Music, Intimacy, and Art.

Featuring occasional life updates.

[dailyinspirationquotes]

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[thewanderingzenith]

Thoughts

Life has been a confusing mess lately. I've changed majors, still a physics majors so I'm not too worried about that. Changed my minor to computer science so that will be new and fun. I'm starting my own business which I've thought about for some time but never thought I could until now. I've actually worked my ass off these past couple weeks. Some things in my life may not reflect that, but I've been trying harder than ever to succeed lately. Progress starts with the little steps I guess. And many little steps and turns I have been making indeed. I'm worried about where I am mentally lately, but this past week I have been on autopilot so a lot of my emotions have been repressed. I'm also starting to notice daily how my adhd actually affects me. It's quite interesting actually. I have researched what adhd does to the adult brain and I actually learned things about it and myself that I didn't know before, which is quite interesting. For instance, I've always struggled with processing my emotions, especially anger. I would often hit myself and walls as a way to release my anger, because I couldn't quite understand why it was so intense and how to control it. I'm learning to be more patient with myself, but persistent of my goals and taking necessary steps to better myself.

I've learned so much about myself during my first month and a half at college. I have a lot of things I need to work on and grow about myself if I want to become successful. I have to say I've struggled with suicidal thoughts for quite sometime throughout my life. College has done nothing but to increase the frequency of them. For the first time ever I actually told my mom that I've been thinking about killing myself last weekend. I never told her before about these feelings because I always thought she'd freak out, cry, and always be worried about me. The very last thing I want anyone to do is worry about me, I don't know why, I just don't like it. But she actually did the opposite of those things. She was calm and talked to me like I had said I just a little sad. She let me know that I had a lot of people that care about me, and that i could go to her for anything. It was actually really comforting. Because for many years I felt like I couldn't go to anyone for my deep really dark thoughts because they had their own problems and I didn't want to bother them. I've learned now, that doing this only creates more problems. I've lost relationships because of this, especially recently with my most recent break up. But that's okay. I'm in counseling now and actually talking out my issues with friends and a therapist.

A lot of things have changed. I've changed a lot. I really don't think I'm the same person I was only a year ago, and definitely not the same from 2 years ago. I'm still the same at the core, the goofball who jokes too much and has bigger dreams than life itself. But much of who I am and becoming is quite different and exciting. I would be lying if I said I wasn't afraid about what's in my future. But I'm so fucking excited to make it there, it's about the only thing keeping me going right now. And that's the somewhat reliable promise that there is a tomorrow and I can start brand new with it.

Lastly before I go back to work. Although I know many people who have hurt me greatly in the past, I can safely say that I can forgive them. I've come to terms with this because in order for me to grow here on out, I have to let go of what's hurt me in the past. So anyone who's ever done me wrong, just know I haven't forgotten what you've done, I forgive you. Last thought, I got to see a noble prize winner of physics today, needless to say, it will be something that I'll never forget.

I'm going to try and make this a more regular thing. Even if no one reads this I like knowing I can put this out into the world, making my small little mark on it. I hope I have a great day, and I hope you whoever reads this has a great day as well. Start brand new, and remember no one can replace you.

[the-wolf-and-moon]

IC 2631, Reflection Nebula

[dailyinspirationquotes]

[prom-ising]

[onlinecounsellingcollege]

You’re so hard on yourself. Take a moment. Sit back. Marvel at your life: at the grief that softened you, at the heartache that made you wiser, at the suffering that strengthened you. Despite everything you still grow. Be proud of this.

Unknown (via onlinecounsellingcollege)

[dailyinspirationquotes]

[thewanderingzenith]

Listen to Mansions by Matt Champion #np on #SoundCloud

[thewanderingzenith]

Late night poem #1

I'm numb from all the pain

I really can't help but feel disdain

I feel afraid that I can't live through the day

I feel awake when I'm dying

I feel dead when I'm awake

I hate these feelings that I can't shake

Simply can't get up and let go of fate

Maybe that's why I can't relate

To everything that they say

"Oh it'll get better, just get through the day."

But every single day waking up wishing I didn't

Everyday gets darker like the sun setting

Heart is as cold as winter, my thoughts are dark as the lake

Can't help but feel like I'm losing my grip

I wish I could just take my heart and rip

Every single good memory from it

Drown everything in the sea of sorrow and turn away from it

Let it go and get away

Take everything about me and let it lay

In the dirt of my past

Leaving the state of my mind trashed

Push myself to the edge

Teeter between life and death

My life is a plane about to crash

Burn in the night watch it turn to ash

All they will do is turn and ask

"What was that?"

They could never see it coming

All those jokes I'd say about dying

I wish I could say they came from nothing

As my goodbye I'll say they came from something.

[dailyinspirationquotes]

[wordsnquotes]

All suffering originates from craving, from attachment, from desire.

Edgar Allan Poe (via wordsnquotes)

[the-wolf-and-moon]

Small Magellanic Cloud

[the-wolf-and-moon]

Eye of Helix

[help-n-quotes]

And kid, you’ve got to love yourself. You’ve got wake up at four in the morning, brew black coffee, and stare at the birds drowning in the darkness of the dawn. You’ve got to sit next to the man at the train station who’s reading your favorite book and start a conversation. You’ve got to come home after a bad day and burn your skin from a shower. Then you’ve got to wash all your sheets until they smell of lemon detergent you bought for four dollars at the local grocery store. You’ve got to stop taking everything so goddam personally. You are not the moon kissing the black sky. You’ve got to compliment someones crooked brows at an art fair and tell them that their eyes remind you of green swimming pools in mid July. You’ve got to stop letting yourself get upset about things that won’t matter in two years. Sleep in on Saturday mornings and wake yourself up early on Sunday. You’ve got to stop worrying about what you’re going to tell her when she finds out. You’ve got to stop over thinking why he stopped caring about you over six months ago. You’ve got to stop asking everyone for their opinions. Fuck it. Love yourself, kiddo. You’ve got to love yourself.

Unknown (via help-n-quotes)

[thewanderingzenith]

Listen to Rich Chigga - Chaos by RICH CHIGGA #np on #SoundCloud

[the-wolf-and-moon]

Two Comets and the Pleiades

[the-wolf-and-moon]

Cassiopeia