relationships.
The Idolize > Isolate > Devalue > Discard cycle that we see in a lot of abusive RL relationships is actually creepily common online and devastating to the victim, despite the lack of physical damage in most cases (I say “most” because I have seen people driven to self-harm or suicide attempts by online abuse of this type).
Idolize: the abuser is desperate to roleplay with the target. They lavish them with attention, gifts, plots, writing, and/or art. The abuser will do anything to become the target’s new best friend. Some abusers will become irrationally angry if rejected at this stage and transition into stalking and/or harassment.
Isolate: the abuser begins peeling the target away from any existing friends or RP partners. They’ll attempt to occupy all their online time and suggest they do a lot of one-on-one roleplay in private with them. When in multi-person scenes, they will deliberately alienate the target’s other friends either by acting out, attacking them, or intentionally making RP awkward or impossible for everyone but their target. Gaslighting starts. They may complain the target’s friends are “mean” or “jealous” and attempt to instigate arguments where the target will feel the need to defend them and further alienate their friends. Lavishing with gifts continues in this phase.
Devalue: when their target is cut off from everyone else, the honeymoon ends. Gaslighting ramps up massively. They still want to roleplay with the target, but the target suddenly can’t seem to do anything right. The target’s self-esteem is systematically degraded. Plots revolve increasingly around the abuser’s character with the target’s being an expendable, breakable prop. They attempt to push their target into roleplay they don’t enjoy or are actively afraid of, and respond to objections or refusals with manipulative behavior like crying, insults, or threatening abandonment. In extreme cases, the abuser may feign self-harm or suicidal impulses and present them to the target as the target’s fault, i.e. “LOOK WHAT YOU MADE ME DO.” Gifts only come as “makeup” presents after a fight and are generally presented in public so that all seems well to anyone not involved. They are now the target’s only major roleplay partner and use that as a weapon.
Discard: the abuser finds a new idol. Gaslighting hits maximum, convincing the target that they’re the reason the abuser doesn’t want to play with them anymore and that no one will ever want to play with them. Finally, they drop their current target and ignore them or harass them, often resorting to scorched-earth tactics and spreading rumors to make sure their victim has difficulty reconnecting with others. The target and their character are usually badly damaged, possibly irreparably.
Abusive roleplayers like this usually leave a trail of shattered guilds and broken people behind and often move games or servers when chasing a new target. Due to their habit of giving gifts in public and abusing in private, they may even have a good reputation in the community and staunch defenders (especially if they’re well-known for their writing, art, or crafts).
In other words, good fucking luck catching them before they hurt someone.
Since this kind of abuse is hard to see from the inside until it’s already too late, the biggest thing you can do is watch out for your friends and guildies. We’re all weirdos here, and we need to keep each other safe. If you feel like somebody’s new RP partner is trying to separate them from their support system, don’t be afraid to speak up. I don’t care if they write like the next Hemingway or their art appears to have been shat right out of Da Vinci’s asshole, they don’t get a pass.
If you feel like or know that this type of abuse is happening to you, remember that no plot or friendship is worth your mental health. Walk away if you can, get someone you trust to help you if you can’t (yes, even the old friends you told to fuck off and leave you alone - they probably have a strong suspicion of why). Take screenshots or chatlogs so you have some defense against gaslighting or malicious rumors. You’re not alone, no matter what they tell you.
Hi guys. Just making a note that I won’t be back on this blog, it became too much and rp, a hobby, isn’t worth all of this. I hate that it was taken away from me, I love Obi-Wan and I loved being here but now it’s too much for me because of associations. Thank you all for the time we did have writing together, however.
Under the cut is a rant. I ask you to ignore it, but it’s something I need to get out. For once in my life I’m not giving a fuck and am going to vent and say what I feel. And then I won’t be on this blog any more.
I’m not posting this because of vindictiveness or some need for retaliation, hell, I’m not even using names, but who could blame me if I did? I’m here because I’m deeply angry, and I have the right to be able to express it, especially with how much I’ve been holding it in. This isn’t addressed to anyone that I’m following. It’s addressed to people who hurt me very deeply and then went about as if nothing happened.
Sure, they’ll claim they did nothing wrong, that I overreacted, that they didn’t ‘understand’ me. And that’s the whole issue here; being misunderstood. It comes a lot with autism, which I might mention, does NOT exist in a vacuum. When someone tells me they ‘understand’, that they ‘support me’, and then they cut me out the first time I show a symptom they label as ‘bad’ and ‘irrational’, that makes me trust everyone in my life less.
I had every right to react the way I did to the situation I was in. I wasn’t included in a discussion that very much involved me. My opinion didn’t matter, and my voice didn’t matter. The things promised to me didn’t matter either; that was all thrown out the window once someone decided that they were going to make you all choose between them or me. The funny thing is, I knew something was off, yet you kept reassuring me ‘everything will be fine’. I trusted you completely, and everything you promised me would ‘never happen because I love writing with you so much’ ???? You did those EXACT things less than 24 hours later. Yet you had the nerve to make it seem like I was being paranoid, like I was JEALOUS. I wasn’t fucking jealous. I just wanted to be treated like a human being. I wanted people to stop being so fucking condescending towards me and treating me like a child, to expect me to run along happily after a little pat on the head after you fucked me over.
You knew I was struggling with depression, that I was struggling with acceptance. And that I have communication problems, that I have meltdowns, and in those times I can’t control my emotions or my thoughts no matter how hard I try. And yet you invalidated every single one of my feelings. You told me I was overreacting, right after telling me ‘if someone came to you telling you truthfully how they felt about things, could you just turn them away’ as your excuse for the other person, when it wasn’t fucking jealousy on my part. I just wanted respect, dammit.
Yes, I was overwhelmingly happy that day. I’d just started my new job, thought things were going great with my friends, and I loved you all so much. That’s the sad part - I would have done nearly anything for you. The end result was that I groveled, something I’ll probably always hate myself for, and still you threw me away like garbage, told me you knew I was having mental problems but you didn’t really care - and that, that is what proves to me that you weren’t a true friend in the first place. Also that, well, friends get in fights! It happens!! You can’t just cut them off the first time it happens, especially when the other person is more than willing to talk it out. Well, I guess you can, but it really shows your immaturity.
That on top of you not letting me ever have a goddamn break. The way you flipped out on me when I tried to go on hiatus - I was just so exhausted at that point, trying to keep things together. The worst thing in the world you can do to me is get my hopes up and then break them. You showed no understanding for that, when I always was so understanding of you. When you told me you freaked out because you couldn’t help it, you hated surprises, I apologized even though I had done absolutely nothing wrong. I gave you what you never gave me. Yet still, that was when I began feeling you cared more about my character than me. Turns out I was right. If I had that break, maybe things wouldn’t have gone down like they did, but I doubt it. It was all coming to a head.
You told me you wanted me to be honest, yet when I was??? You didn’t like what I had to say. You didn’t like that for once in our friendship I actually stood up for myself. And you know what? The only reason I did that was because of the person you chose over me. This person who told me things about you in a conversation we both said was confidential. This person who made it out that I was always complaining about you and got her into a ‘weird place’. I’m not considering that conversation confidential anymore. You probably won’t read this anyway. This person was the one who manipulated the whole situation, and we all fucking fell for it. She told me how much she hated you. She told me you were emotionally abusive to me. She told me that you were a hypocrite. And I defended you.
Even after this shit went down, she acted all nice towards me. She manipulated me into trying to talk to you more when you said you needed space by giving me little sayings like ‘I don’t believe bridges are ever completely burnt’. She did everything in her power to completely isolate me and increase my anxiety, and it worked. She put the wedge between us so far apart that everything broke. In a way I’m glad it happened when it did. I don’t need people in my life who won’t defend me, who constantly invalidate me and walk all over me. It wasn’t until that point I realized that was what you were doing and had done.
I spent a total of twenty eight days in the psych ward over three different visits over this shit. The first few days I was a zombie. I would wake up and think of what happened and be sick to my stomach, and my only thoughts would be saying how sorry I was to you over and over. I couldn’t eat. I lost thirty pounds in one month. I still can’t eat properly. I’ve been put on several different medications and take sixteen pills a day. I lost my job I was so happy about. I still don’t know if I’ll make it through this semester and be able to graduate. I’m so mad at myself for letting other people have that much control over me, but I invest deeply in friendships. I love deeply and completely, and it tears me apart and breaks my heart when someone leaves.
I guess it shouldn’t have surprised me as much as it did when you cut me off. I learned early on that you were not a forgiving person, that you dropped people like this regularly, because you bragged about it and went on about how they were ‘jealous’. I’m wondering now if they were actually jealous, or just tired of being treated like shit. I know for a fact you ran someone else off from wanting to roleplay again because you told them they weren’t playing their character right. How entitled can you be?
I don’t want to talk to you again. I wish I was able to never think of you again. I won’t be on this blog anymore, either. It’s not worth all this high-school level drama with excluding people you say you love and doing things specifically to hurt them and expecting them to be okay with it. For getting mad when I asked you not to rub it in. Because, let’s be honest, what you did there was exactly just to hurt me. And you admitted before you did it again that it was shitty of you to do? Where is the logic in repeating it except to hurt me more, when you knew what a dark place I was in, because I was scared and wanted to end my life. Wanting to do that was not a threat. It was the truth, and I was being honest with you, as you’d specifically asked me to, so I don’t know what the fuck I was supposed to do there. I’m just reminding myself that the friendships you have now? It probably won’t last. One hates you, calls you a hypocrite, and an emotional abuser. The other left me hanging after KNOWING I’d just gotten out of the psych ward and caused me unbelievable amounts of anxiety before deleting me. I know you told her to because that’s what you do - at the slightest inconvenience, you cut people out. How would those friendships last? You give others all the chance in the world when a certain person convinces you too, but you don’t stand up for your old friends. I’d suggest to you to look up the term groupthink.
I’m not saying that you didn’t have a right to do all that you did. You had a perfect right to it. Yes, go ahead, get rid of everyone who inconveniences you, laugh while blocking, be self-centered, whatever makes you feel better. You have every right; but it also makes you a giant inconsiderate selfish asshole who goes through friends like toilet paper.
You know what makes me feel better? Venting and getting this out there. Because I’m tired of sleepless nights. I’m tired of blaming myself and racking my brain on my mistakes and everything I did wrong. I’m tired of all the blame being shoved on me, and my willingness to take it meekly to try and keep peace. I’m tired of playing peacemaker and getting punished for it in the end. It wasn’t fair of you to blame me for all of your problems, especially when I wasn’t the one entitled enough to make demands and manipulate you. But it’s clear who you valued more. You proved me right in everything, you validated every fear I had, because you did every single thing you told me you wouldn’t.
This is all I have for you. Posting it is just getting it out into the void, I don’t care, I have nothing left to give anymore at this point besides this giant vent session. For those wanting to villainize me, just keep in mind that you don’t know the whole story, and everyone has their own side to it. Keep in mind that this is my blog, and I can’t keep it all in anymore. Keep in mind that this isn’t a call out post - it’s me venting with no names involved, as it always has been unless someone guessed.
My advice to others is be wary, even when people tell you they won’t judge you because of your mental illnesses, your autism, or whatever you have. If they don’t have it, or don’t have it on the level that you do, they won’t understand. In turn, don’t make promises like that to people when you don’t intend to keep them. And, try to keep things in perspective. I let this take over my life without even realizing it.
As for the people who hurt me? Thank you for doing so when you did. I’m glad it wasn’t too drawn out, or it would have hurt that much worse. The best thing that could have happened to me was getting away from you. I hope you grow up someday.
→ He started when Ben touched his face, and realized how clammy his skin must have felt in start contrast to his master’s dry palm. He was shivering and couldn’t stay still for the life of him. He tried not to scratch at the crooks of his elbows, and instead just twisted his hands in his sleeves to keep them occupied. He didn’t even want to look at him, not when he was admitting so such a terrible thing.
He dropped his eyes and shook his head, not sure how to explain. It hurt to know that Ben thought better of him than he actually was. Even though he said he wasn’t disappointed, Anakin didn’t believe him in the least. How could he not be? Anakin had always been a mess but this… It was extreme even for him.
At the proposed solution, he felt his stomach drop. How was he supposed to get through this being around him constantly? This was already going to be one of the hardest things he’d ever done, and being around Ben every second getting through it would make it infinitely more difficult. He had moved out to avoid that very thing, to put distance between them to hope - perhaps naively so - that his feelings would change and their relationship would get less complicated. But of course, his life was never meant to be simple.
He nodded, his jaw clenched from the cravings as much from his emotions. “…Alright….Whatever it takes.”
He moved his hand away from Anakin’s face once he jerked, noticing he was uncomfortable. Ben’s lips formed a thin line and he drew back from him. Maybe someone else would be better suited for this job, but he was what Anakin had. He didn’t know how much he could help if Anakin didn’t even want to look at him, let alone touch him.
Ben also noticed how Anakin’s jaw clenched when he suggested him staying all the time. His heart felt like it was being ripped open in that moment. He didn’t understand why Anakin had come to him, when he couldn’t even stand being around him. He was glad that Anakin had, of course. He wanted to help, no matter how much Anakin’s seeming hatred of him was breaking his heart. He loved him.
“I want this to be as easy for you as possible, Anakin. If you don’t think it will help to be here, or that I won’t be able to help, you need to tell me now, and I’ll do my best to figure something out for you. I just want you to feel safe here, and know that I want you to be alright, but if that’s not the case. . . I need to know,” he said quietly, and leaned back in his chair.
He ran a hand over his face, forcing his emotions away for now. He figured it would be best to approach this from a more clinical angle in order to be able to let go and fully help Anakin without his own problems adding to the mess.
Honestly, Will’s actions even surprised himself. It wasn’t that he didn’t want to kiss Ben, obviously he did and frankly, he had for a while, but considering his nerves, it was a bold move. Besides, normally when he was as upset as this, he attempted to distance himself from practically everyone, yet this time was different. This time he wanted to be close to someone.
Still, surprised or not, he was grateful Ben kissed him back. Leaning forward more, he welcomed the other’s attempts to deepen the kiss, breathing a little shaky. He moved his hand to rest lightly on Ben’s chest without really thinking about it, fingers curling into the fabric of his shirt ever so slightly.
Though he still couldn’t stop his thoughts from racing. Should he even be doing this? Yes, Ben had kissed him back and he was happy about that, until he had let his mind drift. What if he had only done that because he felt he had to? Because he didn’t want to upset Will further?
Quickly, he pulled away, face flushed, cursing himself internally as he swallowed thickly. “Um…sorry,” he mumbled, avoiding eye contact. “That…wasn’t appropriate, was it? I just…sorry.”
Ben smiled into the kiss when he felt Will’s hand against his chest, and he pulled him closer. His hand traced over Will’s shoulder blades and trailed down his spine, rubbing over his back gently. When Will pulled away, Ben’s breath caught and he gave him a confused look. His heart sunk, but he simply shook his head.
“No....no,” Ben said. His hand went to the back of Will’s neck and he pulled him in again. This time his lips were softer against the other’s and more gentle. After a moment, he pulled back, his eyes meeting Will’s.
“I’m sorry. You probably . . . well, aren’t in the best emotional state for that, I don’t want to take advantage of that or anything but . . . Christ, I’ve been thinking about doing that for a long time now,” he blushed and looked away from him, his ears also turning red.
He terribly wanted to kiss him again, but he held back. His hand moved down Will’s arm to his hand, and he hesitated before holding it and looking him in the eyes.
→ Anakin slept slightly longer than he normally might have; his sleep was peaceful for once and his dreams didn’t wake him, and after Obi-Wan’s interruption, he was exhausted. He finally stirred just after dawn and sat up, rubbing his eyes, and found Obi-Wan still awake. “Master?” he questioned through a massive yawn. “Did you not get back to sleep?”
When Anakin woke, Obi-Wan’s gaze met his. He rubbed at Anakin’s shoulders to reassure him. “It’s fine. I meditated a bit,” he said. That wasn’t necessarily true, but he had tried, at least. “You slept well, once you got there,” he noted. “I’m sorry for . . . invading your room last night. I should go, maybe you should rest more, you still look tired,” he said quietly.
( hey guys, blog’s going on a break for awhile, again, sorry. I went someplace I shouldn’t have last night and I need to step back and take care of myself for a good while. I will try my best to be back here, I don’t know if I’ll be able to though. I’m still adjusting to a new job & if I don’t step back I’m going to quit and I can’t because I really need it. My upcoming semester is going to be my last and it’s going to be stressful enough as it is. Everything just hit me at once; it wasn’t just one thing but a combination of anxiety sources that I couldn’t handle.
Feel free to message me on Skype, I’m sure I need that too, lol. I really do desperately need help, I just don’t know how to ask for it at all without sounding manipulative. I do love you guys. The problem is something that’s an unfortunate side affect of my mental illnesses. I just ask that people be patient with me. I’m going to give people space as much as possible as well.
I’m probably going to be giving my blog info to my friend to take care of so I can cool off and not be so anxious with continually checking things, so skype will be the only way to contact me. I’ve just really fucked up with myself and I’m so disappointed in myself so I have to work on me, you know? I hope that’s understandable. )
WONDERFUL PERSON AWARD ♡✧( ु•⌄• ) once you get this award, you're supposed to paste it in the ask box of some people who deserve it. If you break the chain nothing will happen, but it's nice to know that someone thinks you're wonderful inside and out. ☆.。
Even as he raised his eyebrow at their close proximity as Siri shoved him against the wall, her eyes narrowed in warning. Now? Really? ( Though he wisely kept any comments to himself. )
It was her lightsaber clattering to the floor that put a bit of a damper into her plan. Even though she had heard his earlier claim that he doubted he’d be able to wield a lightsaber just yet, she hadn’t quite anticipated that he would be utterly unable to even hold her lightsaber for a few minutes. Well, complete stealth was out of the question now. It was inevitable that the pair of guards had heard the noise. ( Well, she had promised Mace Windu she’d do this with the least amount of attention… She hadn’t promised no attention, nor had she promised no bloodshed. )
“ Don’t move. ” The order was quiet, but stern, before she whirled away from Obi-Wan, a bolt from the blaster in her left hand hitting one of the guards’ commlinks just as he pulled it from his belt, before he could even activate it. Ducking a blasterbolt from the other guard, Siri flung out a hand, using the Force to shove him against the wall. He hit the wall hard and slid down, unconscious, as Siri ducked a shot from the first guard, returning fire and hitting her mark.
She had hoped not to put the entire place on alert, but once they’d started firing…there was no reason not to fire back. “ Well… new plan, ” she told Obi-Wan.
Obi-Wan cracked a smile at the look Siri gave him. It was a different reaction than what he usually had to it, but Force, it was good to see again. He’d never felt so relieved when he’d first laid his eyes on his rescuer.
He didn’t move. Not because he was listening to her, exactly, but he couldn’t find the strength to. Obi-Wan watched as Siri took on the guards. He wanted to help, but he couldn’t, and he found himself shaking as Siri rendered them useless. Pain shot through his body again as he remembered the torture they’d put him through, and he leaned heavily against the wall, face paling more.
“Did you even have a backup plan?” he asked dryly, forcing himself to remain composed. He’d give anything to be back at the Temple right now. This whole situation was unsettling, and humbling. He hated the feeling of being useless and not able to help. Not even able to hold a lightsaber, for Force’s sake.
“I’m afraid I’m more of a hindrance here than a help,” he said quietly. It pained him to say it, but it was the truth; he wasn’t capable of any action physically . . . or mentally. One blaster shot had him trembling like a common youngling. He lowered his eyes, not able to quite meet Siri’s gaze.
( hey anon psst maybe telling someone that who is suicidal makes you the piece of shit?? and since i didn’t lose any followers or people i follow when i blocked you, im 90% sure of who you are so;
get the fuck off my blog lydia : ))
but thankyou for this! it honestly had the opposite effect and did make me feel better about myself, considering it’s a complete lie. )
( someone needs to take my account for the rest of this week and change my password because i have bad bad impulse control & im gonna delete i’ve exhausted my options for talking to people )
→ Anakin continued BERATING himself ANGRILY even as Ben threw up. He didn’t even flinch at the vomit now covering his hand or spilling over one of his boots. It DIDN’T MATTER, nothing did but that he had to keep the prince alive. He moved his hand away and shook off what he could of the ACRID contents of Ben’s stomach, and wiped the rest on his breeches. As much as he hated to think of it, he’d had WORSE things on his hands.
He SQUEEZED Ben’s hand and rubbed his back while he retched, praying to any god that would listen that that would be enough. He’d only had the poison in his system for a few SECONDS, but some of them were fast-acting enough that damage may have already been done. At the cry of pain, his fears were CONFIRMED; he wouldn’t still feel anything at all if it had been a common poison, it would have been ENTIRELY out of his system, but of course they hadn’t been lucky. Luck was almost never on their side these days. Still, if Anakin hadn’t been there, Ben would be DEAD in a matter of minutes, if that. It REAFFIRMED for the knight that he ought never to leave Ben’s side.
“I know.” He was getting too ACCUSTOMED to figuring out who was behind each attack - both of Ben’s siblings had very clear PREFERENCES and he wished he didn’t know them. He wished he didn’t need to, but wishing would solve nothing. “Later. We’ll deal with her later.” He pulled away from Ben and crossed the room to fetch some water, and THRUST it at him the moment he was back at Ben’s side. “Drink it. All of it, quickly now.” He needed to dilute it and flush it through Ben’s system as QUICKLY as he could, and this was the best he could manage that.
He dropped back down on to the bench at Ben’s side and went back to rubbing his back, wishing he could EASE the pain. He felt the BURN of the poison on his own tongue and spat to try to rid himself of the taste of it. “You’re alright, milord. You’re going to be FINE. Just try to relax.” He might be sick for a while, but he should LIVE. Anakin hoped so anyway. His heart was HAMMERING in his ears and pounding furiously against his ribs with the RUSH of adrenaline. The last attempt had only been a week ago and his hatred for the royal family was beginning to boil over. He just needed to stay FOCUSED on Ben - the rest would have to wait. Though if it were up to him, he’d have MURDERED the whole lot of them years ago.
“I’ve got you, highness. You’re going to be ALRIGHT.”
Ben took COMFORT in the hand holding his; he’d surely be dead if Anakin hadn’t been at his side, and he SHUDDERED at the thought of it. He still couldn’t grasp his siblings’ pure HATRED of him. He’d always tried to be KIND to them, and had never retaliated when they had attacked. He’d tried to reach out and NEGOTIATE, in fact, many times, but there were only RUDE responses in return.
He WINCED when he was done retching, his eyes meeting Anakin’s. They were full of FEAR, unable to process what the further pain meant except that he was possibly dying. It was strange, to feel afraid in Anakin’s presence. He always felt so SAFE around the knight, and PROTECTED.
He took the water, eager to get the rancid taste of vomit out of his mouth. His stomach twisted painfully, but he chugged down the water, OBEDIENT to Anakin’s commands as he always was when the threat to his life was evident. It was Anakin’s job, and he TRUSTED him completely. He took a GASPING breath when he was halfway done with the flask, and his eyes met Anakin’s. He drank the rest down, his face stark white and beading with COLD sweat.
Anakin’s hand rubbing at his back allowed Ben to RELAX, however minimally. It helped. He gave Anakin a CONCERNED look when he spat, remembering that he had tasted the foul water as well. His face got IMPOSSIBLY paler and he felt like he was going to throw up again, but he didn’t know if that had been the purpose of the water or not. He gulped and leaned HEAVILY against Anakin as small tremors went throughout his body.
His shoulders sagged in more RELIEF at Anakin’s words, and he nodded, closing his eyes, feeling more WEAK than he had in some time. The poison seemed to have quickly sapped him of his STRENGTH, and he doubted he could even stand on his own. The weight he rested on Anakin grew HEAVIER, and he gave a small, pained sound.
“I’m sorry,” he said, his voice sounding ALARMINGLY frail.
This year, as well as all of the others, had been GRUESOMELY stressful. Classes upon classes seemed to create a schedule with barely any room for BREATHING let alone RELAXATION. Coming home to a friend closer than any other and a home cooked meal WAITING for the tired student was a feeling like no other.
A small smile crossed tired, pale lips as the SMELL of Italian food and garlic bread found its way to her nostrils.
“I wouldn’t say it was GOOD particularly but oh my god am I ready to eat.” Tossing her over-stuffed bag over onto the couch they shared before finding a seat next to it. “I LOVE spaghetti, especially when YOU make it.”
“You’re just in time, then,” Ben said PLEASANTLY, dipping out his own plate, then handing her an empty one. “I had some nice time off today so decided to make dinner for us - I used some of your ingredients, I was out of marinara, I hope you don’t mind,” he SMILED again at her, getting a piece of garlic bread and going over to sit at the couch, putting his plate on the coffee table and RELAXING.
“You’ve been busy lately too, so I thought it’d be a nice TREAT for you - I like to make sure you’re eating properly, being the hovering roommate and all.”
He began to eat, WATCHING Padmé. “I was thinking, since it’s the weekend now - well, I haven’t gotten properly DRUNK in awhile, let alone BUZZED, so . . . that might be a thing that happens tonight, just to give you fair warning,” he grinned over at her.
→ He rubbed his eyes again, wishing they felt less swollen, and wiped his nose on his sleeve. He took a few more calming breaths and managed a smile. It was still small and relatively fragile, but it was better than nothing. “I know you would,” he told him. “I know you’d do anything for me.” And he had, time and again. No matter what had happened or where they went, Ben had done anything conceivable to make Anakin’s life bearable.
He shook his head. “No…It’s ok…I just…have to accept it.” Anakin shifted to settle his head on Ben’s shoulder, the crown of his pressed against the side of the other man’s neck. “I just wish the system were kind. Or even fair. I’d settle for fair. They tell you you’re judged on what you do, on who you are, but it’s such bullshit. I wish I didn’t care about it, and I hate that I do. I don’t know why. I don’t even know if I have a soul. I don’t know if I can die either. Maybe it won’t matter and I’ll just…vanish if it turns out I age and die like everyone else. There aren’t really other anti-Christs around to ask.”
Ben wanted to pick him up, take him home, and tuck him safely into his bed at this point. He’d make him tea or whatever he wanted, and try to soothe him if at all possible. His hand continued tracing throughout Anakin’s hair, and his heart thumped more quickly in his chest. He waited another few moments before replying.
“You have a soul,” he said quietly. “I’m sorry the world isn’t fair - I wish I could make it that way for you. For us. You have a soul because you care so much, Anakin. It’s one of my favorite parts about you,” he kissed the side of his head. His eyes squeezed shut as he listened to Anakin’s breathing. “Your soul is the only one mine really understands, I think.” And loves, the words remained unspoken, but just barely.
→ Anakin closed his eyes and dried his tears as best he could. It was easier pressed up against Ben’s chest, safe and loved, to forget how terrible and empty those stone walls could make him feel. He didn’t understand how they could stand there and preach about how God loved everyone, even the Sinners, but no matter how many times he wanted to feel it, the only answer he ever received was except for you. He’d been born this way, he couldn’t help it, and it felt so hypocritical for the one thing outside his control to be the only thing that mattered to God.
He couldn’t help but smile just a little at the way Ben’s temper flared. Somehow, he found it soothing. Ben was rough around the edges and he wasn’t a kind, forgiving or understanding person. He cared for nothing and no one. But when he looked at Anakin, written behind his eyes were those same words, welcome and beautiful and soft - except for you.
He could have accepted their fate, their downward descent to hell after their inevitable deaths, but one thing kept Anakin wishing for something different. He pulled back and looked up at him, his expression pained. “But my mom… I’ll never see her again if that’s so.”
He wanted to press reassuring kisses all over Anakin’s face, but he couldn’t. He couldn’t let him know how deeply he felt, he always had to hold himself back in fear that he would scare him off or disgust him with his love for Anakin. His thumb brushed over his cheek anyway, and his lips rested just barely on Anakin’s forehead.
Ben’s face fell at Anakin’s words, and he pressed his lips into a tight line. He didn’t know if Anakin’s mother had even made it to heaven, considering she’d been killed by an angel, but it was best not to mention that to Anakin. He hesitated before speaking.
“I’m sorry. I wish I could do more. I’d hunt down every angel and take heaven for you if I could. Hell, maybe I can. I’ll look into it,” he said, completely serious.
→ Anakin shifted to wrap his arms around Ben’s neck, and moved to bury his face in the man’s shoulder. He felt like such a child sometimes when he got like this, though there was little that could be called childlike about a mass-murdering abomination. It was a terrible combination and he hated it.
He shook his head. “No,” he answered, his voice slightly muffled. “No one hurt me.” Not that he was sure he’d want to admit to it if anyone had. He sighs heavily, his shoulders dropping slightly. “I went to church again,” he explained. “And it wasn’t any different. Heaven still wants me dead. They still hate me. I’m still….” He sighed softly, feeling defeated. “I’m never gonna be a good person, am I?” he asked, sounding resigned. “It’s just…not in my blood.”
Ben held him. There was something calming about it, for himself. He wanted to do it more often these days; he was drawn to Anakin so easily. He kissed the side of his head and took a breath, then lightly rested his chin atop Anakin’s hair.
“Anakin,” he sighed. “Fuck them. Fuck heaven, fuck the angels, and especially fuck God,” he growled, nearly able to feel his temperature rising. “I hate them all ten times over. You don’t need their approval. I don’t want in their snotty box of heaven, anyway. In the end, I’m going where you go,” he said firmly, and leaned back to look at him. He cupped his face. “You’re perfect. You’re perfect to me, and fuck what anyone else says or thinks or does.”
areudirty
pixelskylines
izzy806