Time for people
Wow, it's been a few days. Time flies so fast. It's funny, right? Every day feels agonizingly long and dreadful, but then suddenly it's been almost 5 months. In about 7 months I'll be 25, whaaat! This is going to be a long post, so I'll put this on here to avoid spamming.
Anyway, I've been having some urgent sessions with my psychologist, which have helped. I also saw my doctor last Thursday, which I've been waiting for, for like 2 months. She couldn't do much though, which I guess I already knew. I have to wait until I've taken the MRI, which is tomorrow. I've waited over 2 months for that as well. Thankfully my doctor wants to see me again in a week, so it feels like she takes me seriously. She had me take an EKG as well, which showed that my heart is perfectly fine - and that was exactly what I needed. I've barely (if at all) had issues with panic since then. Which, oh my god, is such a relief. I still feel myself being unable to go anywhere without my pill box of benzos. But right now I don't mind. I've always thought of them as a comfort, you know? I don't take them just to take them (sometimes I do, but rarely), I rather have them as an emergency solution if my situation gets unbearable.
This weekend we've been extremely busy. We packed half our stuff (stress) and drove to my hometown (where we're moving), and got the keys to our new house. Which I'd been dreading a little, as I get anxious and stressed easily and imagined it involving a lot of talking and practical stuff. But it went rather quickly! We just had a look around to check that they'd cleaned well, and so on. The seller also gave us gifts, which was really nice. THEN the rest of the day was rather eventful.
My family brought a lot of our new furniture (which we'd stored at theirs) and oh my god, my family is so great and extremely helpful. While getting things into the house and organizing, our next-door neighbour came around the corner with her 15-month old son. We talked a little, and she was really nice. She did, however, ask about my occupation regarding work etc. I answered vaguely, but said that I wasn't working right now. I don't have a problem telling people I'm on disability, I just casually focus more on the fact that I have prolapse in my lower back, instead of the fact that I have a severe psychiatric diagnosis. We'll talk more in the future.
My dad and I drove and picked up the big furniture, and I was a little stressed about it, but it went really well. The rest of the day we just put together furniture and it took a long time. I took a few breaks here and there, but it didn't drain me like it did when we moved last time (mostly because of the fact that I was on antipsychotics at the time). The neighbour across from us from our terrace knocked and said hi, which was very nice! I have been a little anxious about it afterwards though, because I fear that I might have appeared rude and/or not welcoming, but my partner assured me I was fine. We went home at around 9.30 pm I think, after starting the whole ordeal at about 4 pm. However, right when we were about to leave the house, the neighbours across the street said hi. They're a couple our age, and I sorta know her from before; mutual friends. They were super nice, and I have a feeling we'll be good friends. They also have such a cute dog.
I took sleeping pills (not addictive at all), and one benzo before bed, and slept well. The next day we started early, but that day my brother (who was super helpful) had to work. We got so much done, so much more than I expected! We also went to stores and bought some more detail-oriented stuff, and practical stuff. Curtains, towels etc. Oh, and the coolest book-shelf ever. We also bought all the tecnhical stuff; fridge, washer, dryer, which will arrive on Monday (thanks for picking it up, mom!) While my partner and I sat outside and put up our outdoor furniture, our next-door neighbours came around. The little boy was so very fascinated with the screws and building, and slowly came closer and closer. It's nice that he feels safe around us. He did not want to go back home at all. It was so very cute.
We finished most of the living room, bathroom, bedroom (it's amazing), terrace, kitchen etc. My partner and I stayed a little longer and packed out and organized some of the stuff we brought from our current apartment, but we were exhausted and didn't do all of it. We went back to my parents' earlier that day, and just had a nice dinner and relaxing evening with talking and TV. We also bought a few nice things for them (and my brother) to thank them for all the help. I took the same cocktail, and slept well.
On Sunday we just chilled, looked at lamps and stuff online. We drove back to our apartment at around 2 pm. Did just about nothing productive the rest of the day. I only took the non-addictive sleeping pills before bed, but slept really well. I was also barely dizzy last night (and the weekend in general), which felt amazing. Maybe my psychologist is right, and it's caused because of stress? I really fucking hope so. The next few days we're just packing up, having some of my family picking up the big furniture from here, and then we're moving. Apart from a few appointments tomorrow and Thursday, I have a lot of time for packing.
I dreaded the thought of being awfully stressed and the whole shabang, but I feel eerily calm. I'm also so fucking excited to actually move in properly. Not everything is ready, but we have all we need to live there. It's just a few things we need to get in order, but there's no rush. The only thing I'm afraid of, is that the neighbours won't like me, but hey - I'll just do my best and be myself, and we'll take it from there. I'm definitely gonna be approachable, because that is actually the way I am. I love our neighbours, and I'm 100% sure this is a great thing.
I don't know if I've written about it here, but I go to treatment at a specialized place for people with severe diagnoses (schizophrenia, bipolar etc), and I will continue to go there. Which means travelling back and forth every two weeks (about 3 hours travel time both ways), but it's worth it.
I can't begin to describe how excited I am to begin this new chapter. We officially move in on Friday, and I hope the days fly by fast. I hope to make some good friends (which I really think will happen), and just... relax, I guess. I feel safe and calm there.
Anyway, this has been a super long post. If you've read everything - you deserve a golden star! I need to go pack a little now, but I'll be back soon enough.
