(please be gentle, I am normally not a story writer)
Tell me, Martha, what's the reason you're here? In your own words, tell us. "Well…" Martha stammered, "I guess I lost control of myself…I, uh, I cut myself again…"BUT, I SWEAR, IT WASN'T A SUICIDE ATTEMPT!!!" Martha proclaimed. "I was just…?" Martha looked confused at the situation. She couldn't remember what had happened and why she was in the hospital covered in blood. She remembered coming home from the party a little early. Because, of the way her boyfriend, Shawn was acting. Yes, she was angry at the situation, but she wasn't suicidal.
The other party members recall you saying, "F!@k you all, I won't go alone!!!" And that was right before you…let me see. The detective was stumbling through papers on his desk. Picked up a kitchen knife and swung it at three people, after you swallowed a handful of prescription Xanax and punched your boyfriend, breaking his nose. Reports say that you were found walking around your ex's neighborhood at 3 a.m. with a knife.
Martha was in shock, and couldn't remember doing any of it. She looked down at the multiple stitches in her arm and was wondering if it was a suicide attempt. Things hadn't been going that well at home and her boyfriend may had been cheating on her. She was a little down and she guessed that the alcohol and Xanax was kind of a catalyst for destruction. She had been doing so good lately and couldn't believe that she snapped.
The detective was looking down on her hospital bed that she had been strapped to. She knew what was coming next…the doctor came in and said, "Well we have your reservation at the psych ward for the next few days. The doctor was joking about the situation and she couldn't understand why. "That was a little insensitive, don't you think," Martha returned. "I am sorry, just trying to lighten up the situation," said the doctor smiling at Martha. "I know how situations like this can be a little too overpowering, I didn't mean to offend," he said.
Martha smiled back. She was nervous about going back, because of what happened the last time she was there. The people were mean and a little out there to say the least. She thought to herself, "oh God no…how long am I going to have to be in this place. I have a job interview coming up next week." She asked the nurse as she walled by how long she would have to be in the hospital. The nurse just smiled at her and said she wasn't allowed to say. Martha was nervous.
At this point she was on pins and needles just thinking about the things she was going to have to do, and the things she would miss. All kinds of chaos swarmed her at once with doctors and nurses coming and going. They were asking questions about her home life and how things were going at work. I told them that everything was ok, that I was just a little stressed and didn’t know what the big deal was. She just snapped, she thought, she didn't know what the big deal was.
There was a lady from the local psychiatrist's office that came by. She said that she was from mobile crisis and was going to talk to me about a few things. "Ok, I said with a smile…just a few lines and I will be out of this easy," Martha, thought. The doctor sat down with a disgusted look for life on her face. I thought to myself, boy she must love her job. Right away I was apprehensive about talking to her.
She tapped the pen on her notebook, slowly, and looked up. "Tell me about the scars on your arm." She said, and looked at me blankly. I told her that my boyfriend was cheating on me and I was just doing what the voice in my head, wanted." The doctor looked blankly, still, "Tell me more about that. Wat do the voices tell you."
I admit, I had noticed them getting worse, I said looking puzzled. The voices started just a year or two before, and they had been getting worse, but I just figured everyone heard them. I told the doctor, and she said, "Do the voices ever tell you to do things, like to yourself or to others." I said, "Yes, I had heard them the night before. They told me to indulge in the chaos for once. The voices often liked me to indulge in the chaos of things, especially when I was angry. It was just like word vomit and pure anger, acted out." I told the doctor.
She wrote some things down in his notebook and looked over her glasses at me. She asked, "Did they want you to indulge that night. When you lashed out at the party?" I said, "Yes, but I would have never had acted…" she stopped me there. The thing is that you did act on them. You acted and people could've been hurt. When you grabbed the knife and struck your boyfriend, it's obvious that you had ill intent in mind. That being said, we are in fact, going to have to send you away for a couple of days. Maybe a week determining from the severity of this report."
I said, "A WEEK!!! I WAS JUST A LITTLE PISSED!!!!" The doctor, seemingly uncaringly, got up and said, "Just use this time to reflect on the way life is going, and the things we can do to make it better, for everyone." and smiled. She got up and waltzed out the door. I was livid with anger. I couldn’t understand, everyone gets mad and loses control from time to time. Why did it have to be then and why did it have to be now?
Oh well, I thought, I would use this time as an escape from the chaos and let the doctors do their job. Little did I know, the panic and chaos I would be faced with in the next few days to come.
The policeman came into the room with a pad of paperwork and a pair of handcuffs. "Come on, time to get to…club med," he said, walking towards me with a smirk of success on his face. He put my hands behind my back, and forced the cuffs into my wrist, and grabbed my arm. While walking me out the door, he was strutting. I could only think of grabbing the gun out of his waist and causing a holocaust in that hospital. But I just smiled and walked with him. Joking about the situation, while calmly trying to figure out a way out of the handcuffs.
He put me in the back of his police car, and got in the front seat. "You don't plan on giving me any trouble do ya," he asked, while starting his cruiser. "Not unless you do…" I said, with a sarcastic grin. He glared and put the car in drive, not saying a word. "What's the matter," I asked, while looking surprised at his attitude? "You just shut your mouth, smart boy. We will be at your home for the next week in a couple of hours…meanwhile you better watch your mouth, or this is going to be an interesting car ride. I figured that I might ought to shut up, and smiled back in response.
We pulled into the hospital and I saw the high fences with razor wire on top of them, along with sealed rooms and white walls. It was the white walls that got me started thinking again. "GET ME OUT OF THIS ROOM," I screamed, loudly. "These walls, not these walls again," I cried, while fighting the officers forceful pulls into this demonic hell hole.
As he got me to the door, two orderlies dressed in white, grabbed me on either side and forced me into a white room. I fought as hard as I could to resist, but they slammed me into a chair. "SIT DOWN OR WE WILL GET SERIOUS," they said.
A doctor, dressed in white also, came into the room and sat down across the table from me. "Martha…Blackburn, he said with a questionable look on his face as if he knew otherwise or some crap. "That'd be me," I returned. "Tell me, I don’t have to go back into that room again. Anything but that room again." The doctor looked at me and took his glasses off, looking blankly. "Tell me which room," he asked. "That white room again, anywhere but the white room again! I can't take the hollow nothingness of that white room again! I'LL GO MAD!!!" I started fighting in my chair as the two orderlies came towards me. The doctor looked serious as they restrained me once more. "We will refrain from that if we can," said the doctor. "It all depends on you, and your attitude while your are in this place. We don’t like to restrain you either, but we will if we must."
I finally calmed down, and sat there while he asked me round after round of questions. What day of the week it was, my mothers maiden name, the reason I was there. He wanted it all in my own words, but he didn't want to hear what I had to say. So I sat there silently. "OK, we can do it the easy way or the hard way." The two orderlies came at me and grabbed me on each side, dragging me down a hallway. "NNNOOO!!!!" I screamed, not the white room.
They threw me into the absence of white. The never ending glow of those white walls. They closed in on me as I panicked, throwing myself around the room, screaming insanities as the doctor closed the door, while saying, "cooperation is voluntary, but completely necessary. We can talk when you are a little more calm about the situation." "#$@! YOUR SENSE OF CALM YOU NARCCISISTIC PIECE OF @$!#! I WILL GET OUT OF HERE YOUR HEAR ME I WILL GET OUT!!!" And they closed the door.
I had lost track of the hours…they seemed to blend into days. I, honestly, had no idea. The disillusionment and nonsensical rationalizing was absolutely maddening. The walls…THE WHITE WALLS…they seemed to talk. Once more, they were reminding me of how alone I was. And how absent of a feeling that exists within my soul. Whispers of past mistakes and screaming accusations came from all around the damned walls.
In my mind…I became a prisoner of war. The battleground was thought and the weapons were memories and "what if's." I could handle these damned walls no longer…I BEGAN TO SCREAM…DEAR GOD, LET ME OUT …THE WALLS ARE TALKING…THE WALLS THE WALLS!!!" I heard footsteps coming down the hallway. Maybe…the closer they came the more agitated I became. "THE WALLS!!!" I would shout. I heard a scuffling of a clipboard against my door. And the movement of a pen on the porous white paper. And then…footsteps moving away from the door!!!
"LET ME OUT OF THIS ROOM…" I shouted again, I'll do anything just let me out the damned walls are moving. HELP THE WALLS ARE MOVING!!!" I couldn't take the absent screaming in these cursed walls anymore…THESE DAMNED WHITE WALLS!!!. I started running at the door head first…I was disoriented but still going…my mind racing…THE WALLS CLOSING…Suddenly, more footsteps. Maybe, just maybe…is this my salvation? I wondered to myself?
The doors slammed oped and two men tackled me as two more came barreling in. I fought but to no avail. The orderlies where too strong and I was too weak. I noticed, all of a sudden, another coming in with a needle. I tried to kick it out of his hands, kneeing another in his…area! He elbowed me in the jaw and I felt nothing but a stick…and a sudden rush of drigs…aanndd… …
I woke up groggy, and strapped down. My straight jacket…an old friend. I missed the hugs that we shared and the times we laughed…THE WALLS THE WALLS…I LAUGHED HISTERICALLY… the doctor was sitting in the corner. His absent persona, still present. "Well…was that fun?" He asked, while stroking his pen up and down against his clipboard…that pen I thought…if I could get ahold of that pen…"Sorry, I don’t like these rooms." I said in a calmer manner. The doctor still looked as absent as ever.
He said in a calmer tone, "if you will cooperate, I will have the orderlies come in…in a few hours to see how you are feeling. Meanwhile, you can close your eyes and reflect. You are not getting out of here until you calm down." I agreed and took a deep breath. That pen…once more, him and that pen…
I must've fallen asleep thinking about that pen…I thought to myself, as I awoke. But, I wasn't strapped down anymore…where my hands free…that pen, I thought. I struggled but noticed they had loosened my restraints…just enough so as I could wiggle my right arm around my neck, and over my head…what idiots, I thought, as I managed to finally free one hand…I loosened it just enough so I could…I just sat there, patiently…I laughed at the thought…patiently
I sat with my right hand still in a way as to look restrained. The doctor walked in and sat down at the desk across from me…his pen, as always. Stroking it up and down that stupid clipboard. I eyeballed it, answering each question, in as calm a manner as I could. Waiting until the doctor to look the other way. Until, he looked at the door to signal the orderlies to come back in. And, right then, he turned just in time to see me coming across the desk…grabbing the pen from his hand and jabbing it into the doctors neck.
One of the orderlies ran to the door as I shoved the desk in front of it, trying to block their way in. When I heard an alarm go off and a voice on the intercom signaling some codes and an alarm, over and over. I felt a kick at the door, followed by a shove, as me and the desk went moving back…I scrambled up. I lunged to the window. I managed to break a glass, and somehow got a shard in my right hand, as the orderlies started to move a bit slower…mam, they said, drop it or…IT'S TOO LATE!!! I SHOUTED, WHILE SHOVING THE SHARD INTO MY NECK.
I started to twitch as the orderlies came rushing at me yelling for a medic that was running down the hall toward the…DAMNED WHITE WALLS…of that room. I don't know what happened next…just more white…only no walls…just a voice…and a judgement.
There is no rhyme or reason to the madness. The preacher said, looking down on a closed casket. "Martha was loved by many, she just didn't know it. Sometimes, we falter in life, and can't recover. Martha, couldn't fight the demons in her mind. And now she must lay with them…"
It was a cold funeral, they said to one another. That the memory of me and the things that I could've done in this life was too hard to talk about so they just moped around the lot. Until, all had wandered off to their own little worlds. I wasn't talked about much after that day, and the "Martha Massacre," they called it was forgotten over time.
The story, it soon turned into a local cult legend that the teens would sometimes mention to scare a newbie to the neighborhood. And as for the hospital, it got closed after the incident and is now a haunted attraction for the local teens. They all try to summon the spirit of Martha May…they call me. I can't help but laugh as I chase them down the hallways, and into that room, AND THE DAMNED WHITE WALLS…where they all meet their doom.
They are talking about tearing down my hospital, now. Due to the disappearance of so many people, but all are too afraid to venture on the grounds. So, it remains mine to haunt…and my place for fun.
