I've been so busy with life, working, working out, and this woman that I just haven't been on here in a while. Even my family has been rarely hearing from me. An old conversation I had with my therapist has been on my mind lately.
I have an actual partner. This time around I have someone that actually appreciates me. She wasnt lonely and grasping for attention or broken and looking for someone to put her together. I've said it before how I have someone that actually reciprocates damn near everything. I've always been the one that created and tended to the safe spaces in the relationship. I've always been the one to nurture and create a space where you can be free and speak freely, especially with these last few relationships. As simple a concept as that is, and as easy as it sounds to do, the past few women did no such thing. Honestly, they weren't even capable of it, and thats okay.
The conversation that keeps replaying in my head was about how many people seek out safe spaces but they're incapable of creating them. About how so many people want emotional connection but only on their terms and in ways that make them comfortable. A lot of people tend to THINK they've met themselves and think they're more familiar with the truth of who they are and how they are than they actually are. To make it more complicated, they dont allow room in their relationship for both parties to equally express themselves emotionally or mentally. Their desires, feelings, and opinions tend to matter the most to them. Not creating room for someone to express themselves in a safe and healthy manner leads to a lot of issues in relationships long term. When you look for people to fill holes in your life, it leads to even more issues.
I appreciate the woman I have, immensely. There isn't a day I dont wake up and say a prayer in thanks that I met her, that I have her, and that this is who im doing this shit with. I've had bad partners. I've had someone who was only able to accept things when they wanted to or it was perceived as an attack. I've been with someone who had very little emotional control and someone who said they wanted to create space but truly didnt want to. So now that I have someone who genuinely does, this feels amazing. We work towards everything together. If she has any issues or feels a way, we talk. No anger. No silence. No fear of anger or rejection. If I have any issues or feel a way, we talk. No anger. No silence. No fear of anger or rejection. We are both investing together (separately but together). She needs help with studying for her radiology exams (ultrasound tech), I help. I need help studying for any certification im going after, and she helps. Neither of us has to ask. We just want to help the other, so we offer. So many small, simple things. Neither of us is making the other pay for what the last person said or did. Neither of us is making the other person deal with our hangups. This is the first time I can say a woman I've been with has genuinely contributed to my life. The last few were just beautiful vibes and fun. Tons of potential but not quite capable of much else at the time, unfortunately. This is so different. So much better. So much healthier. Neither one of us needs the other for shit, but we want to be here and make each other's lives and days better. There's so much love and laughter and fun and interest. We visit each other for months at a time and just...fit. this is such an amazing woman who swears I am such a great man.
There isn't a thing she doesn't get from me and nothing I dont get from her. We have to make pacts not to buy things for each other more often than not lol. Her birthday was so full. My birthday was so full. There's so much give and take here. I have to crop things out if im showing her a picture of something I like or she'll find it and send it lol. She tries to hide the names of things she likes so I wont just get them and send them. I've been fussed at for sending her gifts or flowers because "we are supposed to be saving" and she has been fussed at too. In all things. Just give and take. So much intentionality. I give her space to grow and become. She does the same for me. We fuck like every single time is the last time before death row. Kiss like its going out of style. Flirt like crazy. Its amazing how hard the simple things are to come by. Its even more amazing how much love and care can exist.
I believe down in my soul that I have truly found a good thing. This woman is nothing but good. Even in her worst moments, at her lowest, and in her most fucked up moments...she is amazing. I kiss her forehead, her eyes, her cheeks, and her lips every morning and I say a little prayer after each. I kiss her hands and her wrists. Her neck. Her legs. Her back. After each, I say a small prayer. Truly, I have found a good thing. Big Sandals did they big one with my sweet little love.
2087
blakekathryn
ellievsbear
areudirty