The Writings of an [Im]perfectionist

unfiltered excerpts from my mind, heart, and soul not necessarily in that order...

[thewritingsofanimperfectionist]

what // if

we belong to each other just for a night,

i am yours and you are mine.

i’d whisper sweet somethings while nibbling on your ear,

just to hear your voice drop an octave from being turned on.

when i lay on your chest, our heart beats sync

in lockstep knowing we were meant to be…in that moment.

what if…

we only had tonight to be with each other?

i would cherish each moment as if it were my last.

i’d kiss you every second i could, tattooing my lips on to yours.

cementing our “forever” into right now.

-unforever yours…

[wetheurban]

One of the deepest forms of intimacy is wanting someone to experience the world the way it feels to you.

The eager "look at this."

The "you'd love this place."

The "listen to this part."

The "isn't it beautiful?"

Loving someone often sounds like an invitation.

[thewritingsofanimperfectionist]

this is so good.

[thewritingsofanimperfectionist]

just maybe…

if i loved myself sooner, my heart wouldn’t ache for your breadcrumbs and limited capacity.

if i knew how to set boundaries earlier, my nervous system would’ve been less anxious sooner.

if i didn’t allow others to silence my voice, standing in my sovereignty would come more naturally.

if our paths didn’t cross (again), i wouldn’t think about you as much, even though i chose to walk away. i had to in order to save my future self.

knowing that our time spent was the lesson i needed to pour back into me.

i just wish my spirit didn’t care so much about your wellbeing. but then, i wouldn’t be who i am.

still a gal could dream.

[thewritingsofanimperfectionist]

what it cost me…

it felt good. this new feeling of being attracted to and liking someone again. but over time, our dynamic kept chipping away at my self-worth and my unhealed abandonment’s wounds need for safety.

the constant inconsistency, the lack of accountability, the allowed breadcrumbing, and the feeling of rejection of my full self…it all became too much to ignore much longer. but staying as long as i did (seven months), made it harder to leave.

your actions, your behavior, your unhealed wounds continued to hurt me and i thought i could love you through your pain. but it was creating more of my own. you’ve chosen to stay with a woman that apparently doesn’t require much from you. when i wanted or alluded to more, you’d then hide behind said situation when it suited you.

i’d be stupid if i continued to stay where i was only wanted when you wanted me and how you wanted me. i didn’t know how to put boundaries on accessing me. if i allowed you to come into 2026 under the same pretenses, i would’ve continued to self-abandon. and it was time to stop abusing myself in that way.

i deserved better than your disingenuous response back to me deciding to pull back and leave you alone. it gutted me because i believed i meant more to you than that. we spent the night together a few weeks ago and just like that, you’re all of a sudden available to be a friend if or whenever i need one. bullshit!

you’re barely kind to yourself and barely available to me. why would i turn to you as a friend?!

i’m grieving so much right now. i’m upset that i didn’t feel courageous enough to leave you alone sooner but also grateful that your actions unpacked something i couldn’t see. i’m so mad at you right now, but underneath that is sadness. i miss how we used to talk all hours of the day and night in the beginning.

now i don’t trust you because even after all the moments i supported you and tried to move on, you still chose to act like you were oblivious to me no longer wanting our dynamic anymore. not sure what there was to misunderstand. AND if you truly didn’t know, i’m more hurt that you didn’t care to ask. as loudly as i want to say FUCK YOU, i want to hug and hold you just the same as i caress your neck.

the intensity was misunderstood as your capacity. not accepting all of me was where i had to draw the line. the list got too long. i’m sad. i’m mad. i’m confused. i don’t want to see you again. i don’t want anything to do with you. and yet, i wish it was you i would hear from as 2026 begins.

we didn’t even make it past the new year. and if i’m being honest with myself, we technically didn’t make it past june—before your behavior started changing.

so here’s the letter or message i didn’t write back in july. i’m the one stuck with this discomfort that you are so used to brushing off. i wish i didn’t let you off the hook in our text exchange but what would’ve going back and forth have done? give you what you want.

i wish you fought a little harder but i’m reminded that no one’s going to save me. so goodbye a***. i truly hope you find what you’re looking for because i deserved better than what you were willing to admit.

and now i have to demand better than what i’ve allowed.

[thewritingsofanimperfectionist]

although tumblr isn’t the same tumblr, it’s still my go to. can’t believe october made 15 years 🙏🏾✨

[thewritingsofanimperfectionist]

i slept under the moon tonight…

and left you a message

if only you were to look outside from your part of the world, you would find me.

i told her that…

i missed you.

and that i hope you’re getting the love you need despite it not coming from me.

and that i hoped you were taking care of yourself. you know with your sleep deprivation and all.

always asking you my favorite question. remember? “how are you taking care?”

i think about the last time i saw you and how i whispered under my breath and into your soul that i missed you. you wouldn’t let me go. and i didn’t want you to.

we were short-lived but i still left a message for you with the moon.

take care sweet, dearest love, my love.

[thewritingsofanimperfectionist]

the lover gal in me

i got so much love to give that i often place in the wrong places. the wrong spaces. the wrong people. but still i burst at the seams to pour my love into whomever has capacity to receive.

i often make up stories in my head. creating the love stories that i didn’t see firsthand. hoping you can see this love is on brand for how my unicorn dust shows up.

the current love i want to give centers an emotionally and physically unavailable, limited capacity having man that doesn’t want the same thing as me long term. a man that isn’t my person—yet all roads, all thoughts, all these romantic feelings point back to him. and i’m not sure why.

maybe it’s the way he cracked my heart open when i didn’t think love was possible. maybe it’s the way our bodies gravitate towards each other when we’re in the same room. maybe it’s the way we both felt like we could do life together upon spending the night for the first time. not sure what you call that but it was LOVEly.

the lover gal in me doesn’t operate in bounds, even when it would save me from heartbreak. i believe the love i’m deserving of is out there and is ready to find me as long as i continue to love me and remain open to what this new love will look and feel like.

[thewritingsofanimperfectionist]

melt…

it’s the way i missed being in your presence and feeling nervous when i saw you.

it’s the way you couldn’t stop staring at me standing in front of you. i know. i didn’t think i was going to see you again either.

it’s the way our bodies missed each other. with the regular hug and the straddled hug said it all. my body wanted to say more beyond the whispers of “i missed you” in each other’s ear.

your tight grip holding me up so effortlessly. all my assumptions and our misunderstandings melted away.

your hand caressing my breast while i sat in your lap kissing your neck, holding on tight.

but only for a few minutes were we brought back in time. the energy palpable. our spirits magnetic. you looked so good in your camo sweatpants as i undressed you with my eyes.

i continue to crave you in ways i can’t describe and in moments i know won’t last. but i still want you and this feeling anyway.

i guess that’s the delusion in me. because any woman in their right mind would’ve left you alone. but i’m not any woman and i’m not in my right mind either.

i just want you to melt my walls. in this fantasy that doesn’t need to end. i’ll make it worth your while. scratching back. biting lips. moans that tell each other we want more.

let’s say yes while simultaneously saying fuck you to the arbitrary rules of love and heartbreak. just say yes and we can make sense of our feelings later.

let’s melt in each other’s arms, our bodies intertwined. just don’t let go.

[thewritingsofanimperfectionist]

i still see you when i close my eyes.

i still see your name out in the wild. it’s as if the universe and my ancestors got jokes…or it’s the synchronicity of our thoughts meeting each other.

the latter feels less painful.

i deleted your numbers and added them back three times today. i wanted to release the hope of seeing your name across my phone screen. at least if you’re deleted, i wouldn’t expect to see anything but the mind wants what it wants.

been doing my best to rewrite the story i tell myself about you as to not internalize the distant and avoidant behavior from your end.

i wish i didn’t yearn to look for you in other places like the songs i listen to or the movies i watch. but i do. i chuckle to myself, wishing i had taken your tank top the morning i took your black ankle socks.

had i known that would’ve been our grand closing, i would actively fought to be more present.

lessons learned in love.

[thewritingsofanimperfectionist]

i don’t know how to quit you…

but in time, i will.

it’s inevitable. the window for my love is shrinking because it’s no longer being fed.

when you have so much love to give, it’s easy to lose yourself. the story of my life. well not anymore.

i’m learning to love my way back to myself. it would’ve been nice to have company. but i’m realizing maybe you’re not who i thought you were or wanted you to be—no fault of your own.

i’m just still trying to understand how deep these wounds go for me that has me on the struggle bus on not being able to quit you just yet.

the funny thing is i made up my mind to not reach out to you again after getting iced. it doesn’t feel safe. it doesn’t seem fair and i’m not interested in the mind pump fake. you reply back and then you drop off again.

you don’t get to have me in that way anymore. maybe you blew this whole shit up because you didn’t want that anymore either. it doesn’t matter because it’ll never be the same again. that spark, that spontaneity. the new memories now juxtaposed with painful memories.

i look forward to quitting you—feelings for you and the intimate thoughts of you dissipating.

at least it’ll give my heart some reprieve to start anew with someone that more capacity than you.

until then, i’m learning to fill my own cup up in a real way.

[thewritingsofanimperfectionist]

the one i didn’t see coming…and eventually leaving

why do i miss you so much? the feeling has been gnawing at me even though the distance wasn’t of my choosing. i wonder if i miss you or if my body misses the intimate moments with another human being.

it’s been some time since i’ve laid up under someone so our time spent was everything. it’s why my heart aches for the way your hand could trace the shape of my body—from my breasts down to my side curvature when you wanted me close to you.

i miss that. i miss your periodic forehead kisses. i miss how our hands would seem to find each other and sync like a key in a lock. i miss lying next to you and talking. i felt so safe with you. i had a glimpse of doing life with you.

the lover girl in me recognized the lover boy in you. and we didn’t even see each other coming. i wanted to tell you everything. your energy made it so easy to.

and then that energy towards me changed. with no rhyme or reason. no context. no words. i was devastated. i’m still at a loss for words. i’m still confused. i even spiraled out. i felt crushed and disposed of.

did i do something? did i say something? was i too much in your eyes? did you change your mind about me? i just wanted to know…was i the only one that felt this way?

the sudden change in behavior felt like someone snatched my heart out of my chest and left me to deal with it. i would see your name in random places or similar cars to yours. i was sad that the universe kept showing me things that reminded me of you. but i kept getting a nudge to not give up on you at least from an empathy standpoint. i was so ready to be done.

i was mad at your breadcrumbing text messages BEGGING god and my ancestors for you to let me go—asking “why won’t he let me go? if he lost interest, if things turned up with him and the girl, if liking me overwhelmed him, if i did too fucking much too soon, then tell him to let me go.” and just as i was processing you out or so i thought, i’d see your number come across my screen.

it was all too much. when i close my eyes, i see you. when i’m watching something on tv, i think of you. when i’m trying to sleep, my body yearns to be next to you. the un-severed connection i feel seems so unfair. it’s suffering not of my own choosing.

whatever was going on, i was able to hold space but it seemed like god had other plans and so did you. now i’m on the outside with no window view, as if i wasn’t laid up next to you or up late with you or the one you called in between your tears.

i was a loud disruption in your life and you in mine. but that didn’t stop me from being curious. not sure how we got here but i feel a little silly for feeling this deeply over a short period of time.

i just know that this pain and sadness i feel from not knowing what caused you to change your mind about me should be enough to leave you alone. but for whatever reason, this window of grace is still open, even though i’m sure you’re not my person.

whatever’s going on, whatever or whoever changed your mind, i hope it was worth the peace and “safety” that you wanted. i hope you’re taking care of yourself in a real way and i hope you find what you’re looking for in love…since we didn’t make it out of the “getting to know each other” phase.

[thepowerwithin]

I release myself from the versions of me that I created to survive.

Unknown

[thewritingsofanimperfectionist]

love this

[thewritingsofanimperfectionist]

rumblings on the heart and on the brain …

there isn’t one right way to be human but why does it feel like that way when i make a decision that costs me so much anguish and suffering?

my mind is creating all these disasters as if we’ve been here before but we have to some extent. i’m navigating the conversations in talk therapy. i’m navigating the other voices in my head. i’m navigating ancestral conversations out loud near my altar and yet i still feel torn.

i still have work to do and yet the only thing that came to mind was to let part of it out on my blog because it’s been awhile.

cue melanie fiona’s “what am i to do?”

[thewritingsofanimperfectionist]

speechless...

a rendezvous in brooklyn.

it was this past saturday night when i experienced an intimacy like no other. there he stood, mask on, 6’4 in all of his chivalrous glory. let’s call him “db.” i’m usually loud and boisterous as he typically expects but i was nervous. his presence commands a different energy. we met a few years ago under different circumstances yet seven years later, here we were in his temporary apartment for work. a quaint place for someone his stature but he wasn’t paying for it so it didn’t matter. what i knew in that moment was i wanted him...every morsel that made up his being.

i don’t recall being this wide open for anyone where i verbally spoke the things on my mind. how he looked like a whole ass snack and a meal. that he was sexy. that he could get it sideways. that i got my ya-ya snatched. that i had on a matching panty and bra. it didn’t matter because he could have it all.

his chivalrous ways were so cool. me standing 5 foot, 2 inches, he was a giant to me, pushing the door open so i could walk underneath him. standing on the side closest to the road. paying for dinner. standing in all of his masculinity that flowed so easily. not toxic or performative, just easy.

he asked me if i smoked. i didn’t but i would with him. i’d ___ with him. he pulled out the pipe and i told him he’d have to walk me through how to use it. he offered to “shotgun” me (blow the smoke directly in my mouth) and i said ok not knowing what to expect. he turned to me and while his lips touched mine, he blew the smoke into my soul. my silly ass was mesmerized by his lips touching mine, i missed the instructions. we laughed and eventually did it again. this time, he grabbed my face and smoothly blew the smoke into my soul again. i inhaled it this time. all systems go.

i knew it was on after our lips touched. i was coyly playing with his face before i turned to kiss him because i knew i wouldn’t be able to resist. his kisses were everything i’ve been missing. the pulling me closer, the right amount of tongue. just the right amount of everything. he lifted me on top so i could straddle him while we were making out. he held me tight. i could kiss him for hours, days, weeks, months, years. he was the fraction of intimacy that i’d been craving and that i wanted [and needed] in the moment. pulling me closer to him as we kissed. me holding the back of his neck softly. i just couldn’t take it.

aunt flow arrived hours before i pulled up to his apt so we didn’t go all the way although the time we spent was more than enough. seasoned in age and experience, he gave some of these “see spot run” negroes, i’ve entertained in my past, a run for their money. i realized i kept settling and that i needed to step my game up on demanding more. his bare minimum treatment of me wasn’t even standard treatment by other ppl i dealt with. lessons learned from intimacy with an older man.

in my best bridgerton words, “my body burnnned for him.” i’m neither shy or embarrassed by the feeling. i was present in every moment with him. every kiss with him. every touch with him. a physical and mental presence intertwined that i don’t experience often. why the sudden change and elevation with him? maybe because i know i only have this proximity to him while he’s in town for work.

either way, i don’t want to waste any time somewhere else when i’m with him. he has all of me even for the night just like i have all of him even for the night.

part deux rendezvous in harlem perhaps...

[jayleylovesjayley]

My Self-Love Affirmation

I am beautiful

I am loved

I am intelligent

I am important

I am worthy

I am blessed

I am happy

I am love

I am kind

I am compassionate

I am positive

I am extraordinary

I am talented

I am new

I am supportive

I am loving

I am caring

I am smart

I am protected

I am strong

I am whole

I can do anything that I put my mind to.

The very ground that I walk on is blessed.

Everything that I touch is blessed.

I am not my past, I am my future.

I am okay, and I am healed.

The next 24 hours ahead of me will bring peace, blessings, and success in abundance.

There is nothing that is too hard for me to do.

I will face any problems that may arise today with Grace, patience, strength, and good judgment.

I am the head and not the tail.

I am above and not beneath.

[thewritingsofanimperfectionist]

missing someone I feel like I shouldn’t miss...my life and times

[thewritingsofanimperfectionist]

take me back to these times...new content coming 2020