Please note the heavy verbal irony and satire. Modeled after Jonathan Swiftâs âA Modest Proposalâ. Intended to provoke change in Americaâs society.
A Humble Proposal to Make America Great Again
      It is a sorrowful idea to consider that the United States of America, home of the free and the brave, has fallen so far from grace that our founders, the men who created our patriotism and pride, would not and could not be able to identify a scrap of the true American spirit. Perhaps, they would be appalled of the fact that America has been overrun by immigrants, who steal our jobs, women, who believe that their bodies are their own, and civil liberties, which should only apply to those who are rich and of European descent. Therefore, it is in my interest to humbly propose the most logical and effective solutions to restore the United States of America back to its former glory.
      The first topic to address is the infestation of breeders in our country. Though society has shifted to include women in the midst of men, make no mistake. The fairer sex is in no way capable of achieving anything that a man can easily reach. Their minds are dulled from the number of hours they spend in front of a mirror every day, dusting powder on their faces and doing their hair, all for the pleasure of attracting a strong man to defend her. Thus, a womanâs life, happiness, and dignity is not equal to a manâs. I believe that women have overstepped their boundaries and must be put back into place: behind a man, where they belong.
The first order of business regarding the overwhelming number of women who believe their opinions are worth the same as a manâs is the removal of the nineteenth amendment. A womanâs vote should clearly be discarded due to their partiality to a politician based on their public image. The power of the government cannot be entrusted in a femaleâs hands.
The second is to remove women from any form of citizenship. Women shall be considered property as women only exist for a manâs pleasure, and the sale and distribution of women will be legalized. This, however, creates a problem with the population of each state and the votes each state may have. This can be easily solved by considering a woman worth two-thirds of what a man with European descent is.
Because women will now be considered property, men may do whatever they please, but all women must be branded each time they are sold to a new owner. This will aid in identifying women who will inevitably attempt to escape from their rightful places as a means for pleasuring an arrogant man, working in the kitchen, birthing new organisms of little worth, and whatever else a man with limited views may wish to do with them.
It is foolish to believe that only women are below the worth of a man. Rather, there is a long list of minorities in our country (that certainly cannot be exhausted) who have varying degrees of worth. It is prudent to again state that these minorities will always be worth less than men with European descent. African Americans, in particular, will be reinstated to their former positions as slaves. Due to their extra pigmentation, which gives them an evolutionary advantage, African Americans will labor in areas where the sun would burn the skin of paler minorities. Hispanics will work in labor camps, similar to the ones that Nazi Germany established during World War Two. Any laborer refusing to work will be gassed. Asians will live in smaller labor camps, but will not participate in physical labor. Instead, they will employ their inherited mathematical skills in order to further the countryâs knowledge. Any other minority who traces their descent from the Middle East will be tortured for sport. This is our revenge against the few radicals who decided to attack us, the champions of the globe.
Similarly, any person who is illegally smuggled into the country will be caught. Men will be put to labor while the females, along with all the other females of European descent and of minority groups, will be put into the women-trade-economy. Children will be separated based on gender, as I will most certainly address in my proposal.
Poverty has plagued the streets of America too long. I propose a way to eliminate lower and middle class altogether while providing the finest meals for the rich. It has come to my attention that male babies, once fed and plump with a year of nursing, are delicious, nutritious meals and may be prepared in many ways. Not only will the rich enjoy a delectable meal (as one baby, if eaten without restraint, will last at the least one day), but the poor may receive a large sum for their troubles of raising a male child for slaughter. The breeders are also saved the trouble of wasting money on a male child who will neither bring home wages nor contribute to the economy as a whole. Thus, the elimination of more than half of our great nationâs young males will eliminate the competition for females. While the male population must be limited in order to prevent competition, the female population must be coaxed to grow exponentially. The female children may be sold to provide revenue for their poverty-stricken parents and to pleasure males who have no concept of consent.
To ensure that all Americans will follow this modest proposal, the Bill of Rights, as well as all other constitutional amendments, will only apply to white men with European descent. The death penalty can be given out to all protestors against the system, including white males with European descent, and those who violate the law, whether it be a misdemeanor or a felony. Any country that stands in opposition of our way of life will be utterly destroyed by our superior military and missile system.
I have devoted countless hours to devising this plan so that it may better the true citizens of America. I find no flaws in this system. Therefore, let us not ponder on the idea that women can achieve great things, equivalent or beyond those of a manâs. Of the idea that women own their own bodies. Of the idea that men and woman, regardless of race, are worth the same. Of the idea that America was founded on those fleeing religious prosecution. Of the idea that our Constitution and the Amendments protect the basic rights of everyone. Of the idea that every voice should be heard. Of the idea that every right should be honored. Of the idea that despite conflicting political views, we can compromise. Of the idea that we are the people, and the people cannot be ignored, oppressed, and scorned. Let us not think of these luxuries.
The great nation of the United States of America will be no longer divided. In following these steps I have laid out in this humble proposal, our nation will be restored to its full glory in the eyes of the Lord and the founders. We will make America great again.
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