So ummm yeah ... I know i should probably talk about the drawing....but right now Iām feeling quite down ...so please bear with me and just let me drabble for a while ...though IĀ“m quite sure no one will read this so yeah....
I think I have hit a point in my life were Iām not happy with who I am ...although almost all my life Iāve never been really happy with myself to be honest...Iām a 22 years all who has spent almost her entire life listening to what others have to say either about me or the things I do and Iāve played along, not really because I cared about what others said ( or do I?...I donāt know anymore...), but because I wanted to make people happy...I wanted them to be proud of me...and I feel like in the end it hasnāt been the case....I just feel like a lost little girl, like a blank paper page with no personality of myself; just adjusting to meet others expectations...
Things like āyou would look nice if you lost weightā, ā you donāt really have talent...stop drawing/or trying to do thatā,āstop being a freak and behave like an actual girlā, āIf you would fix yourself probably you would stop being singleā, āwhy are you wasting your time tryingā and many more have haunted my life ever since I was a little girl and indeed they have taken a big impact on how I apretiate myself, the things I like and the things I do...I donāt trust me nor the thing I make and it get even worse now that Iām getting nearer to become a āprofessionalā
5 years ago when I graduated from school and entered college ...I was really happy, nervous but happy and I canāt deny that it have been 5 hectic years...enjoyable thanks to the friends Iāve made....but a hell due to a lot of things that have happend in my life.. and right now as Iām in the final line of all this hell, I just canāt take it anymore...
I love my career ...I really do, I fought for choosing it when everyone was looking down on it and on me...I really worked and studied hard ,I swear I have given it my all...but I cant, the amount of presure right now is unbearable. Good God Iām not joking when I say I feel like dying...Itās been a few years since the last time I had emotional breakdowns almost every day...it sucks...it really does...and yet again Iām pretending everything is fine, like always. I see everyone and somehow I feel so fucking guilty...guilty of being weak, guilty of being sad, guilty of not being able of handeling this stress....and somehow I want to be selfish and give myself a break....
I feel so lost...I donāt know how to feel anymore...and Ā Iām scared... Iām afraid I hit the point in where Iām going to begin hurting myself again...I donāt want to go back to that...but I feel so fucking lost ....and all thanks to the pressure of a fucking degree...and the presure of everyone expectations...and the pressure of not being what everyone āwanted me to beā...God...I just want to be myself for a chance...but even I donāt know right now who the fuck I am...
Right now i jut wish that someone would hug me (even if I donāt like hugs I need them from time to time) and tell me Ā that everything is alright, that is ok to get one year behind in the career, that I donāt have to hate mysfel for feeling weak, that IĀ“m alright being myself, to donāt be scare of what people will say if I donāt graduate this year, that there is time for everything and Iāll get that degree,that Iām actually worth it, that is ok to cry and feel down..... I just wish that someone would be with me right now ...and yet again I donāt want anyone finding out how much screwed up I am....
please just give me the strenght to go through this...the strenght to find myself again....
tangentwithtanner
